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step-mom to pan teen whose dad doesn't know...

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Elodie, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. Elodie

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    Hey everyone,
    I am a step-mom to a great 14 y.o. girl who recently came out to me as pansexual. She had been open about her friend who was pan, but not saying anything about her own sexuality until that moment.
    She's very comfortable having come out to me and her mother, but is terrified to come out to her dad who has made it clear that he is homophobe.
    It is driving a huge wedge between them and he doesn't know the cause. I want to help them through this, try to help him become more even-keeled in his views, and hopefully help her feel safe enough to one day come out to him.

    Does anyone have any advice? It kills me to see the rift and that he doesn't know why and see their relationship disintegrate.

    Thanks everyone
    ~Élodie:help:
     
  2. Aldrick

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    Hello Elodie. Welcome to EC. (*hug*)

    Before I give you any advice, I think it would be helpful to have more information.

    First, you label your sexual orientation as bisexual. Does your husband know you're bisexual, and if so how does he feel about it?

    Second, you said that her dad "has made it clear that he is homophobe"--in what way has he done this? What has he said and done? What is your impression of the situation?

    Third, if your step-daughter comes out to him, what do you think his reaction will likely be overall?

    Hopefully these questions will help give myself and others a better understanding of your situation, and the type of advice that is best to give you.
     
  3. blueberrykisses

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    Pretty sure she's a step mom as in she's in a relationship with the girl's mom, not the dad...
     
  4. Fallingdown7

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    Sounds like a hard situation...I would hold off telling him anything until you're sure where he stands. 14 is still very young so it wouldn't be a good situation if she got disowned, in a fight, etc.
     
  5. Aldrick

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    Ha. You might be right. I can definitely see that now upon a second reading of the OP. In either case, it is pretty ambiguous, and just underscores the fact that we need more information to give better advice. The nature of the advice that I would give would definitely change a lot depending on this factor alone.

    I should also ask, who has custody of your step daughter? What rights does the father have, and does she primarily live with you and your wife/girlfriend? What steps can be taken to protect her should he find out, and react poorly?
     
  6. Elodie

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    Hi Everyone,

    I apologize for the ambiguity of my post. Being new on this site I wasn't quite sure how much background I should/could give, and my most recent conversation with my step-daughter's father (my partner) might shed a bit of light on the situation she's facing.

    My step-daughter's parents split up for the last time in October 2012, if memory serves me. I met him online about 6 months later. Everyone in the family describes their relationship as volatile, and everyone seems to be relieved that they are no longer together (both parents and their 2 children).

    I was dating my partner for over a year before I moved in with him and his two kids. He and his ex have joint custody but he has the kids about 70-80% of the time. I get along really well with the kids, I love them like crazy and they seem pretty fond of me too.

    Their father has always made his traditional/conservative ideals pretty clear. He's a smalltown country boy who has a very opinionated (read prejudiced against anyone not white anglo christian) and he seems to have absorbed a lot of his father's traits.

    I would like to think of myself as open-minded and genuine, and so he tends to try to push my buttons regularly, knowing he's teasing me when he talks about other ethnicities in derogatory terms, or how he wishes it were still the 1950's where MEN ruled the roost and women fetched their man's slippers and made their dinner while wearing sexy lingerie. (sigh.. I know... )
    Anyway, his son likes pink and My Little Pony and my partner gets mad at him and tells him that Pink isn't for boys and no son of his will like My Little Pony and no son of his will be Gay. (sigh.. again... I know how awful this sounds and my heart crushes for his children)

    So growing up with this, the kids know that dad believes that GAY is BAD. so much so, that when I went shopping alone with the kids and there was a really cute My Little Pony t-shirt and me and his sister encouraged him to at least try it on, he almost burst into tears saying that he couldn't hide it from dad and he'd get in trouble for having even tried it on so he couldn't do it. (I felt so bad for him and comforted him and put the t-shirt away with no further discussion of it.)

    So his daughter came out to me in a text conversation she and I were having when her father and I had just left to go on a 3 week trip together. She was lamenting how her PAN friend was lamenting how she would be away for a week (while we were away on our trip, she was away on an enrichment course). So my advice to her was for her to tell her friend she loved her and tell her not to worry, she'd be back to her in no time.
    (I had had my suspicions that she was questionning her sexuality for several months by this point) She then admitted to me that she'd known she was "different" since about grade 4. I opened up to her telling her I didn't really think I was very different for the longest time, but then started to realize that not everyone had romantic or sexual attraction to men and women, and realized that there was a label for that.. only once I reached university. She was surprised and comforted by my revelation. I also told her that I'm not open about it with everyone as to me it's a private part of my life and I've "passed" as hetero by only presenting male partners to my family.

