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Advice? Sister of a closeted trans brother

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by tomatotamato, Dec 28, 2015.

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  1. tomatotamato

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    Hi.

    I want to preface this post by saying that I am extremely ignorant when it comes to anything trans. I don't want to offend anyone, so please (kindly) correct any mistakes I make with my terms or anything else that is not how it should be.

    I don't know how to help my brother who is trans and in the closet (I say brother because I have no been instructed to refer to him otherwise as of yet). He recently decided to tell me how many times I've driven him nearly to suicide based on my "ignorant, transphobic remarks", and he is apparently very upset with me over several conversations we have had (that possibly span over the last year or so since he has come out to me).

    I don't know what to do. I had absolutely no intention to ever hurt or offend him. And I'm completely heartbroken that I have hurt him. Because I really have tried to be sensitive, and supportive. I genuinely feel like I have been, I've asked him about the differences between "trangender" and "transgendered" and what is the right or wrong one to say. I've prefaced comments by saying things like "I don't really know if this is the right thing to say but..." or even asked what he would prefer I say when addressing him. (I don't even know if those sentences are properly constructed). He has never told me that I've upset him in the moment it has happened, or that what I say is transphobic, ignorant, etc. Which I understand, of course, I can only imagine what it must be like to be in his situation. But, I feel like him calling me "ignorant, normie, cis girl" is just as hurtful? Or am I allowed to be offended by that? I don't know. I don't even know what "normie" means...

    I'm really rambling here. I really apologize. I just didn't know what else to do. So, I googled "how to help a closeted trans brother" and this website popped up, so I joined, and here I am. I hope someone out there can help.

    Thanks.
     
  2. bubbles123

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    Sorry for your situation, but you definitely came to the right place. It's important that you are trying to do what you can like coming to this site and asking about this. It's also good you've been asking him questions like that. A better way to ask about that type of stuff would be "What pronouns would you want me to use" (just makes more sense that way).
    You should try to get used to the correct pronouns in your head, because that's important. Some people use him/his or she/her and others go by they/them if they feel that represents them better/if they are non-binary.
    Maybe using male pronouns and acting like that around others could be hurtful, even though that's a tough situation and there isn't really a way to do that right now. Maybe ask him/her/they what it is that's offending them exactly if you haven't yet and express that you really want to help and are trying.
    Another thing: maybe you're saying things that make assumptions about peoples' gender roles/stereotypes. For example, "That's more of a boy shirt" or "I hate how guys are always so..." Things like that, because you may not realize when you say those types of things. Anything that makes an assumption about likes/qualities/personality/appearance based on the gender they were born as can be hurtful because it makes people feel like the way they are - if it doesn't fit into that category - is wrong.

    Just some basic info that could be helpful:

    Being transgender is something one is born with due to chemical changes that occur before birth (I'm not an expert, but if you're interested you could look into that more)
    So no one becomes or chooses that, just as no one just chooses to be cis gendered.

    The term "Male trans Female" or "MTF" is a shortened way of saying someone who was assigned male at birth and is a transgender female.

    People who are trans often experience gender dysphoria, which is where the body parts they were born with cause them depression, sometimes very severe.

    People can get surgeries/hormone treatments to change their body to match the gender they really are.

    Just try to think of things from your brother's (or sister's) point of view. If you're born male, every single day people make you feel like you have to be a macho man and wear guys clothes and like guy things and if you don't you're considered weak or shameful. Your brother/sister has to go through that every day and feel that such a fundamental part of them is hated by people.

    I hope this helps and please know that by looking for answers and trying to not offend him, you're doing him such a huge favor. It's hard to know sometimes when you offend people and don't realize, but what's important is that you're changing that.

    ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2015 at 10:57 PM ----------

    And the things they said to you may have been hurtful, but it's because they're angry and also going through a lot that's really hard. And coming out to someone can be especially hard, but the point is that you are trying and the best thing you can do, even though they may have said hurtful things, is to be supportive and be there and try your best to be understanding.
    <3
     
  3. TraceElement

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    My preface- I have ADD and I just got home from an exhausting day at work, so it may be a little scattered... but I wanted to give you some possible insight by the time you wake up. I will call your sibling a boy/him for now, as that is what you call him. Ask him though, if he wants you to refer to him using female pronouns. If he does, really try to do so. if you slip up, fine. it is a process for you too. if you do slip up, correct yourself.
    For me, the term transgenered sounds like an object/item, not a term to describe a person. others may not see it that way, but that's how I feel.
    Ask him to let you know if what you say bothers him, whether it be right then, or later in the day... by voicing it or through email/text/fb chat.
    If you two are roughly the same size, offer to let him borrow some of your clothes or shoes. Offer to paint his nails or if his hair is long enough, braid it.
    let him know that you really do love him, and don't want to see him hurting. if you sense that he is upset or frustrated, let him know you are there if he wants to talk.
     
  4. tomatotamato

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    Hi again -- thank you so much for your help!

