And I wish he would come out to me. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm not about to ask him, I don't think that is the way to go. He hates when I ask questions about school and what he had for lunch, so asking about his sexuality....nope. He is 17 and it hurts me to think he is struggling with something and feels he can't talk to me. I don't even know if he IS struggling. I think he may be out with one of his friends, who called him Bromo in front of me. He looked panicked when it happened; I asked him what it meant (I was pretty sure it meant a non-flamboyant gay guy) and he said it was a chemistry term. Do I just wait? Is there anything I can do to encourage him to open up. He has 2 brothers and as far as I know, he has not opened up to them either. If he has, they are not sharing that with me (which I agree with - not betraying his confidence). I feel like I am constantly telling him "you can talk to me, tell me anything, I will always love you" in the hopes of getting him to open up. He just says "I know". I think he may also be concerned with his dad's reaction if he were to come out....I know he would not take it well, he would not be supportive in the beginning. He speaks first, thinks later. I thank you all for any words of wisdom or advice you can give me.
I think you should stay supportive let him decide when to come to you. Are you open with talking about gay things in your home. Sometimes just reactions to seeing something gay on TV or in public gives off a cense...like turning your head making a eww sound that sort of thing people do subconscious. I'd look for opportunities that you can give a positive reaction to a gay situation its hard to explain or give example as I'm not how much of a dialog you have with him.. When I was younger my mother always said I could come to her and I could with most everything but her body language towards gay things on TV kept me in the closet and in denial of my being gay for a long time. He might not be ready to come out right now I had a friend I was out to and only him for a long time but even though we were not dating in the dating turns we were experimenting with each other so it was easy to keep our secret cause neither one of use were going to risk being outed by telling on the other and to the world we were just the best of friends.
Hi and welcome, shiraz! I think it's great that you're trying to be sipportive and letting him know you love him no matter what. I don't really have any advice or suggestion, but what I thought when I read your post was - talk to your husband. If your son is not stragiht, your husband's attitude may be the reason why your son doesn't feel comfotable coming out to you. Don't try to force your son out, he'll come out (if he's gay/bi/other) whenever he's ready, on his own terms. What you can do is keep being awesome and supportive and don't forget to tell him how much you love him, let him know that you're fine with LGBT people and casually show him that you're open minded and it wouldn't matter to you if one of your kids was LGBTQIA.
Here's something I wrote to another parent in a very similar situation. I don't feel like re-writing it, so I'll just copy and paste it: Shiraz, it took me years to work up the nerve to tell my parents, and I knew they would be supportive and already were pro-LGBT. It's not a slight against you, nor does it mean you've done something wrong as a parent. Coming out is a difficult thing to do under the best of circumstances. Telling a parent is perhaps the hardest person to tell: you're not a friend who might be gone in a year. You're the one who's been there since day 1, and losing your family is almost always way more traumatic than losing a friend. Make sure you drop hints about LGBT stories and issues and let your son know you support LGBT causes. One thing you may want to do is find your son during a quiet moment when it's just you and him and tell him about a gay friend if you have one, or a story you read about a gay person. Use this to transition by telling your son that you will always love him and support him no matter what. My friend had his mom sit him down and say "I know." Just repeat that several times. Don't say you know he's gay or who told you. Just the words "I know. I love you, and I want you to be happy." Often times kids want to talk but suck at initiating the conversation. I know I did. Anyways, best of luck, and thank you for being such a wonderful & supportive parent. If you want to chat more, please go to my profile and write on my wall
Thank you all for your responses! Biker boy - "Are you open with talking about gay things in your home." Absolutely. I had a lot of gay friends in the 80s, before I got married and had kids - and my kids know this. One of my friends in junior high was transgendered (we didn't know it back then, he just wore the same jeans and blouses we did). I hope I am relaying my experiences in a positive light but I'm questioning that right now. I'll have to ask my other kids what they think when I talk about those days. The friend that I think he may be out to is a girl who also happens to be gay, so they are definitely not dating, but I think she may be his source of support. Van - "your husband's attitude may be the reason why your son doesn't feel comfotable coming out to you" - that's exactly how I feel, and yet I don't want to talk to my husband about this because I don't want him to confront our son. I don't want an ugly situation. If my son would talk to me about it...then I would be able to soften the blow with my husband. I am not looking forward to that. I know it will be okay after a few days, but initally...ugh. You're right though, I do need to talk to him, but without mentioning I think one of the kids is gay. Guitar - "It's not a slight against you, nor does it mean you've done something wrong as a parent." Thank you for that. I have one kid that tells me everything, and 2 that tell me nothing. It's hard as a parent when you think your kids are hiding things from you, but its got to be 100 times harder for you kids when you feel you have to hide things from your parents. So glad I posted in here, thanks again
