Since this summer, my 13 yo daughter has been wanting to dress more masculine and has asked everyone to call her by a male name. She also was putting up rainbow flags in her room, and reading a fiction book about a transgender teen. I tried to open the door to the conversation for her, but she didn't bite. I've read that it is better for someone to "out" themselves, so I've just remained supportive and open to talk. After several anxiety attacks over the last few weeks, and other concerning episodes (non-LGBT related) she told us that she had something she wanted to tell us, but didn't feel like she could. We have always told her no matter what we will ALWAYS love her. My husband and I have always been supportive of the gay community, and while typically more conservative, this is one area we are more liberal in. We've had open and positive discussions about gay marriage, Caitlin Jenner, etc. We also have several family members that are in long term (20-40 year) relationships with their same sex partners, and while we have lived far away from these family members up until this year, we have always maintained positive relationships with them. After another anxiety attack on Sunday, my daughter finally told my husband that she has been questioning her gender. However, she told him she is scared to tell me, which kind of breaks my heart. She was ok with my husband telling me, but he encouraged her to talk to me as well. That evening, I told her I love her, and that when she is ready to talk, I will listen. She still hasn't talked to me, and I can tell she is trying to avoid me, so that the opportunity does not come up. I want to continue to support her doing this in her own time, but I want to also make sure she knows she can talk to me. Not sure the best way to do that. Up until she turned 13, we had a pretty close and open relationship. Since 13 more of the typical mother/daughter stuff has cropped up. So I'm here trying to find ways to best support my daughter, and going through all the emotions of just learning this. I have so many questions! As a child, my daughter was a "typical girl." She loved wearing dresses and dressing like a princess. We had trains and trucks as well as babies and barbies when she was growing up, and she always went for the dolls or barbies. She told my husband she just started feeling different about a year ago, but we did not see any indicators until the end of this summer. Is that typical w/gender identity issues? Everything I read, indicates that people have usually felt "different" starting much younger. Anyway, I have spent the last couple of days trying to find all the information I can. Because of some issues she was having on top of the anxiety attacks, we had already had her set up for pysch testing, and the psychologist did some gender identity screening. She has been asking us to find a therapist to talk to, prior to this revelation, and so we also have her set up with a therapist that we primarily found to deal with the anxiety attacks, but because we were suspecting some of the gender identity issues we found one that works with those issues as well. Bottom line is that I love my daughter, and I want to help her in anyway I can. So I look forward to finding advice and support from all of you here. Thanks for hearing my story.
All I have to say is you are a sweetheart and I wish you would adopt me. Your daughter is so lucky to have you.
Dear 4theloveofE, It's great that you're wanting to know more about this. Many of us here on EC have parents or family members, myself included, that would not be so... well, understanding. I first want to mention how much of an awesome job you are doing. Accepting and trying to learn more is a sign of an awesome parent. On that front you are doing everything right. As for your child avoiding you at the moment, it's probably temporary and will blow over soon. Coming out can take some time to get used to. They are probably just a little panicky that you will turn around on them. I was, at least. Once it becomes clear that you aren't going to switch gears and hate them, then they'll start coming around. About your question about whether it's normal to not show signs or feel different from an early age, yes, it is completely normal. Everything about all trans people feeling trans from an early age is just media driven stereotypes. Not all trans people feel different from an early age. Some don't even realize they're trans until they are in their later years. It's not uncommon for people to do not show "signs" of being trans until their later years. The teen years are when a lot of people begin to realize it actually. I would like to ask a question though... In the beginning you mentioned your child wanting you to call them by a male name. Has this been implemented or not? Also, do either you or your husbands know if your child would like to go by a different pronoun? The reason I ask is that for a lot (not all) but for some trans people pronouns can be difficult to here everyday when you know they are the wrong ones. Even just one or two people calling you by the right pronoun can turn your day completely around. The reason I have been avoiding the usage of him/her pronouns is just due to uncertainty whether pronouns have been mentioned. If they haven't, maybe you or your husband could bring them up and see what your child mentions about them. It could be a good way to start up the conversation to let them know how much you care about them. I hope that this has helped some.
He may feel you'll be disappointed at losing your daughter. He needs to know that you love your son. Do something to show him that you accept his male name. A name plate for hisroom, a pen with his name on it. Nothing big and bright, just something quietly placed on his desk or bed while he is out. Some obviously masculine clothes maybe? And find out whether he wants he/him or they/them.
