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Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help him

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Mumathome, Jan 8, 2016.

  1. Mumathome

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    I've never posted on any forum in my life untill now,I'm a single mother to a now 15 year old boy and a one year old boy, my eldest has always been a polite helpful considerate young man but earlier last year he seemed to switch to an angry aggressive confrontational boy with a severe attitude problem, I put it down to the baby being born because it has always been just the two of us as his dad walked out 11 years ago n never looked back then about halfway into the year he came home sobbing n completely broke down n told me eventually that he was gay, which was fine with me, I did my best to reassure him that I still loved him the same because I do n he will always be my baby whether he has a Boyf or a girlfriend, after that things seemed to improve between us it was almost like a weight had been lifted off his head n he was happier, but recently things have gone downhill again and his attitude sucks towards me and the baby we are constantly butting heads again and during a row a few weeks ago he finally admitted to me that he hates being gay and doesn't want to be but there's nothing he can do about it, I try my best to tell him it's okay but he is so angry n has stopped communicating with me, I fear he is depressed and struggling with accepting his sexuality but I don't know where to go or what to do to help him has anyone got any advice or experiences they could share with me please I feel isolated in this situation so I can't even imagine how my son feels n I really don't know what to do :icon_sad:
     
  2. cakepiecookie

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    First off, I'm glad you're being supportive. He's right at that age when his peers are no doubt super immature about stuff related to sexuality, so I imagine he's having a tough time at school.

    Can you get him into therapy? A support group for LGBT youth would also be helpful, but I can imagine he might not want to go if he's in denial/afraid of being outed.
     
  3. Chip

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    First, welcome to EC.

    Second, you are an awesome parent. So many kids (including many EC members) would love to have a parent as unconditionally loving and supportive as you are. So take the credit you deserve for that. :slight_smile:

    When anyone processes loss (in this case, loss of his identity that he is straight) there are stages we go through : denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't sequential always but everyone goes through each stage, and sometimes back and forth.

    It seems like he's somewhere between anger and bargaining. It sucks, it takes time, and the best you can do is be there for him. Feeling like you 'belong' is one of the most important things in high school, and being gay automatically means you don't 'belong' to the biggest social group: heterosexual people. So it can be extra hard.

    Therapy is a great idea if he is willing. Pointing him here is another great way to help. You might search through our archives and find a few threads of people who have been in similar situations. Often, just knowing others have been where he is can, in itself, help him feel more comfortable.

    He will get through it, and unfortunately, the best you can do is be supportive and be there as much as you can.
     
  4. guitar

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    I would imagine virtually every gay LGBT person has gone through what your son is presently going through. I've been exactly where your son is, and it was only a few years ago. Once I finally came to terms with being gay, I felt trapped by it. Everything was so new. I had several girlfriends and my sexuality therefore to everyone around me was straight. When you go on with the pretense of something that is a lie, but slowly begins to eat away at you. I didn't want to be seen as different. I didn't want to become that guy who weirded out his other straight friends and was looked at with suspicion I might secretly be into them.

    Like Chip said, this is a process he needs to go through. It's a really sucky time for most gay teens, especially if they see their sexuality as something negative - as almost all of us do when we're at this stage. Being gay is something that takes time getting used to. Thinking of yourself as gay even moreso. The thoughts of "why can't I stop being attracted to guys? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" can dominate your thoughts for years, decades even.

    The biggest thing that helped me BY FAR was getting to talk with other gay people about what I was going through. One night I messaged an old friend who I had heard from others who was gay and began chatting with him. Once I began to open up to him about how I was feeling, I began to feel a lot better. He shared his experiences with me and I began to learn that you can still be a perfectly happy person with dignity who's accepted if you're gay. Who you're attracted to doesn't make you any less of a person, even if some people out there make you want to feel this way. It will take time for your son to build himself up to this point. Being gay is different than being straight, and it can be very difficult to try and navigate this new world alone. If there are any LGBT youth groups/support groups, gay-straight alliances... anywhere he can go to be with people like him who accept him and have similar experiences.

    At the same time, there are a lot of books, TV shows, movies, etc. that can help. Again, reliability is going to matter to your son. I can't tell you how many gay people I know in my own life who have time me as a teen how much a show like Gravitation, Queer as Folk (this may be a bit too adult for him, though it's not porn), or even something more tame like The New Normal helped people when they needed it the most. If he likes reading, I would recommend Tales From Foster High or if he's into sports, Out of the Pocket. There is some fantastic LGBT fiction (not to mention real-life biographies) that deals with the coming out process that can be of great value to someone at his age.

    Right now he's at a stage where all he wants to do is fit in. God knows I did. I hid myself away for years and struggled with my attraction to guys. It was only finally when I truly began to realize that I am who I am, and nothing can change that, that I began to shed the shackles of trying to impress others by pretending to be something I wasn't. It takes most of us a long time to reach the point where we're ready to admit "I'm gay and that's okay." Your son will get there. He just needs role models and your continued love and support.
     
