1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

7 Year Old Son Has a Crush on Male Best Friend

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by lovingdad, Jul 27, 2015.

  1. lovingdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hi everyone,

    I'm a young father looking for some advice regarding my 7 year old son. He recently came out to me, twice. It seems a little early for him to come to this realisation, but I'm aware that some people do discover their sexuality at a young age. If he really is gay, which I believe he is, then I'm immensely proud of him for coming to this realisation at such a young age. I have close family members who seem to be trying to convince me that it's probably nothing and kids just say these things. It seems to me as though my son is being genuine with me though and understands what he is saying. I will shortly explain what he said and let you all be the judge of whether or not this sounds like a genuine early realisation of his sexuality.
    My son was able to verbalise his sexuality because I have previously taught him what the word 'gay' means (when a man wants a boyfriend and a woman wants a girlfriend). I had it in the back of the mind that he might be gay and I thought it sensible to teach him that sometimes a person can be attracted to the same gender.

    The first time my son told me he was gay, was a couple of months ago. We were on the bus when he told me about a video his mum had showed him of a lesbian couple getting married. He told me how happy they looked, I explained to him how gay marriage had been legalised in the U.S. recently. That's when he told me, with a big smile on his face, that he was gay. At first I wasn't sure if he had seen some kids at school joking that someone was gay, the big smile on his face didn't help haha. But then I realised he meant it, when he told me how he fancied his only male best friend. I think I reacted in the right way, with neither a positive or negative tone, simply one of loving curiosity. Maybe I asked too many questions, but in all truth I'm probably just being hard on myself. He seemed quite happy to talk with me and was asking lots of questions. When he grew bored of the conversation we spoke of other things. After that I didn't bring it up with him again.

    Last Saturday, we were cycling home when he decided to tell me again that he was gay. Unfortunately, we were in a rush and so we didn't have time to stop and talk, but we did have a conversation whilst cycling home. I regretted this, because I needed to have this conversation with him properly face to face (I did get this eventually, as you will see). Again he referred to the video of the happy lesbian couple and his crush on his best friend at school. Again, I reacted with loving curiosity. I'm worried I may have asked too much though, as he later gave the reason not to tell his mum as "she'll ask too many questions". I hope that wasn't my fault, but I fear it may have been. I was eager to learn more and to help him figure it out. Don't get me wrong, I didn't push him to continue talking, when he was bored we stopped talking about it. Again he seemed happy to talk about it, I'm just worried that I confused him by being too interested. In many ways, his sexuality is no big deal at all. But at the same time, I can't deny how important it will be in terms of how he is likely to be treated by the rest of society. He's obviously too young to understand this, so he was probably a little confused as to why I was so interested in that particular aspect of his identity.
    I did explain to him some of the context behind homosexuality, that in the past many people thought it was wrong and that in high school other kids might make fun of him for being gay. But I also made sure to explain to him that the majority of people in this country don't believe that anymore and that kids only make fun of people being gay because it's different. My son knows that he's different (in lots of ways) and he embraces this as a good thing, much as I did as a child. I'm proud of him for that. I hope that by informing him about possible prejudice, I didn't scare him into denying his true self.
    Unfortunately, he got bored before I managed to properly explain how he shouldn't worry about what other kids at school think.. and that what really matters is that I love him and he loves himself, straight or gay. I felt bad for not being able to communicate this, so on Monday I decided to bring up the subject again myself. I was wary of bringing it up myself, because I believe it's best if he talks about it at his own pace. So I explained that I wouldn't ask lots of questions, but that I just wanted to tell him not to worry about people at school, that he could tell others when ever he was ready, and that I loved him all the same, whether he thought he was straight or gay. I let him know he could ask more questions whenever he wanted, he seemed happy to begin asking me a few more questions before again becoming bored and wanting to play haha.

    I'm not satisfied I responded to my son coming out as well as I could have if I had a bit more time to think it through, I was put on the spot in both cases haha. But I think I responded well enough to leave him feeling comfortable with his sexuality. I don't plan on bringing it up with him again, I want to let him take it at his own pace. But I'm thinking about just reminding him that if he wants to talk about it he can, especially with regards to his crush on his best friend. Would others agree that it seems necessary to explain to him how his feelings will most likely be unrequited? I think he already realises this to some extent, but we haven't talked about this much. He told me that he's asked his friend if he will be his boyfriend, but I didn't ask him what happened.

