My young son and an older man...help please!

Huge age gaps among relationships are normal regardless if it's a homosexual or heterosexual partnership.

I guess the issue here is that the 27-year-old guy is having a relationship with a minor. In my country, it can be considered already as "rape." My take on this one is, if your son is truly sure that the guy loves him, then they should not engage in any kind of sexual act before he turns 18. He's technically a minor so sexual acts shouldn't be allowed with an adult in the first place.

 

It might be that he's not fully out and in sync with the gay people in your town and the older guy was the only one he could find. Sometimes younger people like to pair up with slightly older ones because they feel that age gives you more experience in bed.

Depending on the other person, their relationship might be okay, but it also might end up badly. If I were you I'd pay close attention to the behavior of your son. Getting to know the bf might also work well, I doubt you will be able to influence them by force, so perhaps politics and psychology will work.

 

Hi Mom642.

I think that LGBT youth tend to have relationships with older people a lot more often partly because of the lack of out LGBT kids their own age. It's not the unusual for LGBT kids to be the (singular) out LGBT kid in their class. I also suspect that part of the issue, as previously mentioned, is unconsciously seeking a mentor.

I think that it would be best to (1) suspend judgement while keeping the lines of communication open as previously suggested and (2) encourage him to meet and socialize with other LGBT people his own age. I'm not sure what part of France you're from, but there's a good chance that there is some way for him to meet other LGBT youth in your area.

 

Well, I'd say it depends on the individual case... My friend (a she), for example, has a boyfriend too and she's 17, he's 31. But I know both of them (obviously haha) and I know that they really do love each other. Also, my friend is really adult-like, so she seems to be older than she actually is.
When I first heard of their relationship I was worried as well, but I got to know him and I can say, there's nothing wrong with him.

I would say, try to be open to your son's relationship and maybe you can get to know his boyfriend first before judging him and then see

 

First of all, I appreciate you on controlling your emotions at that moment, talking about it right away ,with him just having come out, is a little tricky. I'd say first take time getting used to talking to him about his sexuality , then try to get to know about this said person by asking him general questions as to how they met and stuff like that , gauge the nature of the relationship! I'd say 27 isn't too old , but not ideal and definitely complicated! So take it slow and be watchful on how your son is doing if he is doing fine it probably will be OK, assure him that you are there for him if he has any problem, most likely he'd realize it would or wouldn't work out sooner or later ! So just be there with him!

 

I wouldn't say you're over reacting or anything you're just probably a little concerned. But I I'm guessing age of consent is 16 in France? So in that case it's probably not that bad. I've heard of gay relationships with big age gaps. It may work it may not you never know but on the other hand as long as the guy he's dating is at least somewhat decent I wouldn't worry about it too much.

 

You have every right to be concerned as like you said, age gaps can be nerve wrecking.
However, before you question it. Maybe find out more about this person and see what they are like first. idk, just my two cents from a 19 year old dating a 27 year old

 

This sounds like a tough one!

Have you asked him what he sees in the older guy? Could it be he is the first one to accept him for who he is, and he just wants another gay companion?

 

Everyone else has already posted some potential pros and cons of the situation, but before you actually accept/refuse to accept the relationship, you should do one thing: ask your son to meet the guy in a casual, non-confrontational way.

I've met 40-year-olds who look and act 20, and 20-year-olds who look and act 40 (unfortunately!). While there are still inherent issues with an "age gap" relationship as others have described, you won't know if you're comfortable with him until you meet him. He might be an amazing person who you'll want to give the key to your house, like my mom did when I was 20 and met my now-5-year-partner, who was 33 at the time!

 

Good job supporting your son. I Understand your concern and would definitely be very worried if it were my 16 year old. But at his age you will have to be careful in your approach as a strong negative response will likely just drive him to hide his relationship and stop communication with you.

Get him go bring the guy to meet you so you can at least judge his character. Then you can make a better decision about what action to take. In the meantime try to instill in your son a sense of empowerment. He needs to be able to advocate for his safety and needs. With this big age gap the older man has the advantage.

Personally I don't think it's OK for this man to be seeing your son. But, I know sometimes these relationships end up in a good place. Best wishes to you.

 

I strongly agree with Chip here. I'm very glad you support your son, however this relationship needs to end. Not only could it be illegal depending on the laws where you live, but the maturity gap is the scariest factor.

An 11-year age gap isn't a big deal when the couple is much older-for example my aunt is 52 and her wife is 63-but the maturity difference between a 27-year-old and a 16-year-old is about as far apart as Europe is from North America.

As Chip said, it's fine to seek a mentor/father figure, and I personally have a 15-year-old cousin who's closeted who sought me out as a mentor of sorts, and even if I didn't have a boyfriend, there's no way anything like that would happen between us. For this reason, I'm worried that he's already been manipulated and taken advantage of. A 27-year-old should know that this isn't a good idea, and he probably has his own emotional issues to work out.

 

This is not at all healthy, and more than likely, especially considering that they met in a bar, the older man is taking advantage of your son.

Personally, I believe age difference up to 7 years are acceptable once you hit 18 (and then up to 12 years once you hit 30), but prior to that, they should only be 2 years, max. Teenagers are young and immature...they think that the first person that provides them experience is automatically "it" and that they'll end up marrying that person.

My advice would definitely not be to restrict your son or punish him in anyway - this will make him think your homophobic or will cause him to rebel. Rather, tell him your concerns and if you can find them online, present to him some horror stories about older men taking advantage of minors. Ask him to tell you about his relationship and point out the major red flags. From what you hear, try to determine if this man could be a sexual predator or if he could be married. Know that often times, sexual predators will be extremely nice for the first 6+ months, and shower their victims with attention and gifts, then things will go downhill.