    Anyway, the point of the question is really about connecting her with her father.

    Just tonight, (while the kids are with their mom) he was trying to trigger me, and said "no gay person has ever been in this house".. so I said.. "really? and how do you know that? and how does that explain how you're ok with me in the house?" he was like "well what do you mean?" and I reminded him of my indifference between male or female partners and his awful answer was "oh well that's just hot". (ugh) So I pressed him further asking "so it's ok for the house to be filled with lesbians but not gay men?" to which (I'm really sorry to post this) he answered " eh, as long as I can watch or have a threesome" (revolting) but I pressed further saying " fine then.. are you telling me that it would be better for your daughter to be a lesbian than your son to be gay?" and he said "absolutely yes. He has the job to carry on the family name, she loses her name when she gets married so it's no big deal if she is or not".

    So, I hope this paints a bit clearer of a picture of who she has to deal with for a father. Please don't think of him as a total monster. He genuinely loves his kids, puts a roof over their heads, makes their meals, brings them to and from extracurriculars, is interested in their school work and well-being, however... he does have the intollerant side that's really hard to open up to and be vulnerable around.

    their mother (my parter's ex wife) is another complexity to add to the puzzle but I'll leave it there for now. I do hope this is a little more detail and clearer than my original post.

    p.s. my step-daughter is dating her "pan friend" and mom allows her to have sleep overs and it drives me nuts. I wish I could stop her, but I don't know how to put my foot down about 14 year old sleep overs with her girlfriend without outing her to her dad. ugh! PLEASE HELP!
     
  7. Aldrick

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    Yikes. Okay, I am glad I waited to get more information.

    There is no easy answer to this problem. The wedge being driven there is entirely of his own doing, and unless her coming out is going to make him do an entire 180 degree turn on his beliefs, then coming out to him presents too high of a risk for her. He may hold very misogynistic views toward other bi, pan, and lesbian women, but his own daughter is different despite what he said. There is a good chance that if she came out to him as pansexual that he would almost certainly react poorly.

    Really, there is no good that could come out of her letting him know, not at fourteen. She is at a disadvantage because she lives with him most of the time. This means that she cannot easily get away to escape his bigotry if it goes poorly. Also being a minor, she could be put in a lot of troubling situations that she has no power to really fight. Her best bet is to wait until she is at least eighteen years old, ideally once she is financially independent from him, and then come out. That would allow her to come out on somewhat more equal terms where he doesn't really have any power or control over her.

    As sad as it is, you are also opening yourself up to potential false and ridiculous accusations from him. Since you knew before he did, and you are yourself bisexual there is the possibility that he could accuse you of "influencing" her. This is also something that has to be taken into consideration. Obviously this is a ridiculous accusation, but in some cases like this parents look for someone to blame. Unfortunately, you are an easy target in that regard. This is something that has to be considered.

    The best advice that I can give to you here is to keep the children squarely focused on their future. All of this is temporary once they can get out from under his roof and become financially independent. They then have the ability to take away all the power and influence he has over them, and thus they have the ability to set the terms for what their relationship will look like. If he wishes to continue to act in the way that he is acting, and not seek to make amends for his past actions; then they have the ability to walk away. This is impossible right now due to their age.

    As for the sleepovers, have you spoken to your stepdaughter about them? I assume the concern is that they are sexually active at such a young age. Has she admitted to being sexually active? Have you spoken to her biological mother about the situation, and if so what are her feelings and thoughts on the matter?

    There is absolutely nothing her father can do about the sleepover situation that will not end badly. Even if they are sexually active and he is able to put an end to it for that reason alone (not because she is pansexual), she is going to view it as an attack on her due to her sexual orientation. There is nothing he will be able to say or do to make it look or feel otherwise.

    If she is sexually active, then at least you know it isn't with a boy. That means there is no risk of pregnancy, and the risk for contracting most STD's--the serous ones, anyhow--are extremely low. This is the one advantage and piece of mind that you have in this department. However, regardless of whether or not she is sexually active, you need to have a long talk with her about eventually becoming sexually active. She needs to be educated about consent, boundaries, responsibilities, safety, and more.

    I wish I had better advice on how to deal with her father. Her coming out to him leaves her too vulnerable to his whims. It is too risky and it is not safe for her to do it. If their relationship suffers as a result, he only has himself to blame, and unfortunately her coming out to him is not likely to result in him changing his views. After all, he already knows about you, and that has done nothing to change his perspective.

