Some Advice To Parents of a Gay Kid, From a Gay Kid

*I apologize in advance for the length, but please I encourage you to read*
I'm not sure that this is the right place to post this, but I know for a fact that parents of LGBT+ kids need to hear this. It is important. I don't have the opportunity to share this with my parents, and I don't think any other kid should have to keep this to themselves either. This is a little advice to parents who have LGBT+ plus kids from an LGBT+ kid.

First let me tell you the story of my coming out.

A little less than a year ago. I was outed to my parents. It doesn't matter how, but it happened. I was enjoying a day playing video games when my mom comes in and just starts spewing out a myriad of private letters I had written to a friend. She had found them and they were not complete, thank god, but they did outline many things I did not want them to know. Including my sexuality. I am a writer. It is what I do; it is what I am good at. I am also a consistent liar by practice, and that was my first resort. I told her it was part of a book I was writing, but at some point after 17 years of hiding you just can't keep something out of your eyes. Despite being a adept liar there was no hiding that this was me. It was true personification of my feelings in the form of words. It started a conversation. There was crying and the usual questions.

"How do you know?"
"Are you sure?"
"How can you know?"

There were more, but these are the ones that stick with me at night. It wasn't the questions that bothered me; I expected them. Welcomed them even. It was how they were said. With such indignation. they didn't believe me. It was a way of coping with confusion. With stress. But I moved on from that. I could move on from that. It is hard for parents to adapt to finding this out as much as it was for me. So i let it slide. They told me that they had never known they didn't even suspect it. Which again was fine.

All seemed to be fine. They weren't exactly ready to pull out rainbow flags, and start joining pride parades; but they were not kicking me out, they were not ridiculing me, they were not trying to change me. I had, and have it much better than most kids. But my parents made several fatal mistakes that have destroyed our relationship. I already lied to them consistently, hid things from them, and had never opened up to them about my feelings whatsoever. Hence waiting 17 years to tell them I was gay; and I hadn’t planned on telling them until I had moved out.

My parent’s first mistake was forcing me to go to a surprise therapy session. I had never shown signs of suicide, but gay immediately was the equivalent of suicidal in their minds. So they didn’t tell me and just brought me to a therapist. I didn’t want to go. I hated it. I went for them. They ended up getting mad at me for going so often. So I stopped.

The next two mistakes were specifically made by my mother. The first was right after I had come out. She still did not believe I was actually gay, and was going to try and tell me so nicely. A couple days or so later she decides to bring in articles from her damned Facebook about how boys who are overweight (which I am) can have lower testosterone and that it may have mixed feelings on boys and girls. Let me tell you the heartbreak I felt at having my mother; the most important person in my life, coming to me with this; with such excitement in her eyes. She had found the answer to the problem. I wasn’t really gay. I was just fat. Well let me tell you that I have not spoken to my mother about any of my issues after this. Our conversation is limited to small talk, and business. I don’t know that I will ever forgive her for this. It broke me in a way that I can’t explained. It mixes with next fatal mistake she made.

After one of my last therapy sessions in which the therapist suggested that my mother join us. The therapist revealed we needed to talk more. I was, reluctantly, willing to try. That night we tried. I dipped my toe in the water of things I felt were wrong. Her only response was to get me pills or get over it. Suck it up where her exact words. There I was crying on the couch and her only advice: Pills or suck it up. There was a total shut down between my mother and I. My dad and I don’t talk much about anything serious. I knew he didn’t like the thought of me being gay so I didn’t bring it up. My mother and I have not uttered another word about it in almost a year.

My mother made one more fatal mistake. She kept me in the closet. After telling them, there seemed to be no point in hiding it from everyone else. I had told one other person, and now it was everyone else’s turn. But my mother told me no. She scared me and guilted me into staying in the closet. So here I am 18 years old still looking for support on anonymous forums when it should be in the next room or down the street. Not only did this limit my support it made me feel worthless and subhuman. Yet another barrier in the relationship between my mother and I.

So now that my overwhelmingly long story is over, let me get to my advice. If it is not already apparent, I cannot stress it enough; Never, and I mean never invalidate your child for any reason. For their feelings, their sexuality, their fears, nothing. You create a barrier right away, and there is not turning back most of the time. At such a young age, this invalidation teaches your child that there is no point in talking about any of this. These feelings they can’t get rid of are not real. There is no reason to talk to their parents about it. That is how they will rationalize it, but they will still feel them, and wonder how they are supposed to deal with it. And to get completely ominous, most kids deal with it by getting rid of it. Their feelings, their emotions, their lives. They get rid of it just to stop feeling.

Talk to your children. There is no one more helpful and comforting on this earth than a parent. No matter how mad I was at my mother, all I wanted was her to hug me and tell me it was okay to be sad, and that everything was going to be alright. No parent can read minds, and that is okay, but know your child wants support. If it becomes too much, they will let you know.

Being LGBT+ has become much more acceptable in recent years, but it isn’t easy. Do not invalidate your children and definitely do not hide them. Children are meant to admire their parents. And we do as long as we are not given a reason to. Hiding them also makes them feel worthless, wrong, or less of a human. Your child may not want to come out, but if they want to encourage it! It is something exciting and new; celebrate it! Do not force your child back into the closet. It just leads to more bottled up feelings.

If you have made it this far with me thank you for doing so. I realize that this is long, but I know it is important. I want to make the comment that I love both of my parents dearly. They are my world, and I would not want any other parents. But in saying that they made some drastic mistakes in dealing with my coming out and sexuality. I can’t completely blame them; they had never dealt with this before they were scared and uncertain. They royally messed up though and that is irreparable which is devastating to me, and they don’t even know. They made mistakes and so will you as a parent, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. So please take the story and advice of a gay kid, and know that if your child is coming out, thinking about coming out, or has come out, that they are scared and extremely brave and need an immense amount of support and acknowledgement. I hope this helped, and if you have any questions or comments I would love to hear and try my best to help. Thank you.

 

Wow, thank you so much. I really wanted to make an impact with this story. I'm glad to hear it has positive impact from a parent. I really don't want to come off like I hate my parents; I don't. I love them so much! This is just something I find very important. Thank you for your amazing reply it means a lot!