Allys not feeling welcome

1. Yes. Even being FTM, I've felt really unwelcome in a number of groups, even groups geared for FTM men (because they catered to straight men). Another group didn't really do anything except play Cards Against Humanity and they were ALWAYS talking crap about male-identified people and allies...even though a number of members were one or both.

2. Not really. I don't go back to groups where I don't feel welcome. Even if Cards Against Humanity is involved.

3. Usually. I've been in groups with a healthy mix of both allies and LGBT people. One of the best groups I was in was a support group for trans people but they were very inclusive of allies and family members (which helped allies understand where the trans members were coming from and family members to come around). I find when groups are a little less exclusionary of members, we generally have a better time with them.

4. Don't throw them out if they're not LGBT identified and encourage an atmosphere that fosters group conversation and mutual tolerance.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't even feel bad. I would feel enraged.

It is important for allies to feel welcome, but it is also important for allies to realize their role. One of the most important roles for an ally is to create space and opportunity. What greater purpose was this "ally" serving? Certainly, it was not to the benefit of the community she was allegedly working to help. She was denying young queer people an opportunity to meet with other members of their own community--she was playing the role of gatekeeper, and slamming the door in not only your face but the faces of the students she allegedly represents.

Frankly, this is just mindbogglingly ridiculous.

A good ally is going to...

1. Listen more than they speak. If you are not listening, you are not learning, and if you are not learning you cannot hope to understand people who have experiences different from your own.

2. Do your best to understand the oppression faced, even when you don't experience it yourself.

3. As you grow in understanding, look for ways in your life, words, and deeds that you can minimize your own oppression of the community. Challenge yourself to grow beyond your own cultural understanding and limitations.

4. Realize that you are supporting a group of people, not leading them, nor are you saving them. You are not some white knight riding in on a horse that is going to make everything better, or are going to lead the movement to greatness.

5. Your primary goal is to create opportunity for members of the community to assert themselves and their own power. You are trying to create space and opportunity through the use of your privilege. There may be times when you find yourself out front, but when you are out there you should be using your voice to amplify the voices of others from within the community itself.

This is what a good ally looks like, and this person failed the test.

This is how a good ally handles this situation: "Hey, it's great that you want to meet with the GSA but are allies invited? We have lots of allies in the GSA, and of course some of our "straight" members might actually still be in the closet. The GSA helps them find support while maintaining some cover, and whats more I think it might be helpful and educational for allies to be involved. If allies are being excluded is there any particular reason?" <Receives response.> "Alright. I will run it by the group, see what they have to say on the matter, and then get back to you."

Said ally then runs it by the group, relaying all the appropriate information. The group makes the decision, and then the ally returns with a response.

This is how this situation is handled. Not by playing some godlike gatekeeper, that denies the community the ability to coordinate and meet each other.

 

I'm leaning to agreeing with Aldrick on this. The problem here was not with you, it was with this 'ally'. Because...

1) Going into screaming hysterics (metaphorically or literally) because someone innocently happens to not use the exact verbiage you want to hear is not a useful or productive response. Until and unless you can determine otherwise, assuming that any such issue is a possible misunderstanding and trying to gain clarification is the best course of action. This person failed on both counts.

2) It's not about her, it's about the group. As Aldrick says she seems to have set herself up as the gatekeeper for what this GSA membership can and can't do and can and can't know about. And that is vastly overstepping her remit as well as failing to properly serve the membership.

My 2c worth,

Todd

 

Not by an LGBT+ or ally group. But I don't join in many groups.

Mostly because LGBT+ people care more about LGBT+ issues than others, because it effects their lives more.

I don't have an good, simple answer for that.

However, LGBT+ and allys groups should exist primarily for the needs of the LGBT+ people. Straight allys need to keep in mind that it's not (primarily) about them.

You're spot on as usual, Aldrick.

 

Isn't ally used for closeted LGBT people? Anyway,
1) never been to one.
3) Probably because most straight people don't really consider it that much.
4) I can't think of anything simple, but by focusing on LGBT+ people and making educating allies there could be less of a divide between LGBT and not, which would also make allies more accepted in LGBT spaces.
It should really focus of LGBT people though.

 

What Aldrick said was spot on. Totally agree.

I would like to add an anecdote where I felt uncomfortable in an LGBT+ space though. My college had a LGBT+ club called Unity. There was one meeting where one of the leaders of the group said he was annoyed by straight people and wanted his "gay time", so the club had a discussion about whether or not gay people should be allowed in the club. That was the biggest load of bulls**t I'd ever heard. Not only does it push away our allies, but closeted LGBT+ members as well. I was completely in the closet at this point and very unwilling to come out. Actually at this point, I was so far in the closet that my plan was to never come out or be in a relationship. Luckily everyone else in the group was equally outraged, but I couldn't believe that discussion was happening in the first place.