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My 15 year old son came out today...

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by IrishDad, Aug 7, 2015.

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  1. IrishDad

    IrishDad
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    So I arrive home late last night, and my 15 year old son greeted me telling me he couldn't sleep while his mum and 13 year old sister had well retired for the night at 3am... Being on school holidays I suggested we watch a movie to wear him out - which we did. So at 6:20am a still very restless young man lying beside me says "Dad... I can't believe I'm going to say this... but... I'm gay". I turn to him in mild shock and disbelief and he says "feel my heart - it's beating out of my chest"... so straight away I realised this was a true and huge milestone for him.

    Not quite knowing what to say, I sit dumbfounded for about a minute - as unlike some parents who may have had their suspicions regarding the sexual orientation of their kids - I was completely in the dark, as he appeared to have shown interest in girls and discos in the past, and even had a girlfriend for a few months about 6 months ago.

    Both his mum and I have always had a fantastically open relationship with our son in the past, and as I sat there in my minute of silence I basically realised that my son is my son - always was, always will be - and his sexual orientation will have NO IMPACT on that... So I utter "Wow! ... Ok then" (now wishing I was more supportive straight off the bat)

    He went on to explain that he had known for a few years, and even though he tried to lead the straight lifestyle for a while - that he realised that he was just simply gay, and went on to explain that was why he broke up with his girlfriend, and how she was the first one he came out to after they broke up - and they still remain great friends to this day.

    He also told me how he was inspired by another young gay teenager on YouTube who also came out to his parents on August 7th - so had set this as "the day" - which was why he couldn't sleep and was so restless.

    So I hugged a very relieved young man and told him how he's my son, and that I love him unconditionally and thanked him for telling me. We went straight up for an extremely early breakfast, and woke up his mum on the way and broke the news to her while we sat in the kitchen. She also unconditionally supports him, and like myself is very proud that he had the courage to tell us face to face, and we want to support him in every way we can... and at that, an obviously relieved young man went to bed at 8am!

    So I suppose I'm starting here after basically absorbing for the day, and finding this site after Googling the words "my son just came out". I'm still in partial shock and don't really know what to make of everything yet. I have definite fears about him taking on the more challenging lifestyle of being gay in a world of so many small minded bullies who believe that being straight is superior to being gay - especially in respect of teenagers who don't have the same discretion and sensibilities as open minded adults... No decent parent wants their child to be a victim of bullies.

    As a 45 year old dad I currently find myself having a feeling of what I can only describe as (for the want of a better word) "loss" as in: I had always envisaged a different life for him with the stereotypical "wife and kids" and had made certain assumptions regarding him carrying on our family name and making me a very proud Granddad one day - BUT... I realise that this is not about me, and to dwell on this would be just plain selfish... this is ONLY about my son.

    I truly love, admire and respect my son, as does his mum - and we want to do everything we can to support him and set him on the right path, so I've started by looking into an LGBT youth club in a nearby city which might hopefully allow him to integrate with like minded teens his own age, where he can hopefully feel integrated, comfortable and hopefully a truly accepted part of something bigger - presuming he wants to go.. but that'll be his choice - I just plan to present the option.

    So I suppose I'm basically writing this thread to look for advice from people who have gone through the same thing - from both the parents side, and from the side of those who bravely came out. Please feel free to let me know how I can be the best dad I can be to my son during this crucial time. I have sooooo much love and respect for him - and just want his life to be the happiest and best that it can be. Thank you.

    IrishDad.
     
    #1 IrishDad, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
  2. blackhatguy

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    On this site there are a lot of people having a really hard time because their family isn't very accepting. It's really great to hear about the opposite.

    The only thing I'd really suggest is give him space and time. He's making a big transition, scary as hell for a lot of people, so it may be a while before he feels comfortable with being involved in a LGBT organization or that sort of thing.

