1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Desperately in need of assistance

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by motherslove, Apr 25, 2015.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. motherslove

    motherslove
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Ok, here goes, I am new to all this, I am hoping to find genuine & serious help and advice My son has been in termoil for the last 8year that we know of, he has a routine of going on Drink and Drug Binges disappearing for days then turning up very remorseful feeling angry and sorry for himself all is well for weeks even months then off he goes again he lives in the UK His Dad, lives in abroad with me the stepmum, our relationship with our son is otherwise good, though he had issues with us leaving the UK even though we had spoken to all the children about moving they all said go it will be great. It came out later that he really misses his Dad and never wanted us to go.
    We have spent the last 8years believing it partially down to us that he goes on these binges and possibly still is however it has now been said that when he disappears he has been sleeping with men taken aback of course, as we had NO IDEA as he has been married 2 kids numerous girlfriends and bits on the side never in a million years would anyone have suspected this from him, He is a regular guy, I am very open & open minded we have discussed many things openly in the past though i am gutted to think he has been tormenting himself for years over this, those close to him in the family who are now aware of his jaunts are not upset not disgusted are all in all totally fine with this - if that how he rolls - so what!!! the only one with a REAL problem with it is HIMSELF so after all the background of this what i want to know is HOW CAN WE HELP HIM FEEL BETTER about the whole situation - you see for me, up until we found out about him sleeping with guys I could not work out the pattern of his behavour now it all falls into place he punishes himself for sleeping with guys - he feels dirty he feel bad he feels wrong - so any serious help or advice on how to progress is greatly appreciated. We still dont understand whether he is straight with urges/tendancies or bi or truly gay it doesnt matter we just want him to stop punishing himself, we have been unable, as yet to speak with him directly since the last episode as he beat is current girlfriend got arrested - released - now in psychiatric hopsital for a month
    NB: I do not wish to offend anyone with my wording or phrasing this is a whole new world opening up so feel free to put me right if I stray :bang:
     
    #1 motherslove, Apr 25, 2015
  2. YermanTom

    YermanTom
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2014
    Messages:
    731
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    Co Wicklow Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Find a good (LGBT friendly) therapist.
    First priority is to deal with the drink/drugs binges, sort that out and everything else will fall into place. If he figures out why he drinks etc. he will learn to accept himself.

    (*hug*)
     
    #2 YermanTom, Apr 25, 2015
  3. motherslove

    motherslove
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Thank you for your reply but getting him therapy is hard enough we have had crisis teams telling us there is nothing wrong but obviously we can see the downward spiral and its just getting worse
     
    #3 motherslove, Apr 26, 2015
  4. guitar

    guitar
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,062
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Southern Ontario, Canada
    As others have said, he needs to get his drinking under control.

    You might want to read Gareth Thomas' book Pride. He was the first out pro Rugby player who was married to a woman and incredibility tormented for years over his sexuality. The way he puts his struggles and journey into words is beautiful and had me in tears several times. I would highly recommend it - both for you and the family, but mostly for himself.
     
    #4 guitar, Apr 26, 2015
  5. YermanTom

    YermanTom
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2014
    Messages:
    731
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    Co Wicklow Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are in a difficult place.
    Unfortunately with people that have addiction problems the addicted person has to recognise that they have a problem before they can deal with it.
    I had an uncle that had a very successful business but lost it and ended up homeless through drink. He had to hit rock bottom before he did something about his addiction. Not everyone has to go that low but they have to reach a stage in their lives that shocks them into getting their lives back together.
    For me it was being told of my drunken behaviour at a neighbours party and not being able to remember a thing about it. (I think I was lucky).
    I would suggest you contact a group that supports family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. Alcoholism not just affects the addict but the entire family.
    Your first priority is to look after yourself.
    A good phrase to remember is: You did not cause it You can not fix it and You can't cure it.
    Look after yourself.(*hug*)
     
    #5 YermanTom, Apr 27, 2015
  6. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi,

    When you say you have crisis teams saying there's nothing wrong... what exactly does that mean? Are they saying he's functional and not in need of help? It would help to know what their assessment is.

    The nature of the drug/alcohol use is an important consideration as well; if he bingeing, are the binges getting more frequent? Is he using in between binges? What drugs are involved? All of these play into how serious the problem is and what resolution is appropriate.

    What is clear is that the dual diagnosis (drug use + depression/acting out secondary to closeted homosexual behavior) needs to be dealt with together, by a clinician or team skilled in working with these specific issues. I have a resource person at a topnotch inpatient program in the US that I can refer you to who specializes in these issues if you want; I don't know what sort of resources are available in Spain.
     
    #6 Chip, Apr 27, 2015
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)