My 11y daughter wants to tell her girl crush

Hi.
I have a daughter who is 11 years old. We recently had a conversation about crushes. It started when I asked if one of her friends had a boyfriend, we talked about how silly it was to have "boyfriends and girlfriends" when you are in middle school. I mentioned to her, that having crushes and liking people is normal, but that it is such an early age, many things can happen. I have always tried to be gender neutral with both my daughters when we talk about relationships, mainly because I want them to realize there are many types of relationships, not only heterosexual.
Anyway, this conversation ended with her telling me that she indeed had a crush, but that she was very confused and worried about it, because it was different.
I told her, "that´s ok. You can tell me if you want, or not, but I want you to know that I am willing to listen and I love you always. Whatever you feel, there is nothing ever that you can do to change that". So then she told me she had feelings for one of her best friends.
She said " I don´t know if this means that I am gay". and then asked me what I thought.

So, honestly...this was no surprise to me, but I didn´t want to tell her what I thought. I don´t want to influence her either way. So I said " I don´t know what it means. It means you like her. That´s it. You don´t need to give it a label. You may find that you don´t like her in a month, you might find you like her and a boy, or you might later realize you only like boys. That changes. You will figure it out eventually, but you don´t have to do it now. Just enjoy the feeling".

Later I told my husband, who basically told her the same: "we love you.Whoever you choose to love is fine with us, but take it slow. You are 11, you are not old enough to be in any relationship, you are old enough to explore, have friends and discover yourself".

So...here´s the question. We do believe that she is not old enough to act on her feelings, we had talked about this, it doesn´t matter if she is gay or straight. She is 11.

But, kids in middle school, and particularly her best friend, whom she has a crush on, is pressuring her to share who is her crush. Now this girl comes from a super conservative and frankly homophobic family. I have not intervened in the friendship, because she is a good kid, has the same interesests as my daughter. But now, I am so scared about what can happen to her. She has no idea how mean and ugly and cruel people can be. So, I don´t know if I should break this bubble and tell her, that if she opens up this early to this people, she is risking lots of tears.

Do I tell my daughter, lie don´t tell people who you are? Do I encourage her to be brave and open up? She is 11. What if she later changes her mind? or what if she is Bisexual?
this is a lot to understand for most adults. She is very mature, but I am sure her friends, and particularly their parents, are not as open.

I don´t want her to feel like she has to hide who she is, because she is amazing. But yet, I am so scared for her safety.

Thanks for your help.

 

Thank you so much to all of you for your kind responses.

Aldrick, you gave me a lot to think about.

As it turned out, I had a follow up conversation with her about the issue of telling her friend she had a crush on her.

Just in case this might help someone else, here´s how it went.

I asked her what had SHE thought about the issue. "So, your best friend, and the girl you have a crush on, wants you to tell her who do you like. Ok. How about we explore the possible consequences of each choice?"

These were my questions:

On one side, if you tell her and she likes you too, great. But then what? what happens if she tells her parents?.
She said that that would be a crisis, because her friend's parents are super christian conservatives, and probably would freak out and forbid her from being friends. "Well, and it is not even like I want to kiss her or hold hands, I just really like her, so that doesn't have to change", she said.

On the other side, if you tell her and she doesn't like you, what would happen? what if she freaks out?
that would be the worst.

If you liked a boy, and he asked you now who was your crush, would you tell him? She said no, I wouldn't, that would be awkward, because if he was my friend, then probably the friendship would change.

I told her, well what do you think you should do?
She said, that sharing who is your crush with your friends is a must, that in fact she knows her bf likes this guy. So she has to say something to keep the trust.

So, we thought it trough, and she came up with the idea of telling her that she currently has no crushes on any boys (true), that she had a crush on this guy back in June (true), and that she is more focused right now on her friends (true). And if the friend really presses for info. She will mention guys she thinks are cute, and that is it.

After that, I went back to talk to her about the issue of homophobia, and mentioned to her that, she is the only person who can decide what she likes, who she likes and who she is. I asked her, are you sure you only like girls? she said no, she had no idea. So I said to her, "well, you don't have to be sure, but, since you yourself are not sure yet, and you are still trying to figure this thing out, don't you think it would be wise to wait before telling other people? You can tell, but just be aware of the fact they also might not understand, they might have their own issues with it, and there might be a risk of alienating people right now, or risks for you from people who are afraid and are hateful of anything different".

She does not understand, and I realized is not aware, of hate crimes. So I had to tell her about Mathew Shepard. (I know this might be too harsh, but, I want her to know there is a real risk of telling the wrong people at the wrong time).
So we cried together for a while, then, we talked about safety and how you have to know people before telling them those things that are important to you.

We finished the conversation laughing, cause she asked me how did I know I was heterosexual and at what age I had figured out I liked boys. I said 5 years old in kindergarten, and I never questioned it, but that's just me. She thought that was hilarious.

Anyway, hope this narration helps someone else.

It helps me to share, and hear your comments and advice.

We have a long way to go, but if something I am sure, and thanks Aldrick for reminding me of that, is that speaking with the truth and from the heart is the only way to go.

Send you all my best in your journeys..
K