    I can see you truly want the best for him, and with that as your goal, everything should work out
     
    #2 blackhatguy, Aug 7, 2015
  3. happydavid

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    I'm not sure how I can support you but it admire you open mind.I hope you and your son go from strength to strength.
    You are a wonderful farther :slight_smile:
     
    #3 happydavid, Aug 7, 2015
  4. PatrickUK

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    First of all, I want to say how well you handled everything. It was clearly a heavy weight that he was carrying and your reaction will have made a massive difference, believe me. To have the unconditional love and support of parents makes the rest of the coming out journey so much easier.

    The world has changed a lot since I first came out around 18 years ago. We now have same sex couples who are married and your country (Ireland) was the first in the world to approve same sex marriage by popular vote.. and by some margin too. So, whilst it's natural that you should worry about negative influences, the situation is not nearly as bad as it was in the past. Younger people have a different and more liberal outlook to our generation and generations past and whilst he may experience some issues, he will be a lot stronger with you and his mum standing by him.

    Please don't feel bad about the sense of loss. It's a very normal parental reaction, explained well here: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief
    The fact that you didn't allow your own feelings to influence your reaction says a lot about your strengths as a parent and as more of our members read this I'm sure they'll say the same.

    I would encourage you to read some of the other threads in this area of the Empty Closets forum (Parents and Family) and you can search back through the archived threads. If you want more information (as a parent) check out this link to FFLAG UK Home
    The FFLAG website contains lots of information that you may find useful/helpful. In addition you can check out the website of a similar organisation PFLAG.

    As a gay man who remembers how daunting it was to tell his parents, I just want to say how proud I am of your reaction. He is luck to have you as a Dad. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 PatrickUK, Aug 8, 2015
  5. Father Freddie

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    You've already done something pretty great, you hugged him and accepted him as he is. You might tell him about this site. He may find answers to a lot of the questions he has and will have as the years unfold. It ain't gonna be easy for the three of you, especially the next three years of high school. It's a lot different than when I was there but it still has it's rough spots. At least he has you and his mum, I had no one, and struggled through it on my own.
     
    #5 Father Freddie, Aug 8, 2015
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  6. Spartan 117

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    Hello there, and welcome to the forum! :slight_smile: I'm Glenn, and I'm one of the moderators here.

    First off, I'd like to say that there's not a lot of advice I can give you about being a good father - but fortunately you seem to have that covered already! All I can say is that you seem to have handled the situation perfectly, and I think it's great that you're supporting your son! You have no idea how much I wish my parents had reacted like you, when I came out.

    I'm sure you're probably still a little in shock about this news! You say that you're feeling a little sad for the life that you pictured your son having in the future: the "wife and kids". This is perfectly normal, in fact a lot of gay young people come to the website and say the same thing. They even feel quite guilty. I know I was made to feel guilty about it by my parents. I think the reason is that we're so used to having a set idea of what it means to have a 'happy future'.

    A lot of that is the idea of family - which is so important to many of us. Until recently, people seemed to assume that gay couples could never have a happy family of their own, but that simply isn't true. We don't hear about gay families much, or see it in the media, which is why they aren't in our consciousness as much as 'traditional' families. However, things are advancing so quickly when it comes to gay rights, and it'll be your son's generation that gets to enjoy that. He'll still be able to get married, and he may even have children if he wants to. There's absolutely no reason why your son can't have a happy, successful and loving future. It may seem a little out of the ordinary at the moment, but by the time your son has grown up, I don't think that anyone is going to blink an eye.

    Whatever happens, your son has a bright future ahead of him. It may look a little different than how you initially envisioned, but I've no doubt it's going to be made a million times better with your continued support.

    As for bullies, of course that's something that you don't want your child to deal with. There will always be ignorant people out there in the world. There's no guarantee that your son will be bullied over his sexuality - I have never been a victim of bulling. Attitudes are changing, and homophobia is (gradually) becoming unacceptable to most people. Your son may have to deal with some small minded people in his life - unfortunately I think we all do, regardless of our sexuality!

    I think your idea of seeking out an LGBT youth charity/centre is excellent, and so pro-active - congratulations! Take a look around and see what resources are out there.

