I was looking at my son's followers on Instagram and noticed that he is following and being followed by a couple of lgbtq accounts. When I looked at the pages they are clearly kids and contain enouraging sayings and memes about being ok. Nothing untoward at all. But it made me wonder. I am not sneaking around looking at his stuff. We set up the account for him and he has some strict rules about having an account. He can only accept invites from people he knows and we hold the login and password to his account. We also follow him. He is 12, and not yet in full puberty (per the doc he's a "late bloomer"). He has had crushes on girls and even acts awkward around those girls. He is too young to date and is actually mortified by the thought of it when I bring up dating. Anyway, today I asked him about the stuff he follows on Instagram. We went through all the followers. Turns out he knows the girls that run the two accounts. They all went to school together last year and they are lesbians. I told him that was cool just making sure he didn't accept from random strangers, Internet safety and all. We chatted some more and he started to seem a bit upset and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he thinks he might be gay. He said that he thinks he likes one of his friends but he doesn't want to tell him because it might be awkward. I told him that was ok and that me and his dad love him and we don't care who he likes as long as he is happy. I also told him that he doesn't need to tell his friend till he's sure. It's the same as liking a girl, you don't have to announce every feeling as soon as you feel it. Sit back until you are comfortable, wait and see. And 12 is too young to date anyway. We talked a lot and he said he isn't sure because he has also liked girls. I told him it was fine, a lot of people wonder. Maybe it's a "man crush" where you feel admiration rather than romantic feelings. It happens when you really admire traits in someone. But also it could be that you actually do like him that way. Time will tell. Again, either way we love him. He asked how you know, and really I don't have an answer. I asked him if he wanted to talk to our family friend. She is a lesbian and she is like his aunt. He declined. He also wondered if he was feeling this way because he's been reading about it a lot lately. Again I was noncommittal with a "maybe". We have always taught and displayed love and respect for all people. We have several close friends that are out and it has never been a secret to him. I guess I'm searching for a way to answer his questions. I don't want to say the wrong thing, I don't want to say "you are" or "you aren't". I just want to reassure him. We love him so much and all we want is for him to be happy. I remember how he used to ask me "what do you want me to be when I grow up?" The answer was and always will be happy. I want to help him navigate this confusing time. What to do? He has questions that I can't answer. BTW, I asked him if it was ok to talk to his dad about it and he said yes. We did that when we got home and he was just as "cool". Like I said we both don't care either way, we just want to make sure we say the right stuff.
Puberty is a normal age for one to be questioning one's sexuality and it can be confusing. I know I questioned my own sexuality before 12, but the older I got the harder it became to understand, however, your son obviously has amazing support throughout this important part of his life which I think will make it easier on him. Kudos to you and his dad for wanting him to be nothing but happy no matter who or how he is For every person there's a different approach, and I can give you some advice on how I would have liked to been guided through this myself, but again, only you will really know what's best and not best to bring up to him as you know your son way better than I do. The first thing I would do is mention bisexuality though. You said he's told you he's had crushes on girls and from what you know, this is his first guy crush. Sometimes people shut out the possibility of bisexuality as some people don't believe in it for one reason or another, but in the questioning stage I had completely overlooked it even though I knew about it. I would give him a reminder that it's okay to like both girls and boys, and that you don't necessarily have to choose either, not now or ever if he's decides he still likes both in the future. Don't forget to bring up that sexuality is fluid and can change. He can identify as gay, straight, or bi now and change his mind later. That's normal and perfectly okay. Later in life some people may give him trouble for this as some people don't think this way, but your presence and belief and support in him should help him through this. Of course some people know just naturally, some go through a lot of questioning, and some have to experiment with dating and relationships. You're stricter than my parents were because they were fine with my siblings and I having relationships in middle school, but to each family their own and I can still understand your concerns. Besides, he might not be ready to date if he is questioning, and you should also remind him it's okay not to know; he doesn't need to have the answer right away. Sometimes you just have to meet the right person to finally get the full grasp of your feeling and sometimes people just have those 'Aha!' moments. Because he is 12 I'm not sure how this would apply to him, but how I knew I was bisexual was that I could see myself in a long-term relationship with either. My problem was I just needed an answer and couldn't get an answer, which only frustrated me more and took it longer to figure out. Of course, the older one gets and when hormones start kicking in, relationships aren't going to be the only thing on a teenage boy's mind and I'm not sure where your position lies on sex education with your own children. Another way to understand one's sexuality, at least coming from my own experience, was that I was nervous to become sexually involved or seeing myself sexually involved with either male or female, but I could see either happening in the end, pushing aside my insecurities. If he understands you love and support him, and that this is all okay, hopefully whenever this begins to cross his mind he won't freak out and begin rejecting it or feel negative about where his thoughts are heading. I've heard people who have done this and then they basically shut themselves off from others or built internalized homophobia which can result in many problems including self-loathing or disgust or outright mean streaks toward those who do identify with being gay or lesbian. But I don't think your son has much to worry about on this. Nevertheless, it's always good to keep an eye on him. He's in the early teenage years and myself still being a teenager can say this was an extraordinarily tough and unpredictable time in general without my sexuality brought into it. Furthermore - again speaking from my own experience - he might be hesitant to talk to you about his questioning or feelings and whatnot. He probably won't share much with you, depending on what kind of open