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Mom of 12 year old - Need Advice

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by MomOf2Boys, May 6, 2015.

  1. MomOf2Boys

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    Hi All,

    I was sitting in my home office working when my (newly) 12 year old son came in and quietly sat down and asked me "Mom, what would you say if I was gay"? Without missing a beat, I responded with "I would say I love you".

    That's when the feeling of time literally stopping happened.

    I shut off my monitor and scooted my chair next to him. Although I didn't realize it then, I was bombarding him with questions. He looked uncomfortable. He said he "thinks" he is - so I asked him why. He said he felt this way since last year (5th grade?!). He hasn't gone through puberty yet. I googled for hours, and this website seemed the most accepting and honest.....so here is my dilemma:

    1) Why can't I stop crying? I will absolutely love my son no matter what - so why do I feel so sad and cannot stop crying??

    2) He asked me not to tell my husband (dad). I told him I promised I wouldn't - I told him that this is his story to tell, not mine. BUT - How can I keep this a secret? When my husband asked me why I was crying in our room, I told him I had a bad day at work. Basically I lied to my husband to protect my son. How long can I do this for?

    3) Is there ANY possible way he is actually straight and going through a "phase"?

    Thank you in advanced for being kind - my head is spinning.
     
  2. bubbles123

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    I'm not a parent so I'm probably not the most knowledgeable in this area but
    1) As long as you accept your son (which you clearly do) and make sure he knows that, that's what's important here. You may be really emotional simply because your son coming out is just an emotional experience. For him to be brave and tell you like that probably was just a really emotional experience for you. It's a big change and that's why you're probably emotional. It will probably get better with time.
    2) Again, I don't have much personal experience here, but I think it was right of you to not tell your husband right away since you want your son to be the one to tell him, which makes perfect sense. It's not like you were intending on keeping it a secret forever so he doesn't know because you don't think he can handle it. You wanted your son to be the one to tell him, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do and I think you should try to encourage your son to tell him. If your husband will be accepting, tell your son that. Tell him that his dad will love him no matter what (just don't push him too much right now though). I think if your husband knows you just want your son to tell him he'd understand.
    3) I can't say if your son could be going through a phase or not, it's really something only he can figure out with time and it's important that you give him that time. Try to avoid asking him if you think it may be a phase or hinting at it. This might upset him because what he's going through is very real for him and it may make him feel you don't trust him or aren't supportive.

    Again, I'm not very experienced in this area myself so I would wait for a second opinion if I were you.
    But the best thing you can do right now though is be supportive to your son, which you seem to be. Try to stay positive and make sure your son knows you love him. Best of luck to you and your family!
     
    #2 bubbles123, May 6, 2015
    Last edited: May 6, 2015
  3. Chiroptera

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    Hi MomOf2Boys, welcome to EC!

    I will quote a phrase from this link: Empty Closets - Coming Out and Staying Out

    Your questions:

    If you didn't expect it, then it may be because of the surprise. Don't worry.

    I think it is important that you respect your son's privacy. Coming out is a hard process, especially for the person, so i would recommend that you keep it a secret, at least for now (my opinion). But, if you think your husband will react positively, then consider talking to your son and asking him if you can tell your husband, or if he can do it.

    I would recommend waiting for a second opinion here in the forum, though.

    If he is confused, then he may be straight, but there is no such thing as a "phase", if he is sure that he isn't straight. Also, remember that it is quite uncommon for straight people to start questioning their sexuality.

    Read the post from bubbles123 ^ , i think she covered some great info there.

    I want to congratulate you in being such a great mom, coming here for advice, and supporting your son. Be proud of yourself! :slight_smile:

    We are here for anything you need, don't be afraid to ask any questions :]

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
    #3 Chiroptera, May 6, 2015
    Last edited: May 6, 2015
  4. nohalos

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    It could be you're 1.) Just wasn't expecting it. 2.) You're fearing that your son will face negativity for being the way he is.


    Well, you have to do this as long as your son is ready to tell his dad, unfortunately. (Remember you promised, mom!) Maybe you can at least gauge him out a bit, see if he reacts to some news about the LGBT community positively. This way, if you confirm he's accepting, encourage your little boy to come out.


    Not sure. I agree with Chiroptera, though. If he's straight, it's unlikely for him to question his sexuality.


    Good luck, mom! I wish I had an accepting mom, too. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Ashleigh16

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    It could just be because you were Surprised and are worried about him. I wish my mom was as open as you.

