1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Need some advice

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Undrstandingmom, May 14, 2015.

  1. Undrstandingmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    birmingham
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    My 15 year old daughter came to me a year ago and told me she was gay. I have known her whole life, but as she started to mature she had several so called boyfriends so I just put it out of my mind. Then just out of the blue one day while riding in the car she just blurts out "Momma you know how most girls like bananas well I like peaches" her 7 year old sister was in the car also so I appreciated the cryptic message to avoid questions from a 7 year old I wasn't prepared to answer. I went through all the symptoms of mourning who I wanted my daughter to be and have come to grips with no matter who she loves she will always be my precious baby. Her father & I are both very supportive of her, but we both come from very conservative family's so she didn't want us to tell anyone in our extended family. I'm sure for the fear of them treating her differently (which I believe would never happen) but ultimately it is her decision. Today she says to me, Momma I need you to know I have a girlfriend and she goes so my school. I haven't seen my sweet girl this happy in I don't know how long. But then all of a sudden the parent in me kicks in. I have never raised a lesbian daughter before, I don't know the rules, I mean of course this girl can never stay the night at our home. But how exactly am I supposed to let her carry on this relationship and not have extended family ask questions? What about her baby sister (who idolizes her by the way) I know she will never judge her sister, but I just don't think I'm ready to discuss sexual orientation with a 8 year old. I want my daughter to be happy. But I'm just not sure what the rules are for teen girls dating other teen girls.
     
  2. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    Here's the thing about sleepovers, and my kids aren't that age yet, so feel free to tell me to stuff it, in high school, my parents didn't know about my sexual relationship with my best friend, so we had sleepovers. Nothing happened at those sleepovers that we couldn't find some other time to have happen. My boyfriend lived 2 hours away, so we frequently had sleepovers for the weekend in separate rooms. Again, anything that happened could have happened anyway (and did). On the other hand, as a parent, I understand the idea that you don't want it to look like you condone the sex if you don't.

    My group of friends also had a lot of coed group sleepovers after dances. My parents were concerned about drinking and drugging, and since they didn't allow it, they let everyone come over and stay the night to help prevent that activity. There were certainly times folks were in corners making out, but we were safe (and not actually having intercourse for the most part in high school) and not drinking.

    I lived in Birmingham for a few years, so I know how conservative it can be (I'm assuming Alabama), so this may all be advice that doesn't work. I am working on teaching my kids to respect their bodies so someday we can discuss safe sex. I'd rather them not to have sex until they are old enough to be emotionally ready.

    Since your daughter has expressed that she is a lesbian, the whole notion of virginity as penis in vagina sex doesn't apply, and you will need to rethink how you want her to view acceptable sexual relations.

    Oh, and if you are really daring/crazy, I've heard it's a good idea to get girls a small vibrator to use rather than having premature sex... Not sure if I'm up for that, but I've got 10 years or so to think about it. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Undrstandingmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    birmingham
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you for the advice, everything helps even if it's something I wouldn't personally do. My husband thinks we should handle it just as she was dating a boy. With the same exact rules applying. I will def put a lot of thought into your suggestions. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Aldrick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    Your husband is right on how you should handle the dating situation. That situation is really no different than if she were dating a boy, or if she were a boy dating a girl. Same rules apply, whatever those rules in your house happen to be. This way you can enforce things fairly and equally for all your children--that's really the most important part. That you are consistent and fair.

    Now, obviously, her being in a relationship with a female has advantages from a parental perspective. There is a lower rate of STD transmission, and no chance of teen pregnancy. So, some of the major concerns (especially pregnancy) that you would have with her if she were dating a boy are non-factors in a lesbian relationship. This takes some of the worry off of you.

    Of course, you still need to have a conversation with her about safe sex. That's where things get awkward for you. How familiar are you with lesbian sex, and specifically safe sex practices for lesbians? It's important to have these conversations with her, but these are the conversations you are most likely the least prepared to have--in part, because these are things you likely never had to consider in your own life, and they were not things taught to you in school. So, you probably have no real knowledge on where to even begin. If you need help in this area, let us know. There are some special things that you want to consider in how you discuss and think about the issue.

