My boyfriend

Hi pinkPrincess910

Well I am a gay male and I have been with girls but never in a proper relationship with one. I know some that did though.

He cheated on you, and this is not okay. regardless of his orientation

You have handled very well the news, and fortunately your boyfriend told you the truth in the end. Still in this society, for a man to admit he is gay or attracted to guys is one of the most difficult thing you can imagine. The taboo is still strong. Because of this many many gay men are so afraid to be themselves that they enter hetero relationship. I don't know how you are feeling right now, but the emotional reaction from your boyfriend speaks volumes. This must have been incredibly difficult for him, especially living is South Carolina.

By your words, it seems he is gay. I don't know about your orientation (suppose you are straight), so try to imagine what would be like for you be into a relationship with a female. Don't get me wrong, I am sure your boyfriend loves you very much, but it also seems his sexual relationships need to be with men.


I personally think he have had enough experience with men. For example, I am sure you knew you liked boys before actually being with one. My advice is to rethink the relationship. Give it some time. support him and encourage him to be honest with himself. See, in this forum there are many guys that married to women because of society pressures. It would be no fun to be married to a guy that although loves you, the main reason he stays in the relationship is because society pressures. You deserve a man that desires you only, no other guys.

So yes, I agree with you that he needs to find himself, maybe it is a good idea to put the relationship on hold for some time. A questions. ¿Would be his family/friends aceppting in case he is gay?

Good luck and I hope everything turns well.

 

Have no advice, just wish you two luck. I know how it is to live in South Carolina and be pressured into things based on how others feel you should be.
The person above is correct in everything, and he really shouldn't of cheated on you. But I can also see it from his point of view where he might of been scared to express to you what was going on. If he thought he was gay and wasn't 100% sure than he probably didn't want to ruin the relationship with you on the off chance that he was gay. Not really an excuse.
I would suggest talking to him, expressing how this made you feel, as well as let him know that you are supportive of him finding himself. Just let him know he might lose a girlfriend but won't lose a friend.

 

That is a major red flag right there for me. People who want to engage in consensual sex don't usually start crying. It's hard to imagine what your boyfriend must be going through, but it is important to remember that men in his situation often feel pressured to have sex with the woman they're with--in an effort to maintain a hold on their straight identity, as well as to keep the relationship together.

I am not sure what you are asking for in terms of advice. Your boyfriend has pretty much come out to you as gay. Whether he is willing to admit it at this point, this is pretty much a dead end for your relationship. Sure, he might be willing to keep doing things to try and keep you, but you need to take a moment and step outside of yourself and the relationship here. The only reason he would want that is to maintain his straight appearance to the world. He may genuinely care for you deeply, but it's not the same type of love and care he would have for another man. Then there is your perspective on the matter, and the fact that you are entitled to someone who can actually love you in the way that you deserve.

I am not suggesting that you go to him and immediately break the relationship off. However, it would be wise to discuss your future together with him, and let him know that you want him to be happy. He may tell you that he wants to be happy with you, but it's important to see that for what it is: an attempt to use you as a shield.

Now, obviously, you shouldn't go and tell anyone about him. This is something that he has to sort out, and just because your romantic relationship ends does not mean the close ties you've both built together have to end also. You can love him, cherish him, and spend the rest of your life supporting one another as very close friends. I don't even necessarily like the idea of "breakup" -- more of an "evolution in the relationship." You both might need some space to mend your feelings, in the immediate aftermath, but that doesn't mean you both shouldn't remain supportive.

Unlike the other posters, I would just ignore the infidelity in the relationship. At this point it is inconsequential, and is nothing compared to the immediate problem that needs addressing.

My biggest concern is that you are making these accommodations for him. This is not helpful to him, and it is not fair to you.

In this immediate moment my advice is to speak to your boyfriend about events. Get a feel as to where his head is at, and start sharing your feelings with him. Be honest, and encourage him to be honest as well. If it seems appropriate based on the conversation, begin discussing your future together, and whether or not the relationship will work. My advice to you here is this: If you were your best friend, and your best friend came to you to discuss this situation, giving you all the necessary details, what would be your advice to her? Take that advice.

 

pinkprincess910 -

You are an amazing woman, and any man would be lucky to find himself with you. Your boyfriend is extremely lucky, as although some people react as you do, many do not.

I understand what your boyfriend is feeling and going through. You are right to be concerned about him having feelings of being abandoned. It may be hard for him to talk about it, but the truth of the matter is what he needs the most is to talk about it. He needs to get his thoughts and feelings out of his head. The more he talks about it, the better he is going to feel.