  5. europeanguy

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    hi, it could be internalised homophobia, i know what thats like, you feel massively guilty for being gay, even regret it. he needs something that will show him that its okay to be gay and maybe even more specifically something that proves to him and convinces him that its okay for specifically him to be gay as he may accept gay people just not him being gay by the sounds of it
     
  6. Mikelhpc228

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    HI Mumathome,
    I agree; You are an awesome parent!!! At 15 your son may continue to struggle with his orientation for some time. I am in my 50s, & am still sorting it out. It is not all or the other, there are shadings on the spectrum. He is also going through a transition of being the big brother, sometimes siblings become angry at the new baby, being replaced as he is no longer your "baby". The one year old baby requires 24hr/7day attention, which has changed the family dynamic. It might be helpful to meet with a therapist. You can also share some postings on EC from other young people in similar circumstances.
     
  7. Angie814

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    In addition to what others have said about seeing if he is interested in therapy or support groups, I would recommend trying to really listen to him. When someone is struggling, our natural instinct is to say it's okay, everything will be fine. Sometimes it can be more helpful to just acknowledge that things suck. When he says he hates being gay, ask him what he hates about. You don't have to try to fix it, but just listen, try to understand, and acknowledge and validate his feelings. Just having someone really hear you can sometimes help ease some of the pain.

    Also, many teenagers of all sexual orientations are miserable and crabby for a few years because of hormones and feeling like an adult but having to live by kid rules, so hold onto your seat, it may take a while.

    Props to you for being so supportive. He's got a much better chance of healthy adjustment with a caring parent like you to help him out!
     
  8. CapColors

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    Everything these other posters said is solid advice.

    I would just add that I think you are an incredibly strong to be so compassionate and considerate when you've just had a new baby and you are a single parent.

    A lot of adults would just freak out and shut down---having a teenager and a baby at the same time has got to be one of the hardest things a parent can do.

    Kudos to you.
     
  9. Mumathome

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    Thanks to you all for taking the time to Reply to my thread, thanks for all your support and brilliant advice, after several long conversations throughout this last month I've discovered that he does indeed have other issues weighing on his mind not just his sexuality but school and schoolwork, low self esteem and lack of confidence, the baby getting most of my attention and last but not least, friends or so called friends n their attitudes n comments towards the lgbt community, I have spoken to him about seeing a counsellor about all of the above issues and at first he refused but I told him they may be able to help him get things straight in his head n understand why he feels the way he does n just to get stuff off his chest in confidence to someone who isn't me can be a big help in itself and he has reluctantly agreed, so I'm going to get that sorted Monday Morning before he changes his mind! I will look into the local lgbt community and see what they have to offer n see if he is interested, and as for the tv shows and literature that has been mentioned in one post that is a brilliant idea thank you, as stupid as it sounds I never would have thought of that, I myself have watched queer as folk when it was first aired years ago n remember it being big news as there wasn't really anything like it on the tv before that, I will definately point him in the direction of the shows and literature you mentioned and research to find more if it helps, I'm so grateful for all the support and advice and I feel a bit more at ease knowing he is not the only one who has felt this way and in the end all who struggled like he doing now have come to terms and are happy and at peace with who you are. I haven't shown him this post or this site yet, I think he will be upset with me when I do but I am working my way up to it and when he's ready to hear these things you have all said I really think they will help him immensely, thank you so much! I'm still a worried mum but at least I have some ideas and direction now, many many thanks xxx
     
  10. LizSibling13

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    Mumathome, I have to say, thanks for being supportive of your son. As a Transgendered teen, (I'm about 85% sure I'm a MtF) I'm glad my parents are supportive of me and my MtF sister.
    Just keep the lines of communications open, and tell him to join EC (he's older than me...). If he needs info about being gay, EC will help him and you, too.
     
  11. colt

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    I like that idea a lot ^

    And I agree with a previous poster that said this type of thought process is (fairly) normal for individuals trying to find their identity. It sucks I know, but it sounds like you're an amazing mother! Someday he will look back kindly on how much you did to try and understand him....

    I don't really have any advice, but I did like Liz's suggestion
     
  12. LizSibling13

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    ^^^ Thank you, colt. ^^^(*hug*)
     
  13. whatdoIneed

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    Just a quick idea- maybe it might be good to agree NOT to know his user name so he can post more freely on here
     
  14. LizSibling13

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    True, What...great advice...
     
  15. gaymer4life

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    Relocating to a gay community or becoming more involved in gay events where acceptance is everywhere would be the ideal route. Where there are familiarities there is peace
     
    #15 gaymer4life, Feb 23, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2016
  16. RainbowBoyMom

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    Re: Im fine with my son being gay but he cant accept it and i dont know how to help h

    Mumathome, your son has doubts because of he is gay. I guess he is angry because he think he is a failure to you. What I mean is that he knows you won't have a grandkids from him and he thinks you are disappointed in him. Just tell him that you love him and tell him that no matter what he is the same great kid.

    Conner told me that he knows I'm disappointed in him, but I told him he is the same great boy he was. Tell him that no matter what you are with him.