Brother is 27 and I think he is Gay

I wouldn't say it straight in his face. At least for me I would get in defense and say no.

Did you already try to give him hints that it's OK? Being open to him about gay rights and implicitly asking him is a totally different thing.

 

Hey welcome to Ec he may be gay he may not Just support him because no matter what he's family he's your brother Maybe When your talking to him one day ask him are you gay? If you are I'm supportive and I will not tell anyone cuz I still love you I wish you luck ☺️

 

I can respond based on my own circustances as a brother who is still coming terms with his sexuality. My only sister supports me UNCONDITIONALLY, whilst my parents only accept me CONDITIONALLY and that's a big differenece.
Please support him UNCONDITIONALLY, because having someone in the family who loves you for who are are is PRICELESS (*hug*)

 

As a 26 year old who recently came out to my brother, it would have been a lot easier if my brother had just asked me. (he didnt even suspect me though so that was never going to happen.)

 

If you continue to make the right noises and show support towards LGBT people it will sink in with him and give him the confidence to talk, in his own time, if your suspicions are correct.

Have you asked him about relationships in a neutral kind of way, avoiding specific references to girlfriends or boyfriends? Is he looking for someone? It might be worth asking him when you are both alone.

Sometimes we worry about asking directly, but it's often the tip-toeing around the subject that is worse for people who are in the closet. When a trusted person asks us directly it gives us permission to be honest about our feelings and that can be rather liberating. If you are close to your brother and you feel sure that he is gay don't be afraid to ask in a reassuring way -- he may appreciate it.

 

100% agree. Reading this kind of smacked me in the face because I've done this many times. Whenever people tiptoed around the subject, often times I would deny it. When asked outright "are you gay?" it was so much easier to answer yes.

My mom & brother both asked me directly and it was so much easier just to say yes because the person obviously has their suspicions already.

If you do directly ask your bro point blank, make sure to follow it up with "I love you and support you whoever you love and whatever your sexuality. I don't have to tell a soul, this can just be between us. I've got your back."

 

this^

 

DO NOT ask him if he is gay. If he's closeted or in-denial, he'll get defensive and clam up. I would show my support so if and when he is ready to, he'll know who to turn to.

How is his relationship with the other members of the family?

 

A13Aflowers

I have found in asking someone they may feel like its attack and quickly revert with a quick “NO”. NO I am not and Im not so sure you would get a true answer. I would say that you just need try to try grow a deep connection with him. The more deeply connected you are with him....the more easily it will be for your brother to confide in you.

Things to consider is yes.... is he might not be gay. He might be Bi, Trans or straight and if your brother is in a state of denial he is the only one that can bring him self to his own reality. It cant to pushed, but it can be supported with trust and comfort

And let say “Yes” If you brother is gay he will need to feel his comfort in his self.. to self express. Its wonderful that you are worried, but your job is to simple offer support him

I would say don't worry about his sexuality. Worry about facts...Worry if hes depressed, self hurting or withdrawing from life. Facts are what someone needs to worry about! Does he seem withdrawing? Or depressed?

So advice my advice is to make time to spend time together to go for a walk and share your self with him and when he talks.... really listen! dont jump in...just let him speak without interruptions. Let the trust build naturally.

Sinergy

 

A13Aflowers,

Part of the problem is that is he *27*. Unfortunately, I didn't have the kind of support that kids today have and the openness, and people on youtube telling their coming out stories to build courage upon. I came out at 29.

If he's anything like me, directly asking him if he's gay won't do a thing. He won't admit anything until in his mind he's ready to admit and accept it himself first, then he can begin to admit it to other people. It really doesn't matter how "caught" he is, it can all be easily explained away. Why's he listening to Cyndi Lauper "Girls Just Want to Have Fun"? Cause he digs 80s music. Why's he got that pink feather boa around his neck? It was cold and he needed a scarf, it was handy. Whats that bottle of lube and dildo doing in his drawer? He working on building a new kind of mouse trap using spring loaded latex. I think you get the point.

Seriously though, I could say it to myself long before I could ever say "I'm Gay" out loud to another person. For me, saying it out loud made it so much more real. It was a door that once I walked through, I couldn't ever go back. And that could mean a lot more that just admitting he's gay. For example, you say he talked about wanting children. For me, coming out meant saying goodbye to that dream forever. It doesn't matter if there are other options, or circumstances, thats what it meant for me when I was in the closet. It also meant the people I loved would never look at me the same again, and perhaps, with less love and respect. The fear of this had built up within me so much that I was certain I would be completely alone if the truth was ever found out.

The irony is that the fear of being cast out makes you isolate yourself and forces you to be more alone that if you were open and honest and just lived your life. I guess what finally made me come out was that I was so suicidally miserable that I reached that point that I *HAD* to come out because I couldn't live my life the way I had been. The pain of being in the closet finally outweighed the pain of someone finding out. I had to find out if I would be accepted and loved and if not..well..then I would proceed from there.

