Hello I just found this website today and have no one to talk to. My Son is a 21 year old College Senior. He has dated a few girls in the past but prefers hanging out with his Male friends doing guy things such as sports, playing cards and things of that nature. A lot of his friends don't have serious girlfriends and it makes it easier for the guys to engage in different sports and stuff like that. December 31st he asked if he could talk to me and I thought it was a College issue honestly because he has a full school load and just got accepted to his Masters program. He then proceeded to tell me something that in a million years I never ever would have guessed. He said he was Bisexual. My first reaction was to cry and ask if he was kidding? He started crying and said that it doesn't change who he is. I agreed!! He then said he had been feeling this way for years!! My Son is pretty much an open book and I never ever would have seen this coming. He has always said he wanted to be married and have a family some day. We discussed what that means now. He said he is not sure down the road if he will end up with a same sex partner or a female but he has started experimenting in College. I have always throughout my childrens lives let them know that there is NOTHING they could do or tell me that would make me stop loving them or not accept them for who they are and I stand by that statement but im just in a state of shock right now. He doesn't want his Dad to know because he will not take it the way I did and we both know that. My husband is pretty old fashioned although I know he would def come around sooner then my Son thinks. I guess I am just so scared for him. Some people can be so mean and I feel very protective of him. He has confided to a few friends and wants to be open with them but I am afraid of how some might take this news. My Son is extremely masculine and very athletic. I wonder if any would look at him differently and It makes me so scared for him to lose friends. Please, any helpful words? Advice? An ear to listen? I love my Son no matter what, I am just in shock at the moment. Thank you for reading!!
What he needs most of all is for you to support him while he figures out who he is and who he is attracted to. Maybe, if he feels like he wants to, sit down sometimes and talk about his feelings. This is often a good way of getting rid of stress. On the topic of people viewing him differently, there will always be ignorant people in this world but most people are completely OK with it. I don't really think people will stop being his friend but if they do it's their loss not his. Furthermore I don't think anybody would want to be a friend with someone who is ignorant enough to not accept someone for who they are and judge them by their sexuality. I hope you found my advice helpful and it sounds like you are already doing a great job at accepting and supporting him.
Thank you for responding! I talked to him again this afternoon and he said If I had any questions just to ask him. Whatever choices he makes, all I want is his happiness!!
It's really good you have shown your unconditional love for your son quickly, and it's okay to feel shock because this was unexpected. But, fear can be overcome with knowledge, and you are welcome to post and browse these forums for other parents' stories. You might see if there is a local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) group you could attend. You might also see how you can nudge your husband into being more open-minded, but that requires delicacy if your son wants to tell him first. While you can't guarantee your son will never experience discrimination, things are changing toward greater tolerance and acceptance, especially in college campuses. If he hasn't already, his school may already have an LGBT support center that can provide valuable advice. College also gives people a chance to reset their social groups and choose friends with similar values, so your son's friends may already be primed for tolerance.
Thank you Resu. When I spoke to my Son this afternoon he told me it May be years before he ever opens up to my husband about it. Im glad he trusted me but i'm a listener, my husband is a reactor. I think I am more in shock that my Son has held this in for so long. He is usually an open book. I guess it helped that he is away at school 4 hours from home.
Communication is the key and its OK to feel a lose, its a natural process and This is like a death of what u thought his life would be Remember this is his life and its a wonderful gift he shared with u cause he is still that same great child and you will see him become more free and happy. Be available, gentle with your words, accepting and excited about his truth. Made a great effort to listen with deep compassion. Maybe ,step out of being a mother and listen like a best friend! What worked well for me and my son.... was finding a private place for us to talk freely. Asking lots of questions like. Would he like my support telling the family? Did he need support? Had he already gotten some supportive? I asked for his PATANCE..... in my understanding his sexuality I asked for PREMITTION …..to talk about his life. I asked for his SUPPORT..... in things I didn't know about. I asked for FORGIVENESS..... if I said something wrong or maybe hurtful in the past. and mostly I told him I was proud of him and I love and support him.
Sinergy, What you wrote gave me chills!! Thank you. You are so right, it's not what I envisioned and that's what I need to move past and I know I will. He is a 21 year old adult. He makes his choices. I have to be accepting no matter what and I will be. It will just take me a little time inside my own soul. Your Son is lucky to have you!!