    My suggestion would be to come up with answers when possible that are true but don't tell about that

    I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm going through a phase but I highly doubt he is
     
  6. Chip

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    First off... you're an amazing mom. You responded *exactly* the way your son needed you to do, and I can't adequately convey just how incredibly important, and valuable, and meaningful that one little action on your part -- which must have been incredibly difficult for you -- meant to him, and how much we know, from research, how much it positively impacted and protected him.

    Second off... your response is completely normal. Any time we experience a loss -- in this case the loss (or potential loss) of perception that he's straight -- there are 5 stages in processing the loss. Denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Additionally, your natural fears for what it will mean for him kick in as well.

    It's important to know and understand, too, that in 2015, the negative impact it will have on him will be a lot more minimal than it would have been even 5 years ago. Sure, there are some difficulties and challenges that gay kids have that straight ones don't, but overall, acceptance is at an all-time high.

    Onto the question of whether he's gay or straight: We may need to update that article :slight_smile: ... it likely references much older materials than what we now know to be the case.

    From what we now know, it appears that sexual orientation is fixed very early in life, almost certainly before age 5. Many kids know very, very early, sometimes at 3 or 4. So knowing at 10, even well before puberty, isn't that unusual. It is possible, but not likely, that he could still be straight. In general, what we see is that kids who are genuinely straight question for about 5 minutes (OK, maybe a day or two) and go "Yeah, there's no attraction at all to the same sex for me."

    So when someone's been thinking about it and considering it... and is at the point of talking to you about it, most likely it is pretty certain. He may, in fact, be a lot more certain than he's letting on, but was hedging his bets in case your response wasn't as positive. That's a very common pattern especially with kids as young as he is.

    So summing up, I think it is pretty likely he is gay. I'll again say... you're doing an awesome job. It may not feel like it right now, but you are. The best you can do is be there, let him take his time, and lay off of it. He may not want to talk about it again for days, weeks, months... or he might come back to you tomorrow. No way to tell. But it needs to be on his terms.

    The one piece that's challenging is keeping it from his dad. It might be worthwhile to go back to him in a few days and try talking to him a bit about the issue. Since you gave him your word, you need to honor that -- trust is incredibly important to kids -- but he might also be able to understand the complexity of the situation, that you want his dad to know so he can be supportive also... so he might be OK with his dad knowing, especially if he can be assured that his dad will be OK with it.

    Also, even though technically our minimum age is 13, with a parent's permission we do allow younger kids on here and we have a few who are 12 and a bunch who are 13 and 14. It's about a safe a place as you'll find where he can talk to others in his situation without having to worry about creepers and predators.

    Last suggestion: You might want to find a local PFLAG chapter in your area... Google it, there's one nearly everywhere. They're an incredibly welcoming and supportive bunch of people just like you, and it's great to have other parents to talk to who have experienced exactly what you're experiencing. And there are also a fair number of parents here at EC, and plenty of others who will offer help and support to you, as well as to your son.
     
  7. Aldrick

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    I am going to echo everything that Chip wrote, and respond more directly to your questions.

    This is a normal response. Lots of parents have this response. It is a normal grieving process. The perception of your son as straight, what his future looks like, and the challenges he may face... all of that is shifting in your head. Tears do not mean sadness. People cry for lots of reasons, and in your case, it is likely emotional overload. You are confused, fearful, uncertain, filled with love for your son... lots of emotions. The logical response is to cry to try and relieve some of the tension.

    Obviously, it is best if your son does not see you crying, because he will likely misinterpret your tears. However, you shouldn't hold back when you're alone. You need to give yourself some time to sort through your feelings. Trust me when I say, in a couple days to a few weeks, this feeling will pass and you'll have your head back on straight. The response you are having is a VERY common response.

    You are in a difficult situation. Obviously, you should honor your word with your son, but this places a huge burden upon you. However, your son is likely worried about his Dad knowing because he fears his Dad having a negative reaction, or viewing him in a different (less favorable) light. You know your husband better than anyone else. What do you think his response will be when he finds out?

    If you think his response will be negative, then you should probably be the one to tell him, once your son is prepared to let him know AND you are ready for it yourself emotionally. This is when you have to really become your sons advocate.

    What your son wants to hear from his Dad (and you as well), is that his father is proud of him for being brave enough to share the information, and that he loves him even more for that bravery. This is what your son wants to hear, and this is the message you should be sending him. You want him to be as open with you as possible.

    Once you've had time to get your emotions together, and you start to feel ready for the next step, you should approach your son again and have another conversation. This time on how long he thinks he wants to wait to tell his Dad. You should give him gentle nudges in that direction.

    You may not have thought of this, as your emotions are still too raw and you have a lot going on. However, I think it is important that you have this experience. This is very much what it is like for your son to be in the closet, to have a secret, and to be forced to keep it from everyone around him. You can think of this as a way to see the world through his eyes.

