My 12 year old just came out to me

Hi Momofboys,
First of all, like Chip said, thank you for being such a wonderfully supportive parent for your two boys. If every LGBT child had parents like yours, so many more of the problems facing LGBT people would be greatly diminished.

Anyways, regarding your advice to your son. I think Chip's advice of wanting to clarify your position for your son works. Ultimately you love him and support him, and want him to be safe, not ostracized, etc.

I'm of two minds with regard to your advice: On the one hand, once the news is out there, it could take a turn for a worse and he could lose friends, get bullied, etc. Then again, teens today are SO MUCH more tolerant than they were even 10 years ago when I was in highschool. Back then, nobody I knew who was gay actually came out until after highschool. Like I said, it wasn't quite the same as it is today with LGBT visibility. But still, they wanted to be free from the torment of school before making it known to others who they really were.

On the other hand, coming out could be very liberating for your son. For one thing, it raises the chances of him getting to experience teen dating much more likely because he will be visible to other gay guys in his school. In my highschool, there was 1 gay kid who was out (he was outted by a friend unintentionally). He was - sadly - bullied quite a bit and ostracized a lot of the time. At the same time, because people knew he was gay, he was able to have other gay guys talk to him in private about what they were going through. People knew he was gay. He didn't need to pretend to be dating a girl, or have to hide from the topic if it came up.

Plus, I can tell you first hand that since leaving the closet, I have so much less worry and anxiety in my life. Who cares if someone finds out if I'm gay? I AM gay. I don't have that worry about "this person knows, this person doesn't." I'm not lying through pretense anymore, and it's done wonders for my mental health. Again, these are all things for you and your son to talk about and consider. Highschool can be hell even for the most popular of people. Hormones are raging, kids are just learning about themselves, everyone wants to be accepted.

 

Hi there, another mother here. I am in a bit of a rush so my message will be short. First of all, great to see that you are taking this so well, focusing on your son first and foremost - especially since he is your second child coming out as gay. Your son has an advantage in this as he can hopefully talk to his older brother, get advice from him?!

On your specific question whether you reacted well by cautioning your son about being open at school that he is gay. I believe this is a normal advice, based on life experience. We know it's not all rosy with the world and some kids can be cruel as they have not acquired yet much wisdom, tolerance and understanding. You will be continuing your conversation with your son and have the chance to clarify that you do not mean for him to hide who he is, rather be careful not to expose himself to unwanted grief from his peers.

You may want to consider in your advice to him what you know about his school in terms of bulling policies, liberal views in general and on LGBT in particular. If you have confidence in the environment at school, you would want to support your son to come out sooner rather than later and live without the anxiety of hiding himself from friends and peers, as this will affect his capacity of developing friendships etc. - I support strongly what Guitar advised on this one.

best wishes from down under.

 

Hi, first I have to just agree with the other guys here, it's amazing that you have taken this action to help your son/s. A quick glance through this forum will show you that not all parents are as accepting and certainly not all young people are as lucky.

I just wanted to share with you from my own experience coming out to my mum all those years ago when I was at high school. I came out (I wasn't ever really in but I'm not so obviously gay I suppose) to my friends at school first. I got a lot of attention but very little negative. There was some attempt at bullying but it wasn't anything I tolerated for long. However what really scared me was telling my family. I wasn't as fortunate as your sons to have an open family and I my relationship with my parents was very distant.
When it came to the time I told my mum, I knew she already knew it but she didn't want it to be true. She told me "I'm OK with you being gay... but other people in the family won't be, so I don't want you to tell anyone" I asked who and she avoided answering - nobody in my family ever said anything bad about it. She also said "It's OK if you have to be gay but I don't want you to have a boyfriend" I asked why, she said "because you will get AIDs and I don't want that".
The damage that that conversation did to our relationship has never been repaired. I told mum because I wanted her to accept me, all she wanted to do was play pretend happy families and protect her reputation. It was the 90s and I understand her health concerns now but back then what I understood her to be saying is "If you're going to be awkward and choose to be gay then I want you to be lonely and unhappy for your whole life".
My point is that whilst I don't think you have any bad intention at all that might not be how your son interprets it unless you clearly explain to him why you want him to not tell anyone.
The reason I say that my relationship within my mum is still not healed is because amongst other things, she has never apologised for hurting me. It wouldn't take much to do that.
So my point is that I honestly think you're doing the right thing by supporting your sons and acknowledging that they are both such different situations but please speak to him and make sure that he understands why you said that. Offer an apology if he has been hurt by you saying that and remember to make sure he knows that that is your preferred choice but not the only choice. Whatever he decides to do, you will support him but don't forget to remind him of that.
I wish my mum had been as good about it as you are. Good luck.

 

I think it is awesome that you are supportive of your son and have no negative feelings about him being gay. But on the flip side it took a lot of courage for him to come tell you. Then he has to hear that he needs to stay in the closet even from his mother. My mother did the same thing, and it hurts. It is a horrible thing to hear. And believe me I do not say this to hurt you or say you have done anything wrong. You handled his coming out well, and your reasoning and mentality are beautiful; not many parents are so ready to accept so quickly. So I do commend you, but I think you really should sit him down again and tell him that you think him telling friends and family should be his choice, his terms, his time. It will make him feel a lot more comfortable and safer knowing you stand behind him fully. It may even make him take pause. I think you should also explain to him why you told him to wait to tell people because it will allow him to really consider your point of view and realize that you only said it to keep him safe. It sounds like you love your kids a lot. Great job on being an awesome mom! I hope it goes well!

