Ok first post and I'm terrified lol Kind of like if I don't actually say something then it won't be real and she can change her mind or I don't know, ok maybe I'm still just a bit in denial. My daughter is 12 years old and her being bisexual or possibly fully lesbian and possibly transgender is not a new thing and I'm at least mostly convinced this isn't a phase, although I remind her she is still young and may feel differently as she grows. I must say though that I AM SO OUT OF MY DEPTH!!!! My daughter is my world and her happiness means more than anything to me, but I don't think I'm doing much right. I'm looking for parenting advice and maybe some advice from those who went through some issues she will have to deal with so I can advise her. BTW my daughter's name is Rose and she has led a VERY sheltered and SAFE life. Some issues I'm having are things like: Family members are uncomfortable when Rose hangs out with girls and hug them and such, even if they are JUST FRIENDS. I would never let Rose be alone with a boy in her room with the door closed, but what about girls? I told her still never close her door with a boyfriend or girlfriend and that she needs to ask me for permission to close her door when a friend is over. (for watching videos and such if the house is loud or they need privacy to talk) I think I did ok with that one but it made me realize I cannot raise her like a straight child. I also talked to her and explained homophobia (she has never had to deal with it or other kinds of racism) and recommended she wait at least until she's 13 or 14 before she comes out at school because she may lose some friends and some may be hurtful. Was I wrong for giving that advice? Should have I just let her do whatever it is she would have done if I didn't say anything? Ok last issue for now..... She has a girlfriend..... *gulp*Help?
I think she's about the age where it's time to stop sheltering her, the longer you continue to do it the more it will hurt when she's not. If she does have friends who wouldn't want to be friends with her because of who she is, then what friends are they? The sooner those sort of people are out of your life the better. There is no set time to come out, no one who isn't ready to come out shouldn't but also anyone who feels comfortable in doing so shouldn't not do it.
The sheltering has been being minimized to almost non existence now but until she was 10 I was super overprotective and therapy has help me with that. She knows I still struggle, but I do my absolute best not to interfere unnecessarily. Probably why I'm so stressed with these type of things.
First of all, I'm sure many of us here are grateful for how you're trying to help and support your daughter. Many teens, and even adults on here don't have supportive parents and seeing parents on here is always nice The fact that you wrote this already means you're doing pretty well- To address your issues: Coming out- That's something, you obviously can't control. The best you can do is warn her, that there will likely be people who will disagree with her, insult her, and on some occasion- bully her for her sexuality (possibly gender). I think your telling her to come out later was justified, but it would be better to warn her and make sure she understands the possible consequences of coming out, and ultimately let her decide when she is ready to tell others. Telling others can be a good thing as well- I'm mostly out (But not to family) and it's such a relief that people know and I don't have to pretend to be interested on those conversations about boys... It also builds trust in friendships, and filters out people who don't accept who you are. So there are good and bad things about it, but if she's willing to face the possible issues that might arise, then she should probably go with it. Relationships As a fourteen year old with a girlfriend, my opinion is probably different than others on here, but.. Talk to her about physical boundaries in a relationship at this age. Such as- Kissing, sex, that stuff. Agree on the necessary boundaries, and see if she follows them. As for closing the door, it seems like a reasonable rule, but if she seems to want some private time with her boy/girlfriend, then maybe over time, you should consider occasionally letting her do so? Like you do with friends? As for her girlfriend, do you know her, where they met?
I appreciate your prospective on this subject since you are close to her age you may have more of an insight into her mind than I do. She met her at school and she seems like a wonderful person, definitely one of those kids parents are glad their kids are friends with. I also asked Rose if she preferred to be referred to as a he or she and picked he so that is how I will refer to him from now on.
Ok you should get this book which I find a good guide for parents. I bought it for my mom and it does help her. "This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life" by the creator of Everyoneisgay. It even helps to answer some of the questions you asked like what to do about friends coming over.