    No. He would not be telling you if he was not certain. I knew that I was gay beyond a shadow of a doubt at twelve years old as well. If he gave you any reason to think otherwise, it was a form of hedging in case you took it poorly.

    Also, showering him with questions in that moment was likely frightening. He was likely already terrified in telling you, but showering him with questions (an understandable reaction), many of which he was likely unprepared to answer, likely frightened him. I would recommend that you have another sit down talk with him, just between the two of you, soon--like within the next day or so. This talk would be just you reaffirming how much you love him, are proud of him, and are glad that he felt that he could trust you. Talk to him about people remaining in the closet until they are much older, and how proud of him you are for feeling brave enough to do it while young.

    He might have questions. Answer them to the best of your ability. He might say nothing, that's a possibility also. Of course, even if he says nothing, it doesn't mean he isn't listening. You don't want to hit him with any questions here, unless the discussion becomes very casual, and he seems very relaxed. (You likely won't feel very relaxed. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) This is just an opportunity for you to re-stress to him how proud you are of him, how much you love him, and for you to sort of start paving the way for the next big conversation which is telling his Dad.

    It's important to give him an opportunity to speak if he wants to do so. So, if he is talking listen as best you can, and try not to let your mind fill up with questions. Try to genuinely hear him, understand what he is telling you, and respond accordingly. This can be hard to do when your mind is reeling.

    You handled the shock of the situation well. You are a good mother, and of course--feel free to continue posting on EC and asking questions. (*hug*)
     
  8. MomOf2Boys

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    Thank you all so much. Last night I went to his room to say goodnight - I didn't mention anything - I just laid next to him and told him how proud I was of him, how much I love him, and how awesome of kid he is.

    Yes, this is a shock. He is only 12, but he is the "jock" athletic one in the family. Girls flock to him, text him constantly, etc. He plays sports and call of duty. He goes to ballgames with his dad. I know all of this means absolutely nothing when it comes down to it -- just trying to express why this is so much of a shock to me.

    And about my husband - he is a very traditional, Hispanic, Catholic man. I'm terrified of what his reaction would be, so I can only imagine how my son feels at the thought of telling his dad. We will cross that bridge when the time comes for my son, but he absolutely knows I will be there to help.

    Any other tips on how I should act? This morning as he was eating his cereal at the table, I caught myself just staring at him - staring at how much I love this little boy and how I want him to go through life feeling secure - and sad that I cannot protect him from the cruel world out there. Aaaaaand now I cry.
     
  9. Foz

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    What activities someone likes really isn't a big indicator of sexuality, but it's a common mistake. I compete club series race events, not many people think a gay person would fly round a race track at over 130mph! Sexuality is just that - sexuality, it doesn't dictate what activities he enjoys. The only gay people most know are flamboyant and effeminate as that's what they see because others just haven't said, indeed that's a reason what kept me in the closet for nearly 9 years is that I thought I was the only one like me.

    As for your husband, just try and drop in LGBT related news topics into conversation and see how he reacts, that's the best way to gauge what his reaction may be. But many people have bigoted view of gays and what they are, but once they see that even their son is gay, their opinions and views do change rather quickly.

    Give your son a few days to settle in with the fact of what he told you, I came out for the first time last week to a friend and I just had this 'weird' feeling for a few days that did I say it right? And so on. But obviously as a parent you want to know more, try and avoid questions he may think are hostile, maybe start off "how does it feel to be gay?" and just see where the conversation takes you.

    As others said it's fine to be upset, your (not so) little boy will be an adult soon and you may have began having thoughts of how he'd grow up, provide you with grandchildren etc. and now that's gone you don't know what is in the future. You may also be scared of him being bullied, I was violently bullied for 3-4 years in high school but despite that having this feeling inside me that I wasn't who I wanted to be and having sexual feeling about male friends was always worse. Being in the closet for 9 years is brutal, so you can take comfort in knowing that he will never have those feelings which are much worse than any bruise or blood a bully can draw (*hug*)
     
  10. Chiroptera

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    I almost only use black clothes, i listen to metal all day, and i play Counter-Strike, World of Warcraft, GTA V... not really close to the stereotype, but i'm still not straight :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: (i need to check out Call of Duty btw XD ). My mom was shocked too, but, as you said, we don't need to fit in the stereotype. But i understand what you mean.


    Act normally. If he needs you, you made it clear that you are there for him. But remember that he is your son, and nothing changed about him, you just discovered a little more about him, but he is still the same.

