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Is my husband gay?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by BabiesMom, Apr 21, 2015.

  1. BabiesMom

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    He's the last man you'd expect, which I think, is perhaps a sign in-and-of-itself. He's tough, manly and homophobic, which definitely is a sign of a closet gay. But could you weigh in on some other things?
    • I've never, in 16 years, ever caught him looking at porn and he isn't religious or guided by any morals.
    • He's never looked at or admired a woman around me. He always says that pretty women aren't pretty enough.
    • He insists on oral sex almost every night. We rarely have any other kind of sexual contact. He doesn't show interest when I wear lingerie.
    • He hasn't kissed me in ten years. He always says one of us has bad breath but it's a lie. One time I called him out on this and bought every mouthwash, breath strip and mint that the store had and spread them on the table in front of him and said, "There! Let's kiss." But he still wouldn't.

    Some of the more subtle things:
    • He's an alcoholic. I have wondered if he is trying to drink away the pain of hiding his true self his whole life.
    • Before suspecting that he could be gay, our teenage son and I have teased him that he's a "homophobic gay" because he does weird things like thinks it's funny to poke people in the butt hole (through clothes).
    • He was 19 when we got married. (Great cover story)
     
  2. YermanTom

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    There is no "sign of a closeted gay", the only thing that makes a person gay is that they "like" people of the same sex.
    I did the drinking thing to cover up my emotions and sexuality, but that doesn't mean that's the reason he drinks.
    When a good looking guy walks into the room does he look for a few seconds longer than if a good looking girl was there? How is his relationship guys vs. girls?
    Could he be asexual? just not into sex, it happens!
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    It's possible, but on the basis of what you have told us I would be very reluctant to consider him gay. Alcoholism can have a detrimental effect on libido, sexual desire and performance, so that's something to consider carefully, along with a number of other things before questioning his sexuality.

    I'm not ruling it out, but is there anything else that gives you the impression that he might be gay (or bisexual)?
     
  4. guitar

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    I'm with Patrick on this one. There are a few signs that he could be gay, but there is no way to know for sure. I have effeminate male friends who are straight as can be, but give off a "gay vibe." People can act in peculiar ways and still only be attracted to the opposite sex. The only thing that makes one gay is to be attracted to the same sex. That's it. You can be homophobic and still be straight. Sure there are homophobic people who are secretly gay, but that doesn't mean every homophobe is.

    The alcoholism could be covering up something - perhaps sexuality, perhaps childhood traumas, perhaps something else. He could just be an alcoholic because he has an addictive personality, who knows?

    As for sex, that is an odd sign, but perhaps he's just not into vaginal sex? As Tom said, perhaps he's asexual or just not into vaginal intercourse? Some girls don't like oral being performed on them for example - it doesn't mean they're gay, it just means they don't like it (they're not into it).

    The no kissing thing is a bit odd, but again, your husband just might not be into kissing.

    On the whole, you've given a number of hints that your husband MIGHT be gay, but the only one who knows for certain is him. It might be helpful for him to see a psychiatrist, if for no other reason than look into his addiction. You might also want to read Gareth Thomas' book Pride. He was the first professional rugby player to come out, and was married for about a decade to a woman before his sexuality came to a head and he couldn't live the lie any longer. Again, I'm not saying this is your husband at all, but it's possible.
     
  5. BabiesMom

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    I know that the only definitive sign of homosexuality is same sex attraction. I have no proof of that though so I'm going at this with what I know.

    Another thing I thought of, is he has said to me often, "you are the only woman who can get me hard." And I always thought he meant that as a compliment but now I'm thinking of it as more of a confession.
     
  6. Fallingdown7

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    None of this sounds like a sign of being gay, rather than a preference thing or a low sex drive caused by medical issues. It's pretty common in relationships sadly. Contrary to popular belief, not all straight men are sex maniacs or are that visually attracted to the majority of women either.
     
  7. June Cleaver

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    Not necessarily, his deep emotional connection to you could be at play. Again this same problem happened to us after years of being together. Guilt of thought of another woman along with many other things can well prevent it working for someone else. Mike actually hated me in the end blaming me for it as I would not let him? Which endlessly puzzled me until months after the final end when I found out the truth by sheer luck. Men are way more complicated than they would have us believe! I don't claim to understand men but after making my mistakes with them I have learned this. Don't just jump on the he is gay bandwagon, but try marriage counseling, or some form of therapy before jumping to conclusions and destroying your marriage. In America we are to be innocent until proven guilty? Give him the same rope and find out what really is going on rather than assuming the worst! June
     
  8. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    The things you list here are, at most, circumstantial. And even when you add them all together, there's not much evidence of homosexuality. (Not that he is clearly NOT homosexual - just that there's not much evidence to support the theory, either.) It does sound like he has some sort of hang-up about sex. You may want to find a roundabout way to talking about it with him.

    Lex
     
  9. blueberrykisses

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    How are any of those signs of being gay? LOL I hope you are joking...
     
