I thought this would probably be the best forum to ask for advice - just came across it whilst googling today. I've long suspected my sister might not be straight or not seen herself as the gender she was assigned at birth. Since a very young age she refused to wear dresses and does all the "boy" sports. She is now 14, in a strong girl group of friends who apparently are called the feminists at school (at 14 I don't think my year group had heard the term!!) she follows various gay pride/lgbt accounts on Instagram and has a link up for a petition for the UK government something about transgender. She is very knowledgeable on constructed gender social things. For example I was complaining how people thought my son was a girl when he was clearly wearing blue - and she commented that genders don't have colours. Having done a degree where a large section was dedicated to gender studies I obviously understand all of this. I'm not fussed if she isn't straight. But I am concerned of the hardships she will have to go through to put herself (if she decides - and if she is!). I've seen a diary in her room with a few depressing tumblr like quotes in. I spent most my teenage years with anorexia and self harm so this made me upset to think she might possibly have some of the same thoughts. (Mine was triggered by the fact that I had a crap set of friends - which she doesn't have - and boy issues). So this in itself I'm debating about whether telling my mum about the diary I found. I know she had counselling when she was little, for depression I assume). I'm also concerned how other family members might deal with the idea of her outing herself. My mum would be fine, dad would not make his personal opinions known whatever they are although I'm sure he is fairly liberal. Our maternal grandparents should be okayish although they are devout Catholics.. But our paternal grandparents would not be - for example I had my child out of marriage, whilst still in educated and they were devastated. They are fine now that I am married and I finished my education without delay! I can't even talk about this with my husband as he would be insensitive. He's Russian, and although fairly westernised, he does say things about lgbt rights, racism, etc etc that I deem unacceptable - even though he is fairly open minded and he is certainly politically liberal. However, things like not understanding why it was pretty awesome that Austria won Eurovision in 2014 and making stupid comments during watching it (whilst 2 gay friends were watching with us..!). So I basically fear that he would say something insensitive to her. I have my older sister to talk to about it.. Although we rarely see each other both being grown up and in separate countries.. So basically, I have no hard evidence my sister is not straight, but also no hard evidence that she is! It's only a suspicion. What can you lot advice me to do? I don't really want to talk to her about it.. I don't feel that is right. But I want to make sure if she does choose to talk about it, that others don't put their foot in it. Sorry if I have used any bad terminology - I haven't really talked in depth about LGBT issues before!!
Why do you think it's a bad idea to talk to her or why don't you want to? Clearly you care about her and don't want her to struggle or go through any unnecessary difficulties. Personally I think she would respond a hell of a lot better if you spoke to her about your curiosities and concerns rather than telling your parents about her diary. 14 is young, but it's not THAT young. Unless you think she's doing something harmful to herself, just keep it between you two. Also, just try to be casual about it at first, not just asking "Are you gay/trans?". "I see you're really into gender studies and LGBT rights. It's great you're so passionate about important issues at such a young age. But I was just wondering, do you recognize as LGBT or anything like that? I was just really curious and wanted to let you know I'm totally supportive of you if you are, or if you're just really into human rights for LGBT people." Express to her you are interested in her interests and who she is. Also, just keep your husband and other family out of it for now. While you're at it, take a deep breath and realize that the world is a lot more accepting of LGBT people than they were in the past, and you said she has a lot of friends. It's not like you're actually IN Russia. That would be a different story!
Thank you for your reply. I think what you said is right, that is what I should do... I'm just a bit shy about approaching the subject with her. I wouldn't ask her if she had a boyfriend, or about who she likes, and she most likely wouldn't tell me in that case anyway. She is very very shy, she doesn't speak about anything with us (her family), as in if we ask how her day is, she will shrug and walk off. I wouldn't even know the last real conversation we had.. But I also wouldn't talk to my older sister and mum at her age about boys - I would freeze and just say no to every question. Probably wasn't until I was 18/19 I could talk to my mum about boys.. So I can see why my sister would be the same about boys/girls/etc. Which probably means she might not be ready to talk about this?
I was the same as you at 14. Didn't talk to my mum or sister about "boys" etc. Perhaps a better strategy would be to just talk about LGBT+ in general and make it clear you are open, accepting and happy to discuss related issues. It would give her the comfort and opening to bring it up and tell you when she is ready, be that now or at 35, and gay or straight, cis or otherwise. I found that helped with me and my sister. She's straight but has a lot of gay and lesbian friends and is vocal about LGBT topics, so I knew I could tell her when I was ready to.
Does your sister know that you have gay friends? Does she see you as an ally of the LGBT community? Knowing these things will be reassuring to her and she will be more likely to come to you if/when she decides explore her sexuality or gender identity. Show interest in her petition and tell her that you will sign it. Ask supportive questions about the groups she follows and demonstrate your interest. As long as you don't say "Why are you following XXX?" because that seems challenging. At this stage I would not say anything to your parents, but concentrate on voicing your support for the issues she is interested in. If you want to do a bit of reading, in advance, you could look at the FFLAG website. If she does eventually come out you will be better prepared after checking out their resources.
It's possible that she's not ready talking about her sexual orientation or about her love life in general. Maybe she's still questioning her sexual orientation. It took me around one year until i figured out who i really am. I think if I had the courage to talk about it with my parents or someone else, many things would have been a lot easier. Just try to talk with her. Like troubleshooter said, show her that your interested in her interesets. I think it's important that you give her the feeling that you're interested in who she is and that you want to support her and to help her, so that she realizes that she's not on her own.
Hi there and welcome. I wouldn't tell the mother if I were you, I'd talk to her first. But considering your husband, you might want to discuss these issues with him personally even if it may be upsetting. For any non-heterosexual, being approached with complete insensitivity is a social nightmare. The hardships that she might go through are permeated by people who abuse, mock, and de-humanise the LGBT community. It's best to start by ensuring that such behaviour is not tolerated within the family first, and this can be done by just a little bit of reading to educate oneself about human sexuality. It would significantly alleviate the hardships into becoming a bit more bearable. Hope this helps.
Hi there and welcome. I wouldn't tell the mother if I were you, I'd talk to her first. But considering your husband, you might want to discuss these issues with him personally even if it may be upsetting. For any non-heterosexual, being approached with complete insensitivity is a social nightmare. The hardships that she might go through are permeated by people who abuse, mock, and de-humanise the LGBT community. It's best to start by ensuring that such behaviour is not tolerated within the family first, and this can be done by just a little bit of reading to educate oneself about human sexuality. It would significantly alleviate the hardships into becoming a bit more bearable. Hope this helps.
Thanks everyone! Seems like I have a bit of homework to do! I will get reading on issues, look at the websites you have suggested. I'll try and make my pro-LGBT stance more obvious for her - probably best through my usual political rants so it wouldn't be suspicious. I think as it looks unlikely she will be public with this for a good while, I will avoid talking to my husband and mum - although if I do get the chance to have a real conversation with my older sister, I might do that as I know she'll be on the same page as me. As for talking to my little sister directly.. I think I will give it a year or two. I won't be seeing her too much now as we have recently moved away.. But maybe when she comes to stay I shall try find a cool film for us to watch? There is the recent Pride film I heard about.. Is that too obvious suggesting that? If so, I'll find a movie that has a few gay characters in, just so a conversation might arise easier..
