Do I tell my father I know he's gay?

Welcome Mike. I'm not a parent and both of my parents are both straight as far as I know but I'll give you advise on what I can anyway.

To get him to come out to you could be a little bit tricky. I think the best thing to do is not come right out and say you know he's gay/bi but to slowly start dropping hints. Stuff like lgbt related things. If he still doesn't than you might want to tell him you know about his orientation. You seem like a great son and sorry if my advice wasn't much help. Best of luck to you.

 

I'm glad you're so supportive. That's awesome. I'm thinking you should let him know that you know. If you have a good relationship with him it should go ok, I would think. And it has the potential to deepen your relationship. I'm in a straight marriage and have kids. I'm not out to them, (they're young and I'm still married to their dad) but the thought of coming out to them terrifies me. If I had an adult son who knew and didn't have a problem with it, then I would want to know that. I would feel better about our relationship. I'm female, so I can't give a male perspective on this but those are my thoughts. Your dad grew up in a very homophobic world, it's possible he's had some negative experiences with coming out. Just be sensitive if you do talk to him about it.

 

The usual advice on here for parents is let their kid tell them when they're ready and to let their kid know they love them no matter what. You can kinda turn the tables on your dad, in a good way:

You: Hey dad, you'll always love me no matter what, right?
Dad: Of course.
You: Well, you know *I'll* always love *you* no matter what, right?
(cue the emotional life changing music)

Cheesy maybe, adapt and change as needed of course. Kids react differently to their parents asking directly, but usually if the parents are supportive it all turns out well. I hope it's the same when it's going in the other direction.

 

It may make a difference exactly how you've come to discover this aspect of your dad's sexuality, too.

If you've seen your dad's male significant other posting on fb about how happy he is that they're in a relationship together, that's relatively easy to bring up. If you've found a secret porn stash under his bed, however, it might be more politely left unmentioned.

 

Hey, I think it's cool that you fully support your dad and as it should be and I'm glad that you have taken your time to write your question on this site and welcome!

But yeah, I'm curious as to how you have discovered his sexuality. Keahi gave a good advice so I don't have anything much to say although I think what is important here is that you are accepting and supportive so maybe you can also subtly show that to him.

 

Since I don't know how you found out your father's sexual orientation, it's hard to give you really strong advice on how you should approach it.

This isn't usually the type of situation that works out the way most people like to fantasize about. If your father is gay, it is important to understand what this means. It means that he has been leading an entire secret life that he's kept hidden from everyone for longer than you've been alive. He's either been suffering with this secret alone, or he's built up a small network of people he is out too.

In many cases like this the "evidence" that you have is not going to be relevant. I've seen situations where someone is caught red handed--literally showed videos or photos of them having sex with other men--and have them deny it flat out (usually this is their wives). The closet is a powerful thing. Your father may not even be prepared to identify as a gay man, because of negative associations he has with the word. His internalized homophobia could be enormous.

Understand that once you breach this subject with him there is no going back. You may learn things that you don't like--for example, he may admit to you that he was cheating on your mother with other men behind her back. You may find your perception of him altered in some ways, because it is one thing to be supportive of LGBT people. It's another thing entirely to realize what it means to have lived your entire life in the closet, as your father has, and all the repercussions that involves for him.

You may even find yourself in a situation where he may out himself to you, but he asks you to keep it quiet and not tell anyone else. This could involve you lying to your siblings and your own mother, effectively also dragging you into his closet.

These are just some of the possibilities that you could be playing with here, and I don't tell you any of this to frighten you. I tell you this to be real with you. It's easy to work up a fairy tale picture in your head where you confront your father, he tells you the truth, and then he proudly marches out of the closet door to live his life as an openly gay man--liberated by his son's love. That isn't likely to happen. Your father has suffered real and serious emotional and psychological trauma as a gay man who has been forced to live his life in the closet--whether he'd ever be willing to admit this to you or not.

So, it is important to understand what you are doing before you take that first step. It's possible that your father could be ready to come out. Maybe he's been in therapy for awhile, or maybe he's finally accepted his sexual orientation and has connected with others. This is the most ideal situation that you are going to encounter, because the truth of the matter is if he was ready for you to know he would have already told you.