Thank you. To answer some questions... She told her Dad that she is not sure that she wants to change her name yet. She just started a new school, and her friends there call her a gender neutral name. I'm not sure of the correct term, because this is a new world for me, but she also told my husband that she is just not sure if she is a girl or boy. Even since coming out to my husband she has still fluctuated between a masculine look and a feminine look. Make up one day, and no make up the next. Masculine clothes one day, and feminine clothes the next. Not sure if that would be gender fluid or a-gender??? So I don't think we're at the point of identifying pronouns yet. My husband did talk to her about the name. They came to an agreement on a gender neutral version of her own name. She changes her mind on many things pretty frequently, so even if she comes to the conclusion that she feels more comfortable as a boy, I can see her changing her name about 20 times, before she settles on a name. That makes me hesitant to call her anything else, because that could change tomorrow. :icon_bigg Not opposed to it when it is more set in stone, but as of now, I feel like I would be calling her a different name every few weeks! There are so many emotions to this! Last night I wrote this post, and felt like I was in a good place. This morning I woke up in tears thinking about something I read about maybe putting childhood pictures away. I'm a huge family picture person, and we have pictures all over of our house of the kids when they were babies to young kids and current school pictures. I love looking at them. It made me sad to think that that part may be erased. Really felt like it would be a huge loss of my child. So I just lost it! I cried for 30 minutes. Than I got mad at myself because the turmoil she is dealing with right now is the issue. Not some stupid family pictures! Almost wish we were a few years into this, so the unknown was known, and we were settled into our new routine. But you can't (and shouldn't) wish life away like that! Thanks for listening to me! I'm looking into getting into a therapist myself. Other than my husband, I don't feel like I have anyone else to talk to since this is so new, and no one else knows.
I wish my mother was as supportive as you, tbh. You're daughter is truly lucky. Anyways, not everyone has the same experiences with gender identity. I started feeling different in middle school, and just assumed I was a "tomboy" (I didn't know much about transgender things), and I told my mom about me being "tomboy" and she was always like "you're not a tomboy. You like girly things" which is true, but just cause I like girly things does not necessarily mean I'm not trans. I like so many other things, too. Anyways, I started feeling this way in middle school. Prior to that? Not so much. Maybe Because I was forced to live with a conservative family that raised me with gender roles and stuff. So I don't think you've had to have experiences from a very young age to be trans. And just because your child liked girly things does not mean they arent trans. There are boys who like girly things. There are boys who enjoy make up, and are masculine. Those are just gender roles that society has put upon us. Continue to support your child, you are doing a great job, and I know it hurts that your child feels like they can't open up to you, but you just have to be patient. From what you have posted, I think that they will come out soon, by just the beatifully accepting personality of yours.
Ditto to everyone elses' comments. And I just want to give you a major kudos. (*hug*) There really needs to be more parents and/or people, like you. You are truly, genuinely amazing. Just a quick addition as well, I wouldn't worry about your daughter's reluctance to come out to you. I don't know any of you personally, and I'm not an expert on psychology or anything, but honestly if I didn't know any better I would say that the reasoning for a large part of your daughter's hesitance is because of the relationship you two have. And by that I mean, you and her sound very very close. Even if she has seemed to distance herself recently and she's scared to come out to you, it is most likely because she is trying to protect the relationship between you two. And anyways, almost everyone is afraid of change. Just continue your support towards her, and telling her that you will love her and support her, and nothing will change that or the relationship between you two no matter what happens. And also tell her that if there's anything you can do, just let you know.
You are a great mom. It is taking your child (don't know what pronouns to use- child is a neutral term for me) time to accept that they said it aloud to someone. While you and your husband are navigating and adjusting, THEY are still adjusting. Your child may not want to talk about it 24/7, so please be wary of that. Check out PFLAG, there may be a chapter near you. Also, you can send your child here. Even if they just poke around, it may make them feel a little more comfortable.
So I'm not trans so I can't speak from experience there but I can vouch for the 'not showing signs at an early age' thing. I thought I was straight for the first 20 years of my life. I'm still not out to my parents either. It's a gradual process that takes time. Believe me. It's taking a lot of time for me. I'm sure your child is just kinda processing things themselves. Step one is accepting it for yourself. The next step is telling others. Hang in there and everything everyone else said is a good idea too . And like everyone else has said, you're a great mom. Keep it up!
Hello, Maybe you could take some new family photos and put them up with the old ones. Like maybe do a ''our family overtime'' flow chart and keep adding to it as you go along, maybe a photo for every 5 years or something. Sorry if this isn't much help directly on the issue, but this might be something fun and even though it is a big thing, it involves your entire family, so you can all choose the pictures you like and debate over them until you all get one you all like [probably as hard as it sounds].
Thank you all! And I'm sorry so many of you do not have support from your families. I know how devastating it can be. My uncle, my mom's brother, came out when I was about 8-9. Of course back then it was kept hush-hush, and I knew nothing of it. I just knew my uncle was a bachelor with a "roommate." My mom did not tell me until I was about 18, and even back then my response was, and???? (And I can tell you 18 was many years ago for me!) Anyway, my uncle has been with his partner for over 30 years. His partner is a great guy, but my grandfather never accepted my uncle or his partner. He told my uncle when he came out that he could live at home, but he could not bring that lifestyle into his home. I did not know this until after my grandfather died. I love my uncle and his partner, and it makes me sad that they had to go through that. He's my daughter's favorite relative too, so I'm hoping that will be a support for her in the future. We just moved closer to my family, so we will now be able to see them more often. So hugs to all of you that are doing this without family support!