    Anyway, that's enough from me for now. Thanks for reading this far. Your advice is much appreciated. Any questions, please fire away :slight_smile:
     
  2. Posthuman666

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2015
    Messages:
    626
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    America
    Id like to start off by saying you are an amazing parent! Not only accepting your child's sexuality, but trying to understand, and care for him, even at such a young age. That is really great.

    It really seems like you have things down. Support, love and acceptance are the most important part of a child to parent relationship, and honestly, I think you nailed all three!
    It is very important that you made clear that he can talk to you anytime.

    I think your doing great!
     
  3. Aldrick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    You did fine, don't worry about it. Quite honestly, at his age he is not likely to remember the conversation once he gets older, so it's likely going to be a situation where in his mind he's never really been in the closet.

    It's good that you have a close relationship with your son, and it is more than obvious that you are a loving and wonderful father.

    The best advice that I could give you is to just let him continue on at his pace. Kids have these types of little crushes at his age. My primary focus would be on what his friend thinks and how things go. If he is rejected, as he likely will be, I would relate a story to him from your own life where you liked a girl and she didn't like you back or something. That way he can understand that this is normal, and doesn't really have anything to do with his sexual orientation. You might also want to have a conversation with him about respecting other people and their feelings. Just imagine if he were heterosexual, and he liked a girl who didn't like him back. Same conversation, just different genders.

    For the most part, I'd just let things ride out, handle issues as they arise, and then give it more focus once he starts to hit puberty. This is usually around the time you're going to begin talking about sex, consent, and responsibility and other important conversations. Around this age what you are roughly educating them on is the basic mechanics of procreative sex, different body parts based on sex (how biological boys are different from biological girls), appropriate and inappropriate touching (and what to do if it happens to him), and answering general questions about babies and where they come from. That's generally what you're doing around this age, and once he gets older, you start discussing the fact that he may want to begin having sex, and you prepare him by talking about consent, responsibility, boundaries, different ways of being sexually intimate (not just procreative sex), the various risks associated with different sexual acts, etc.

    Aside from the above, when he gets a bit older, it would be beneficial to get him involved in an LGBT youth group. That way he can actually be certain of finding other kids his age to date and have normal teenage relationships with, similar to his heterosexual friends. All that is left is just to handle issues as they come up just as you normally would if he was heterosexual.

    I hope this helps!
     
  4. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations, you are an amazing father! Be proud of yourself.

    I think you handled things very well. Just show to him that you are there in case he needs help with something, but apparently you already did that. So, don't worry too much.

    Also, remember that we are here if you need anything :slight_smile:

    Congratulations again!
     
  5. Foz

    Foz Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2015
    Messages:
    979
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    You Kay
    Gender:
    Male
    Well it's good to know I'm not the only person from the UK up at this time! First of thanks for being such an epic parent about this, however I think the best thing you can give this is time. Kids are very suggestive so if you talk about "how a boy likes a boy", he may think "I like my friend, I'm gay", kids that age don't fully understand relationships and how they work, so it's only once they truly understand all the dynamics that you can really be sure.

    When my sister was 7 she wanted to marry our dog, when my mum asked her why, she said "because I love him and you marry people you love". Once my mum explained that just because we call him "he" it doesn't mean he's a person and that she can't marry him, she cried for over an hour :lol:
     
  6. Clay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2014
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    I'd echo pretty much what Aldrick said. You did fine, and it looks like you two have a fantastic relationship.

    Just let him know he can always come talk to you about anything and you should be fine. Maybe even ask him what that boy said to show how relaxed you are about the situation.
     
  7. Oh Lilac

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2015
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    You did marvelously! You're a wonderful parent to your son. Try not to overthink it, because what matters is that you are loving and supporting and accepting your son for who he is.

    It sounds like you are most concerned with protecting him from society. The good news is, things are better these days, but we can't protect him from or control what others may say. It is most important that you are there for him as his support system. You are doing a great job. That is what will make a difference for him!
     