Let's think about some proactive things that you can do to make his life easier if he is gay. Obviously, you are taking the most important one right now. You are doing your best to make it clear that you are pro-gay and that you'll continue to love him "no matter what". While this isn't getting you the results that you want, you should obviously keep doing this, because if he is gay there will come a time when he *WILL* be ready to share this with you. The next most important thing that you can do at the moment, is continue to push him toward his close circle of friends. These are the people you suspect that he is out too, particularly his female friend who you know is a lesbian. He isn't turning to you for support, but knowing that he HAS support from other people--even if it isn't you--is hugely important. Push and promote those friendships, as those are his support network. The next major thing that you can do, especially given his age, is begin planning for the future. Particularly, you want to focus on college, and you want to push him toward a college that you know is liberal and has an active LGBT population. You can usually figure that out by Googling. Once he is out from under your roof, this will allow him to build some independence, and hopefully start forging authentic relationships where he is fully out to everyone. This will make it easier for him to eventually come back home and reveal the truth to you. Aside from this, when you hear or see your husband say something anti-gay, speaking up and voicing your opposition--especially if it is in front of your son--is important. You are setting the tone for the environment, and you are letting your husband know that you don't find that type of behavior tolerable. This will also hopefully begin paving the way for the inevitable confrontation if/when he does come out to you, and he has to come out to his father as well. I think it is important to understand that, in these types of situations, your silence could be interpreted as your agreement even if it is only a desire to avoid confrontation.
I think guitar made some really good points. I too knew my parents were supportive and that they knew before I told them. However I just wasn't ready to say it to them when they wanted to. I hardly had come to terms with it myself never mind telling them! Also I wouldn't worry much about hardships. As long as they have a strong group of friends and the family is supportive I dont think there is much to worry about in Winnipeg.
Everyone said what needs to be said I just wanted to say that don't rush it and don't pressure him! Maybe he is not really gay and things get awkward! The best thing you can do is the thing that moms do best, mak him feel loved and safe!
Assumptions are like butts every one has one and nobody wants to hear it. - LoL I am transgender, A male to female person, I still suffer from depression and anxiety issues, I was bullied, People lied about me when they didn't understand or know me, claimed I was gay when I am not, Some probably talked bad about me behind my back. I made several attempts at coming out or trying to help educate my parents or help them understand, I tried subtle at first, Then as I felt rejected more began to draw attention to my self, When I did not get enough attention or when people seemed to ignore me I felt more depressed, I just wanted to feel connected to other people and understood, I wanted to feel accepted. I came out as transgender to my parents, They both responded with shock and denial and would not accept it, they won't talk about it at all, it's obvious to me that they don't care about me or else they would respect me like an adult which I am. I am out now, no idea what to do, I feel differently than before. I love both of my parents and just want them to try to understand rather than resorting to fear tactics driven by religion.
If I could ask how is your relationship overall with him? Personally, I'm not out to my parents because our relationship is very strained and frankly, it's just not something I want to talk to them about.
I would suggest you follow what everyone else said, but I wanted to add that if you search "bromo" in the urban dictionary, then you will find that your suspicions are a reality. "Bromo Dudes that happen to be gay, but aren't flamboyant at all. Prefer to go drink beer at a buddy's place, rather than go to the gay bar and pay for overpriced cocktails and listen to bouncy, campy club songs. A bromo is not conceited in his looks, but is still put together decently, groomed but not over plucked." - Urban Dictionary.
I'm kind of in the same situation as your son (if he is gay). My mom seems to be more supportive than my dad, even though both of them are quite insensitive with the topic. I think they don't suspect me to be gay at all. I thought my mom would be very supportive, but her recent comment kind of changed my views. She said, "It must be hard having a gay son. I would support my son but I wouldn't really be happy about it." So quite honestly, your son is in a better situation than me. I can promise you though his father's reaction scares him, especially if your son is quite masculine because he has probably struggled with the fact that he is gay. Truthfully, your son may just not be ready. I finally accepted myself about 6 months ago as gay (after trying to believe I was straight or bisexual for about 8 years) and I still don't feel ready to tell my parents. I would say just say continue being supportive and your son will tell you when he is ready. I'm sure you are not the problem - you sound like a very accepting mother, which is something I really appreciate and admire. When he is ready, he will come to you and he will know you are supportive. If you don't mind me asking, other than the 'bromo' comment, what other signs make you believe he is gay?
