Hello, I'm new here I was searching the internet for support groups to find help. My son is 14 he will be 15 in January. He is feminine and I've heard that people has called him gay. My daughter said she saw a gay website on his cell phone . I am just very scared and unsure about what to do. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if I should ask him and to tell you the truth I'm terrified to ask him. I don't want him to feel alone but I don't fully agree about homosexuality just because it's not what I was taught . I called a psychiatrist to maybe see if he might need therapy. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. I know if I ask him and he says he is our family and friends may not want any part of us. I'm crying just typing this. I just don't know what to do.
I highly recommend that you check out PFLAG. I'm not sure where you live, but there probably is a PFLAG chapter within driving distance of you. I also recommend talking to him about being safe online if you haven't already. I think it's generally best to let someone come out to you on their own terms. However, in the meantime: What do you mean by this? This is something that you and your son could both greatly benefit from you going to PFLAG. What your son really needs to hear from you - in both words and actions - is that being gay is OK. It sounds like you've been taught that being gay is something bad or something to be ashamed of, which is something that I think you'll probably need to work on before he'll be comfortable being out to you.
I think it would be best not to ask him about it. Even if you were completely accepting and completely supportive, it would make him feel unsafe and threatened just to know that you found out without him telling. I can say from personal experience that it's very hard for someone who's gay or transgender to feel at peace with parents who disagree. My parents have tried to be loving while still believing I'm wrong, but I still feel somewhat isolated from the family. What you believe about homosexuality is ultimately up to you, and no one here can force you to change your mind, but I can at least encourage you to reexamine your beliefs and consider whether they are true. This site has a lot of helpful resources for parents, so that would be a good place to start.
You need to unconditionally love your son and make sure he knows it through your words and actions. My parents had no idea I was gay until I told them and they felt terribly guilty about things they had said about LGBTQ issues. It's is very important to not talk negatively of any LGBTQ person or issue. This will show your son that you think it's completely ok to be gay. At the same time, however, its important to not let on that you know. This cloud easily make him very uncomfortable, especially if he thinks you will not love and accept him. Second, homosexuality isn't some thing you can "agree" with as it is not in any way a choice. Science has concluded that being gay is primarily determined by genetics and is likely determined before birth. Most importantly your son needs to know that you love and accept him unconditionally. It doesn't matter who he loves.
this sentence really bothers me. What do you think the therapy might do? Change his mind? If so. No. Just no. To help him come to terms with being gay? Maybe. But for yourself. It might be a good idea to talk this through with someone. There is nothing wrong with your son.
I strongly agree with this. Twinning, so-call "reparative therapy" has proven time and time again to be very harmful. Gay affirmative therapy (i.e., therapy to help him love himself as a gay guy), can be very beneficial for those gay guys struggling to accept their sexuality.
I would suggest avoiding asking him or making him think you suspect it for now, because this could make him panic and deny it which wouldn't be good for him, and cause him to try and hide it more. It's best for him to come out in his own time, but the best thing you can do in the meantime is show your own support and love for him. He's your son and even though you may have trouble accepting that he may be gay, the point is that you love him and so it's most important you continue to show him that. From now on, avoid any possibly homophobic comments and also avoid asking him about girls and dating because this may make him feel pressured. If you feel he's having emotional issues at all though, then you should probably get him help if you feel that's best like the above commentors said. It's great to see that you came here for help despite how you feel about homosexuality. Like the other posters said, PFLAG could be helpful and also being more informed. Beyond being raised that way, why specifically do you disagree with homosexuality? Ask yourself these things and maybe you could look into it more and see that it's different and become more accepting for your son. I don't know if you follow the Bible or not, but if you do I recommend watching this video about homosexuality in the Bible: [YOUTUBE]ezQjNJUSraY[/YOUTUBE] Good luck!
