I'll begin by saying that I'm a straight, middle aged, happily married Mum. I'm here for insight and advice, so I apologise in advance for picking brains and asking questions which may seem pointless to those of you who are out and proud and, most importantly, young. My daughter is gay. She announced she was bi, over the dinner table when we had guests, about 2 years ago. This was not a surprise though the timing was unfortunate as we had company whom we didn't know well and just kind of went 'OK' and carried on talking about other stuff. I suspected she was actually lesbian but waited and after a year or so she posted one of those youtube messages on how to tell your family you are gay on facebook. So now she's out. She is now 15. We're having lots of communication problems. Not because she's gay but because our communication is poor. She has mental health issues related to anxiety and depression and she's either ignoring us or pushing my buttons most of the time. I love her so much. Her sexuality is such a big thing for her right now and she's really focussing on that when I'm just focussing on her mental health and trying to get her caught up on her school work: she failed most of last year because of depression/meds for this. Well that turned into a diatribe! Absolutely not my intention. I'm just floundering right now on how to talk to her, how to help her. To be honest I'm not entirely sure I'm in the right place because in my mind her sexuality isn't our issue, but I'm pretty sure she perceives it to be an issue so here I am. Please be gentle. I am honestly here for a relevant view. Thanks
Hi. If you want to talk you can messuage me on my wall. I know how hard it is for her to go through but I'm so happy for her that she has a wonderful mother. She most likely is glad just to have a loving family which I'm pretty sure that she has. As I said if you need anything I will try to help. Thank you for being a fabulous mum
I think all you need to do initially is to convince her that you are on her side and supporting her. It is quite clear from your post that you are on her side. So it is a communication thing more than anything. Maybe a long 1:1 talk - or a long letter. And your husband's role also needs coordinating. Is he supportive too? This could be an opportunity for your entire relationship with your daughter to transform in a really positive way. And if her stress can be reduced then that is all for the better as far as her mental health is concerned too
Wow... you're all going through so much. I like the previous message. Let her know you are on her side. Make sure she knows what's in your heart. After that, I wouldn't have a clue except what you're probably doing...doctors, therapy. I know how it feels to hurt for your child. (*hug*) Please. .continue to reach out. You need support. God be with you.
Hi Muminthewings, I have to say I'm new to this site too and people have been amazingly supportive. I have a 14 year old step-daughter who is out to me and her mom but not my partner, her dad. I find that my step-daughter holds a lot of stuff in, and doesn't share, particularly around her dad when she's feeling judged. So that being said, I agree, that communication is hard. I'm trying to get her father and her to talk and spend more time together. It takes time to develop the deep trust and intimacy in communication that it sounds like you're missing. It sounds like her mental health concerns are a very heavy burden to bear. So much so that she's done poorly in school and has lost touch with you. I would strongly recommend a lot of compassion for this situation. Compassion for yourself, and for her. Something that may be helpful to you, try your best to be an observer to your interactions with your daughter. Pay attention to the words both of you use. Is she purposfully pushing you away and building walls by knowingly pushing your buttons? Is it strategic because she's really hurting? Paying attention to your interactions, bringing a curiosity and kindness to them should help you find the words you want to say to her, find the meaning behind her actions and words, find the vulnerability she's trying to hide and comfort and support that vulnerability. I have found that one way that I've been able to work at strengthening my relationship with my step-daughter is by being interested in her interests. Surprising her when I've read up on the latest Youtube she's watching, or know the lyrics to her favourite songs. I'm genuine in my approach, so she understands I'm imperfect, however, I have the impression that my effort in wanting to be a part of her life and understand her has gone a long way. Good luck, and remember you can count on the members of this site.