Wikkdmama you are off to a great start. The rules you laid down are important and are actually a form of acceptance of her orientation. You're treating her just like you would a straight kid. It is also a huge sign of trust that she came to you with this. As for the "uncomfortable" family members it will be your job to run interference and tell them to get over it. Even though she is entering the stage where she will be seeking more independence she will still be looking to you for guidance and protection. Your advice to wait a little bit before coming out at school was sound. You didn't tell her to not come out, that would have backfired, but to wait a little bit. Maybe ask her to let you know when she is going to come out so you can be prepared as well.
It's great first of all that you came here for advice, even if you're struggling. It's just great to see that you want to know how to help your child with this. It's also great that you're trying to use the pronouns he prefers because I'm sure he greatly appreciates that. I think it's definitely good that you talked about homophobia, because it's important that he's informed about it so that he can pay attention to what his friends are like and make the right decision. It's okay to have some denial at first. What's important is that you are putting in the effort to try and get over it. It's probably something your child has given a lot of thought to, and likely has known for a long time. So it's most likely not a phase. Even if you still think it could be, I would try not to press him too much about that. It's really something only your child can come to a conclusion on. Try not to think about it as "I can't raise my child like a straight child". Think about it more as raising your child specifically, because you're child is unique and it's about what you're comfortable with. Talk to him about the things you're not completely comfortable with, make sure he's informed so that he can make the decisions on his own. I know it's hard to let go sometimes, but without open communication and trust, children often rebel or try to figure things out on their own, often jumping into things they're not ready for or don't know much about. So the best thing you can do is be open with your child, keep him informed, and be understanding. Trust is a hard thing with kids sometimes so that's understandable. It's good that you're working on it and doing your best so I think you're doing fine ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2015 at 09:34 PM ---------- Also, I'm not a parent, but I think talking to other parents who are going through similar things with their own kids could help a lot. If you don't know anyone, you could join a PFLAG group or just keep coming on EC if you ever have any questions or concerns about any of this Best wishes.
Thank you all for your awesome support and answers to my questions. Thank you TheAnon32 that book sounds like exactly what I need. I really needed to talk, I told Rose yesterday I was on here and even shared with him some of your answers and the funniest thing was he was comforting me instead me comforting him (which he and I had a good laugh over before we switched to watching LGBT youtubers, Trent and Luke rock). I told him I was afraid I'd be hated on because I expressed feelings on here such as denial and fear, which he knows some of but not all nor does he push to know all of it because he respects my privacy as I respect his (for the most part). I looked up PFLAG before coming to this site and because of distance and medical issues that can leave me bed ridden for days I would be unable to make the meetings. Also in my heart I truly know this isn't a phase, the only thing that might just be a phase is him liking boys not girls. Hey truth be told my plan was to have a sex change and become a man at the age of 18 even though I am straight (BTW I'm 30) but then I had Rose 1 month before my 18th birthday and that was that. I made my decision and I'll support her regardless of what he decides.
It's nice to know both of you are feeling more comfortable, and kudos to you for being such an amazing mother to him
As a gay teenager, I may not have the most similar perspective to present, but hey, sometimes novel points of view can be illuminating, no? Anyway, I think you're doing a lovely job handling your child. Regardless of orientation, easing a kid into sexual activity slowly and gently, and keeping them out of too much while they're young (as you are doing) is ALWAYS a good idea. As for the rest of your concerns (of which I am sure you have more and perhaps subtler doubts than you have posted) I can't address them all, but keep in mind - being open-minded and actively trying to understand your child is a wonderful, wonderful start! Confusion is normal, and every parent-child relationship will have its own unique obstacles and solutions, especially in territory as unexplored as this; continue communicating and growing with her as you are and you'll do just fine: a little trial-and-error is nothing to be ashamed of (for fear of sounding whiny, at least you're doing infinitely better than my own parents, who threatened to send my gay friend to jail...). Best of luck and keep up the awesome work - you go, marvel mom! <3
If you can't make it to PFLAG meetings do check out the reading list (follow this link) PFLAG National and download the resources. The more information you have to hand the easier it will be for both of you. The fact that you are here and trying to understand makes you a great parent.
