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My 11 year old sister came out as bi- help?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by DreamerBoy17, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. DreamerBoy17

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    Just tonight she told me she was and I was immediately confused and doubtful. I thought if this type of thing was to come up, I'd be accepting, but instead I just feel strange. I think she's just going through a phase.
    My reasoning:
    -she has a "crush" on her best friend
    -she told me she has known for two months
    -barely reacted when I told her gay marriage was legal- who does that?!
    -I hate to say it, but she's attention seeking

    Also, she's emo and I know a lot of emo kids like to do that to add drama to their lives. Surprisingly, she said she accepted herself quickly, and was surprised when I mentioned I hated myself for months...
    I really hope I'm not sounding ignorant or jealous of her. I just don't think this is her. I didn't openly say anything like this, but I told her to not be in a rush to label herself.

    Anyhow, what do you guys think? I'm kind of confused on how to handle this. Is it possible she's actually bisexual?
     
  2. LesbianThrasher

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    It's possible that she's not. I know how emos are always seeking attention 'cause I also had a little sister who was emo and they're all about getting attention. Your sister is also 11 and I kind of doubt that she knows what having a crush is actually like and the feelings that go with it too.
    Also, I don't think barely reacting to hearing gay marriage being legal is really an indicator if she's actually bi or not. If it was, then I guess I might not be a lesbian after all.

    I say, just go along with it and maybe you might eventually find out later on or have an in-depth discussion on it and see how she actually feels and how she came to this conclusion.
     
  3. galaxygia

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    1: Just wait and see what happens. If it's really a phase then she'll acknowledge her mistake eventually and probably tell you that it was. Be accepting and just listen to her.
    2: About the crush- I'm not sure about that but just wait and see.
    3: A lot of people in the closet probably barely react to marriage equality because they don't want to out themselves accidentally. (I did the same thing when my mom told me, even though I was partying inside)
     
  4. loveislove01

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    Well, there's a possibility that it is because she's confused and/or attention seeking, but I think it could be true.

    I disagree that it's not a "real" crush at eleven. Personally, my real-est crush was at age ten and lasted almost three years, even though I didn't tell him...

    I think you should just give it time, and see if it's a phase or not.
    Knowing for two months, well then it is sort of doubtful since he's just trying to figure herself out and may not completely know/be playing around with labels. But as time passes, confront her again and see if she still feels that way.
    I barely reacted in the eyes of most people to the news of gay marriage. As I was closeted, it wasn't easy. Maybe she felt similarly. Didn't want to show excitement, so she barely reacted visibly.
    Attention seeking, well, that's possible. I think you should just give it time though, that's all.

    Also, some people don't struggle with themselves as much as others. Personally, I HATED myself. My girlfriend didn't care at all, she was only nervous I wouldn't like her back.
    And I know other people with very different ways of accepting themselves. It could've been easier for her.
     
  5. Aldrick

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    I'm really disappointed. As a lesbian, I would have hoped that you would have handled this situation better.

    Nothing you wrote even remotely matters. The simple fact is you cannot crawl into someone else's head and know their true motivations and feelings, and half the time most people don't even demonstrate enough self-awareness to know how to articulate it to themselves let alone to other people. It is not your place to question your sister's motivations or intentions. It is your place to simply accept what she is telling you is true, because that is all you can do.

    Now, I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, or that you aren't allowed to have doubts. You can't avoid your feelings or your doubts. However, you should never express those to your sister, and I sincerely hope that you did not. In fact, if you create a climate in which it is acceptable to think about and judge people on whether or not they are being truthful about their sexual orientation--that it is just a phase, or they are attention seeking--that will be used against you as well. There are people out there who would claim that you are not really a lesbian, that you are just pretending to be a lesbian to attract the attention of boys. That is the culture and climate that you are helping create--a climate in which your own experiences and feelings are de-legitimized by others.

    Of course, if your sister at some later date decides that she is really a heterosexual, then yes--you need to have a conversation with her about how damaging it is to pick up labels like that. How falsely identifying as bisexual hurt legitimate bisexual people, and why what she did was wrong--assuming that she isn't going through some normal teenage questioning phase that some teens go through. Sexuality is rarely completely black and white for a lot of people. However, the labels we choose are important, and jumping back and forth is problematic, because it does real and legitimate harm to people who really are bisexual.

    I hope that you consider my words carefully, and consider the implications of your actions and thoughts. What you think may be true does not matter, because there is only one person who knows that truth, and she is telling it to you. You have no choice but to accept it as truth until she confirms to you otherwise.
     
  6. DreamerBoy17

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    I would never voice my doubts to her face. I know how harmful that could be to a person, especially someone who probably looks up to me. I simply told her that she should not be in a rush to label herself. I care about her. No matter my doubts, I will always support her and be there for her. At the same time, as her older sister, I have known her since she was a baby. We are fundamentally different people. Therefore, I believe my doubts are reasonable. But I love her. And her well being will always come before my inner uncertainties. I didn't mean to come off as uncaring or judgemental, but I'm afraid that's how it might have seemed. Your advice is appreciated.
     
  7. Aldrick

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    EmOfSuburbia -

    It's okay. (*hug*)

    You cannot help having doubts. As long as you are showing your support, and not actively doubting or dismissing her feelings then you're doing the right thing. My primary concern was that you had actually voiced those doubts to her, and we both know how hurtful it can be to have people dismiss your feelings as not being legitimate, as if they somehow know better than we do.

    You gave your sister good advice about not being in a rush to label herself. What you want to tell her, and this is true for all of us, is that she should strive to be authentic and true to herself. If she is bisexual she will remain bisexual as she grows older. If she is heterosexual, then she will start to identify that way. If she is a lesbian, then she will start to identify that way. So long as she is staying true to herself then she'll eventually end up where she needs to be.
     
