My 17 year old son just told us he is bi, to which I have no issues. My concerns, however, are in other areas. How do I tell his grandparents, (one of which I am not sure how will take it). How do I help him cope when he comes out to others (including friends) and is rejected? What do I need to do as a parent? I have already told him that it does not change who he is, nor how much I love him. And so has his step-father. However, there are so many questions that I have now, and I do not know how to ask. Is this the reason he has been angry with life in general over the last year? Is this why he has acted out to us? What can I do to help him? I know this is completely his choice, which is why I easily accepted it, but how will I react when I see him with another boy? I am scared that even though I accept it, that it may bother me when that time comes, and I do not want to hurt our son. I am unsure where to go to get assistance with these concerns. I would rather have the help from someone that has actually went through it and understands or can at least guide me in the right direction. This was truly a shock, but a few days prior to being told I had a suspicions after seeing a post on his social page. That gave me some idea, but I still did not see it coming. I just want to be there and help him if/when problems arise.
Hey well you've come to a great place for advice. There are other threads here made by parents who were in similar situations, and I'm sure reading through them will also help you. But onto your questions: "How do I tell his grandparents?" - Don't. It's up to him to make that decision, it's his life. You can talk to him about this, ask him what he's planning to do, but don't make any decisions here without your sons input. "How do I help him cope when he comes out to others (including friends) and is rejected?" - First off, I'd say the chance of him being rejected today is far below the chance it was even 5 years ago. Unless his friends are extremely religious the chances of him being rejected are really low I'd say. Saying that, if it did happen, there's not much you can really do about it, and it's something he'll have to come to terms with more or less by himself. As long as you show him you still love him, and you'll always be there for him, then he will eventually get over whatever friends he might lose. "What do I need to do as a parent?" - Like I said above, show him you love him and it doesn't change anything, and that he can always come to you and trust you. Don't make any sort of implication that you think it might be a phase or that it's a choice. Another thing is he might not bring it up again, and either will you as you might be waiting for him to bring it up. When that happens people tend to think their parents are "ignoring" it or "pretending it never happened", so very occasionally you could bring up something positive about LGBT news or ask him if he likes anyone. He wont tell you of course, he's a teenage boy and you're his mum, but it will at least show him you're not "ignoring" it. He will definitely notice you doing it, even if you think he isn't. "Is this the reason he has been angry with life in general over the last year? Is this why he has acted out to us? What can I do to help him?" - There's a high chance this contributed to it a lot. But this is complex, it could be a range of things like stress over school, stress involving friends, and just the normal mood swings of being a teenager. So basically, I don't think anyone apart from your son can answer this. To start helping with his anger problems you could just try asking him if this is what has been bothering him this past year. If it was then there's a chance he'll be less angry in the future. "How will I react when I see him with another boy?" - Well you should instead ask yourself, how will you react when you see him happy? If you see him with another boy then it most likely means he trusts you enough and is comfortable enough around you for you to know. At the end of all this, you shouldn't worry too much about being upset. There's a grieving process involved with coming out and you can't really change the way you feel, and you sound like you really love your son. As long as you love and support him then everything should be fine.
Clay, Thank you for your input. I am happy he is happy. He actually talked to his boyfriend on the phone in front of me the other day. That did not bother me in the least. I think I am more scared that something may bother me as it is not something I have dealt with. My concern is my own reaction hurting my son. I do not think that it will bother me, but the fear that it might is what concerns me the most. I had no intentions of telling his grandparents, but as he was concerned to tell his stepfather and asked me to, I was just seeking advice if this should occur. Thank you very much. Having some feedback has helped me a lot, and eased some concerns. I looked online for PFLAG location in my area, but it is two miles away. At this time, my only support is online so I am seeking whatever advice and feedback I can get in that form. I do appreciate it. He has been closed and quiet towards nearly everyone in our family for quite some time, and talking with him always seems to end up in a bad way. I am hoping this will help him open up more and I can gain my child back instead of the walking Hulk.
Ah well the fact he has a boyfriend and even spoke to him on the phone in front of you already speaks volumes about how comfortable he is around you, and how much more relaxed his generation is about same-sex relationships. Also you said you worry that your reaction might hurt your son, which shows that you're thinking about him front and center. If that's the case then you probably don't have much to worry about. You obviously care about not hurting him, so chances are you wont even if it does bother you. And like I said, you should instead ask yourself how you'd react when you see him happy. One thing I should add, while I'm not saying this is the case here, is sometimes people come out as bi before they come out as gay. It happens due to a huge variety of reasons. Anyway there is a small chance that your son might come out as gay at a later date, so in general it'd be best to avoid any sort of statements or implications that you're glad he's at least bi rather than completely gay. But I must stress I'm not saying it's the case here, you should believe your son when he tells you he's bi, just be prepared that there is a small chance he could come out as gay at a later date. Also, even though it might not feel like it, you sound like you're doing completely fine so far. Your son is lucky to have a mother like you.
Clay has already offered some good advice and I would certainly get in touch with PFLAG. Have a look at the information on our resources page: Empty Closets - Coming Out There are quite a few books for parents of LGBT children. A book you may wish to consider reading is Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays talk about their experiences. It's available on Amazon. If you need any more help, support or advice come back here. We try to respond as soon as we can.
