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my son is gay but hasnt told me

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by shalor, Oct 18, 2015.

  1. shalor

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    I have a wonderful and amazing son who is 18 and gay, but he wont tell me. I guessed my son was gay a while ago and this was confirmed to me by my elder daughter, he confides in her and she felt she needed to tell me as my son went through a bout of depression last year and she felt I needed to know. I am so proud of my son and the man he has become him being gay is of no consequence to me whatsoever as he is an adult and his sexual orientation is his business. I just wonder why he wont also confide in me as I want him to feel comfortable and know that I have no problem with him and that his friends will always be welcome in our house. I don't want him to feel he has to lie about things as I realise how much stress this can put you under. My daughter says he is quite comfortable being gay and all his friends know, I was going to ask him but it is his business to tell me not for me to push him, what do you think?
     
  2. Maskell

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    Well, I wouldn't force it on him. You're definitely approaching it in the right way though. :thumbsup:

    Make sure he knows that you're comfortable with his orientation, and that it wouldn't change your views on any person. From then on, it's just a matter of time. He'll confide in you when he's ready.
     
  3. Distant Echo

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    Do you have Facebook? Post LGBT friendly stuff on there?
     
  4. Chiroptera

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    Hey shalor,

    Welcome to EC!

    It is wonderful to see that amazing parents like you exist. You should be proud of yourself, supporting your son is really a great thing.

    Don't be offended if he hasn't told you. Coming out is a delicate thing most of the time, considering the society full of prejudices we live in, and that makes it hard for someone to come out without fear of rejection.

    In my opinion, you shouldn't pressure him to come out to you. It is a personal thing, and he should be allowed to wait until he is confident enough.

    What you can do though is to drop small hints that can make him more confortable. For example, you could casually talk to him about the gay couple you saw in X movie, and that you think it is nice that LGBT people are being more accepted these days.

    If you drop some hints and he still doesn't come to talk to you, respect his decision. He will do that when he is ready.

    Again, thanks for being a great mom!
     
  5. bubbles123

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    Like the above posters said, dropping hints and showing that you're accepting of the LGBT+ community would probably be the best thing for you to do.

    And don't feel bad that he hasn't told you, sometimes coming out to people is just hard, especially with those you're really close to. Even the most accepting people sometimes. I guess saying it and showing a new part of yourself to those that know you the best is scary sometimes, even though you know they'd love you no matter what. Sometimes saying it out loud is just hard in itself. I'm sure he knows you love him and accept him and he'll tell you when he's ready to say it.

    I want to also say that it's really great to see how accepting and loving you are and I'm sure your son sees that too.

    I know it's hard to stay patient with something like this but just have faith that your son knows this and will tell you when he's ready. You can drop hints and show you are supportive, but just avoid saying anything that may make him feel pressured (eg asking about dating, etc.) But it's clear you're very supportive and so in time he'll tell you when he's ready:slight_smile:
     
  6. zigazigah

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    I'll say that in my own experience, definitely do not approach him with the "I already know" attitude haha. My own mother found out about an ex gf of mine when I was 18 and asked me if I was dating her one day over lunch and it caught me so off guard that I just reacted very poorly and shut down the conversation and denied it. It also was very uncomfortable to have my choice of how and when to come out to her taken away like that. He could be angry if he finds out that his sister outed him to you, and understandably so; try to be sympathetic and see things from his perspective.

    Like everyone else says, just show that you are an ally and if he wants to come out to you, he will do it in his own time. But also remember that he doesn't owe it to anyone to come out! I know for me personally I never plan to tell my own parents, no matter how accepting they may seem, simply because I do not feel like sharing that part of myself with them. That doesn't mean I don't love them or trust them, though. It's just a personal decision.
     