    Finally, there is the situation with your youngest daughter. This is not a big deal. It's important to understand that gay relationships are no different than straight relationships. So you aren't talking to your youngest daughter about sex. You are talking to her about relationships. You are obviously not hiding straight relationships from her, and she sees those all the time. The same rules apply here. You just explain to her that sometimes girls like girls in the same way some girls like boys, and sometimes boys like boys in the same way some boys like girls. And that's pretty much it. It's not like your eight year old is suddenly going to blurt out, "So, if she's a girl, and she's with another girl... how do they have sex?" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Most eight year olds are going to shrug, and just accept it. It's not going to be strange or a big deal. It's important to see this from the perspective of an eight year old. There may be some questions, but they are going to be questions from an eight year old perspective and they aren't going to have anything related to sex.

    The larger problem facing you in this situation, is that someone that young may not be able to keep it under wraps. So, she could blurt it out to her grandparents or something. This is a conversation you need to have with your eldest daughter, so that she understands the consequences of telling someone that young. Also, as someone who is gay, I'd have a conversation with her about the morality of telling her younger sister to keep it a secret. After all, asking her younger sister to keep it a secret sends a mixed message. On the one hand, she wants to send the message that being gay is okay and normal, but on the other--if she asks her little sister to keep it a secret--she is sending the message that it is something shameful that needs to be hidden. This is a moral decision that your daughter has to make, and one that you should consider as well.

    I hope this helps. Feel free to ask more questions. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Undrstandingmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    birmingham
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Aldrick Thank you so much for your advice!!! I never even begin to think that my 8 year old isn't going to have all the question I had! Your so right she is only 8, her question will be minimal I'm sure. My oldest daughter has decided against us telling her baby sister right now. I think she is just so scared that their relationship would change. It is her decision on who to share this intimate part of her life with, so I won't push her. She will let the world know who she is when she is ready. Until then all I can do as her mother is try to learn ways to teach her to protect herself. After she told me she was gay, I had to tell my husband (she wanted me to tell him, she didn't want to) we were talking that night and I was crying, and my husband said why are you crying she is still the same person and there's a upside to this. We never have to worry about her getting pregnant as a teen. He's always found the silver lining in the clouds.


    As far as Lesbian sex, dear lord. I am truly clueless! I never imagined in my entire life I would have to have this conversation with anyone, but you are so very correct I need to learn so I can teach my child to protect herself. There has to be a book out there somewhere for parents of lesbians that need to be knowledgeable about these things so we can teach our children to be safe. I will start my search immediately so I can have a very informed conversation with her.


    All I really want out of life are for my children to be healthy & happy. I have several friends that are gay that I confide in and talk to on ways to help her. Her father is so nonchalant about it all. When I told him she had a girlfriend, his reply was "Okay, I mean we knew eventually this would happen, you think about things way too much just be happy for her." Oh how I wish I could put all the worry out of my mind and just be happy for her. But as her mother I will always worry regardless of who she chooses to love.

    Even though my oldest daughter doesn't want my youngest daughter to know she is gay yet, I am taking your advice and having a conversation with my youngest daughter about relationships and families. I never want her to feel that it's not natural, or that it's wrong.
    Thank you again for great advice & easing this worried mothers mind!
     
    #5 Undrstandingmom, May 16, 2015
    Last edited: May 16, 2015
  6. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    I don't know how conservative you lean, but I have a great series of books for my kids. The young one is called It's not the Stork and there is one for 7-10 year olds I just got for my son. They are puberty/how babies are made books that are very scientifically accurate but age appropriate. They do mention topics like masterbation which some folks on Amazon reviews got upset about, but I'd much rather my kids do that than have sex too early. Any way, they also introduce other families like gay/lesbian couples, adoption, etc. might be something to look into. Just be aware, it uses real words for all the body parts. I found having a book made me far less uncomfortable having frank discussions in the beginning.
     
  7. Undrstandingmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    birmingham
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Oh that would be wonderful. I will have to look into getting these books. I have always been straight forward with my girls on using the accurate names of their body parts. I never personally understood why the cutesy names for those parts. I didn't want them to be confused on any level when accurate names were used. Thank you again