 

Momofboys, welcome to EC. I'm a 13 year old girl who was a boy. My sister, Liz, is the same, so mom and dad are supportive. I'm glad your 12 year old son and you have a great relationship, that you can talk. Tell him that he is loved, don't worry about bigots and that someone will be out there for him. (I do, my best friend that was my first friend at school in first grade, and when I was a boy).

:welcome:

 

Momofboys, I guess your feelings are the same as mine. I don't want Connor to be bullied at school, yet I want him and Talon to be able to be normal around themselves. It is so hard to express my feelings, yet I'm there to let him talk to me.

 

Wow, I think your son has the best environment imaginable to come out in, of course supportive parents such as yourself make every bit of difference. But having an older brother is even better, there are some little things he just won't want to talk about as that relate-ability isn't there (this isn't your fault, but it is just there), my friends accepted me no problem and of course they asked questions but there are just some things I wouldn't talk to them about as I feel they just wouldn't 'get it'. But having an older sibling who (I hope) is approachable and has probably felt all these things just takes a lot of the stress out

 

Aww, you sound like a loving and wonderful mother. My opinion on this is that it would be a really good idea to talk to your son again, tell him you were feeling unsure about having told him not to tell others he's gay, something about that wasn't feeling quite right to you, so you checked in with with some lgbt folks and they helped you understand that the decision to tell others he's gay, or to not tell, is really something he gets to decide for himself, that you understand that's not yours to decide, it's his. Of course explain the risks of telling (taking into account everything you know about the culture where you live and the culture at his school) then encourage him to really listen to his own gut and his own wisdom as he decides how to proceed in different places and with different people. Then make sure he knows you have his back 100% regardless of how he proceeds, and then do your best to trust his wisdom on this (even when/if things seem rough).

Best to you kind lady!

Oh, and you mentioned feeling sad. I guess I just want to acknowledge that. Feelings certainly do have a way of cropping up around this issue. I hope you find some space and support to honor and experience and process your sadness in a way that feels nurturing to you.

 

Hi, momofboys
I don't think you said the wrong thing to him, I just think that you should talk to him and tell him and what you said wasn't in a bad way. You can tell him that he is just fine the way he is but sometimes (in some places) people don't understand that and he needs to know who are really his friends and who are not. If he wants to tell this at school, he needs to be sure who are those good people that can understand and won't judge him.

 

Hi and welcome"

I think you handled it well, though perhaps you didn't say exactly what you might have chosen to say if you'd been more prepared for that conversation. I think you should just talk to him about it again and explain what you've explained here - that you don't want him to feel like he has to hide it, just that you can't help but worry because kids can be cruel. I would also tell him that you'll have his back if he does decide to come out to more people.

 

Firstly, I want to say, thanks for being so supportive. My heart takes a leap for every parent I see here who are so supportive and caring for their kids. :eusa_clap (*hug*)

There's a lot I'd say that's been covered already.
I just want to say though, the choice of coming out is ultimately his choice and that while you think he should be careful about who he comes out to or wait a while before coming out (which I 100% understand), you should make it clear to him that you'll support him 100% of the way and he'll always be able to talk to you if he's having issues or feeling down.

And like I said before - thank you.

 

Hi,

Another mom here (daughter came out at 11). I agree with so much on this thread!

If you think your son was upset by what you said, I would remember how your son seemed to take your words and guess his emotional reaction and reflect that back to him. You might have picked up something from his body language or tone of voice. For instance, you might start off with, "Hey, when we spoke the other day, you seemed really down after I said ___."

And then let him talk, with you continuing to listen and reflect back to him. This will let him express and explore fully what is bothering him about what you said, or other things from the past that are coloring his reaction. We never know until we listen.

Once he feels heard, there is often an emotional release or a shift in energy (like a grin, or crying). That's when I would then move in with what you have to say. He will be better able to absorb your message because his feelings have been identified, acknowledged and processed, so his empathic, thinking, reasoning parts of the brain will be fully on line now.

I have three kids and I believe listening deeply with empathy is a really important first gift we can give when we suspect our children are experiencing negative emotions.

If you think he was fine with what you said but you are just worried, then you can move in and just be honest and clarify like so many others have advised.

Good luck!!

 

I agree.
When I came out to the first few people that I came out to, they just let me talk. Let me rant. It was... incredibly, incredibly refreshing, to be able to talk so openly.

It'd be on a whole other level for it to be acknowledged and accepted by my family. Not to put them down (they're great people, I love them and I'm pretty sure they'll accept me), but I'm still scared.
I'd imagine it would be the same for your son.

By listening you can allow them to just... say things they've wanted to say for a long time. As if speaking freely for the first time. Let him say what he wants to say and support him the entire time.

Also, Supportivemom, thanks for being so accepting of your daughter. (*hug*)

There's too many horror stories already.

 

Tell him to only tell people he trusts. People he is sure would not go against him. People who would like him no matter what.

He can start with his closest friend. However, i think its a HORRIBLE idea to come out via text message. If the guy he came out to is against gays, he could just take a screenshot and humiliate him in front of everyone else.

Even though it might be the hardest way to do it, the best way to come out is in real life. 1 by one. That way, if someone doesnt accept him, he/she might bully your son for being gay, but he/she wont have any proof that your son is gay. Worst case your son could just bully them back without any proof :lol: . You mentioned that your son is tough, and has no fear... Etc. So you shouldnt worry about him.

I hope i helped

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