Oof. As a person who didn't come out until after his teenage years, I can say one of the worst things you can do for your child is outright ask him if he's gay. There's a big chance that he hasn't accepted himself yet and he's still trying to discover his sexuality. If you ask him if he's gay, he's going to get very defensive and close you out - you don't want to do that. You have to wait for him to come to you. I recommend just being open to loving him, and telling him that no matter what happens, you'll still love him no matter what. Maybe you can hint at the gay thing by including something about homosexuality in your next discussion. Maybe talk about a story of a parent who stopped loving their child because they were gay, and tell your son that you would never do that to him if he happened to be gay. That way, you're not accusing him of being gay, but you're letting him know that you're there for him once he's able to come out. If your family/extended family is highly against it, there's really nothing you can do. Asking him to hide it for the sake of pleasing your other family isn't reasonable, and can end up hurting him a lot. All I can say is - you seem like a very concerned parent and you want what's best for your child, and that's something not a lot of parents can do. It's admirable, and I wish I had a parent that was like you. This is coming from a person who had very homophobic parents. I felt alone and unloved, and I wish I could have been accepted for something that I couldn't change.
Yeah, assuming your son is gay, it sounds like you'll have a coming out journey of your own to go along with his. As someone who's currently coming out as gay, here's how it's breaking down for me: 60% is a paradigm shift in how I view homosexuality, right, and wrong (Is what my parents taught me actually right? Or is it just what my community expects me to believe?), 30% is learning more about myself and my new, LGBT, community, and 10% is actually getting the nerve to tell someone that I'm gay. The paradigm shift was, and still is, the hardest part. No one here can tell you how to lead your life, and I expect no one here knows what your community, family, and friends are really like. I can speak from my own experience that mine are largely, to put it nicely, set in their ways. I am worried about what people may think of me if/when I do tell them about this sexual part of me. But crushing a part of myself in order to satisfy them, or, more accurately, what I think they want to think about me, is not something I'm comfortable with anymore.
Thirded. That tends to harm more than help, because homosexuality is not a choice, it's an inborn trait, and trying to change that in someone is very harmful. Second, don't confront him about it. Let him come out to you on his own time. He might not even be gay. Let him figure things out, and I think you should become more familiar and comfortable with LGBTQA issues and voice your support. You need to be there for your son, even if you were raised differently.
Hey I do agree with the above but I also think we really need to commend Twinning for seeking out EC, signing up and writing that post, I think the fact she did that means she really loves her son and if it turns out he is gay she does want to accept him. So :eusa_clap:eusa_clap to her for coming here. I agree with no asking your son, just try and show him that you will love him whatever will help him and if he is gay, he will tell you when he is ready.
I've always taught my kids that people are equal and that being gay isn't wrong but I guess it's different when it's happening to you personally. I've taken them to a gay pride parade a few years ago. I have gay friends . If someone makes a nasty comment about gay people around my son I shut the person down and tell them everyone has a right to be who they feel they are...... But at the same time I feel so terrified and torn about my son possibly being gay. I don't want him to be but that's my child I will support him . I'm going to look for pflag and see if there's a chapter in my area.
I thank everyone for their posts. I just want what's best for my son. I never had a problem with gay people. I have gay people in my family and gay friends and I defend gay people when people say nasty things. But thinking about my son possibly being gay has me feeling sad and torn. He will say someone messed with him at school and he's gotten into fights and I ask him why did they want to fight you and he just says idk. So I make it clear to him if they hit you you beat the crap out of them. A boy moves here from another country an spit in his face . He won't tell me everything but I tell him just be yourself no matter what it is . Just keep your head up and be proud . I won't ask him, I really didn't want to because I'm scared of the answer anyways. So I'm glad you all think I shouldn't. I wasn't going to have him go to therapy to change him but to help him if he needed to let something out. I don't think being gay is a choice. My son has been a little feminine since he was 4 years old, he used to put a towel on his head and pretend it was long hair . I would tell him stop you're not a girl. I would tell him not to play girls games etc....I don't want him to be gay to be honest but I won't forsake him. That's my son I gave birt . And regardless if I agree with it or not I will be always be in his corner if no ones else is. I just need to find a way to except it if he is indeed gay and to help him on this journey.
