help - my son thinks he is gay

It sounds like your son may be questioning, but based off your description alone I would doubt that he is "gay" in the truest sense of the word. Being gay inherently means that you experience homosexual attraction, yet you say he is not attracted to men.

Another possibility is that he's in denial of same-sex attractions. I would talk to him more about what he's feeling, perhaps seek professional help to sort through everything. It's perfectly normal and okay to question, but just because he is "unable to really make a commitment to stay steady with a girl" doesn't necessitate homosexuality.

Finally, I'd recommend researching bisexuality, as this may closer fit what he is going through. He certainly seems (sexually) attracted to women, so I'd really doubt he's only gay, if at all.

Cheers.

 

Hi Sfmom, so glad you've decided to join this site to seek help for your son. As someone who's been in a similar place to where your son very well could be, I think I can shed some light on what he may be going through.

As the others have said, there are 1 of 2-3 possibilities going on here. The first is that he is simply going through a questioning / bicurious phase. Many of my straight friends have gone through this and realized they weren't gay. It's perfectly normal for people to go through this, we all need a chance to explore our sexuality and really determine what we like and are attracted to and what we aren't. A lot of people have a sort of, "I'm not gay, but if the right guy came along I might consider it." If you research the Kinsey scale (it deals with levels of attraction to the same and opposite sex - 0 is straight, 3 is bi, 6 is gay), this type of would be about a 2 on the scale.

The second possibility is that he is gay or bisexual but in denial and/or unsure of his true feelings and attractions. It wasn't until my early 20s when I really "discovered" (or maybe accepted) that I might be gay. I dated women in my teens and early 20s, and I slowly figured out that it just wasn't working but couldn't figure out why. Unless you're COMPLETELY unattracted to the opposite sex (which a lot of gay people are), usually societal expectations will see gay people like myself who are Kinsey 4-5s date the opposite sex. I would ask him if something feels "off" when he's having sex with girls? That's what I experienced. I didn't realize how much I truly wasn't into it because sex still felt good, so I was able to go with the flow. When I finally kissed / did more with guys, everything about it just felt right. It felt a million times more natural.

Porn is usually a poor indicator of what your attractions are. A lot of lesbians will watch gay porn for example. Your son needs to consider who he is fantasizing about. Or who he's checking out at the beach. Does the thought of kissing a guy do anything for him? If it downright repulses him, he's most certainly not gay, or deeply repressing something. Men I know who are straight are somewhat disturbed by the thought of gay sex, they do not want to see it. Not that they're homophobic, but they're so not into that specific act.

Hopefully some of this helps. If you or he want to talk more, feel free to visit my profile and write on my wall. I often don't return to threads on this forum as their are simply too many so I may not see your follow-up.

Best of luck to you and your son, and know that you are doing wonders for his psyche just being supportive and wanting to learn more about what he is experiencing. You're doing a wonderful job as a parent.

 

I don't think he's gay. I just don't think he could be in a committed relationship.

 

Before I accepted I was gay I slept with about 7 other women, did I enjoy it? Well yeah, it's still sex! But since I have accepted my sexuality and gotten a boyfriend relationships just feel so much more dynamic with a guy for me than it ever did before and what felt to me was missing with a girl is not there with my BF. I used to say "I'm not gay, I don't want to be with a man" but these weren't my genuine feelings, there were the result of the fear that I was almost definitely gay and the uncertainty it brought for my lie goals.

I would first ask him, how he would feel it if turned out he was in fact gay? It's not a case of how he answers that question will define forever his sexuality, it only gives an insight. Questioning you sexuality is no short task and generally the older you are the harder and longer it will be, but don't let that lead to intrepidation, just because he is questioning doesn't mean he is gay.

 

I'm not going to speculate on your son's sexual orientation. The simple fact of the matter is that only your son can speak on that matter. Instead, I will talk to you about what I've seen, and give you some concrete advice.

I have seen a number of different cases over the years, where someone who--by appearances--looked to be straight, but upon further exploration "discovered" that they were bisexual or gay. There are also circumstances where some people are just curious, and there is nothing wrong with that either. It's also important to remember that sexuality itself isn't black and white--it's a spectrum. So, it's possible for someone to be mostly straight, with some same sex attraction, or mostly gay, with some opposite sex attraction.