relationship you have with him. It's okay to initiate the topic once in a while, but I wouldn't bring it up too much at first, not until he warms up to it and begins to speak more openly about it by initiating the conversation himself. Myself I liked to keep things like this to myself and didn't like it being initiated into conversation by others. I had to do it. Again, I don't know your son and can't say if he'd be the same. If he's the type that needs to talk things out, then by all means talk about it frequently. If he's the type that needs to think things over alone, give him some time and space, occasionally bringing it up if you feel the need to, whether you want to know if he's reached any conclusions or what his thoughts are now on the matter. Additionally, you're right on the not wanting to say "you are" or "you aren't". Reassurance is great and at times the only thing other people can do until the person figures it out because in the end only he will be able to know if he is or isn't gay (or bisexual). I don't know about middle schools, but when he gets to high school he can always join the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) club, which does include straight and/or questioning individuals, not just people already certain they're LGBT. This could help him out being around others like him or others outside the family that he can call allies and friends. As for how you know? That's really a difficult question to answer. Posing questions about what he can and can't see himself doing might help unless his answers are all "I don't know" or "Maybe". Figuring out your sexuality is basically figuring out what attracts you to another person. Maybe if he keeps in mind that it's all right to do whatever comes naturally to him, he can get his answer. Right now he likes a boy. That came naturally. He doesn't want to talk to that boy and that's okay. At that age kids are usually too bold or too shy or too awkward to do things about crushes (from my own observations) and when one doesn't know if the other person is gay or LGBT friendly/positive, it makes it harder to talk to others about your feelings. Patience is probably the best advice. I'm sorry. I'm not sure if this helps at all. But if you still don't get answers, since your son can't create an account on Empty Closets himself until he's 13, maybe you could get him to write down questions he has and you can post them for him then relay the answers or let him read them himself (whichever you feel more comfortable with him doing). I hope I could answer some part of your question or at least give you some insight. If not, I hope another person can. I wish you and your son the best of luck in this journey you're going through together.
Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. I truly just want him to never feel alone or ashamed. As for dating. We just think middle school is too young. You have a lot going on academically, emotionally, and physically. Why add a girlfriend/boyfriend in the mix? He's in 6th grade, he could barely talk to the girl he liked, let alone date her. Sex education that has always been open, frank conversation. He even asked why they didn't cover gay sex in the class they just had at school. I laughed and told him they were lucky they covered any sex at all. And we proceeded to talk about it though he does get a little squirmy on the technical bits. Intellectually he knows what goes where...coming to the realization that one day it will be him is another story. And he knows that we will always answer any of his questions. Maybe we are in better shape than I thought. He's my baby (don't tell him I said that) and I love him.
I think you have done a great job and it's so pleasing to hear from a parent who offers love and reassurance. It will mean the world to him to have your unconditional support. How does one know? It comes with time. Like your son, I started to think I was gay in my early teens, but it took a few more years before I was confident enough to say it and really believe it. It's a journey and with parents as good as you he'll find it a lot easier. There are books avaikable for parents and it may help you to do a bit of reading, also check out PFLAG website and contact them for help and support.. if you need it. Thanks for being a supportive parent.
Hey E's mom. Your post shows so much love and a very open, supportive approach to helping your son figure things out. I echo H2O's suggestion of deliberately talking about bisexuality. And, if your son is a reader, perhaps consider helping him see himself in stories by having some LGBT YA fiction around the house. One of the best lists of recommended novels I know of can be found here: https://dailydahlia.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/a-quiltbag-yana-compendium/. My top recommendation would be SIMON VS. THE HOMO SAPIENS AGENDA by Becky Albertalli.
Thanks for all of the advice everyone. This whole parenting thing doesn't come with an instruction manual.
If parenting came with a manual we wouldn't have funny stories to tell others about how we all think our family is more warped than everyone else's and what fun would that be?
I don't really know what advice to give, but I just want to say that you are doing a great job by accepting that so positively. A lot of kids grow up with the fear of ever having their parents know their sexuality, and I just respect you for being so loving.
I just want to say first of all you and dad are awesome parents! You have a communication between you and your son. He feels safe to share his feelings. That is amazimg! I was always ashamed to say even though my parents wouldn't care. Keep the open communication you have and let him be him. Don't take offense please about the late puberty but I knew I was different in feelings and attractions long before that happened to me.
Hi Esmom, My daughter is 12 and is questioning. So I feel an affinity with you and read all the responses with much curiosity. Good luck to you!!
Esmom, as a 13 year old MtF, just keep the communication lines open with him. What ever happens, he knows he can talk to you and his dad, just like I can. Unfortunately, some teens can't talk to their parents.
I have two middle school daughters my oldest has had a boyfriend(the same one) since kindergarten.... people used to scold me for allowing her to basically call her best friend her boyfriend. She was always willing to abide by my boundaries so i never had issue with it. once she hit middle school all of her friends went boy crazy, new one each week. For her she learned to engage approperately with the opposite sex and how to appropriately develop a "romantic" relationship. We have been able to talk about things though the years because i didn't ban the idea and they would occasionally have supervised "dates". Her friends now (both male and female) who haven't been permitted to "date" or have boyfriend/girlfriend are doing it anyway and just leaving their parents in the dark. I have talked to a parent who says their child isn't allowed to date and the next day seen their child kiss their boyfriend of the week walking home from school. Just some food for thought
