1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

need help for my son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by openheart, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. openheart

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    new york
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hi all. Thank you in advance for reading my post. My son, who is 21 years old, had a sort of melt down about a month ago...he has a history of anxiety, and is just now being treated for it...he is also OCD (diagnosed)...his sexuality growing up was never discussed...he liked girls, dated around, but has a difficult time managing a relationship happily...it becomes obsessive...not that he stalks or things like that, but he thinks about where she is, what she's doing, texts constantly, etc....
    So, he was away at school and doing the long distance thing...which stressed him out a lot..he was so anxious when he came home, that he could not "perform" for her...this in of it self was a huge blow to his ego, and only magnified his anxiety...so of course, he went on a website to find out why he couldn't perform, and there was a long list of reasons...and one of the reasons was.."you are gay"....

    So, being OCD and anxiety ridden, this became his focus...I am very open minded and accepting, and I told him that if he is gay, no problem, just be happy....but he couldn't accept what I was telling him, and said he doesn't want to be gay...I asked him if he was ever attracted to any men or boys growing up, and he said only a couple of times, and it was more emotional that anything sexual...my question is this: Can someone be suppressing homosexual feeling for years, which in turn will cause anxiety, then just one day kind of realize they are homosexual? He is in a relationship with a girl, and he's very "into" her, but I don't know if it's actually love and lust as much as codependency, and trying to "prove" to himself that he's straight...his Dr. (psychiatrist) believes he has HOCD, which is a type of OCD where one obsesses or fears that they are homosexual...but actually are heterosexual....as for me (his mom), I just don't know...sometimes I think he may be in denial, and that's what's causing all this agony for him...any thoughts?
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, and welcome. First, one of the complicating issues is there's no real way to be sure he is being authentic with himself or with you about his feelings. When one goes through the process of accepting that one is gay, there's the loss of self-perception as straight, and any loss involves processing those feelings through stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). So it's remotely possible there's denial going on here and he could, in fact, be gay.

    But in this case, there's a much greater likelihood: Anxiety alone (and OCD is an anxiety-spectrum disorder) can dramatically interfere with sexual arousal and attraction. It is quite possible for someone who has strong anxiety to have very suppressed sexual attraction, arousal, and desire; many people who have anxiety are likely wrongly assuming they are asexual when, in fact, the anxiety is suppressing the natural sexual attraction and desire.

    This same process can most definitely interefere with sexual arousal and performance, especially when another person is involved. (In other words, he might be able to masturbate fine, but not perform when with another person.)

    As to the question of whether suppressing same-sex feelings can cause anxiety... most certainly yes. But that anxiety generally does not express as OCD-like symptoms.

    I'm really surprised your son's psychiastrist is claiming HOCD, since there's no such diagnosis in the DSM (the manual widely used to classify mental health issues.) There is only OCD, and a focus on sexual orientation can be one of many obsessive thoughts that come with OCD. It's a huge disservice to someone to tell them they have HOCD, since it ignores the underlying OCD itself.

    In any case, the first step is getting the anxiety under control. There's a great book called "Brain Lock", written by one of the foremost experts on OCD, which offers some great practices to help address OCD symptoms. In some cases, medication can be helpful as well. Once the anxiety and OCD is under control, it becomes much easier to explore the sexual attractions that are going on. At that point, he can look at masturbation fantasies, behaviors around men vs women and other factors that help to clarify where his underlying attractions are.
     
  3. openheart

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    new york
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you for your reply....actually, the psychiatrist only diagnosed him with classic OCD...my son's tireless research about his intrusive thoughts led him to the HOCD information, which is all over the web....
    He is in a relationship with a sweet girl, but I think it would be best for him to end it for a while, since the entire "performance" issue is causing him so much anxiety!!

    If he is in denial, and causing himself so much anxiety, I just wish he would accept it, meet a nice guy, and move on!! We are all upset over what he is dealing with....a mother is only as happy as her saddest child :frowning2:
     
  4. ShaiHulud

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2015
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Berlin, Germany
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I had OCD, not homo (of course :grin: ), but i know that homosexual ocd is one of the most common ones.
    I would trust the psychotherapist.
    I came out of OCD at 90%, i do not have anxiety anymore, although intrusive thoughts will come and go once in a while, if this can help i will say to you which things helped me to "cure" myself:

    Embrace anxiety, it sounds odd, but compulsions are there to calm down and stop anxiety, which is wrong, compulsions will stop them for a while but then they will return, so say to your son to not test himself, to NOT search ANSWERS (gay porns, gay images or just watching a guy on the street and see if he feels attracted), when he has anxiety HE HAS TO LET IT OUT.
    When he has intrusive thoughts he must let them slip away, just like normal thoughts, they come and go, if he sees a guy and thinks he his good looking then let him think that, it is totally normal and ok to recognise that someone is good looking without having sexual attraction. A person with ocd will automatically think OH MY GOD I JUST THOUGHT THAT GUY IS GOOD LOOKING I AM GAY and then start to panic.
    If he blocks his thoughts everytime than his brain will recognise those type of thoughts as a threat, and when something scary and worry happens then anxiety comes in.

    Hope it helps, i know what having ocd is, and it is terrible because you feel like something you are not and makes you feel bad, your head hurts and you cannot sleep at night, depression kicks in and everything is ruined.
    I wish you son to feel better :slight_smile:
     
    #4 ShaiHulud, Jan 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2016
  5. BlueLion

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2015
    Messages:
    331
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hello. What you say sounds so reasonable. Maybe you are right.

    I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist either, so I can't give advice properly.

    You should trust a good professional and give your son time to accept himself, just in case he is gay.

    Please, feel free to talk to me if you need some help.

    (&&&)
     
  6. xenu

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    Tulsa
    He doesn't sound gay to me.
     
  7. Nobo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2016
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tonawanda
    Sounds to me like he's bi
     
  8. BlueLion

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2015
    Messages:
    331
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Labels are not important, anyway.
     
  9. Contact1111

    Contact1111 Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2015
    Messages:
    363
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New Paltz, NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It sounds highly unlikely that he is primarily gay. To me, it sounds like he's primarily straight, but he says he did like a couple of guys. So, my guess is that he's probably bisexual but primarily is into women. The attractions he's had to guys may have caused anxiety for him, by the sound of it. It's also possible that he could be suppressing attractions to guys, but his behaviors and thoughts indicate that he is attracted to women at least as much or more.