I would suggest gently nudging him toward getting some therapy. He might not be ready to make that big of a step yet, because it would involve coming out to someone else. A more immediate step is to find ways to encourage him to talk about it, ideally beyond text (though that's acceptable if that's the only way he can do it), and ideally in a lit room face-to-face. The more he talks about it, the more confident he is going to become, and the less anxiety he will feel when discussing it.

There is a lot of work to do here. But getting him to just feel comfortable opening up to you about it in a face-to-face way will be a major first step. This might take some time, and there may be moments where you just have to back off because he will shut down completely. If nothing else, encourage him to write you letters. Writing is a good form of self-expression.

This brings the focus back to you. All of this puts you in a difficult position. The odds are that your boyfriend is eventually going to come out as gay, and then leave you. The good news is that pretty much everything from the relationship worth saving can be saved, the friendship, the love, the bond you both share, the children you both have together. You can even continue to rely on one another for emotional and financial support. However, you would be parting ways in a sense to live separate romantic lives.

You need to figure out how you want to land when the relationship comes to an end. You do not want to be in a position where you've invested a lot of energy into getting him to where he needs to be, and then suddenly he's ready to leave and move on... and you are sort of... well... you're caught flat-footed. You've invested so much energy in him, once he's gone, what will you do? You need to think about your own future, and plan ahead for yourself. This is important so that, when he is ready to move on, you are also ready to move on.

The good news is that you've already taken an important step in that direction, by realizing the relationship is eventually going to come to an end. My concern when reading your original post, was that you might be clinging to some degree of hope that it could be salvaged. This is a bad place to be, and I've seen other people make this mistake. It usually leads to upset, bitterness, or anger down the road. Things usually work out for awhile, but then he will reach a point, as you already know, where he's ready to move on. You need to be in the same place mentally and emotionally.

Another bit of good news, since you mentioned that you have children, is that you are working through this in a responsible manner. You are not rushing, you are not angry, you are in a position where you can gradually dissolve the romantic relationship. This leaves you in the position where you can end the relationship on good terms, and it provides more stability for the children. It's always hard and difficult on the children when romantic relationships end, and the parents are at odds with one another. The chances of this happening in your future are much smaller.

I would encourage you to continue to ask questions here, share your thoughts, seek support, and share any progress (or roadblocks) you run into as time passes.

 

Wow, your responses are very loving and giving. The advice you have received is very encouraging too. As Aldrick is saying - you do need to think of yourself too. You haven't said much about how this has made you feel and what you want for yourself and children. Your partner needs your support but it is actually supporting him to bring your needs into the discussion at some point too.
All the best with your journey.

 

this is interesting. i met a woman once a bar. she was very pretty. she was older. we started to talk. she was single. she told me a story very similar to yours. she said when her husband finally came clean, she said she was even ok with him exploring AS LONG as she knew about the explorations with other men and who they were. they had kids she said. but then she said that her husband started to violate her trust and starting hooking up with random guys in motels by the highway. she said she eventually found out about it and she had to cancel it. she thought maybe he could be bisexual and that they could work it out but once she said the realized he was hooking up with random men in hotels, she had to let him go because he could be putting her life and health in danger. she said he was very successful in his career. well the family broke up and she said he came out to his kids and they were accepting and now he is full-on gay and loving it. she said for her it's fine, but she is now single and thrown into the dating world. she was very very attractive and i felt somewhat sorry for her because she was too good to be thrown into the endless dating pit at her age.

i would suggest ending it and letting him pursue his attraction with men.

 

While I admire your open-mindedness, I would not trust this guy. I can understand opening up a relationship after a lot of careful thought and discussion, but he cheated on you and put your physical and emotional health at risk by being dishonest. It also sounds like he must be flat-out gay.

I think you'd both be better off if you took a step back. He should be free to explore, and you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and love you fully.

 

Honey.

Your boyfriend is, at the very least, not 100% heterosexual, let's get out of the way. He's had sex with men, and he's enjoyed it.

This is very complicated, it sounds like, and I have to give you your props, because if I had been you, I might not have been able to stay. But, if I were you, I would also begin to question if this was fair to me. Let's say you two get married, and he continues this - are you going to be okay with it then? Marriage to a closeted gay man is not fun - and while it would be possible to be married to a man that is bisexual, his habit of straying is very concerning.

And another thing that stood out to me - he cried when you touched him.

This says to me one of two things: he didn't want you to touch him, or didn't like being touched by a woman, period.

He sounds gay, not even bisexual, but just gay.

You need to know where it stands, and end it if need be - for his sake, and yours.