Thank you.... and I think you are doing a great job....you are taking the time to understand and you will grow and your bond will be tighter and you are “safe” to him and you will forward in his happiness....that's a the true gift My only concern for my son is his safety.... cause he is young only 14 years old and I just want him to be safe, healthy and happy.
Gidget1, You sound really taken aback with the suddenness of the news coming from someone whom, before this, you could "read" so easily! It was such a shock, overlaid with fear for him. And then to be alone with this news (not being able to share with your husband) which involves a whole turnaround in your vision for your son's future is sooooo hard!! I empathize so very much. My daughter told me last summer she might be gay (at age 11) and I was really struggling with keeping it a secret for her and wanting to protect her. I had to actually do some self-work to release my fears and loneliness. Finding this supportive forum has been a godsend for me. I hope you are feeling more in community and that the normalization of your experience can be healing. Sending loads of compassion.
What you are feeling is totally normal. I am 46 but I initially attempted to come out to my Mom at 16. She thought I just had not found the right guy yet and I took this as non supportive and went back into the closet until my early 20s. I was married with a kid by then, and was not too quick to leave. I ended up having to come back out in my early 30's to my parents. It was rather traumatic for all of us. Now, to get to my point...... Figuring out we are gay or Bi is a shocking and traumatic experience for us, and it often takes time for us to accept ourselves. Why, you ask? Well, society tells us we are all born straight, and even if our parents are supportive, we still are raised in a society that does not really accept homosexuality, there has just recently been any type of gay, bi or lesbian tv characters, we just recently got the right to marry and we still can get fired for being gay, even though we can legally marry. We grow up in a predominately straight culture with commercials featuring straight couples, people talking about their opposite sex spouses and kids talking about their Moms and Dads, not their 2 Moms or 2 dads. So, it is nothing against you that he did not tell you right away, or you did not realize it. It would not be the first thing on your mind unless he was 'stereo typically' gay which is a term I use loosely.(the stereotypes are false). So, that being said, once we actually figure out we are not 'straight' we have mental work to do to accept ourselves as being outside societies norms. We go through a process like the grief process, we question if we are, we hope/pray we are not, we become angry when we realize we are, we finally accept we are.....then we have to come out. We have to decided who to tell, hope they accept us, and be prepared to lose those we love when and if they cannot accept us. It's a longer process than one would think, and once you are told your child is bi or gay or lesbian, we have accepted OURSELVES, but you have to work through all the stages yourself to accept us. So, shock is the first stage and totally ok. Just be there for him Mom, ask him questions and get involve in your city PFLAG, go on forums and talk to others. Don't be shy asking questions, no questions is too small or stupid, so don't worry about that. You can feel free to msg me directly as well. My partner and I have three kids, they are now 16, 19 and 24. I don't know if it helps any for you to know, but two of them are LGBT and one is straight. After my rocky journey, when my youngest told me she was Bi, I was not shocked, but I was also not thrilled. Not because I care who she loves(obviously I am gay)but because I was worried about society and I remember my own difficulties. So, even us gay parents worry about our kids and can struggle with fear as well. I really think it's a parent thing. (((HUGS)))
Wow. I'm really glad I'm not the only one who came out at this age and had to go back into the closet. And to the OP, it's alright hun <3 I'm sure as a parent it's very hard to find out your child is LGBT in any way really. There's always a hope, I'm sure, for your child- to meet a nice partner, have kids, etc, ect. And when your child comes out to you, that changes. It's alright to be scared or caught off guard. Yes, there are people who will dislike your son, or friends he will lose because of his sexuality. But that doesn't mean that there isn't hope. Take it from me- a couple of my very religious friends found out I was queer, and they didn't even blink, when I thought they would never speak to me again. Never worry before you give people a chance to be kind. <3 The fact that you're standing by him, and the fact that you let him know you would always stand by him no matter what, makes you an amazing mum, it truly does. A lot of us wish we had parents like you. At the end of the day, all your child needs is your love. And if you give them that, then hell, you've been a good parent.
No, you are not the only one. It happens all the time, trust me on this! LOL You are normal. My wife did the same thing.