  8. Latia

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    I know what you mean. I have a lot of friends who are "emo" and they seem to think it's "cool" to be bisexual, so it is definitely possible that she isn't really bi.

    That being said, it is still also possible that she's telling the truth. I have always been one of those kids who enjoyed being different, and sometimes went out of my way to prove I was different, so I am very afraid of coming out to my sister. I worry that she, like you, may assume that I'm not REALLY what I say I am, and I wouldn't blame her. But even though things like sexuality can be very confusing, sometimes you just know.

    As long as you support your sister, it should work out fine. Even though she may not really be bi, I wouldn't recommend calling her out on it or anything, because as she matures she will realize how ridiculous it is to pretend to be bisexual (if she really is faking it). And if she's telling the truth, maybe in time this will become more evident.
     
  9. Invidia

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    Remember also that sexuality can be fluid for some people. It's not impossible for me to be almost entirely straight or lesbian (in terms of sexual attraction) in one day.

    Similarly, her feelings might change.

    But I do think that the "just a phase" attitude isn't helpful for you or for her.
    It's better to give her support and let her know that she can be open and let her know she's safe in her home talking about it.
    If she later says she's straight, that's fine. If she later says she's lesbian, that's fine. If she continues to identify as bi, that's fine.

    Take it day by day, and ask yourself why you are having these thoughts about her coming out to you.

    I never experienced much self-hatred over my LGBT status, and hell, I'm trans! I do in general, but not for that. Her journey may be different from yours but that doesn't make it less legitimate.

    I am a bit harsh. I just think that challenging these nagging thoughts of yours is a good idea.

    all the best
     
    #9 Invidia, Jul 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2015
  10. bubbles123

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    I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to think it may not be real. I think the best thing to do is not to let her know you doubt her though. If you do this (and she isn't actually bi) she'll probably overcompensate and try to prove more to you and herself that she is. It's like if you don't show too much interest or confusion, it won't encourage her more if she is using it for attention. Plus, she's got plenty of time to figure things out. If she thinks she's bi and isn't, that will become clearer to her in time and really only she can figure that out. Someone else telling her won't help her. Maybe down the road she'll date a girl or something and realize it's not for her, or maybe she will. Who knows?
    I say just let her ride it out herself, yet maybe encourage her not to label herself right away if you can. Hope this helps
     
  11. Fallingdown7

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    Almost nobody is completely straight or gay (I know I say I'm 100% gay but I'm in the vast minority of all of society) and sexuality can be a fluid thing at a young age.

    So It's really hard to tell what she's thinking. She could come out as a different sexuality later, but It's hard to pinpoint blame if you don't have proof behind her reasoning. If she is attention seeking (which could happen) you need to have a long talk on how wrong it is to falsely use labels like that, but I would get some proof behind that statement first.
     
  12. Nelly1

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    I think it's perfectly natural to have doubts, and I think you did the right thing coming here to voice them rather than in front of your sister.

    I think the best thing you can do is kind of obvious - don't make a big deal out of it. If she is bisexual then she should appreciate the space to be herself, if not then she will realise she's not getting the attention she wanted from you and may lose interest in her new label.

    I can understand your point of view. Even though my sister is bi and I live in a very open minded house/city/family, I still tormented myself with my sexuality for years.
    *It can be frustrating to me when I see LGBT people accept who they are so easily and I'm like HOW DO YOU DO THAT???
     
  13. RunicSquirrel05

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    Take things day by day, and don't let her know that you doubt her. If she really truly is bisexual then your doubt will hurt her more than anything. However, if she is faking it then what did you lose by being a supportive older sibling?

    Speaking from personal experience I knew that I was attracted to girls when I was 12. At the time I assumed that I was bisexual because the whole area of attraction and sexual identity was pretty new to me. It isn't entirely impossible that she's come to an understanding about herself quickly and easily. I also didn't struggle too much when I began coming to terms with it all.

    So what I would stress for you is to just be supportive of her and guide her to make the right choices. I'm assuming your sister looks up to you and/or respects you since she came out to you. If she really is bisexual and you're not supportive it is going to crush her and possibly cause problems in your relationship.

    Just think how you would want your older sibling to react and treat you if you told them. Use that to guide your reactions, opinions, and further actions.
     
  14. LezzyLizzyy

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    she has a "crush" on her best friend-
    I am lesbian. I am 22 years old. When I was in high school I had a crush on my best friend.

    she told me she has known for two months-
    She's 11, its quite possible she was having feelings and she wasn't sure what they meant.

    barely reacted when I told her gay marriage was legal- who does that?!-
    Again she is 11. marriage isn't on every young persons mind.

    I hate to say it, but she's attention seeking-
    Why? How do you know that? Trouble at home? Trouble at school? Did you get all the attention when you came out? She could feel left out.

    Also, she's emo and I know a lot of emo kids like to do that to add drama to their lives. -
    I was me when I was in middle school, i did not "become" lesbian to add drama to my life. I liked girls, nothing could change that

    Surprisingly, she said she accepted herself quickly, and was surprised when I mentioned I hated myself for months... -
    I never hated myself for liking women. I never saw it as a problem. i didn't feel weird, or different. I felt like I was just like any other person. I knew I liked girls as long as I can remember.

    I told her to not be in a rush to label herself.-
    This I agree with, I didn't label myself until after I graduated high school. I knew i loved women, but I didn't rush to slap a label on myself.

    Is it possible she's actually bisexual?-
    Yes of course, it was possible your lesbian, same as myself. Just like it was possible we could have been straight.