    Your role here in this situation is better filled as a confidant. Just picture yourself as part of an underground railroad like operation. You need to keep her focused on her schooling and her future, and keep her eye on the prize. That prize is getting out from behind enemy lines, so that she can learn to live her life without persecution. She has both yourself and her mother as advocates and supporters, that is more than most people in her position possess. Just keep her focused on completing High School and then getting off to college immediately after. That is her first real opportunity to be free.

    I wish I had better advice to give, but unfortunately I do not.
     
  8. Elodie

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    Hello Aldrick,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thorough answer to my heartfelt concerns.
    Today's newest development has been that I've gone into my step-daughter's laptop to see what she's been up to. (I'd love to hear what people have to say about keeping an eye on their children's online activities) I came across a letter she wrote in Word.

    Turned out, it was a letter to her online friend who apparently committed suicide 2 years ago. She never told us about it. The letter was heart-breaking. She knew that her father disapproved of her having online friendships so she felt she couldn't open up about this to him. She didn't open up to me about it either. I don't know if she told her mom about it. She wrote about how she just cried herself to sleep over how she had first met this boy and he was so happy and full of life, and slowly, because he was abused at home with a complicated family life, he said good-bye to her. She didn't hear from him, however she did get a message from a family member saying that he'd committed suicide, but thanked her for her friendship.

    She was devastated. I don't claim to know or be able to prove the veracity of the events around her online friend, however, the effects have been very real, that's what matters to me at this juncture.

    Also, that she didn't come to any of us when she was experiencing so much grief. I feel so horribly that I've let her down, that she didn't feel she could come to me (knowing how she felt about her dad, I can understand why she didn't feel comfortable telling him)

    I have talked to her recently to see if she's been in counselling, and she admitted to me to talking to a counsellor at school. I told her I was glad to hear that she feels comfortable to talk with someone she can trust.

    I showed the letter to her father and told him that we have failed his daughter and we should do what we can to make amends. I'm hoping, if he takes this to heart, he will work on becoming more open and receptive to her and her world. If he can open up and apologize to her for not being there for her when this boy died, perhaps that can open up the opportunity for him to start to listen to her. I can only hope.
    or, more than likely, he won't find the courage to ask for his daugher's forgiveness for being so closed off when she needed him most and the rift will continue to grow, much to my sorrow.

    Thank you kindly for listening and helping.
     
  9. Aldrick

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    Elodie,

    My heart breaks to hear that this has happened. It is a serious issue that she kept this bottled up, primarily because these types of situations are so dangerous. One of the major concerns is copycat behavior. This is why when there is a teen suicide, schools frequently make grief counselors available to children. The good news here is that she DID speak to someone at school, so she was getting support, even if it wasn't from her family. That is super important.

    My advice here is to find out who she spoke to, and without letting your step-daughter know, reach out and thank them. They can't talk to you about what was said (or at least they shouldn't), but it's important to let them know that you know what went down. It's also important to let them know you are supportive, that way if for some reason she goes back, and she's fearful of telling you something the counselor (knowing the home situation is at least partly supportive) can urge her to open up to you. It is a situation where you are working in a partnership. You may also be able to get some advice on what to do about the overall situation.

    It's hard for me to go further at this moment. What did your husband say regarding the letter? Did she say anything in the letter that revealed her sexual orientation to him? Unfortunately, I am probably in agreement with you regarding his ability to change his situation. However, the consequences of that will be his own. My primary concern is for your step-daughter, and what type of situation she's been placed into as a result of this revelation. For example, a concern that I would have is that he may simply decide having online friends is "too risky" and just decide to cut her off from any potential online support network she may have built. It's easier for him to do something like that than deal with his own issues. Something like this would only make things harder on your step-daughter, and just further strain the relationship.

    One piece of advice I would have, due to your step-daughter's age, is to encourage her to come to a place like EC. She can sign up here without any special permission since she is over 13, and the community is designed and monitored to protect people her age. This place gives her another outlet to reach out and get support, further reducing her isolation.
     
  10. Elodie

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    Hi Aldrick,
    I really like your idea of going to her counsellor to let them know she does have support, however, I have no idea how to go about doing that. Should I go to her school and just ask to speak to the guidance counsellor assigned to her? I'm not quite sure how that works, but it might be a place to start.

    I read the letter carefully prior to showing it to her father, and it didn't reveal anything about her sexual orientation. It was simple, heart-felt and heart-breaking.

