Please help me support my daughter

Do you feel like she is struggling? If she seems completely fine, I wouldn't really mention it as it can cause her to withdraw. Let her come out to you in her own time. When I was a teenager, one of the worst things my family/friends did is ask me if I was gay when I wasn't ready to come out.

Meanwhile, try to talk about homosexuality in a non-targeting way, and mention how you think being gay is fine with you. At least she'll have that in her head as she's growing up and recognizing herself as lesbian (if she is).

 

Exactly, and you're doing what you can to be a good parent. She is probably JUST discovering herself and isn't 100% sure yet.

 

I think the best you could do for her is make sure she knows that she will be supported no matter what.
From what you said, it sounds like she may be questioning/or figured out she isn't straight. To support her with that, like the above poster said, you could bring up LGBT topics and talk about them in a positive light. Be open, let her know she can talk about anything with you. Even if this has nothing to do with sexuality, let her know she can be supported. I know how hard it is to feel like I have to hide things from peers and parents, and I'm sure others here know that all too well- From posting, it's obvious that you care and are willing to support her, so I hope things go well for you.

 

I like you! I'm in much the same boat, but you're more observant than me. My daughter is about the same age as yours, and she came out very recently. I didn't see it coming.

Fortunately, my immediate reaction was very much the same as yours and we're all proud of her and we're having a small celebration for her this weekend.

There are many people on this board with far more experience in this than I have, and I wouldn't dare offer you any advice. But, I've been thinking about what I might have done, if I had suspected that she was wrestling with her identity in that way. I think I'd have tried to drop some very obvious hints that I was broad minded and not a homophobe. Perhaps I'd have read some books and watched some DVDs that have positive messages about gay people, and made sure she knew about it. If I'd found this website, I might have left it on the screen when I was away from the computer. I might have tried to have a meal time family discussion about a coming out story I'd read.

It is difficult. I learned something very important about myself when my daughter came out. I was pleased that my emotions were the right ones, and sincere, but I couldn't have known beforehand exactly how I would feel. It's good that you have the chance now to think about it in advance.

 

Two little things:

1. You absolutely need to watch what you're saying around her. I don't mean just avouding obvious homophobic stuff like using the derogative terms or commenting negatively on LGTB political rights discussions. But also the little things, like maybe criticizing an actress or female news anchor for not looking feminine enough. Believe me, your daughter will notice anything like that right now and think it's a sign of you being unconsciously homophobic. My much elder brother once made a reference to an out gay politician's sexuality in a list of his signs of incompetency, and that's how I know never to come out to him (well, it wasn't just that, but it stood out). I mean, he didn't say that the politician's sexuality made him unfit for the job, but the fact that he even thought that it was relevant to the discussion (which was about economic policy) at all, speaks volumes.

2. If your daughter likes to read, maybe you could gift her with some novels that have lesbian characters this Christmas? Not ONLY books about lesbian romance, mind you, that would seem to her like you're pushing her to come out to you. But if there's 4 hetero books, one about gay men and and one with a lesbian romance (preferably recognisable from the blurb, so she can be sure you knew it when you bought it), it just comes across as you being cool with all of the above. I never was so surprised or so pleased as when I found a historical novel featuring gay central characters in my parent's library.
I can only give you suggestions from the High Fantasy and Scifi genres, but I liked "Sing the Four Quarters" by Tanya Huff (pregnant bisexual heroine in an open relationship with a woman, and with a gay best friend side character, in a happily oppression-free society) and "Dust" by Elizabeth Bear (mostly lesbian heroine in love with an asexual woman and hooking up with a male-identified intersex person at one point). Both are very low on sex scenes, if that's something you're still worried about at your daughter's age. "Luck in the Shadows" and " Stalking Darkness" by Lynn Flewelling are very fun and have bisexual male main characters (though the romance only really starts in the second book), and "Carnival" by Elizabeth Bear is about a gay male couple dealing with oppression. The latter has two very vague sex scenes, the former has a number of brief, non-graphic hetero scenes, but the male couple only gets to the kissing stage in those first two books in the series.

