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My daughter told me her "secret" last night

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by allpolishedup, Aug 14, 2015.

  1. allpolishedup

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    My 9-year-old daughter.

    For the last two years she's really developed her own style. She cut her waist length hair off and now rocks a pixie, she refuses to wear dresses and says she wants to dress like a boy, and has made quite a few comments saying she wishes she was a boy, she feels like a boy, etc. I have talked with my gay best friend a number of times and he told me if I had a feeling any of my children were gay, the worst thing I could do was out them to theirselves (did that make sense?). So I kept my suspicions to myself.

    Last night my daughter told me she wants to marry a girl, she had a "girlfriend" last year and she really likes girls. She's a very mature little lady and understands the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship. But is she too young to really know?? Obviously she's my daughter, my first born, this doesn't change how I feel about her at all. I just don't know if I should talk to her more about it or just leave it alone. I did tell my best friend and he said he knew he was gay by the time he was 9, so she probably knows.

    Any advice, helpful tips, anything would be appreciated. (&&&)
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Other than expressing support for her, reinforcing your love for her, and making her feel comfortable, let her explore and grow. Maybe she has it figured out, which is very possible, maybe its an exploratory phase (although I would be skeptical that it is). Be there for her and encourage her to be herself, whatever that means to her.
     
  3. allpolishedup

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    My husband and I have always encouraged her to be her own person - especially in the last few years when she changed her style and didnt want what all the other little girls want. I guess thats just something we will have to keep enforcing. Thank you!
     
  4. Kodo

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    I agree with OnTheHighway.

    Also, I'd like to point out that if the "wishing/acting like/saying she is or should be a boy" continues, you may want to do some research into what it means to be transgender. It is, like you said, really early to tell what all your daughter may mean. But even trans people can start to feel something "off" at such a young age. I wouldn't out right question her about it since she may not even be aware that "transgender" is a thing, simply keep an eye on her to see if these opposite-sex feelings persist. Usually around puberty is when you can really know for sure.

    Though more likely than not, she could just be a lesbian (perhaps butch) with her own sense of style.

    Best of luck to you and your family. It's awesome that she has a supportive parent such as yourself, regardless of her preferences or identity.
     
  5. allpolishedup

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    I am as honest with her as I feel I can be at such a young age. I have briefly explained what transgender is as we have a distant family member that is trans and she had questions about why he is now identifying as she. I didnt want to go into too much detail because we live in an ultra conservative community and I didnt want my daughter being the one to tell her classmates what mommy taught her - lol.

    I love that she felt she could tell me and will continue to support any and all decisions, choices, future endeavors as long as they are safe.

    (and Im so glad I found this website - I may have lots of questions later on.)
     
  6. Chiroptera

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    Hey allpolishedup,

    Thanks for being such a great mom! The world truly needs more parents like you! :slight_smile:

    It seems to me that you are doing great at supporting her.

    About her age, there are people who know that since very early ages. The important thing, as you already said, is to keep supporting her and telling her that she can be herself.

    You are welcome, don't be afraid to ask!

    (*hug*)
     
  7. Lipstick Leuger

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    Yes it is entirely possible that she knows already.

    My wife is very Butch, and she said for a long time, at a very young age, she wondered if she should have been born a boy because she didn't want to wear dresses, wanted short hair and liked girls. She had her first crush on her female English teacher at your daughters age. She had all guy friends and loved to wear guys clothes. This was back in the 70's, so it was very difficult for her to come out till much later, but it is common for more masculine lesbians to realize sooner that they are not straight than feminine/Femmes are. I took a bit, I was like 16 when it dawned on me because in the 80's, the only lesbians I had ever known about were more Butch, I love masculinity as well, so I reasoned that I could not be gay, I wore makeup and dresses and was girly. LOL.

    That is not so much of a problem now, so if she wants to wear her hair short and not have dresses, support her and let her know whoever she loves is fine with you. It's great she felt safe to tell you this about herself. She may change her mind a few times before she settles into an identity, but she sounds pretty sure about herself now. I think if she were Trans, she would have brought up that she is a boy and insisted upon male moniker before now since she has indicated her preferences so early. My eldest daughters friend knew very early she was a girl, by 5, and was angry about having a penis. Of course she is on hormones now and so much more happy. It's pretty much her journey and your only job now is to support her and love her.(well and fight for her if you have to)

    Please feel free to ask any questions, and I also am a Mother of three myself(2 gay and 1 straight)so please don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk privately as well.
     
  8. allpolishedup

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    Thank you for the insight!! And many thanks for the invitation to bombard your inbox with future questions. LOL

    ---------- Post added 14th Aug 2015 at 07:40 PM ----------

    Your reply made me tear up a bit. I dont understand how a parent can be anything but supportive when their child "comes out." You gave birth to this amazing person, you love and protect them no matter how they were born - gay, straight, trans, two legs, one leg, five toes or 34 toes. I have many gay (male) friends who have gone through hell with their families when they expressed their sexuality openly and it makes my heart hurt for them. No one should feel they are inferior or unloved simply because they love the same sex. I made a vow long before I ever had children that if they were gay, lesbian, bi, trans, straight, whatever, they would know nothing but love. And anyone who made them feel less than wonderful would have one helluva momma bear to deal with.