    He read the letter yesterday, then I left him with a day to absorb the information presented before discussing it. I asked him today (since we're picking her up from camp tomorrow and we needed to decide how to react prior to picking her up) what his thoughts were. He simply shrugged saying that he tried to find out if there indeed was a boy in the general location and age range that committed suicide by that name at that time.
    I reminded him that whether the story is true or not is irrelevant to our situation. what is relevant is that his daughter believes it and is devastated by it and felt she couldn't come to us for support.
    I also told him that I felt it's our fault that she felt she couldn't come to us and that we needed to fix that.
    He angrily growled "well, did she go to her f*cking Mother?" I said I didn't know, and he stormed off.
    As much as I want to talk to his daughter united, so that she can feel like it's coming from the both of us, but I fear, I will have to address this on my own with her, appologize for myself, and how she felt she couldn't come to me rather than for both of us.
    this is really eating at me. He talks about how his kids are everything to him, however, when it comes to looking in the mirror and changing his own behaviours or owning up to his own challenges, he would rather get angry and lash out than ask for forgiveness and fix it.
    I would think his children's mental health and well-being should outweigh any false pride he might hold. I am so deeply disappointed in him.
     
  11. David21201

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    hello, i have a few things I'd like to say if you don't mind.

    Her dad sounds like a complete asshole and honestly he shouldn't be considered a father.

    I'd be very careful when talking to him about your daughter and being careful while showing him things.

    With the school guidance counselor, I'd maybe talk to the first and see their views on the LGBTQ+ community. My guidance counselor ended up trying forcing me to be cis and straight.

    Dont force her to go to counseling if she doesn't want to go. Also wait till she's ready to come out. If her dad does something rash she'll need to be able to leave (possibly).

    If you'd like your step daughter to speak to someone around her age I'm here to help with as much as I can. Don't hesitate to talk to me!

    Best wishes!~
     
  12. Elodie

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    Hi rubix413,
    As much as my step-daughter's father's views on sexuality seem to suck, humans are complex and multifaceted, so I have a hard time simply brushing him off as an asshole without giving consideration to the many other aspects of the man that are perhaps more laudable.

    As for my step-daughter, she went to the guidance cousellor on her own, without our knowledge. So I hope that has been helpful for her, unlike your awful experience. .

    I don't believe for a nano second that she would be in danger in her own house or would have reason to flee. He does love her deeply. He was raised ultra conservative, has major self-esteem issues of his own.

    I am compassionate toward both of them. I only hope they can be as compassionate to each other.

    Thank you for your kindness in offering to support my step-daughter.
     
  13. Invidia

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    You seem like you are doing the right thing, Elodie. :slight_smile:
    I think you're perfectly right when you look at it as that he grew up in a certain way that shaped him into the person he is.
    If she comes out to him, she might be treated very badly, however. That is a fairly likely scenario. She might not be in danger physically, but her emotional wellbeing and even mental health, can be at risk.

    Somehow he needs to accept her. That might not be easy. But where there's a will there's a way! Even if the will is one-ended to begin with.

    (sorry for my short answer I might write more later. need to sleep.)

    (*hug*)
     
  14. Elodie

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    BeckiWoopx,

    Thank you for your reply. I am, as friends would say, a die hard eternal optimist, and so I have a really hard time imagining a world where my partner wouldn't eventually come around to accepting his own daughter's sexual orientation.

    Granted, I assume this will take a while, however, I do see it as possible.

    What likely gives me this hope is a similar situation happened to another friend of mine.

    He was as judgemental and prejudiced as they come against anything other than heterosexuality. His brave daughter came out to him as lesbian and that more or less ended their relationship for many years.

    I was friends with him and gentle in the way I spoke with him when he talked about his "gay daughter". Though, slowly, the started to rebuild their relationship and eventually, he regained his daughter and her, her father. She began to work in the family business, and he started to really see how amazing she was and he was eventually bragging about her and how she could do just as much work on the job as any of his crew, sometimes putting many of the men to shame. To see him beam with pride and love for her was wonderful, especially after the years of hurt and pain his original closed mindedness had caused. His daughter was even to get married and he couldn't have been happier.
    Unfortunately she passed away by tragic accident mere months before the wedding, which has completely devastated my friend.

    Long winded story to simply say that if he was hardened in his views and was able to change (eventually) for his daughter, I have hopes that my partner, would hopefully eventually also be able to do the same thing. Let love prevail over hate and fear.