  10. pinkpanther

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    You mentioned that you have a son together, I assume it's his. In that case you did have vaginal sex on a regular basis. Also, there are plenty of gay men, which are married to women, who regularly have sex with their spouses.

    I think that you two need to have a talk about his drinking problem. It's quite likely that it could be interfering with his libido.
     
  11. Theron

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    It could be possible he's just not that interested in sex or sexual activities. The alcohol could be impacting it, or maybe he was never into it to begin with.
     
  12. Andrew99

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  13. White Knight

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    There are several things lead to lack of interest in sex.

    How is your/his enviroinment on LGBT issues? If people constantly mock or say hateful things about us, your husband will likely protect that secret even if you are right. Being a gay man doesn't start with coming out to society, it starts with being in peace with yourself which your husband is lacking according to what you say.

    I'd say visit a family consular or sit and talk with him openly. Point those things troubling you without passing or indicating any judgement like your suspicion on being gay etc. Just tell him how you feel you are failing him as a woman, how you feel unloved and neglected and more how you worried about him and his happiness. If things come to that point even admit your suspicion and say you want him happy no matter what.

    I think your husband is the only one who can uncover this mystery for you.
     
  14. Reddy

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    Most men are lazy and would, I think, happily trade intercourse for a daily blowjob. Think, it is practically no effort nor even intimacy required. The poet WH Auden suggested the same...
     
  15. BabiesMom

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    Thank you everyone. I got a lot of good feedback. I'm not digging for more, or changed opinions but I thought of one more. Since it's interesting I thought I'd share.

    At one point he was afraid he was losing me and he knew I was sexually frustrated so he suggested we try something kinky. I'm almost limitless but I thought we could start with something not too intimidating for him so I suggested we bring another woman into bed with us. And the conversation just came to a halt. I don't remember how or why, maybe we got into a fight or something. But later I was thinking, hey, what happened to that suggestion I made?
     
  16. pgc317

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    I have a witty response and a serious one.

    Witty: Simple. Make the same suggestion but with another guy instead of another woman. Compare reactions.

    Serious: If the lack of intimacy is bothering you, talk about it with him instead of us. We are here to support you, but you two are the only ones who can change your situation for the better. Maybe see a marriage counselor or even a sex therapist.
     
  17. Aldrick

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    All of the things you listed could also be circumstantial evidence for childhood sexual abuse.

    Sadly, trying to figure out if he is gay or not is a distraction from the core issue. That issue being that you are sexually unfulfilled. You are, of course, perfectly right to feel that way given your situation. The fact that you've had to deal with this for nearly two decades is insanity.

    What you need at this moment is for you to visit a therapist. You want this therapist to be good at helping people navigate romantic relationships, maybe have some specialization in childhood sexual abuse (just in case), and also making sure they are LGBT friendly (just in case). This therapist should be qualified and comfortable talking about you and your husbands sex life, or lack thereof--so a sex therapist is the most ideal here.

    I would see this therapist on your own first. Discuss your problems. Build a relationship. Think of it as a job interview. If things don't go well, ditch him/her, and then find another. Once you find someone that you are comfortable with and that you think your husband would be comfortable with as well, that is when you put your foot down with him. Insist that he goes to therapy with you, either together or separately.

    The goal isn't to make your husband into a super sex freak. It's to figure out what is going on with him, and how you both can work together to deal with the situation. If he is gay, hopefully that comes out, and you both can find a way to deal with that in a suitably adult way. If he has childhood sexual trauma, or something else stands in the way of his sexuality, then hopefully he can get that sorted out with your love and support and with the support and guidance of someone who is qualified to do so.

    Unfortunately, those of us here can only give you support on this journey. To engage in whether your husband is gay or not would require us to engage in speculation that really wouldn't be helpful to you solving the underlying problem.
     
  18. Fallingdown7

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    I also don't think this makes him gay. He could simply have issues with his sex drive, or maybe he was abused in his past and can't get into it anymore. And some men simply don't like threesomes, because it makes them feel jealous or competitive; everyone is different.

    You could even argue that wanting to a bring another woman to your bed is a sign that you might actually be a lesbian and not straight at all. It goes both ways.
     
  19. BabiesMom

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    lol. omg. It totally looks like I'm projecting now.
     
  20. Wildside

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    the oral sex may be a key to some of this. I can't tell you how many straight friends of mine complain that their wives never give them oral sex. but your husband's got a wife who gives it to him every night. for some guys, that would be heaven and they would demand it all the time if they could get away with it. and maybe he doesn't want to kiss you because he's so homophobic that he doesn't want to kiss a mouth that's had a dick in it, and he might even imagine that it smells like a dick. you guys got married so young, maybe he just doesn't respect or want you, and so he just makes you pleasure him and closes his eyes. I hate to sound so crude, but his behaviour does seem a bit cruel and unloving, like he is just using you and not reciprocating. I'm sorry you have to live with that. But is he gay? who knows? no matter what the clues, the only way to know for sure that someone is gay is for him to tell you, or to catch him in the act. sorry.