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My brother is gay and I think I am too

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Abcdflower, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Abcdflower

    Abcdflower Guest

    I found out my brother was gay a couple of years ago, I was on his laptop and found porn.. At first I was shocked and overwhelmed as I was only 12 years old. I didn't bring it up or tell anyone but my sister. He soon finished school and began dressing as he pleased and became quite comfortable with himself.
    My parents had always sort of assumed but my mum brought it up a while ago and came to tears, however she is accepting but was just upset. My dad on the other hand asked me about it too and when I said of coarse he is gay, you have to accept him for who he is, he got so mad and told me he cannot speak about it and don't know if he ever will be able to and then asked if any other family members did.
    Now they both know, it's been quite some time however it's never brought into conversation anymore everybody just assumes. He never came out to any family, however he had a boyfriend which we found out about and he posts about him being gay on social media for everyone too see which I guess is his way of "coming out"
    For me, I've only very recently accepted that I am possibly a lesbian or bi sexual.
    I haven't told anybody, I'm so afraid too. It would be a massive MASSIVE shock to my parents where they wouldn't actually believe me. I'm extremely feminine, and I've always made out to be interested in boys and had a boyfriend at one time, however now looking back it all makes sense that I like girls as I had crushes on friends, and am madly in love with one at the moment too.
    I don't know how to go about it all?
    If I was to come out, I am not ready yet though, I mean in the future would you suggest I tell my brother first? We have never spoken about him being gay but he knows we all know, I just think he hasn't mustered up the courage to talk about it properly and I don't want that to be the case for me
    I'm scared aswell because I have this guilt that I'm disappointing my family by them having another gay child. I feel like a failure and that I'll never be able to tell them because I'll let them down...
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    If he has come out on Facebook, and you and he are friends on Facebook, then he know you know. If he has only a public profile, he still then knows you know.

    I would see no harm in finding a quiet place for you to talk to him and ask him about his experiences and share your feelings.
     
  3. Lindsey23

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    It should be pretty safe to tell your brother. You know he won't judge you for it and it's always best to tell supportive people first. Give yourself time, and come out when you are ready. Don't feel like you have to come out to everyone at once. Build up a network of supportive people before you come out to your parents. That way you have people to lean on if it goes poorly.
     
  4. TheBiBoy

    TheBiBoy Guest

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    All the above answers are quality and concise in my opinion so I would say follow their advice. I will just chime in here with my opinions on the matter.

    If you think you are gay, there is no problem with it. And I am sorry that your dad doesn't accept your brother, it is truly terrible when you have a parent(s) like that. So I do understand that it would be hard for you to be gay in a household with your dad being like that. I empathize with you but I am lucky with my dad being so supportive. I have yet to tell my mother and this may be hard on her.

    Again, talk to your brother. Surely he would be helpful as he is gay. He should tell you what it is like for him and tell you how he knew that he was gay. This may help you pinpoint your sexual orientation. Fantasizing about the same gender does not mean you are gay. But if you regularly fantasize and can see yourself being in a relationship with the same gender you are most likely gay. Do you still have feelings for guys? If so you may be bisexual. You may have a preference for the other gender or the same gender and you could just have 50/50 preference. Time will tell.

    The three main questions to ask yourselg to find out your orientation are as follows:
    1.Do you have sexual feelings for the same gender?:
    2.Do you see yourself being in a relationship with the same gender?
    3.Do you still have these feelings for the other gender?

    If yes on one and two and no on three it is likely you are gay but if yes on all three it is likely that you are bisexual.

    I hope I helped and good luck talking to your brother,
    Best Regards,
    TheBiBoy

    P.S: Plus if your brother has a public facebook account persuade him to change it to private and friends only. You don't know the people on the internet these days. They could bully him because he came out or even worse they may be perverts. Sorry if this is crude language and if I am freaking you out I apologize.
     
  5. bubbles123

    bubbles123 Guest

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    I think that regardless of your brother not being open about it with your family, he would probably really appreciate it and want to help you if you went to him for advice about this. And he'd probably be one of the best people to go to for advice, obviously, because he has the same parents.

    Secondly, you are not a failure. You can't control your feelings, and more than that, your feelings are not wrong because they are yours and they are true. The fact that you like girls does not make you any less and does not cause anyone harm, except your parents if they choose to feel that way. But that's not your fault. All you can do is be you.

    It may be hard for your parents to believe, and they may have a hard time accepting it, but remember this: regardless of how well/bad they are at accepting it, no matter what prejudices they may have, deep down they want you to be happy because you are their child and they love you. Even if they can't see that your happiness is different than what they're used to, that's something they can learn to accept.

    Also, it's probably hard because you know how they'll react because your they went through the same thing with your brother. But here's the thing: it doesn't have to be the same for you as it was with your brother. Yes, they'll have a hard time with it and ultimately it's up to them how they'll feel about it, but you have the power to try and help them understand. I'm guessing your brother isn't as close to your parents. Perhaps, if you try to keep open communication with your parents and try to stay somewhat close to them in the future, they can come to accept you better and be patient with it. I know this can be hard, and it's still on your parents if they choose not to be completely accepting, but try to be patient with them and maybe things will change because everyone can change.

    Another thing to consider - and maybe I'm reading between the lines too much on your post, but it seems like after your parents found out your brother was gay and reacted poorly, he probably maintained or greatly increased distance between him and your parents. Even if your parents don't accept him, it's sad for any parent when a child drifts away from them like that, especially if it was mostly their fault. So if you come out to them, one reason they may be upset as well is because they could associate you being gay with that sort of drifting away and they may fear the same thing will happen with you. So keep that in mind if you come out to them.

    I don't know how old you are but if you think it wouldn't be safe for you to come out to your parents, then don't make yourself because you certainly don't have to. You can confide in your brother most likely even if you don't tell your parents. And friends if you want to, but whatever you're ready for.

    And remember it is not their job to make you feel like a failure for who you are and even though they are your parents, they don't know best in this situation. Even if they don't understand where you're coming from, that does not make you a failure. In fact, you may not see it as such, but coming to accept it yourself even in that environment is an accomplishment all on its own and you should be proud of yourself.

    I wish you the best<3
     
    #5 bubbles123, Oct 18, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2015
  6. Abcdflower

    Abcdflower Guest

    Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.
    During the time my brother was ultimately "coming out" in his own way he was always angry and as you said very distant with my parents. He still is, he hardly is home or talks to them however I am quite close with my parents, much closer than he is with them so your advice gave me hope and made me feel much better.