    I'm not going to lie, we know that the world isn't the most welcoming place for LGBT people, but, hey, things are getting better and better everyday, especially in countries like the US. And, to have his mother supporting him is already a really, really huge thing (i don't think i can express the importance of having the support of your parents. As i said, be proud of yourself, you are a great mom).

    We are here for anything you need. If you feel that Empty Closets could be useful to him, now or in the future, you may tell him about the site too.

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  11. mukumuku

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    Continue to support him and make sure he knows he can talk to you whenever he needs it. Having his mother as an ally is so invaluable and will make a world of a difference. You're doing a wonderful job.

    If you only lied to your husband when telling him why you were crying, I think you are fine.. I don't imagine there will be many more times, if any, that the subject will need to be brought up with your husband unless you son tells him. I would absolutely not try to drop hints, approach the topic, try to gauge how he might react, etc without your son specifically asking you to.

    I would really err on the side of caution with that. While he's still figuring it out, considering his age and how he said he "thinks" he might be gay, I'd not outright label him as anything - that could potentially put a lot of pressure on him.. let him take the lead on terms/labels/etc.
     
  12. Andrew99

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    1. You're probably a little disappointed and may have not seen that coming or maybe you're just really worried about him since the world can be harsh on lgbt people.
    2. The best thing to do is to just let your son come out to him.
    3. Yes it is possible. But he might actually know already. I figured it out at 11.
    Hope this helps. :slight_smile:
     
  13. Lipstick Leuger

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    Yes, of course it could be a phase but it is good that he is talking to you about it. Not everyone who questions turns out gay and some who really don't question, do. There are no hard and fast rules. Also, I think kids question that now more because they know it is a normal thing, they can be either. They take the time to make sure of who they are. It's an AWESOME thing that they know this, unlike when I grew up. Of course I have to say that if he is questioning it for a longer period of a few days, he most likely is. Most straight kids don't spend tons of time wondering if they are gay, they just ask it and move on.

    I am a mother myself of three kids, 2 young adults and a teen(now) and even though I am gay, I still was a bit upset that my girls were not 100% straight.(had lots of guilt over that surprise feeling, also LOL) Why? because I have lived though difficult times and I did not want my girls to be hurt, have people treat them differently, and see them differently. Of course you love your son, but being gay is not the future you had in mind for him, and it's ok to mourn that aspect. He will be ok and figure it all out, and it really IS so much better now. You hear the worse on T.V., but it is not like that in schools much any more. People are more accepting, we are getting our rights and respect.

    When I came out, first at 16, to my Mom who basically had no understanding of it(the 80's)I ended up back in the closet, married 3 years later, and trying to make a straight go of it. I spent my early 20's accepting me as 'not straight' and mourning, working through things and deciding who I was. It's a process. You will not be able to accept it all at once and it will take time. Love yourself enough to give yourself that much needed time to make sense of it.

    Society gives us the idea that all children are going to be straight and when they turn out not to be, it is a shaking of our foundation and what we were taught. So, take your time and use that time to get involved with PFLAG, even if you only read about it online. Find support groups, and know you are welcome here, please PM me if you want to chat.:thumbsup:
     
    #13 Lipstick Leuger, May 9, 2015
    Last edited: May 9, 2015
  14. MomOf2Boys

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    Last night, in the middle of the night, we woke up to the sound of an officer pounding on our door. I race downstairs, and he tells me that they received a 911 call from one of my son's friends. My son told his friend he was going to hang himself.

    My world is shattering. He is only 12. He acts happy as can be when he's with us. Can sexual orientation really be that much of a deep pain and suffering inside him?

    It's Mother's Day and I am frantically calling after hours hotlines trying to get help. His Pediatrician office is of course closed until tomorrow. Do I send him to school?

    Thank you for listening and responding - I know we're strangers, but your advice is being taken with so much appreciation.
     
  15. HappyGirlLucky

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    Oh my god, I'm so sorry about what happened! I can't even imagine how horrifying that must be!! :frowning2: Did you talk to your son about it yet?

    I don't have much advice to give and I don't know what to say, but you can talk to me on my wall if you feel like just talking to someone! (*hug*)

    Edited to add: I just realized you can't post on my wall because you don't have enough posts. I think that requires 10 posts? I will subscribe to this thread instead so I get a notification whenever you post.
     
    #15 HappyGirlLucky, May 10, 2015
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  16. sappho06

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    I hope he's okay? It's good that his friend called the police and it's good that he has friends with who he can talk. First of all, don't send him to school tomorrow, unless he wants to go and you warn the school of the situation. I'm only a teenager, so I can't relate to you, but I'm guessing I can kind of understand your son.