  7. shalor

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    Thank u all so much for ur comments, I'm glad I seem to be approaching this in the rite way. My daughter has told my son that I know he's gay and why doesn't he just tell me and he just says no, but I respect his reasons for this and will be there for when he does decide the time is rite. Can I just say u r all wonderful people and I am really pleased to be part of this amazing community, it is heartwarming how u all value each other puts the rest of us to shame. Xxx
     
  8. guitar

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    Shalor, it took me years to work up the nerve to tell my parents, and I knew they would be supportive. It's not a slight against you, nor does it mean you've done something wrong as a parent. Coming out is a difficult thing to do under the best of circumstances. Telling a parent is perhaps the hardest person to tell: you're not a friend who might be gone in a year. You're the one who's been there since day 1, and losing your family is almost always way more traumatic than losing a friend.

    Make sure you drop hints about LGBT stories and issues and let your son know you support LGBT causes.

    One thing you may want to do is find your son during a quiet moment when it's just you and him and tell him about a gay friend if you have one, or a story you read about a gay person.

    Use this to transition by telling your son that you will always love him and support him no matter what. My friend had his mom sit him down and say "I know." Just repeat that several times. Don't say you know he's gay or who told you. Just the words "I know. I love you, and I want you to be happy."

    Often times kids want to talk but suck at initiating the conversation. I know I did.

    Anyways, best of luck, and thank you for being such a wonderful & supportive parent. :slight_smile:
     
  9. shalor

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    Thanks for ur reply, I understand that coming out to parents can be traumatic and worrying and I respect that. I have taken on board ur comments with regards to chatting about gay people, my sons friend recently came out and my son told me and I said good for him and had no negativity at all which is hoe I truly feel anyway. My son has also had a close friend of his pop round now and again and stay overnight, I have since learned he was my sons boyfriend, which we did guess, and the have split up now and my son has gone to uni where he is very happy. My daughter told me when they split up my son was really upset and cried and it breaks my heart I can't comfort him or be part of this for him without letting him know I know. Ah well I will plod on and hope he lets me know when he ready. Xxxx
     
  10. Jamie1975

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    Just be there for him and it will pay off. You don't want to ruin your relationship with him by making him tell you before he is ready

    xx
     
  11. shalor

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    yeh I agree, i will always be there for him xxx
     
  12. crazydog15

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    First off, what you're doing already sounds awesome; you're doing a great job! :slight_smile:

    Second, while I'm sure it's difficult thinking your son isn't confiding in you, remember a couple of things. One, coming out to your parents is brutally difficult (I haven't done it yet). Two, your son is 18. Most 18 year olds I've known don't like telling their parents what they had for lunch that day. He's likely trying to build up his own life, a life independent from yours. Which I'd say is a good thing. Just give him time; as long as he knows you'll still love him and accept him after he comes out, he'll be sure to let you know. :slight_smile:
     
  13. Chicagoblue

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    Personally, i would stay away from the "I knew" or "I always knew" when the time comes.
     
  14. shalor

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    thanks for your comments, I agree with everything u say and will be ready to talk when he feels the time is right for him to talk to me. Feel a lot better sharing this with all of u thank u so much xxxxxx:smilewave
     
  15. baconpox

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    Don't bring it up, but be cautious of subtle homophobia and also I'd avoid saying "I always knew" but that really depends on your family dynamics.
     
  16. shalor

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    The problem I have got in this scenario is my husband, my sons stepfather, he has been fantastic to my son and daughter since we have been together 8 years. Previous to this, me, my son and daughter have had a pretty traumatic life, theyre real dad was an alcoholic who I lived with for 15 years and we had a pretty crap life, I just left him one day and took my son and daughter and nothing else even nowhere to live. Any way 8 years later we have a lovely life, ive remarried etc. However my new husband has said homophobic comments in the past, not in a aggressive way, but just about things u may see on tv programmes. I always ignored these comments or gave my point of view which is live and let live and since the realisation my son was gay I told my husband this must stop as it could well do immense damage and my son would obviously not tell us anything. I think my son doesn't want to come out to me as he thinks this would damage my relationship with my husband, which it wouldn't. I would always be there for my son and daughter anyway above anyone else as theyre my kids. My husband just needs educating and to broaden his mind and he has, but I hope my son isn't holding back because of this.

    ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2015 at 01:00 PM ----------

    hey crazydog15

    Can I ask, do u feel anxious or stressed not tellimg ur parents yet.
     