To the original poster: First of all, thank you for joining this website for support. There are a lot of parents like yourself who genuinely want the best for their kids, and for their kids to feel loved and supported. For this, I give you the utmost praise. Simply put: you're doing it right as a parent. With regards to what you were taught when you were younger: there's no easy/sugar-coated way to say this, but you were taught wrong. Those were different times with different attitudes. For one thing, we knew a lot less about actually being gay. For another, the only thing most people knew about being gay was that it was associated with a horrible epidemic known as AIDS. Did you know anywhere between 5-10% of people IN THE WORLD are gay/LGBT? That's anywhere from 500 million to 1 billion people. How can that be wrong? With regards to what you should for your son. Kids need time to sort through this stuff. Even though I know I had feelings toward guys when I was your son's age, I wasn't even emotionally ready to look at gay websites or anything of the sort - and that wasn't even 15 years ago. It has taken me years (and many other people on this site as well) to really sort through my feelings toward guys, realizing I'm gay, and being able to accept it. Your son will likely need this time as well. He's new to puberty and raging hormones. He might know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's gay. Some LGBT people have known literally their entire lives since 4-5 years old. Most discover that in puberty. Others think they're gay and discover they're not. Others still - like myself - think they're straight until they get older. Social pressures (among many other factors) can do that. For right now, I wouldn't approach your son directly about his sexuality. For one thing, like I said, he's probably still trying to figure it out and come to terms with it. For another, it can be very difficult to talk to a parent about. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or trust you. It took me years to tell my mom and she's the person I love and trust the most in the world. Males especially have difficulties expressing this sort of thing. It takes us time. What you can do in the meantime is make positive remarks about LGBT issues. If a topic comes up at dinner, maybe about the recent Kim Davis thing, let your son know you support LGBT people. Maybe mention an upcoming pride. Maybe start watching a show like Modern Family with gay characters. And absolutely remind your son that you love him. You don't need to make it obvious you're talking about his sexuality. Just let him know you love him no matter what. Anyways, you're doing the right thing by taking a look around. The LGBT world can be a bit scary and daunting. But it's filled with wonderful people and your son can absolutely live a normal and happy life. Especially with a loving family behind him. Feel free to take a look around this forum. There are a LOT of parents here with stories similar to your own. If you want to talk more, feel free to go to my wall and write me a message
It's ok to feel sad and upset at the thought your son might be gay, as a parent it can be a difficult process accepting it too. It might be that if it turns out he is gay you need to grieve for the straight son you thought you had and that's ok. It's also natural to be scared for the difficulties your son may face if he is gay. The most important thing for him is to know you love him whatever happens and you got that sorted so I think he will be just fine.
Thank you so much Guitar. I will not bring it up and I will be sure to talk positive about the lgbt community. I'm learning a lot from this site. Silverhalo I feel like I'm in mourning for some reason. What you said that explained exactly what I'm feeling.
Parents always have hopes and dreams for their children and often them finding a husband or wife is a big one, having them get married and settle down. Him potentially being gay doesn't mean those things are impossible but it just changes the way they may look and sometimes that takes a bit of getting used to.
You say you have gay family members and gay friends, and if anyone talks badly about gays you "shut them down." Then keep practicing what you preach, and become even more of an advocate for it. Like you said, this is your son, your baby that you gave birth to. Is he a good person? Does he make you smile? He is as innocent as he would be otherwise, and it is your job to always love and protect him, and it sounds like that is what you feel. You just seem afraid of what others will think, and I can tell you, he's probably a lot more freaked out than you are. I bet your son is a beautiful person, and if he is gay--which hasn't even been confirmed for you yet, and only will be when HE decides to tell you--he is still just as beautiful of a soul who needs his mom and any other family members who have always loved him. He can still have everything in the world; an amazing job, an amazing marriage, and little grandbabies for you to play with. I suggest that you come to terms with whatever it is that bothers you or makes you uncomfortable about him possibly being gay. Maybe you in particular would like to seek out therapy, or join same LGBTQ parent groups and forums like EC to learn more and connect with others who have, or have had the same fears as you are having right now. I commend you for coming on here. It shows how much you love your son. And if he doesn't even turn out not to be gay, at least you'll have a different view on a situation that is frightening you so much. I really don't see a place for homophobia or upset over same sex relationships in the future -- we fall in love just like you and everyone else does, which should go without saying, but I understand that it is hard to accept when you're not in the same position and have very set world views. Be one of those hip mamas and get with the times! You're all going to be A-OKAY! You just keep raising that boy of yours, and being his mama, and loving him to bits so he can grow up to be the amazing person he is. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