    So, all in all - don't panic! You're doing the right thing, and you (and his mum) should be so proud of yourselves. You've already set your son on the right path, with the way you've handled things. The fact your son felt comfortable enough to tell you at this young age is a testament to his relationship with you. All he needed to know from you was that you loved him no matter what - and that's exactly what he heard. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Spartan 117, Aug 8, 2015
  7. Van

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    All I can say is that you and your wife are awesome! I'm glad you two are as supportive as you are of your son. Your support means everything to him right know, I can assure you of that. You're already doing the absolute best by offering unconditional love and support. Maybe you and your wife will find a support group for parents of LGBTQIA folks and go to a meeting and talk to other folks with rainbow kids.
     
    #7 Van, Aug 8, 2015
  8. Vashta Nerada

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    Speaking as an Irish teen who came out to his dad under similar circumstances at fourteen,
    You really are handling the situation fantastically and your son is a lucky man!
    I assume the youth group your referencing is BelongTo in Dublin? if so it's a great resource and a good idea
     
    #8 Vashta Nerada, Aug 8, 2015
  9. IrishDad

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    I want to thank all of you who took the time to reply to my message - it was a very welcome sight after my first nights sleep on the issue... I'm sooooo relieved to hear that the "loss" issues I am (was) experiencing are a normal reaction in parents - as this was conflicting me with a counterbalancing feeling of personal guilt also - as in "now I'm making all this about me" - which I was never going to do anyway... but these feelings have pretty much subsided after a nights sleep and your kind words of support.

    Thanks to PatrickUK for the thread on: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief After reading through this post I realise that I somehow managed to skip the first four stages automatically and shuttled straight to acceptance. I realise what a major issue this is for my son, and all he must have gone through internally over the last few years to get him to the point where he was actually willing to sit down and openly come out to his mum and I. His mind is clear - there's no confusion, so in my opinion there's no need to try to deny it or bargain him otherwise, and definitely no point in being depressed or angry - as that wouldn't do ANYONE any good.

    I admire him also in a way for the fact that he did experiment with girls to make sure of his own sexuality - as in my reckoning I personally never felt the need to experiment with boys to make sure I was straight. He also seems to have thoroughly researched the topic on the internet with others in similar situations, so he is where he is - and that's that as far as I'm concerned... so let's move forward from here.

    A huge thanks also to Spartan 117 for the open acceptance and acknowledgement of my feelings of "loss" - I was really worried that I was just being plain selfish, but with your explanations on the subject, it seems to have quashed that, and now when I re-examine those feelings this morning with fresh eyes after reading ALL of the responses to my initial message - those feelings just aren't there any more. Once I realised that these were actually valid feelings in all parents (and not just me) it seems to have allowed me to move forward - with a huge sense of personal relief.

    To Vashta Nerada - we're actually in Galway, which is a pity as I'm sure you would be a very insightful person for my son to know. I'm considering showing him this thread at some stage down the line and feel you two might become friends should he wish to join this site himself.

    All in all I'm hugely humbled that you ALL have taken the time to reply and offer your kind words of encouragement. Growing up all I wanted was to have my own family and to be was a good dad... Thanks you all once again for letting me know I'm doing something right :slight_smile:

    IrishDad.
     
    #9 IrishDad, Aug 8, 2015
  10. resu

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    It's great you and your wife have been open and supportive for your son, and he probably had already sensed he could trust telling you. He is very lucky, and your acceptance will help immunize him from potential negative experiences in the future.
     
    #10 resu, Aug 8, 2015
  11. guitar

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    I think BelongTo was referenced in the documentary Growing Up Gay which was made in Ireland.

    IrishDad, you seem incredibly supportive & loving and you know already this really isn't about you. Your son is lucky to have parents who fully support him and who want to learn more. It will take time but you'll get used to your son's orientation. Being gay does not mean you can't have a family or that he will be bullied (though some adversity will probably happen). Stick around here, meet others in person, ask questions, and above all else continue to live your son & let him know how much you love him. Congrats to your son for his big moment and for having such wonderful parents :slight_smile:
     
    #11 guitar, Aug 8, 2015
  12. klix

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    IrishDad you are amazing, like you my dad had the same feeling of loss but is also uncomfortable with homosexuality in general.

