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Helping 13 year old gay daughter

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Teresa73, Jun 3, 2015.

  1. Teresa73

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    Hi everyone, I'm Teresa and brand spanking new here. So forgive me while I learn my way around the forums and I am new to being a parent of a gay daughter who is 13, so forgive anything if it comes across as naive or old fashioned as I learn how to support her on her journey.

    For starters, my daughter (age 13) recently told me she is gay and that she is also (I forget the word) trans gender or fluid gender? She had her long hair cut short in a pixie cut or emo male kind of cut. She met a girl online who is 14 and fell madly in love (crush) with her. This nice girl lives in Australia while we live in America.

    My daughter also feels she does not look pretty as a girl but that she looks better dressed in boy clothes. Yet she also just said she has started liking pastels and *thinks* Anime Pastels or Kuwaii things I think she called them. Cute girly stuff basically. I personally feel she is in the stage where she is exploring everything, does she want to dress grunge or boyish, does she want to dress cute and girly, is she gay or bi, etc.

    I also feel she has low self esteem, is very shy and quiet and from what she told me she has found girls prettier, nicer and more attractive emotionally and physically since 3rd grade. But she also has had a crush or two on boys and been ignored or dissed by the boys for 'cuter' and 'thinner' more 'perfect' looking girls.

    So much to take in, not on the being gay part but the whole growing up and dealing with stress, anxiety, hurt feelings, anti social part of what she is struggling with. She did use to be a very unhappy (but tried to hide it) kind of kid, and now since she has officially came out to me - and found that I am accepting of it, PLUS met this girl online - she has just been a lot happier. To me, she has always seemed to feel very alone and sad because of not having any friends or anyone to connect with. So I am happy that she is happier now.

    However, while I did the typical experiement with girls in my youth stage - I was not fully bi and didn't live a gay lifestyle. So I have no clue at all how to help her out or if I should try to aim her in any certain direction at this stage of her life. My mother wants me to try to 'fight' the gay in her by buying her more girly clothers, not letting her date the girl she so adores online and by telling her how hard a gay woman's life can be.

    I just want to let her explore on her own, be herself and hope that she knows even at 13 the best choices that feels inside of her own heart and soul and let her decide on her own if she is actually gay or if she isn't, then time will teach her if she's gay, bi or straight (not me or her grandma).

    Anyway, sorry if I ramble in this post.

    Question 1. I would like to find her books to read that are non sexual but meant for gay young girls. She asked me why she can't find any books to read where the young teens in them are not always boys and girls falling in love, or being the heros but are a gay girl or two lesbian girls who are a couple. So maybe somebody knows of some good 'gay girl' books for a 13 year old to read? :confused: Nothing with adult content like sex, however kissing and non graphic sexual romance is ok though.

    Question 2. I ask her if I am handling this all right for her, and she tells me I am doing great with it (her coming out) but at the same time I also want to educate her about her lifestyle in a way that won't seem like I'm bashing gays but just wanting to keep her educated and safe no matter if she dates a girl or a boy! So, are there any web sites or good books for young lesbians (do I refer to her as gay or a lesbian?) to read and learn how to avoid the 'bad people' who are found in every lifestyle. I can't get give her a book on dating boys because it just doesn't fit now.

    My mom is upset saying my daughter is young and some (please PLEASE forgive this part as she is old and she is just scared for her little grand daughter) older butch bull d---- will get a hold of her, hurt her, use her, mislead her, and might abuse/beat her when she starts dating in person. I guess I am looking on how to word to my daughter what a lesbian who is a jerk might try (the same way I would warn her on what a jerky guy would try who just wants to get in her pants or use her). Only I do not know how a woman tries this, I only know how boys tried it.

    So, maybe I am asking on how to warn her about the dating scene in a lesbian world? Or is it just the same as if she were dating boys? o.o I am so confused lol sorry. As if raising moody straight teens wasn't hard enough, now I feel like someone just tossed me a curve ball and everything I studied for went out the window and now I have to cram for a test on how to educate my girl on a whole new subject. And it's one I am clueless about.

    Then toss in that she said she is gay but also fluid gender which in her words, she said sometimes she feels and dresses like a boy and sometimes she feels and dresses more like a girl. In my day, we just called that a girl who was a tom boy. Is that basically what she is saying or is it something totally different?
     
  2. resu

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    Welcome Teresa, and it's good you are supportive of your daughter as she navigates through a new stage in her life. As long as she is moving forward, that should be enough.

    Your daughter may be "genderfluid" (a mix of both gender identities), but that is kind of a vague term. Tomboy is a pretty close analogy, in my opinion. Transgender is a more specific term meaning the opposite gender of the biological sex (female body, male "mind"). It's a good idea to ask her directly what labels she would prefer (gay and lesbian are usually interchangeable, but some people prefer only one term).

    I think one thing you could do for your daughter is to look for any GSA (gay-straight alliance) clubs in her school or other LGBT groups geared toward teenagers. There are also PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays) groups in most cities that are geared toward people like you.