    I wrote my post in a very emotional state. I [obviously] haven't been able to think of much else since he unleashed these feelings upon me, and we haven't talked since. I'm trying to think of the best way to approach it, and talk to him again. He is much more stubborn than I am, so I know he won't come to me first (if at all).

    As a sibling, I want to follow along the lines of "how am I supposed to know what is offensive and hurtful to you, if you do not tell me until days/months/years later?" However, I understand that he is suffering a burden unlike any that I will ever know, and his self-esteem (as he mentioned the other day) is practically non-existent. So having the confidence to tell me off in the moment is probably a really hard thing to do.

    I am the first to admit that I'm ignorant when it comes to anything on this specific subject. Before my brother came out to me, I honestly did not think much about trans issues. But since then, I have constantly been trying to educate myself on the different terms, etc so I can be more informed, and not offended anyone (at the very least my sibling!) I can only imagine how sensitive he feels, but I also feel that he is taking offence to almost everything I say? I never say anything with the intent of maliciously attacking the fact that he is trans. But again, I'm ignorant, and he is not telling me when I'm being offensive.. so I don't know when I am being offensive, and when I'm not now. I am trying to understand life from his point of view, but on the flip side - I feel like from this past sharing of his feelings, that he expects me to be an expert on the subject (Apologies if that is far-fetched). Because I am not, and I don't claim to be. So I don't know why he would blame me for all this stuff when I literally have been walking through this blindly, and without anyone to talk to about it also (because he is in the closet, so I kind of feel like I am sitting there with him until he is ready to come out).
    He has told me in the past of gender dysphoria, and I think that has put him in a deep depression where he is quite angry all the time. Our dad is an asshole, and is a homophobic, transpobic, racist, bigot. Our mom is a bit more understanding.. but I feel like because of the age, and how they grew up, having to face this would not be as supportive a response as my brother deserves. I want to help so badly, but at this point I feel as though everything I say is hurtful, and I don't want to just say nothing... but at least then I know I'm not hurting his feelings anymore with the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth.

    --

    Again, thank you so much for your time. I use the male pronouns currently, as I haven't been told otherwise (because I have definitely asked!). I have no problem with using them in the future (I very much look forward to it :slight_smile: ), so that is why I keep using them. I apologize if some of what I say sounds like "it's all about me!", I promise that is not what I mean, I'm just trying to handle this in the best way I can think of.
     
  5. Sinergy

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    Make the effect to communicate with your brother. Go to him...don't have your him sit in his pain alone :frowning2: u just need to listen... and support him:slight_smile:

    Aswell, Have your brother call ...the family Doctor and the doctor will be able to refer your brother to support groups or community health centre.

    link:
    sherbourne.on.ca (Toronto)

    ---------- Post added 5th Jan 2016 at 06:03 PM ----------

    Make the effect to communicate with your brother. Go to him...don't have your him sit in his pain alone :frowning2: u just need to listen... and support him:slight_smile:

    Aswell, Have your brother call ...the family Doctor and the doctor will be able to refer your brother to support groups or community health centre.

    link:
    sherbourne.on.ca (Toronto)
     
  6. Alex124

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    Hi there,

    This could have already come up, but how about you talk to her. Tell her that you haven't got the foggys what is the right thing to say and what isn't. Ask her to both cut you a little slack, because you are still relatively new to this, and at the same time ask her to sort of help you understand. You don't own an x-ray brain, so she's gonna have to tell you what hurts and what doesn't. Make sure you tell her you want to understand and get better, but you need her help to do this.

    And if she's afraid of saying stuff infront of other people, figure out a code of some sort. That also should help you get some insight and at the same time it'll be a fun way to bond(i know me and my siblings used to talk in code all the time).

    Hope this helps, and hope you didn't have to struggle through to many typos XD
     
  7. A Mindful Wolf

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    " He recently decided to tell me how many times I've driven him nearly to suicide based on my "ignorant, transphobic remarks", and he is apparently very upset with me over several conversations we have had (that possibly span over the last year or so since he has come out to me). "

    I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable of him. Sexuality/gender identity is NOT, and should NOT be used as a weapon. Threats of suicide is very common among obsessive people who will threaten self-harm to control people. It is NOT fair for your bro/sis to abuse you like that, regardless of what he/she is going through.
     
  8. Invidia

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    It's true that it's not okay for your sibling to be mean to you; however, I also know from experience that sometimes I too have been very touchy when it comes to this stuff, so I'm not one to lecture anyone. That said, try to understand at its most simple level that he/she is probably very deeply depressed, and thus next to incapable of being reasonable. If he/she's being mean, you're not in the wrong if you leave the room to take a breather. Just try to show him/her (all the slashes is bleh, I've just written for a good hour, I'll just write 'she'), that you're on her side.
     
  9. Spartan 117

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    This is actually a thread from last year. :slight_smile: Hopefully this user got the advice that they needed. I'm locking this thread for now, but if the OP does return- I'm sure they'll be grateful for your advice. They're also more than welcome to start a new thread to let us know how things have progressed.
     
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