I finally know what is wrong

My daughter has suffered from anxiety, depression and mood swings from a young age. Has a hard time associating with people and only has one close local friend and several online. She has made others but ends up dropping them or them her when difficulties arise. #1 being that she hates it when people are mean/judgemental/rude to others not like themselves. And teenage girls... well it doesn't work out.

I love this child. She is genuinely a nice person. Stands up for others and has no problem voicing anything. She grew up wearing tutu's and fairy wings. Pink sparkly pants and cute dresses but as she got older she migrated to more boy style clothes. Puberty came and she liked pretty bras at first and then it started to change. For the past few years I knew something was going on but wasn't sure what. She stopped swimming in our pool. Changed her clothing preferences. She bought a binder with her own money over a year ago and said it was for cosplay but she wears it almost all the time. When we go shopping we inevitably end up in the men's section and always hope to find things there to fit as she is small in stature. Though she'll still pick out women's stuff from time to time. she loves makeup and hair and girly grandma type things such as flowery bedding. I used to tease her, "let's go find a new grandpa shirt and then check out some doilies for your room." We'd laugh and have a good time.

A few nights ago she came out as trans to me. While scary it is kind of a relief in a sense that: okay. Now I know what has been wrong. So now my daughter wants to be referred to as my son.

My son. It sounds so strange and it is going to be extremely hard for this transition as I am sure it is for everyone/family who goes through this. I am phoning my insurance on Monday to see about therapy coverage and if they cover any transgender operations. He has expressed a desire to have breasts removed and to start hormone therapy. I insist on him talking to someone and working things out first because right now he isn't sure where he is. He knows he doesn't want to be referred to as a girl anymore but is confused because while uncomfortable with his body and knows he feels like a boy, he says he still loves makeup and some girl things. We talked this morning on the way to his work and I stated that maybe he is an in between kinda place and maybe we just shouldn't label.

He definitely wants breast removal but doesn't want a sex change in any foreseeable future. Wants to start hormone therapy to rearrange the fat on his body but isn't to keen on the hair thing happening. See where we are at? Which is why I don't want to do anything until he talks to someone.

He has talked to the child youth worker at his high school for the past few years and she knows what is going on. Whenever I seen her and asked how "she" was doing she would just shrug and say not so well. I have since found out that she has taken him to some local LGBT things going on at the university. I must remember to go to the school and thank her for being there. Very thankful that he has had her to confide in. Also, the one person in the world who he is friends with that has maintained has come out as transgendered too.

He says that he likes men and is not into girls, which I thought might have been the case when I was wondering what was going on initially. To which I replied.. relationships how will this work? he doesn't know but hopes that someone can accept him for who he is. Being such an amazing person.. anyone would be lucky to have him as a BF. But I am supposed to think that I guess.

It's up to me to tell my husband (stepdad) and we are nervous. As with grandparents etc. I just don't know how to start the conversation .. I guess tonight if I am up when he gets home from work I'll just dive in. The problem is this. He has always seen our son as a bit of a drama queen, playing on the poor me etc. BUT he also acknowledges what a great kid he is etc. and does care for him. He has been raising our son with me for the past 10 years (child is 16). We have another son who is 7 and I don't even know how to go about telling him. I guess once husband is told and has come to accept it. Maybe some family counselling if need be then bring in the young one.

Our son wants us to help with a new name. Doesn't want to keep old name because of it's girl association. Asked me if he should keep it as a second name because I had named him and he doesn't want to hurt me. Has been stating for years the desire to change name but we always assumed it was last name to match the rest of ours as he has his biological dads last name who is in the picture but not really. And he would have to go to him for paper signing to legally change until he turns 18. Why over all of this is the name thing one of the hardest things to let go of?

Scared for his future and hoping for acceptance with little resistance from family. But I'll tell you. It was a changed person I dropped off at work this morning. Happy wise. I can tell there is something taken off of his shoulders. I'm happy and proud that he was able to tell me what has been going on.

Sorry so long. Could use any advice anyone can give. In the meantime I am going to read the boards.

 

Thank you all for your responses. We still haven't told anyone else but we have an appointment with our family doctor tomorrow. I don't know if I mentioned it earlier but he had been to the doc before unbeknown to me and had talked about this with him. The dr. said that he had experience dealing with these issues so here's to hoping for a good appointment tomorrow. Still haven't had much time with my husband to talk to him due to work schedules.

My son has been able to meet some online friends who are dealing with the same issues which is why I think he felt up to telling me. I think seeing people going through transition and being open about himself in person has helped.

Thank you for the kind words. I am trying my best and trying very hard not to say the wrong things. I feel guilty saying "she" in front of everyone right now but until we do the whole coming out I can't very well say anything else. Plus it is habit but I can see him cringe a bit. It'll be okay though.