  8. lovingdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thanks for the support everyone, some great advice too :slight_smile: What I'm learning is that the gay community is very supportive and this is good to see in any community. I wish my mum was a little more supportive, instead of claiming "kids just say these things", telling me not think about it or do anything, and assuming that my negative feelings were to do with my sons sexuality. In reality, I was just worried about whether I had dealt with it properly and what it would mean for him growing up. I felt scared for him, but I soon realised that the positives outweigh the negatives. If he is gay, I would feel immensely proud of him for that and especially proud of his early realisation and confidence in me. I would take great pleasure in teaching him to be proud of his identity, but also to realise that it can define him in any way he chooses.
    Both my parents seem to be in denial about this. They claim he's probably just confused. But what does everyone else think, given that he's told me twice now, he knows what gay means, related it to how he felt 'different' from everyone else and told me about a crush on his only male friend? It seems genuine to me and I wish my parents would trust me on this one. He has a fairly good understanding of relationships for his age, so I don't think he's confusing admiration for attraction. Whether or not he is gay, there's not an ounce of me that wishes it was otherwise. I wouldn't love him despite his sexuality, I would love him for it.
     
  9. The Wallflower

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Puerto Rico
    This is an example of good parenting. I wish I was as lucky as your son.
     
  10. CodeForLife

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Messages:
    300
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area, CA, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Based on reading your story, you sound like a very open and supportive dad. Thank you. :slight_smile:

    Disclaimer: I'm not trying to offend anyone and I'm not trying to tell you what your son is or is not, I'm just going based off of what I've read. Keep in mind, I'm gay, too! :slight_smile: And no, I don't have kids. (*hug*)

    My personal opinion is similar to Aldrick's remarks. From what I've heard in general, kids' rarely have many long term memories that go back beyond age 6. Given that your son is 7 and you are educating him about different orientations, I would be willing to bet that most 7 year olds do not grasp a deep meaning of the difference between love, friendship, camaraderie, and jealousy.

    Kids are absolutely great listeners and truly sponges. Because you have shown him a great deal of interest in wanting to know more about his (arguably controversial) perceived orientation, I'm sure this extra attention has fueled him into wanting to clump more feelings into this understanding of "love".

    Love is not something that is easy to describe and has several different meanings depending on the context it is used. I'm sure your son loves you and if he really loves a friend too, that absolutely makes sense. At age 7, I don't think most kids have sexual desire, so that may be out of the question, but emotional connections I'm sure can exist. In my opinion, it's really hard to take these words at face value because at such a young age, he is still growing, learning, and understanding the world.

    People at age 40 have a hard time understanding their orientation, so I find it somewhat hard to believe that your son truly understands the meaning of being gay (or bi, if that may be the case). He very well may not be straight, but I don't think he could know this for certain at age 7.

    Just my two cents. :thumbsup:
     
  11. Aldrick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    It is easy for people to enter denial and to dismiss someone as young as your son. In fact, people dismiss the feelings of teenagers who are most certainly capable of knowing and understanding.

    Here is the honest truth: Only your son knows his sexual orientation. There is no amount of tea leaf reading, guessing, or stereotyping that anyone could do to figure it out. So, my advice in these situations is always the same, and that is whatever someone tells you is the truth. There is no point in second guessing someone or questioning them. In part, because in the end it doesn't matter. If someone is mislabeling themselves for some reason, they will eventually figure it out. Sexual orientation is biological, it's not something that anyone has any control over. You feel what you feel. So, as your son gets older it is certainly possible that he may decide that "gay" is the wrong label for him, and that he would prefer another label such as bisexual or even straight. It is very unlikely that he is 100% straight, at the very least, and so what is important at this point in time is that you encourage him to be true to himself and give him both the space and permission to explore his feelings.

    At his age, and especially as he approaches and enters into puberty, he is starting to figure things out for himself. He's at the point in his life where he's starting down a path of self-discovery, and this is a good and healthy thing that you should encourage. He's already taken huge steps in that direction, and so it's likely by the time he's 12 or 13 he's going to know with absolute certainty.

