How do I support my 14yr old who has just come out

All he needs you to do right now is support him. Make sure he knows he can talk to you, and he knows you will stand up for him at the school when needed.
Make sure he knows you have his back.
And congrats on being such a great mum

As for your family. It's too soon for him to come out to them. It is something you will both need to plan carefully, and, honestly, delay till he is older. He is very vulnerable, and doesn't need the stress of what they may put him through.
Make sure he knows, when he does come out to them, what their attitude is likely to be so he is as prepared as possible.
Together you are stronger than all of them put together.

 

All your son need right now is you to support him no matter what and for him to know that you love and care for him no matter what. He needs to know that he can talk about it to you and that you will always be there for him.
From my own personal experience, coming out to my own parents, I need them now more than ever, I still can't gather up enough courage to speak to them about it, but I am just happy to know that I do have all their love and support.
From your families perspective, I don't think now is the perfect time in telling them, not while he is that age or not ready to tell them on his own, I am sure he will be brave and decide when he is truly ready, just keep that in mind.
Do not pressure him at all, it might make things worse for him, but just support him for what life might throw at him.

 

As far as supporting your son in the short term is concerned, there really isn't much to do. Just keep being an awesome loving mom! If he needs resources, like counseling or help with expression or finding gay friends, there are plenty of people here who can point you in the right direction. Just ask around. The fact that you're continuing to love him and accept him just the way he is makes you Super Parent. Seriously. You are amazing. God bless you, and God bless your child.

About school: Some private Christian schools really cause trouble for queer students, and some just sort of pretend it isn't happening and leave them alone. It's good that his friends are standing by him. Unless he runs into trouble, I think he'll be okay since he has people to look out for him.

Having a conservative religious family is tough. I understand. I recently married a woman, the love of my life, and was subsequently un-invited from family Christmas. It's hard, and it's heartbreaking, but we're getting through it. It's important to remember that the only people who should ever know that your son is gay are the people he decides to tell himself. That's his story to tell, not anybody else's. If he is brave enough to walk through the fire of coming out to his family, that's amazing, and he will have you to support him through it, which will make things so much easier to bear. But if he decides that he doesn't want them to know, that's his choice, and the way to support him through that is to keep his secret.

Being the parent of a gay kid is hard. You're going through so much right now. I want you to know that this community, all of the kids and parents and grandparents and all of the strangers who have never met you, we are all so proud of you, and we know how scary this is. It's going to be okay. Your son is going to be okay. The two of you will get through the difficult parts together, and you are going to get to watch him bloom. You are going to get to see him so happy. If you need anything, if you have any questions, if you just need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to say something. This community isn't just for gay people. It's for you, too. This is your community, too. We are here for you. We love you. Keep coming back.

 

Just show him the same love and support you already are and always have. Make sure you don't make him feel pressured in any way (for example, I wouldn't talk about grandkids unless he says he wants some. I know some gay kids who are only children and worry their parents will be disappointed about that.)

Just that kind of thing, but the way you care so much I think things will go just fine since you're already so supportive. It's great his friends are supportive and hopefully that will continue for the rest of his school. But friends are most important.

As for the rest of the family, I'm sure he knows how they are and maybe you could leave it up to him when/if or how he wants to come out to them in the future.

 

First of all, you're doing an amazing job of being supportive. That is, more than anything else, what your son needs right now and always. I'm sure you have a million things you want to ask him or tell him, but letting him come to you is definitely the best approach.

Granted I came out in my 20s, but my experience has been that the friends I had before--most of whom are straight--were supportive and nothing changed between us. It's nice to have gay friends to talk about shared experiences with, but at the same time, there's no need to go out and make a bunch of new gay friends when your same circle of straight friends is there for you the way they've always been.

Your son is young, and the number of people his age who are out is going to be smaller. He may end up being someone his peers turn to as they struggle with their own identities, and his circle of LGBT friends may grow that way. In the meantime, EC is an amazing place where he will absolutely be welcome, and I'm sure a city as big and diverse as Sydney has some sort of youth group for kids like him.