    I came out to my parents recently because I was sick of having to hide it. I knew since I was 12. You reacted the right way and you sound like a great parent. What annoyed me most was my mother's reaction: loads of questions, dragging it on and being overly "hey look, I'm open-minded!".
    Coming out to the parents is, in my opinion, like finally being completely out to yourself, stop questionning and hiding. I thought that once I was out to everyone, I could just move on and live my life, but now when my parents mention anything about me being gay, I get pissed off, at myself, for having come out or for being gay.

    I know that this is just my story, and I'm sorry if I went completely out of context. My point is, it's a change for everyone, but it's obviously quite hard for your son. Don't push him into talking about it. Ask him if he wants to see a psychologist (which he probably does). What I've learnt is that parents feel that they need to understand their child and be able to help them through every stage of their life. I don't know if it's true though.

    I'm sorry if my post isn't very helpf. Please keep us updated. I hope it all goes well.
     
  17. Jeez, this seems like a difficult situation you and your son find yourselves in.

    I can relate to feeling such extremes of emotions as the world finds out about your sexuality, but I'm a 30 year old guy. I can handle it :slight_smile: For a 12 year old boy on the brink of puberty, those emotions are probably magnified x1000. I can't offer advice beyond pointing out what not to do;

    Whenever kids open up to parents about stuff like this, a common reaction is to give advice, tell them their feelings don't matter, or are a phase, tell them it would be better if they made it all go away and, most importantly, parents can feel the need to urgently *do something.*

    Doing *something* can be necessary sometimes, but very often, it just makes things worse and teaches the kid a lesson that opening up about these feelings will result in bad things happening. When the world has convinced you that you're going insane, what you need is reassurance that your feelings and thoughts are normal and ok.

    I've seen posts on here from parents who, after their kid opens up about being gay/bi, suddenly start changing bedroom arrangements, changing schools etc etc. Basically, when the kid has had this stuff running through his head for months/years and decides to open up about it, their worst fears are realised - their parents start treating them *differently*

    I can't tell you what to do, but do please bear ^ in mind.

    Good luck with everything. :slight_smile:
     
    #17 uniqueusername3, May 10, 2015
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  18. Lipstick Leuger

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    Yes, sexual orientation can cause many of us to attempt suicide. He told his friend, because he wanted some one to know and to stop him. It was your sons cry for help. I attempted it at 14 when I started to question. It's unlikely you will be able to hide this from his father any longer either, so be prepared for that.

    Do not send him to school tomorrow. Keep him with you all day and look up a Psychologist that deals with sexuality for him to talk to. I would not ask him, I would insist that he goes, with you, and hopefully his father, also. It's also time to have a heart to heart with him and ask him why he thinks that suicide is the answer. Ask him what he thinks it will solve. He may be scared of being gay, he may be afraid that he will have no support or lose friends, but I would not put it off. If he hedges around, make it clear to him that you are ok with him being gay, that it makes no difference to you and you will always have his back about this. I always told my kids that I would not question them overly, but if they gave me a reason to, I would.

    This is not something that you can put off, your son is obviously struggling and he needs to know you will help him be strong.
     
  19. whatdoIneed

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Let me preface this by saying while I am an adult (at least allegedly lol), I don't have kids. Also, I just accepted I was gay about a year ago and have only told my therapist. That said, my first thought is, of course, thank God for your son's friend. It definitely seems you handled his coming out as well as could be expected. The suicide threat must be taken seriously and likely makes the issue of telling his dad moot. My thought is to do what you need to be sure you son is safe- including therapy if needed. Just make it clear he's not going to therapy because he's gay- he's going because you don't want him to be so upset he wants to end his life.
     
  20. Clay

    Full Member

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    So that's unexpected but quite serious. You asked if his sexuality can cause that much suffering, and yes as you can see it's can cause serious depression. You said you husband is a traditional Catholic, and I'm not sure about the rest of your family but chances are these are some the reasons your son was planning to do that. Fear about how his dad will react, fear that he's going to upset people.

    In this situation you should find a therapist for him to speak to. Make it absolutely clear to him that it's not because he's gay, it's just that you want him to be happy and have someone to talk to. Make it clear to him that he can always talk to you too, and you love and support him, and you will always have his side. That when he tells dad he will 100% have your support.

    Another uncomfortable truth about this is he's going to have to tell his dad soon I think. With all that's happening, it's going to be hard to keep it a secret for much longer I think.

    You see that being gay can cause him so much stress and turmoil. If he has your love and support it will take some time, but he will learn to fully accept it and will be happy. Just be there for him and he should be ok.