 

Your daughter could just be curious/questioning. Another approach may be to show an interest in the books. See if she's willing to share what it was about, what she thought of them. Maybe see if she would lend it to you to read. Then you could discuss your thoughts on the story. Unless these are some sort of racy lesbian romance novels.

 

the only thing you have to do is love her whether she is a lesbian or not and you are already doing that. parents want to protect their child from any problem or conflict but you can´t do that. she has to come to terms with the idea of being part of a minority still discriminated and disapproved by part of the society she lives in. accepting that and growing to overcome the consequences is a path she´ll have to walk alone. She´ll cry and hurt and struggle because of it but the only thing you can do is follow walk by her side so she knows she's not alone. you´ll do it perfectly ok, don´t worry about that

 

You are awesome! Don't worry about that too much, she is probably just trying to figure it out herself and, knowing how supportive you are, I'm sure she will come out as soon as she feels comfortable with it herself and if it verifies.

Don't worry, it'll be fine and you're doing just great!

I wish all parents were like you!

 

This. All I have to say is... If you wanted advice, this is some great advice. You sound like a great father, so kudos to you! :eusa_clap

 

Hi Bulldogge

It is so difficult to know how to support your child in the best way isn't it!!
I would just ensure that she knows that you are going to be supportive if/ when she comes out.
After my daughter came out she told me that she know I would be cool about it, high praise from a teenager indeed

x

 

Bulldogge: Congrats for being an awesome dad!! But remember: NEVER say your daughter you will love her no matter what when talking about her sexual orientation!! My mom did that and it made me feel AWFUL and SICK OF HER

 

I think you are an awesome dad for saying this, I truly do. Maybe a good idea is to, if it comes up, make a quick comment about your opinion. For instance, if you are watching the news together or something and theres a story up about something related, you could say something like "I don't get why people are so negative about people being gay, it's just how they are, theres nothing wrong with that!" or anything like that, you get the message. These quick comments will be extremely clear to your daughter, and will give a very good indication of your thoughts Stay awesome!

 

Well, if my parents had talked to me about lesbian and gay relationships before I came out it would have been WAY easier. All I suggest is talk to her. Don't say right out, "Are you lesbian?" but say, "I think lesbians are cool" or something like that!

 

Wow, you seem to be such as supportive father.

If I were your daughter (who I can relate to quite strongly because I am also in my teen years), I would want to know that my dad is supportive of gay relationships. I wouldn't want you to put the question right out there, like "Are you a lesbian?" or anything even questioning my sexuality because I know I would deny it if asked directly. I think if you told her indirectly that you strongly support gay relationships, and have no problems with it, then I think she might be more comfortable coming out to you (if she decides too).

Keep being supportive though, stay cool!

 

I think by the time my daughter was six, not sixteen, six, she knew whether she could feel comfortable telling me the truth. A lot of parents freaked out when their kids broke something or made a really big mess. I once painted a rug with liquid shoe polish when I was four. They freaked about that. OK. I would too. But they freaked about alot less important shit than that. Look, I'm not naive. I ask my 16 year old about anything and all I get is one syllable answers. What should you do? You just got to love her to death. She doesnt want your advice. Probably not your approval. What she wants is to feel safe. To not to be afraid of you. Or need to hide something from you. And by the way. I'm glad my daughter isn't following the crowd and hooking up with some football jock who wants a personal cheerleader. But whatever you do, don't make her feel that you are embarrassed by her decisions. That's about the worst pain a kid can feel. Trust me. I know.

 

These are all good posts from others, and I agree with much of what they say.

One thing: don't forget about the possibility of bisexuality. She sounds like she might be lesbian from what you say but you also might want to educate yourself on bisexuality just in case it comes up. Most straight people know even less about it than they do about being gay; and what they "know" is often wrong.

Of course, I'm NOT suggesting that if she comes out as lesbian you should question her or tell her to try being bi. Just educate yourself to be prepared for both contingencies.