    As for relationships and dating, all you can do is just focus on the universal basics. There are bad people of every gender and orientation, but they do have commonalities like a disrespect for personal space or other mental/emotional problems. As long as you teach your daughter to have a high expectations on how someone should treat her, you will be able to steer her toward positive relationships no matter who she decides to date.

    I don't have experience with LGBT-oriented teen books, but you might check this out:
    An Alternative School Reading List: Here Is Every YA Novel With Lesbians - AfterEllen
     
  3. paris

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  4. guitar

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    I don't really have much experience being a gay teen girl :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    But I can say that just you being here with a positive attitude and an open mind will do wonders for your daughter. She shows an incredible amount of emotional intelligence at her age and seems to have a great sense of maturity about her sexuality. At her age, I think most of us really didn't even know what gay was, nevermind terms like genderfluid and all the rest of it.

    I think it's great that she wants to engage with LGBT media - particularly books. I really don't have any insight into what she could read. I would just be cautious that she doesn't get too wrapped up in gay media. It's possible to seclude yourself in LGBT culture and forget about the rest of the world going on. You want her interests and knowledge-base to be broad. I have friends who are gamers and they know very little outside of gaming, so it's much the same thing.

    Other than that, continue to encourage her, learn what you can about what it is to be a gender-fluid LGBT teen in 2015, and support her. Everyone needs their chances to grow, learn, try new things, and make mistakes. She already seems like she's well on her way and lucky to have such a supportive mom. Hang in there, you're doing great! :slight_smile:
     
  5. heandsheisme

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    The first and biggest thing is to keep supporting her. As long as you do that things will be easier for her than it might otherwise be. You are an awesome parent and I am jealous, I wish my parents were that awesome...

    But back on topic, I agree with guitar that while LGBT media is important, make sure that she has hobbies outside of it. Might I suggest Magic: The Gathering. Easy to get into, she will make more friends, make mental math trivial, maybe get a job out of meeting people who play, I know a couple friends who did that.

    Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person, I wish you both the best!
     
  6. Oh Lilac

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  7. Aldrick

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    Trust your instincts. They are leading you in the right direction. The truth is that only your daughter can make these decisions, because she is the only one who knows how she feels. It's not about guiding her this way or that way, but rather encouraging her to be honest with you and to live an authentic life. Her being honest with you then allows you to guide her based on the decisions she is making. Guiding her away from being authentic, will just lead her to hide things from you, and will lead to her feeling ashamed of herself and her sexuality.

    Besides. She is what she is. No one can guide her toward being straight, gay, or bisexual. Wherever she ends up on the sexuality spectrum is where she was always going to end up. The only thing that changes is how difficult is to get there and embrace that truth. The only alternative is that you learn to hate yourself and be ashamed, and unfortunately she is going to receive plenty of that from the wider world. This is why your love, support, and strength are critical to her development. It's all about her becoming the person she feels that she needs to be, and having the courage to hold her head high. That is what will serve any child, gay or straight, the best in life.

    The truth of the matter is you don't have to worry about any of that at the moment. Right now, she is dating a girl on an entirely different continent on the other side of the world. Unless one of them magically gains the ability to fly, or learns to swim across oceans, there isn't much going to happen at the moment.

    Your primary concern should be over sending nude pictures or videos over the internet. Mostly, because you don't want her to run into any legal trouble. This is a conversation that you have to have with every teenager nowadays, regardless of their sexual orientation. Of course, you don't want to frame this conversation in an accusatory manner, since as far as you know she hasn't engaged in such activity, and may not even have the desire too. You do, however, want to talk about peer pressure and the normal desire to want to be sexual with someone, and how technology isn't really her friend in that regard--especially at her age.

    As for fear of an abusive relationship. It's true that any relationship can be abusive, gay or straight, but I'd wager your daughter is safer in a relationship with another woman than with a man. The same rules apply as for heterosexual relationships. It's about learning to set boundaries, understanding what she is comfortable with, learning to be comfortable saying no as well as yes. It's about her learning to be confident in herself, what she wants, her decisions, and knowing that she always has you to turn to for advice, love, and support. This way if she ever does end up in a bad situation, she has someone to turn to for help. This way she doesn't have to feel ashamed about finding herself in a bad situation, because she knows she won't be judged for it.

    The truth of the matter is, right now, you have it pretty easy. She could be in a relationship with a guy who goes to school with her. He could be pressuring her into having sex, and she could be at the risk of getting pregnant as a result. Instead, she is in a relationship with another girl on an entirely different continent, and even if they were close together, she is at less of a risk of getting an STD and at zero risk of getting pregnant. Sure, it comes with some downsides, but from a parental perspective you are dodging some bullets. Perspective is important here, because while you may be dealing with unique issues as a parent that other parents aren't, it doesn't mean that other parents aren't dealing with potentially even more difficult problems than yourself. The teenage years are always the hardest, because that's when we all learn to figure out who we are and make lots of mistakes in the process. I'm sure we all have stories of things we did as teenagers that we look back on, and wonder what the hell we were thinking at the time. Your daughter will have those moments. Your goal is to try and make sure that those moments don't do any lasting damage, while at the same time giving her enough room to make some mistakes so she is prepared for adulthood. It's a difficult balance.