  17. rudysteiner

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    Shalor,

    I think it could be possible that your son isn't telling you he's gay because he may think that if you hear it from him, your attitude towards it may change completely and you may start to become homophobic towards him, even though from what you're saying, that certainly isn't the case.

    One of the reasons I haven't already came out to my mum is because of my step-dad. She isn't married to him but we call him that anyway because she's been with him for just under 10 years and he's been more of a dad than my actual one. They (mum & step-dad) have a pub together and he's the kind of person to serve a gay person who comes for a drink, and he'll slide the drink across the bar because he doesn't want to touch them by accident just because they're homosexual. I'm telling you that because he might feel slightly uncomfortably being openly gay in a house where his step-dad is showing signs of homophobia.

    Either way, I wouldn't press the issue. He might just want to wait until he's moved out of the house and has a place of his own or is at uni or whatever and then tell you when he's comfortable with himself.

    Also, I can't answer for crazydog, but I personally am terrified of coming out to my mum and family. I have sleepless nights over it sometimes and it won't even happen for another 2 years if I'm not outed before then. Fingers crossed.
     
    #17 rudysteiner, Nov 3, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2015
  18. europeanguy

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    im freaked out by this....im an 18 year old boy who is gay, i confided in my sister that i am gay and i suffer from large bouts of depression (for no reason) and sometimes i talk about it to myself and sometimes i say things from it that my sister hears, all my friends know im gay as well (but i only have 1 friend haha) I was seriously scared when i read the OP, like it could litterly be my mother posting that. but luckily, you live in bristol where as I (and my parents) dont. as a person in this exact situation (except unconfirmed if my mother knows or not...she has probably guessed though as she uses gender neutral terms when talking about my love life as if she doesnt want to say the gender) I can say that the reason I havent told my parents is the fear of change, the change in what my parents might think of me (even though they would fully accept it and be happy for me) the potential (although masked) disapointment that i wont carry on their genes and give them grandchildren. so in short even though it would be perfectly alright to tell them and i know that, the feeling that i have betrayed them is preventing me from telling them. just thought id say something since im in the same situation except that im the son and not the mother. id also like to add that my dad says homophobic things (as a joke, so he says) alot and the fear that he might make these comments relentlessly (as he likes to make fun of the people he loves from time to time) is also a factor keeping me in the closet, so id suggest maybe your current husbands comments could have been heard by him and could also be a factor to him not telling you incase your husband finds out.

    this is perfect advice, i personally would feel very betrayed that they knew the whole time yet didnt say anything and let me believe i was safe in the closet
    .
     
    #18 europeanguy, Dec 10, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2015
  19. gravechild

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    He could have many reasons: fear of how you might react, wanting his own sense of privacy from parents, working up the list, from less important people to most (you'd think it would be the other way around, but take guitar's point about a friend being gone a year from now).

    I'm sure he'll come around sooner or later, so all you can do is show you're supportive, informed, and accepting to LGBT issues. One thing I've noticed a lot of mothers do is take it as a personal offense. He's not obligated to come out, but since you seem to have a healthy relationship, I'd say it's more a matter of when.

    One of my uncles is so effeminate, and everyone whispers, but he hasn't officially come out to anyone yet. It could be due to growing up religious, in a culture that stresses family and masculinity. He also went through a depression. Still, it's better than being left wondering! He doesn't sneak around, just doesn't blurt his sex life out in public.
     
  20. shalor

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    Hi European Guy,
    I feel for u worrying about coming out to ur parents, let me assure u as a mother, when my son comes out to me I wll offer nothing but support and love to him my feelings towards him will not change, he is still my son, his sexual orientation is not my business and doesn't worry me at all, as long as he is happy I am happy. I have given him plenty of opportunity to share his feelings with me, I am not offended that he hasn't come out to me yet, I understand now that this is a part of his life he may not wish to share with me yet and I accept that.

    It sounds that ur parents will be nothing but supportive to u and I feel sad that u still don't feel able to share this with them, but I do understand.

    One day Im sure u will get pass this challenge with ease and laugh at wat u were worried about.

    In the meantime I send all my love to u and wish u well, don't worry everything will be fine. xxxxxx