    Practically the only thing that you could do wrong in this situation is dismiss him or tell him that he is confused or wrong. People shouldn't do this because, in part, it is hurtful to him. However, even more importantly he is the only one who knows what he is feeling and going through. So, it is important to give him space to experience and work through those feelings, because in the end that is the only way he is going to figure things out.

    This is the best advice that I think can be given on this matter. Just trust him, support him, give him space and permission to feel what he feels and to explore those feelings, and everything will work out in the end. By the time he enters puberty he is going to know with more-or-less absolute certainty, not only because he is going to be more mature by that point, but his feelings will naturally intensify.
     
  12. LezzyLizzyy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2015
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone


    I don't have any advice, I just want to thank you for being such an awesome human. I know many people who had it SO hard when they came out. Reading what you posted made me cry. I myself have a son, he is almost 4. And well he has a big gay mom! Haha. Talking about the LGBT community is definitely something I will do when he is old enough to understand, and honestly I cannot wait. I think everything you did was perfect. You are accepting and loving and that is ALL that matters!:eusa_clap
     
  13. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    You're doing great and your son will definitely thank you for it as he grows older.
     
  14. TobaccoFlower

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2015
    Messages:
    351
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    UNT, Denton, TX
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I do hope you can see these replies. When I was little I got asked by my mom, in the car on the way home from my best friends house (a girl, as they ALL were), if I had a girl Who I liked. I was about your sons age but didn't really understand any of the girlfriend boyfriend stuff yet so I look confused when she asked if l liked any girls at school. I said yes as if I obviously liked people; I was friendly. And immediately her response was to change gears and ask about girlfriends specifically. So my reaction got even more confused.

    And this is where I remember the conversation best.

    She stopped and looked at me in the rear view mirror and, even though she misunderstood, she said sorry and asked if I was interested in a boy instead. She explained what being gay was and told me in no uncertain terms that people sometimes get picked on for liking the same gender but that she would always always love and accept me for who I am even if I just like girls.

    I had no. Idea. Why she was acting so crazy. But to this day it stands as a huge monument in my self acceptance.She didn't handle it super well and she didn't seem to understand why I was confused but even though it never came up again I always knew that no matter what I could always be myself because even in the darkest of days my mommy would never reject me for feeling love Towards another person.

    No matter how you handle it as long as he knows you love him it will make his life monumentally better. Conrats! You win at life. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2015 at 02:08 PM ----------

    My mother did this. Much worse than you. She was awkward and a bit frantic to tell em how she felt and to explain what being gay was.
    but I was about 7 as well.
    And I can tell you even just hearing my.mother tell me she will always love me even if I love boys it made me a better person. I have never been afraid of my sexuality. Ever. And if this is how you handled it I want you to know that he will remember those talks extremely vividly and that you are an amazing parent.

    It. You make me want to cry with amazingly and lovingly you handled that. He will be just fine if he has a parent who is there. That's all anyone needs. Somebody to always fall back on. Especially parents.

    I have no advice because I couldn't have handled my own boys better. You did amazing.
     
  15. lovingdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you :slight_smile: Yeah, I am mostly concerned with how he will be treated by others. I know things have changed a lot, so I don't think I have as much to worry about as I initially thought. But still, he's bound to experience bullying at some point in school (as many kids do for being "different). I can't prevent that from happening, but I'm hoping that I can at least teach my son to be proud of his identity. I think it helps that he's already got a healthy mindset with regards to being "different". It's something he embraces, which is great. He is very often pointing out ways that he is different to other children and when he talks about these differences it's obvious that he's proud of them. He very often does things to be different on purpose, like recently he's grown his hair long and keeps telling me "I like my hair long because it makes me special, no other boys in my class have long hair, I'm cool because of my hair".

    So yeah, I don't think I have too much to worry about. As long as I continue to encourage him to embrace his differences, be proud of his identity and show him love, acceptance and support, then I'm sure he'll be fine. I just hope I didn't warn him about potential prejudice too early, I don't want to scare him into denying his identity. I just thought that it was better if he was somewhat aware of this from the beginning, just so he has realistic expectations. I would hate for him to encounter prejudice without expecting it or being prepared.