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My Step Son.

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by thestepdad, Aug 18, 2015.

  1. thestepdad

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    So my sixteen year old step son was at our home this weekend and casually informed us that he was bi.

    I didn't really know what to say and can't really remember what I did say. Something to the effect of "ok." He had already told his mother before I got home and they had already had a detailed conversation.

    I was happy to see him because he doesn't come over much anymore. So I told him so. And we had a wonderful week end. I took him fishing which is kind of our thing, and we had a blast.

    I'm concerned for him. He's a good kid but he makes bad decisions (and no I don't mean about coming out or being bi, I mean other things) His biological dad is both an enormous prick and an enabler in his bad decisions. My step son is in full on rebellious teen stage, and no doubt coming to terms with being bi and his biological fathers constant disapproval and emotional and verbal abuse has him spinning out of control.

    I love him so much and I want to guide him. I want to protect him. But I don't know how.
     
  2. zgirl81

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    He's 16, so protecting him is about to take a full new meaning! It's awesome that he felt comfortable enough to confide in both you and his mother. I'm 28, and I still don't feel confident that my parents would take that news well.

    Just plain accepting him for who he is is the biggest thing you can do to help and guide him. Talk about crushes/interests frankly, and greet all his partners with warmth. Just be a rock that he can rely on so that when things go bad with his biological father he knows that he can come to you. That in of itself will help enormously.

    Every kid will make mistakes, and all you can do is give honest advice and trust him to make the best decisions in the future. In a short 2 years he will be an adult and on his own... it will help him to make good choices if he knows you give solid advice and he can turn to you when he needs a second opinion.

    Also, being bi doesn't necessarily mean that he'll have a lot of hardship in his life. Yes, it can be tricky, but so is being straight. Hugs to your family, it sounds like you're doing great with supporting your step son already! (&&&)
     
  3. thestepdad

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    Thanks for taking the time to respond.

    I think he's a pretty normal kid struggling with a disconnected father and a divorce. For some reason adding "bi" to the stack of things he has to deal with seems unfair to him. Life of course could care less about being fair.
     
  4. MsEmmzy

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    Out to everyone
    I'll give you an answer from the other end. I'm in about the same situation as your son, but I haven't come out to my dad yet (and it's not as simple as being bi for me :/). My father, while not abusive, has disowned me 3 years ago when he heard that my stepdad was becoming more of a father figure to me. Add being transgender to the mix, as well as being pan, I'm struggling quite a bit as well. Hopefully my input might help a bit.

    I'm terrified of coming out to my dad, because I'm scared of how he'd respond. I'm afraid he might be unaccepting and not want anything to do with me. Or worse, I'm afraid he might start getting abusive with me. When a teenager has a negative connection to a parent, then someone new comes in to help fill the spot, they see it as a second chance. In my case, I am extremely glad to have a stepdad who can fill the fatherly position for me, despite the things I dislike about him. I have huge anxiety about his response mostly because I don't want a repeat of what I went through with my birth father. I would think that your son is most likely going through something similar. My advice to you would be to be accepting and loving. Though it looks like you've been doing a fairly good job thus far. As zgirl81 has said, you need to show him that you'll be there no matter what happens. If he ever comes to you with issues, be sure to listen and try to help as best as possible. If you're unsure, you could always ask on here and I'm sure someone would be happy to help.

    I'm glad to see how accepting you are! The world really needs more parents like you. Best of luck with your son. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
    #4 MsEmmzy, Aug 19, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2015
  5. Mitchell

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    It sounds like you're doing a great deal of things and putting a lot of effort in accepting him.

    The world is becoming more and more safe, comforting, and welcoming to LGBT people.

    On my perspective, coming out is a big thing.. taking a ton of effort, and a ton of positive self-esteem and it's also very scary.

    I'm sure as time goes by, he will be more comfortable telling you more and more.

    I've been blessed with a supportive family. I'm thinking if you're supporting and loving of it, and show the love and affection, and show that you're not acting like it's taboo or anything, it'll be great.

    The one thing I wish that I had talked about with family, as I didnt know much about it until discussing with a care provider, is more detail on sex itself. I did school online through a private school that didn't talk about it or teach anything related. Not so much the act, but more so the emotional piece. I ended up having that talk with a provider later on in my life.

    The world is such a more accepting place. Being that you're a stepfather of a sixteen year old, I am guessing you're at least in your late 30's, if not in your 40's or later. When you were growing up, it was a taboo thing and an unspoken thing, I can only imagine. The world is more accepting now. If he were to walk into a room of people and say, "I'm bi", I doubt it would be such a big deal like it would have been when you were sixteen.

    I'm 23. Last semester at school I walked into a classroom and they were talking about relationships, and I openly blurted out, "I'm gay"... Not one person said anything negative, and nothing bad happened.

    Good luck with everything. This is a welcoming community. I'd stay to be positive, and be open to talking about all this sort of stuff.
     
  6. tgboymom

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    How cool is that? He came out to you! It was like pulling teeth to get it out of my trans son. I knew something was going on and finally I had to start asking questions. I think your stepson coming out on his own and your unconditional love is very healthy.

    Going forward might be a delicate dance depending how his biological father reacts. Far be it from me to suggest any upheaval, but if you fear for this child in so many ways, it could be a time, if you and your wife are so inclined, to suggest that a 16 year old is old enough to decide where he wants to live. I'm a woman and I'm looking at it from a mother's perspective, but you seem to be way cool. My child's stepfather is very cool with his transition and has talked to him, driven me to see him and truly enjoyed Jake's company and even at 28, I would feel confident that my husband would be cool if Jake wanted to come home. Your wife must be so appreciative of you.

    Sounds to me like you and your wife have to think about changing his living arrangements if his father cannot offer proper guidance. Yea, I agree it isn't fair....none of it is. I cried rivers because I FEARED for Jake. I wanted him here so I could protect him, but he has been out in the world since 21/22 years old. I think Jake would sooner stick needles in his eyes rather than live with a parent again :lol:, but your son is really at a critical age.

    I wish you God's love and protection. (*hug*)