    I came out on new years eve, my mum said it was best not to come home for my birthday and I used to only call her mobile phone rather than the land line.

    Honestly the only thing that I think brought him a bit closer to me was finding out that I got diagnosed with a brain tumour... He came to that meeting with the doctors and it was only because of that we spoke, otherwise it might have been different.

    My mum kicked him into shape as she was very unhappy with how he responded, my sister is also very angry with him about it... I have since been able to go home but it's not the same... He was never a particularly talkative, but now we hardly talk.
     
    #12 klix, Aug 9, 2015
  13. lovetoomuch

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    IrishDad, this post just made my day. As someone who is not out (and is not suspected of being gay), I fear what my parents will think, especially my athletic and very "manly" father. I can tell you every gay person (or bisexual person or someone not "straight") dreams of their parents reacting this way.

    Trust me, your son truly appreciates how accepting you were and I hope he realizes how great and open-minded of a father he has. I think my parents will struggle with the same things as you, such as believing I will have the stereotypical "wife and kids." It is something that is going to be very hard for them to accept, but I can only hope they handle it the way you did.

    Also, it says a lot that your son was willing to come out to you at only 15 years old; that is still a fairly young age and it means he knew he could confide in you and you would accept him no matter what. Seriously, thank you for sharing this story. The day I come out to my parents, I'm praying to have a similar response :slight_smile:
     
    #13 lovetoomuch, Aug 9, 2015
  14. levi2000

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    I have two things to say:

    One, thank you for being so open and accepting! It probably means a lot to your son.

    Two, just talk to him. Listen to what he has to say. I can't tell you how to be a good father, but i can tell you that the best way to know how he feels is to talk to him.

    Good luck!
     
    #14 levi2000, Aug 15, 2015
  15. Vashta Nerada

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    This Young politicians group actually did a residential recently and there was an LGBT youth group from Galway city (which I can't remember the name of for the life of me) so I'd say we may be thinking of the same people, in which case I can tell you all the staff are really outstanding individuals.
    I have to say again you're a great father and couldn't be handling the situation better.
     
    #15 Vashta Nerada, Aug 16, 2015
  16. Typhoon

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    Surprised no one said anything about this yet, so here goes......

    Do I smell Troyyyeeeeeeeee? :icon_redf

    Side-note, your son is lucky to have parents as accepting as both of you. Mine are the exact opposite, and I can truly appreciate how you set his mind at ease. Kudos to you :slight_smile:
     
    #16 Typhoon, Aug 16, 2015
  17. Oh Lilac

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    You are a wonderful dad! It is normal to mourn the "loss," as you put it, of a more traditional life for your son. Do not feel guilt in these feelings. The news came as a surprise, but you did everything right.

    I had to accept the loss of a more traditional, heterosexual life for myself when I realized I was gay in my early 30s. It is something I had to come to terms with, so of course it is understandable from a parent's perspective, if I had felt that for myself. My advice is not to burden your son with that, and keep doing as you are- being supportive and loving toward him. I am very impressed with your openness and love for your son. :slight_smile:
     
    #17 Oh Lilac, Aug 16, 2015
  18. Kaya-Sente

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    Thank you for sharing your story here, I would love it if my family could be so accepting. You are a great father, and your son is lucky to have your support. It really does make a massive difference...
     
    #18 Kaya-Sente, Aug 17, 2015
  19. RavenTheRat

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    I agree with blackhatguy- many families (My own included) don't react well to thier children coming out. Just by supporting your son you are doing an absolutley wonderful job as a parent- keep it up :3
    Trust me- your acceptance means more to your son than you could EVER understand.

    Ah, yes the restlessness. I remember my heart was beating so fast I thought I'd pass out.......
     
    #19 RavenTheRat, Aug 17, 2015
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