It is hard to give more specific advice without more information. However, in general the best way to approach this situation is with caution. As some others have told you, broaching the subject of LGBT people with him and letting him know your feelings in the most general sense is the best way to handle things. Let him know that you are supportive of LGBT people, and create for him opportunities for him to tell you. By finding ways to create opportunities for him to tell you, this allows him to come out on his own terms. Then, if or when he comes out to you, don't ask questions that you don't want honest answers too.

I know this probably isn't the answer you wanted, but I just want to keep it real for you. It's important that you move forward with your eyes wide open, and know what you could be stepping into before you find yourself in the middle of it.

 

The best advice that can be given in these situations is really no different than the advice that we give to parents who discover that their child is gay. Confronting someone with the "evidence" is usually always a bad idea. The best approach is to create a supportive environment in which someone feels comfortable coming out on their own terms. When someone is ready to come out, they will come out. What you are trying to do is make coming out to you as low risk to the person as possible, to the point that they can very easily predict your reaction before they tell you. Even then, it can be very difficult.

Your father has lived in the closet a long time. I can easily imagine your father remaining in the closet for the rest of his life, or at least doing everything he can to hide his sexual orientation from his children. His number one fear is likely the fear that coming out to you would change how you see him. Depending on the type of questions you want to ask him, and the answer he has to those questions (assuming he is willing to answer them) you can't really guarantee that won't happen.

The best approach here is just to create a supportive environment, let him know how you feel about LGBT people in a way that doesn't scream "I know your secret", and find ways to create opportunities for him to be honest with you. If he's ready to come out, then he will take one of those opportunities. If not, then my advice is to respect his privacy. If he wants you to know, he will tell you. Once he opens up the closet door and steps out, the questions you likely have become fair game. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he never takes you up on those opportunities.

So, let me ask you some questions. Do you think you would be comfortable knowing that he is living in the closet, and that he may have no desire or plans to ever share this secret with you? How important to you is it to get answers to those questions, and how do you think you'll handle getting answers that you wouldn't like hearing?

I think these are the important questions you need to answer for yourself before you make any decisions on how to proceed. It could potentially be cathartic for you, and provide you with some type of closure. On the other hand, it could open up old wounds or a big can of worms that you may not be prepared to handle. It is difficult to know or predict which way things could land, which is why the best advice you can receive is: proceed with caution.

 

Hello Mike,

I came out to my adult children this past spring. I was nervous about it, as their mother had recently passed away. My son's first reaction was that he and his sister had decided years ago that I was gay. He couldn't understand why I was nervous about it, and said "After all Dad, you raised me right".

So here is my perspective. Coming out is your Dad's decision, not yours. He will tell you when he can. In the meantime, it is not important that he knows that you love and respect him despite being gay; it is important that he simply knows that you love and respect him.

If and when he tells you, tell him you love him. That's all he needs to know. What difference does it make how his sexual orientation affected their marriage? The point is moot. They're divorced.

From what you've said Mike, it sounds like your Dad raised a pretty great kid. Just love him and be patient.

 

I may not be the most suitable for giving advice here, but putting myself in your dad's shoes, I think it would be good for you to bring it up in a gentle way or even just hint about it. Maybe he feels like since nobody knows, he can't have a relationship with someone and be open about it. Also, he may always feel like he has to hide it because he won't think anyone will accept him.

If you tell him you know, that will probably make him feel uncomfortable because he's been hiding it from everyone, but I think in the long run it would be better for him if he knows that you know and that you accept him. Just my opinion, but I hope this helps.

 

I was essentially outed when I ended up coming out to my parents. Though I wasn't ready to come out (and still haven't fully come to terms with it), I am thankful that it happened that way. I think I knew deep down that that's how it was going to be because I would've suffered in silence until my wits end had it not. Many people advocate for not telling someone you know their "secret," but I am going to advocate the opposite. I am about to begin a new chapter in my life, and that chapter would have been wasted had I not been out before starting it. I needed that push. It may be hard for your dad at first, but long term he will appreciate knowing that you love and support him no matter what. My advice would be to tell him you know, tell him how much you love him, tell him you will support him, then tell him you'd like to talk about it more when he is comfortable doing so.

 

Is he careless and absent-minded, or is he trying to drop major hints by leaving his Internet porn and dating profile out in plain sight?

A closeted guy would be covering his tracks - hiding the porn stash, clearing browser history, signing out of dating sites before letting anyone else use the computer, etc.

It's almost like he *wants* you to discover these things...