    She and I have talked more about everything today. She said she is definitely attracted to girls, the thought of dating a boy makes her sick to her stomach. She did say she *thinks* she might be trans, but she isnt sure if its just because she doesnt like the way girls are "supposed" to act and dress or if its because she really feels like a boy. Ive told her no matter what, we love her just the same, she is still our amazing, smart, hilarious, silly, loving child - whether that child is a girl or a boy, or kinda both. Shes really an amazing kid. (I know every parent says that, but seriously - mine really IS amazing) :icon_wink
     
  9. RavenTheRat

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    First, AllPolishedUp can you be my mom? Hehe.
    You are awesome. And don't worry, really don't. Sexuality is a bitch. A real, true bitch. Your daughter won't know her orientations right away.She might declare herself as something, then change it. I did that three times :wink:
    My best friend spent years trying to figure out his sexuality before discovering he was transgender.
    The best thing you can do for her is love her, support her, and let her know no matter who she loves or what gender she may be, you will always be there for her<3

    Parenting. You are doing it right. Very right.
    Just keep doing what your doing. You're doing it perfectly. And you know, by the time your daughter's in high school, I have a feeling the arms of the world will be open even wider to the LGBT community <3
     
    #9 RavenTheRat, Aug 14, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2015
  10. allpolishedup

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    Haha!! Sure thing!!! Come to Illinois and I will unofficially adopt you! Lol. Thank you for your insanely sweet words. I just want all my children to know they will never have to worry about acceptance at home. No matter the reason. These children grew inside me for 9 months and I vowed to protect them from everything I possibly can. Unfortunately, some people can be real dicks. If my daughter is a lesbian, she's going to have enough shit to deal with in our backwoods country town - this house will be full of nothing but love. A safe place she can come home to, speak openly and freely, bring her girlfriends over without fear of uncomfortable and awkward silences. Lol
     
  11. Lipstick Leuger

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    You are more than welcome. Please, bombard away! :kiss:
     
  12. aguynamednick

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    2 things:
    dont voice ur denial too early it could just be ur emotions distorting ur thoughts
    tell her u love and support her
     
  13. guitar

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    9 *could* be too young to know for sure, but I know several gay men personally who knew they liked boys around 4-5 and are still gay 20+ years later. Most people begin to know for sure as they enter puberty.

    Continue to support your daughter and let her find her way. It's likely she is LGBT but nothing is set in stone, especially at such a young age.
     
  14. Phioo

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    Wow.
    THESE are some rare parents.
    You have no idea how much she's going to love you both when she grows up and realizes that you have been supporting her the whole time.
     
  15. RyanMillerbi

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    i havent told my family that im bi because one theyll just tell my dad and he is a homphob
    but to honest give it time and when she gets older like she its pruberty tell here u can date any lesbian or bisexual girl she disers if they like her :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 09:30 PM ----------

    basicly im aculy 15 i lied about my age i thougt there was an age limit soo :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: this summer i acuy figure out my sexuality i thought i was allways stright but turns out im bi im sexual acrtivtly and romanticly actrive to men and women
     
  16. Invidia

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    I started realizing I might be trans (though my admirably bigoted town lacked the vocabulary, obviously! lol) around the time I started to learn to speak somewhat properly. Same with the sexuality thing.
    So 9 isn't too young, I think. Just be aware that, as has been mentioned above, sexuality can be a fluid thing and she might change her orientation later on, who knows.

    You're an awesome mommy! ^.^
     
    #16 Invidia, Aug 28, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2015
  17. BlueRazzberry

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    I don't know if it means much or whatever but I remember there being a trans mtf in my 5th grade class and she was very nice and got along with everyone. I never thought anything of it, and I don't think most did, although I think everyone pretty much knew she was physically a boy (I don't think she hid it, if I remember correctly.) I didn't talk to her because I was shy but I always wanted to be her friend. Whatever your child should choose, there will be other kids who will look out for her/him. I'm no parent, but I imagine that would be on your mind. Being LGBT means being different, and while different might not be bad, it still puts you on the outside, so constantly remind her that you support her. Best of luck to you and your family. It's wonderful seeing parents like you! <3 :slight_smile:
     
  18. GreenPanRose270

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    The only thing I'm going to say is that AllPolishedUp, you are doing basically everything right. <3
     
  19. Zoe Izumi

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    In regards to how early a child knows themselves. It can be as early as 4, probably even earlier. I knew something was different about me since I was 4. While I liked some "boy stuff"(power rangers, video games, Digimon, etc.) I also liked an almost equal number of "girl things"(My Little Pony, Playing Dress up, easy-bake oven, etc.)

    basically, I think you are already doing things right. as far as the too young thing, I don't think there is such a thing as "too young", we each figure ourselves out at different ages, some might take longer than others but have known subconsciously their whole lives.
     
  20. KaelTail

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    I think you are doing a great job with your child and I wish you all the best in the future!

    One thing you may want to think about is that, if your child is transgender, when they start puberty (which may be very soon) they may start to show signs of distress, even if they aren't sure what it is or how to articulate it. Try to pick up on things like this and talk to your child about it. You don't need to put ideas in their head, but have them be aware that they don't have to be a girl if it doesn't feel right to them. If your child still wants to be a boy, you may want to consider hormone blockers before they develop too much, to help them get through the next few years and give them time to make a decision. Body dysphoria can be hard to cope with, and it's not always easy to identify. I covered up my body in loose clothing and bulky sweaters all through middle school and high school and felt really anxious about my body, but I didn't know why (even knowing I had an attractive female body). Now that I am fully developed, top surgery will be more difficult and will leave larger scars on my chest. I definitely wish I had someone who was aware of trans issues talk to me about my obvious discomfort when I was younger. I could have made the change before the anxiety and depression I felt became an inescapable part of my young adult life. It's a common thing to hear with trans people that they wish they had known sooner. The sooner a person is able to live their authentic life, the sooner they can feel confident and happy in who they are.

    Regardless, good luck with everything! Being a parent is never easy, and I have a huge amount of respect for you. I can tell how much you love your child, and I know that one day she (or maybe he) will look back on everything you've done and feel like the luckiest person alive.