So thats my take. I would absolutely be there for him. Being openly accepting of lgbt issues in front of him. Let him know how much you love him and will be there for him. But also be prepared in case he just isn't ready to admit it out loud because he might not be fully ready to admit it to himself and accept what that means...even if its irrational fears in his own mind that he has to come to grips with, it's all very real to him.

 

Hello! The thing is, your brother might be gay but you cannot be sure until you ask him. Wait though, you should give him time so that he can firstly fully accept himself. After that, he WILL come out to you, trust me. Maybe try dropping hints that you are supportive if he were to come out to you. Again, he might not be gay. Just give him time and thank you for supporting him and being a great sibling to him.

 

Scanner. Very VERY well said. Virtually everything you wrote goes double for me. That really laid down a lot of my closeted mentality of why I wouldn't come out. And I was directly asked by friends and family over several years. Like you say, if YOU aren't ready to admit it to yourself - and even if you are - until you're ready to say it out loud to others, it's pointless.

 

The quote above made me cry when I read it. In a good way.

Listen to your gut--if it is telling you that it might be a good idea to directly ask your brother, then do. And say the stuff above too.[/I]

Probably about ten years ago I had a therapist (who I liked and trusted and had been seeing for about five years) point blank ask me if I was gay. I was gay but had no idea that I was--I figured it out about a year and a half ago. At the time I told her that lots of people ask me that, but I'm not. It wasn't upsetting to me at all, but also didn't really help me figure out that I was gay.

I think though if someone I really trusted asked me if I was gay two or maybe three years ago, it would have hit me differently and may have been helpful.

Best to you!

 

A13Aflowers thanks for the reply

If facts are bad... lets dig in a little deeper and I will share more in depth cause this is concerning. If you feel in your heart that it might make the difference to open that door. I think you should!! I would hate for you to have regret and I would hate the fact that maybe if you just said something...it made all the difference in the world!

Like you I pondered asking.... if my son was gay. I sat waiting and waiting wanting him in come out on his own, but as time passed my son begun withdrawing and so closed up.

As a mom it deeply hurt me I was open and I felt that I couldn't just sit and wait. I was concerned. (maybe he was just afraid and built a large wall of fear) so I broke and asked him if how he identified as bi, guy or straight? and of course he very quickly said “I'm straight”. I said, are you sure? He again quickly said “im straight” I said OK I thought u might say something different, but OK and I said, I am OK with whatever your sexuality it is.

I thought he would run away and hide in his room, but he didn't. He wanted to spend the whole evening with me and he was happy, lightened and weirdly smiled at me that evening. Maybe I needed to open the door a crack. I thought to my self I wont ask again. I will again sit and wait again til hes ready.

I know my advice was first to wait, but if you are concerned for his well being...maybe you have too!! My personal thought today is maybe... I had to ask my son!!!...maybe that was a shift. Because our relationship deepened and we got closer and connected. A Shift...He didn't give the answer that I was wanting that day. It took him a year to tell me that he was “gay”. He dropped tints and I planted seeds. He would say...... You don't know anything about me?... and I would say, I think I do!. He would say... people hate me and are against me...and I would say you are a great person and if they don't like you ..you don't want that kind of person in your life. You are great!! He would say that he was a good liar and I would say...I think I might know what your thinking!!

I never played dumb... I was never relieved to say THE END he said “NO” my son is straight My thought was....O NO.... I never thought to ask if maybe he was “transgender”. What if I didn't open the door right?

And maybe the real truth is I wasn't prepared at that time. For all years I thought and know he was gay and the true truth is.... he hadn't lied either that day. He currently identifies to the world as “Gay” but after bonding with my son... he has confided to me that possibly he may want to be Transgender and I continue to support him because I just love him! I want him to be happy and I will follow him to the end of the world and I am 100% happy in his journey

i will also post this on your wall.... i need you to get my message

sinergy

 

A couple of members have said the same thing here as I experienced. I am 28 now, but came out a couple years ago. I knew I was gay but was so scared of telling anyone because how people treated me at school and what not...

If you asked me I would have denied it and got very uncomfortable, I would suggest that the only way to help your brother is to make him feel really comfortable talking with you, and in a private relaxed place ask him but tell him that you are fine if he is, but want to help him.

That said my question would be why you think he is gay, for my sister in your boots she knew because I wasn't interested in Women at all, and didn't talk about sex and relationships in any level, and got really uncomfortable talking about LGBT stuff. She didn't know of any relationships I had or anything because I was on total lock down, as is the case with a lot of gay guys who get passed University age without having come out I would imagine.

All I can suggest is that you try and figure out why you think he might be gay, and in a safe environment tell him it's okay and ask him, but be prepared for a backlash if he isn't or is really uncomfortable in himself about it.

You might otherwise approach it a different way given my own example above, of asking if he is seeing anyone/interested in anyone... Ask which girls/boys he likes or what ever... Something to allow him to be himself without using that big scary phrase "Yes, I am gay" which was horrendous to me at that point outside of whispering it to myself.

 

The most important thing to be is supportive. If something comes up on the news, say the overturn on the ban of same sex couples adopting in Mississippi, you could make a comment about how great it is that equality is making such great strides.