You worry about narrow-minded people, and it's a valid worry. It's what kept me in the closet for almost half of my life, but I'm lucky to say I've never had a single hostile reaction from anyone. Sure, there are places where I'm less comfortable holding my boyfriend's hand in public, and I try to keep a bit of a low profile in professional settings until I can get a sense for how supportive people are. The support of the people in my life has helped me realize just how rare and out-of-touch hostile people are.

For someone as young as your son, I would check and make sure his school is supportive and that he can turn to them if he needs help. Kids can be mean, and sometimes you do need to turn to a higher authority if they cross the line.

As for the extended family? That is something you and your son should navigate together. There's no magic formula for how to do it. It was 9 months from when I told my parents and sister to when I told anyone else in the family, and it took another 6 months after that to be totally out to everyone. Everything went fine, and I think that's because of how tactfully I handled the coming-out process and how my parents were able to support me through the process.

I hope this has been helpful. You're an amazing mom and your son is lucky to have you as a source of strength.

 

From personal experience, having supportive friends and family does help. I feel that they understand me more now that I am open to them, because I don't talk a lot about my personal life to anybody. Now that I know that I have their love and trust I feel as if I can finally open up to them.
But it was my sister who made me realize this because she means the most to me. Her reaction really made my day.
But having and knowing you have support, is still the best thing an LGBT+ might have.
There are a few people who taunted me, after I came out to most of my friends at the beginning of the year, things got better for me and I don't care what others think of me anymore, they can taunt all they want, call names all they want, pick on me all they want, but my friends still have my back, that's what matters the most to me.

 

If Sydney is anything like the US in this regard, 14 was a crummy age for me to be gay, since people weren't as matured and open minded as they are at 15+. Even now, the hatred of others at my school has made me the ONLY openly gay sophomore at my school, and one of only 4 (that I know) at my entire school. So yes, you're right to worry that making gay friends at your son's age is next-to-impossible, so I'd highly recommend showing him this site. That may steer him away from some of the more sketchy websites out there.

It is definitely NOT impossible for a coming out experience to be positive in our world. Maybe in the 1960's to the 1980's, but not in the 2010's. I'm not familiar with the way things are in Sydney, or Australia in general, but the above mentioned group "Minus18" sounds like a good lead to look into. If former EC staff work with the group, then it's gotta be helpful in many ways, including making coming out the good thing it truly is.

 

Well you seem like a good supportive mother. It seems like everyone else has taken it ok. On your family that's a tough one. I would be heart broken if that's how my extended family felt. Anyways I would say that if they don't take it well it may be hard but they're not being real family if they don't accept your son.

Best of luck! (*hug*)

 

In answer to your follow-up questions, there are probably a lot of gay kids at your son's school. They're just not out. But we have a way of just finding each other...

As for coming out, there will always be backlash. The trick is to wait until you are absolutely ready. If you do that, the backlash doesn't matter, and the people who love you most will just throw you a big rainbow coming-out party, and you'll be so happy that the other people won't be able to bring you down no matter how hard you try.

 

Have a look at Gay Christian Network which has great resources for parents and a support forum and excellent videos for LGBT. They are not trying to change anyone. It's totally legit and supports gays from a wide range of faiths and those who are not religious as well.
https://www.gaychristian.net/

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 11:03 PM ----------

I don't know if Australia has the type of support network for gay Christian youth that Canada has. You can google New Direction generous spaciousness. They are doing a great job educating our churches about LBGT, and they form groups for gay Christians to belong to. They do not try to change anyone's orientation; in fact, they spoke out against Exodus in the US some years ago. I really admire the director Wendy Gritter who basically took on Alan Chambers of Exodus face-to-face.

 

My advice would be is to try talking.....See how he is responding around you and in the house ….is he seem depressed, Shy, happy, sad or free and happy?

Be available, gentle with your words, accepting and excited about his truth. Made a great effort to listen with deep compassion. Maybe ,step out of being a mother and listen like a best friend!

What worked well for me and my son.... was finding a private place for us to talk freely. Asking lots of questions like. Would he like my support telling the family? Did he need support? Had he already gotten some supportive?