    Where you want to end up, is with your daughter being confident in who she is, how she feels, and leading a life that is true to that person. You want her to know that she can turn to you at any time, now or at any point in the future, for love and non-judgmental support. You can't prepare her for everything, she is going to make mistakes like we all did, but you can try and soften the blow of some of those mistakes and advise her to the best of your ability when you see disaster lurking up ahead. That comes down to building a good and solid relationship with your daughter.
     
  8. Invidia

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    You sound like an awesome mom. I have only one little practical thing to add.
    You said she identified as trans* though you don't remember the term she used, which is okay of course (a little cute actually :slight_smile: ).
    But you could ask her about that too, ask her to explain her feelings. That way, future expressions might not confuse you.
    Also, if you would ask her whether she is comfortable with being called 'she' and your daughter, rather than perhaps neutral words like 'they' and child, you might do her a major service - otherwise she might be completely okay with she and daughter, but asking her would be doing her a favor.
    I understand that might be hard! She's your little love right? :slight_smile: I just know if my mom would have been better with this it would have saved me a lot of pain.

    Good luck!
     
  9. kaotyc

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    Awesome mom, first of all!

    Second of all, I would say just be supportive. Give her the talk like you normally would. When I went through my "bi girl" phase, my mother told me this story which I will share with you:

    My mother was working at one of those Treasure Island stores (those stores that sell little trinkets and stuff). And she worked with a very feminine lesbian. One day, the lady didn't come in to work. The next day, she came in and she was all black and blue. Had a black eye, bruises all over. My mother asked her what happened. The lady told her that her girlfriend was abusive and they got into a fight.

    You can be supportive, but also tell her the dangers. A woman can abuse another woman just as much as a guy can abuse a woman. Explain to her the risks of relationships as if she was straight. And lay down rules.

    Sleepovers, have them sleep in the living room. Or door-open policy.

    As for the sexuality, she could be bigender or genderfluid. Do some research on it. Also, she seems just as confused as you, so help her through her journey. I'm 24 and I only just realized my gender identity (bigender) a few months ago. So it is really a confusing thing.
     
  10. Invidia

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    You can do research, yes, but also ask her :slight_smile:
     
  11. wolf of fire

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    My first piece of advice: get her on here, we don't bite (or another similar site if she doesn't want to be on the same LGBT site as her Mum) it would be easier, if you or her feel she needs it, to give her help and advice directly as opposed to through you.
    Anyway the others really covered it: just talk to her, make her feel she can talk to you and trust you and yeah have the "internet talk" with her.
     
  12. kaotyc

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    Yes! I meant gender identity. I was about to write something else then changed my mind and forgot to change the sexuality part. Thanks for correcting that!
     
  13. Bi in MD

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    Great question on why she cant find the books.
    so here is what I would do. Support her however you can with her sexuality, its not going to change so all you can do is just love her and accept it as it is.
    Next, have her start a diary, then get her to follow a path through school that will lead her to a career of writing.
    She can then write books on the subject matter in such a way that they might help others that are going through what she is, and at the same time maybe even open up discussions that might make acceptance a bit more open.
    Use it for the good.
     
  14. HarmfulLoverX

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    so your daughter likes pastels at times as in "girly stuff" and likes boyish clothing
    have you ever considered her binary gender? it's awesome that she is a lesbian and that you love her no matter what
    but in my opinion that's what I think your daughter might be c:
    if only my parents were accepting as you are which they aren't :c
    you should consider taking her to pride parades/festivals to get more info from other people ^0^
    kudos and xoxo to you!!!~
    Love, Cait ^-^
     
  15. ThePrideInside4

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    Okay...so... you sound a LOT like my mom! She isn't very familiar with this stuff, but I am. I relate to your daughter a lot. But maybe your daughter wants to be a boy, or identifies with being male. You should ask her what gender term she identifies with. But don't pressure her. And if she says male, she might want to be called a he or your son. Now, I'm a transgender boy, I'm 14, and I am in the same position as her ( except I do not like girls ). I think you should take some time to learn more about the transgender community, maybe share some facts with her. And it'll take some time, but right now it seems like she needs acceptance and support. Instead of buying her dresses or girly things, maybe buy her things that make her feel happy and comfortable. My mom buys me girly things and makes me wear them, and it is NOT comfortable. It just feels awkward and not like myself.

    But if she is genderfluid, you should respect that. Not everyone is going to be male or female. She might choose which gender she feels comfortable in, or she might decide to stay both genders, and that's okay.

    Here are some links that might help:

    10 Things You're Actually Saying When You Ignore Someone's Gender Pronouns

    Transgender - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    Answers to your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression

    Ten Tips for Parents of a Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender Child

    Frequently Asked Questions about Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender Children - PFLAG NYC