The best advice that I can give you is this. First, let him know that no matter whether he is straight, gay, bisexual, or something else entirely that you love him no less than before, and simply want him to be happy. Second, is to not pressure him one way or another. This can be a stressful situation for you as well as you consider the implications. You do not want your personal feelings bleeding over into this complicated situation. Instead, you want to encourage him to be himself. Nature is ultimately going to guide him where he needs to go, and it will be something that he will ultimately figure out on his own. The best thing you can encourage him to do is not to judge or question his feelings, but instead to simply give himself permission to feel and explore them. The more he feels comfortable exploring his feelings, the easier this issue will be for him to settle, but he has to have the space to work it out. That's what he needs right now, aside from your love and support, the space and permission to figure things out. Other than that, your role in this process is to stand off on the sidelines, and let nature guide him to wherever he is naturally inclined.

 

A college age guy not committing to one lady sounds pretty normal for that age. Seeing a therapist is a good idea and many colleges provide some service for free.

 

I think that, as Chip said, the best thing to do is just tell him you love him and let him figure it out on his own Sometimes that's all you really can do. Becuase in the end there's no test, no therapist, no diagnosis, no doctor that can tell you if he's gay or not (trust me, we all wish there was a test to help us decipher our queerness), only he can truly know.

And perhaps he isn't gay, but still on the lgbt spectrum, I guess you could say. Perhaps the hitch isn't with his sexual orientation but with his gender, or maybe it is his sexual orientation that is not hetero-normative, but he can't figure out what it is exactly. This can be a very time consuming process, and don't worry if he maybe seems to "change his mind" about his sexual/gender orientation. I know I went through lesbian, bigender, genderqueer, pansexual, and bisexual before arriving at transgender/gay. xD
That happens a lot. As we discover ourselves, we may realize that something we thought we knew was, in fact, wrong. And that's okay x3

Uh, and I'm gonna apologize because when I saw the thread's title I thought it would be about you wanting to ehem, "un-gay" your son, and I was gonna give you a lecture xD hehe, I'm glad that you came here to learn more about what your son is struggling with; trust me, a lot of us are always overjoyed to see parents who are willing to accept and love their children no matter what.

 

perhaps ill add that i was like this for a long while (like your son) so i thought id add what happened with me. I always thought i was attracted to women both sexually and emotionally. id always been interested in it but my difference is i never really had a relationship. then a while back late last year I had my first real acknowledgement of being attracted to another guy. this feeling was different, it wasnt like what id thought id had towards women, it was a whole different level so it made me question it alot until later (few months) i realised that i wasnt actually attracted to women as the feelings i had were not actually an attraction like i thought they were so i realised i was gay


could this be what your son is going through? if so i think he would definitely need some space on it as pressuring can really dislodge the whole process, who knows? maybe it will turn out to just be a curious moment?

 

Hi sfmom,

I feel like I can relate to your son a bit, though I was much younger and have never been in a relationship/intimate with a woman. When I first had my sexual awakening right around age 11, I think it was more hormones driving the interest in girls I had at that time, as I had an overwhelming need that I would have been willing to solve with anyone.

That being said, it was right around 11-12 that I started noticing feelings toward guys that I didn't understand, and really had been there my whole life. I just didn't have a word for them. I tried so hard to repress them, though eventually I couldn't. The thing is, I was still pining for certain girls and I called myself straight.

Now it wasn't until I was 14 that I finally put 2 and 2 together and realized, these feelings are sexual attractions toward men. Now this process can happen later in life or in the onset of puberty like it did for me. It sounds to me like he's in the initial phase of acknowledging that these feelings are there. My best advice is to listen if he wants to talk and to reinforce to him that you love him no matter what. It sounds like he's comfortable talking to you about these things, as wha you revealed in your initial post isn't something you would know if he hadn't directly mentioned it.

I hope you'll keep us updated, or better yet, pass him along to EC, as we'll be there to support him through his period of self-discovery, just as we have for thousands of others.

 

I just kind of struck me how open your son is about these feelings. As I've said, I went through the same thing. My mom and I have a pretty good and close relationship. For a while she suspected I was gay while I was going through what your son presently is. BUT I NEVER TOLD HER. In hindsight I kind of wish I had, even though she might have been pulling for me to be straight (I only told her when I actually came out and was certain I was gay). That's really something that your son is open enough to share these feelings with a parent. Most kids never do until they actually come out.

 

Sounds like HOCD. You and him should look it up.

 

As Raven said, if your son dates/is attracted to girls but feels gay doing so, maybe they're a lesbian: have you both considered the possibility of gender dysphoria?

If not, he may be somewhere on the Kinsey scale questioning and all he needs is time. Hope you're both there for eachother! =^.^=