I asked for his PATANCE..... in my understanding his sexuality

I asked for PREMITTION …..to talk about his life.

I asked for his SUPPORT..... in things I didn't know about.

I asked for FORGIVENESS..... if I said something wrong or maybe hurtful in the past.

and mostly I told him I was proud of him and I love and support him

---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2016 at 07:14 PM ----------

My advice would be is to try talking.....See how he is responding around you and in the house ….is he seem depressed, Shy, happy, sad or free and happy?

Be available, gentle with your words, accepting and excited about his truth. Made a great effort to listen with deep compassion. Maybe ,step out of being a mother and listen like a best friend!

What worked well for me and my son.... was finding a private place for us to talk freely. Asking lots of questions like. Would he like my support telling the family? Did he need support? Had he already gotten some supportive?

I asked for his PATANCE..... in my understanding his sexuality

I asked for PREMITTION …..to talk about his life.

I asked for his SUPPORT..... in things I didn't know about.

I asked for FORGIVENESS..... if I said something wrong or maybe hurtful in the past.

and mostly I told him I was proud of him and I love and support him

 

Just support him if he needs any help, give it to him, maybe a therapist

 

Dear mom: As a 13 year old, just support him. My sister came out a year ago as a girl (she was my brother) and my parents is supporting her. So am I and my sister and brothers supports her, too. So far, mom, one uncle is cruel to my sister.
Mom, just tell him that someone on here supports him and tell him that he is special. This is my first real post (just joined tonight), so I hope you know what I'm saying.

 

That's nice he got your support and he's friends support people are finally starting to accept gay people and I think that's progress everyone should, have the right to love who they want rember your boy is the same little boy you love it's not he's fault he's gay it's not a choice let him know your supportive and he can talk to you comfort him it took him a lot of courage in order to step up and tell you

 

^^^great advice^^^

 

Hi. I think you are getting great advice here. I have just one thing to add--if you think your family has the potential to be cruel to him if he comes out to them (and it certainly sounds like they do) and you think he doesn't understand that they might be cruel--then I think it'd be good to let him know that now, so he has a better idea of what he'd be getting into if he told anyone in the extended family. I think I'd probably tell him that it's 100% up to him when/if he wants to come out to the extended family, that you will 100% back him up and support him if he decides to tell them or if he decides not to tell them now and in the future, and then I'd tell him about some things you have heard them say about gay people and explain that you really aren't confident that they'd be kind to him or accepting if he came out to them. And then I think you *truly* leave it up to him.

Also, high five for being a fabulous mom. My mom had me out of wedlock, raised me by herself, was shunned for it for a good while, and then later (when I was still very young--preschool aged) they came around and stopped being shitty to us. My memories of my grandparents are all very positive; I know they loved me. Also, my extended family is VERY religious and VERY conservative--like women only wear skirts or dresses, and TV is not allowed because it is too "worldly" kind of conservative. About 15 years ago or so (when I was in my mid 20s) a huge swath of my extended family rejected me (I "told" on two family members who abused me as a child--a coming out of sorts--I mostly did it because it's a terrible idea for that kind of thing to be a secret in a family that includes children). Some of them rejected me in fairly cruel ways. It hurt very very badly. It still does sometimes. My mom though had my back through it all AND IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. It still does. I'm still estranged from most of my extended family, but I'm mostly at peace with it. All of that to say--yes, the support of one awesome parent helps a ton through all kinds of crazy things.

Oh, and the people in my extended family who are still connected to me do not know I'm gay--and it's entirely possible I'll lose them too if I tell this next secret. And I know my mom will have my back then too if I ever go there. It's a big comfort. (And yes, she knows I'm gay and is very supportive.)

Sigh.

And one more high five to you.

(Edited to add that I'm 41 years old, didn't figure out I was gay until I was 39 years old and married with two kids, just in case you were confused about what I did at which ages. It's fabulous that your son feels safe enough to recognize his sexual orientation now AND feels safe enough to tell you about it. It'll save a lot of heart ache!)