Help for rules on sleep overs

I take your son is gay? Are you worried him sharing a bed with a male? Or are you thinking it's OK him to share a bed with a girl since he is gay?

I'm not sure is there really any need to regulate where they sleep. I mean do you have a particular concern in mind? Do you worry that your son might have sex with a friend? Or that he or someone else might pressurize him or them to do something they are not ready for?

What do the parents of the other kids think about sharing a bed?

 

My parents never set any rules. I had sleepovers with boys and girls and also shared beds with boys, and my parents have never been concerned about that.

 

Rather than rules, I'd work on establishing open communication and trust. At fifteen, many kids are sexually active. Many aren't. Whether or not your son is having sex, it's good for him to have access to information about how to navigate healthy relationships and ensure sexual health.

 

The fact you're here shows you're already doing everything right. (*hug*)
Thanks for caring about your son so much, it shows.

I'd say that if you had rules before your son opened out about their identity to you in regards to sleepovers, it might be a good idea to keep those rules the same or similar to then - obviously with some details flipped as apropriate. It'll show that truly nothing has changed and you see your son the same way as before.

Regardless just communicate with your son. Make sure to set boundaries, but it might help to have some wriggle room for him. Ultimately you and your son know your situation better than anyone else - so insight from him could make a difference.

Also, I would like to reiterate the usefulness of giving your son access to resources and information.

 

I would like to give some perspective from a younger persons point of view. (I am currently 25 years old, so I have been out of high school for 7 years.)

While it is inherent that you will want to protect your son, the whole sleepover rules simply don't work at all. They are used to help the parent feel better, (at the expense of the child) and makes no difference in whether or not a kid will be sexually active if they want to be. Please don't delude yourself into thinking that you can make rules or brainwash your kid into not exploring their sexuality when they feel ready.

Sleeping with someone is not a prerequisite for having sex with them. Neither is being night-time when it happens. Having seen what happens when others that were sexually active in high-school and had these rules in place made it seem like something that was a bad parenting move. Those who wanted to have sex, (without a safe place to explore because of naive rules set by there parents) circumvented these attempts:

A.) Lying about who they were staying over with when sleeping over at "friends" houses
B.) Risking public indecency charges for having sex in a public place or a car
C.) Having sex at their parents house when they were not there
D.) Sneaking their partner/date in after their parents went to sleep

This is why abstinence programs have been a total failure... It's not going to stop teens from having sex. The best thing you can do is be open regarding this subject with your son and answer any questions that he may have honestly. If you exaggerate risks and lie about the experiences that can happen, then you will lose his trust on these issues. (younger generations are great at using google to find information when they believe they are being lied to.)

I am not trying to be harsh, but I have seen too many times how the ridiculous notion that rules on sleepovers and teaching abstinence will do anything but cause issues and harm to teens with no benefits. You are a great parent for trying to understand this issue on a more informed level.

Note: I am pansexual which means I can experience attraction to anyone. Would you think it would be a good idea to tell someone that is pansexual that they can not have any sleepovers with anyone because of some ludicrous fear that they would want to have sex with them during that time? The bonding that happens during a sleepover builds stronger friendships, and I know that it would have caused me to be even more of an outcast in school than I already was.

 

I agree what people have said here. If your son wants to have sex he will find a way unless you lock him up and prevent him from seeing anyone.

If you create atmosphere of negativity about sex or outright tell him not to have sex until some age then IF he goes and experiments and has any kind of emotional or physical damages as a result (perhaps because of abuse etc.) he would not be comfortable telling you about it or seeking support.

My experience has been that kids who have sex don't do it at sleep overs when their parents are in the house. They do it when the parents are not around.

My advice is that don't set any rules for the sleepovers if the purpose of the rule is to control sexual behavior. Rather adopt honest and understanding stance on your son's sexual experiments so that when he starts them he can have a safe environment to experiment with.

Since he is gay and there might not be that many openly gay boys of his age he might be at risk of seeking company of elder gay men and that way subject himself to abuse. I know many stories where young gays - because they were unable to find company of their own age ended up seeking company of older guys and invariably all of these stories have ended up sadly. To avoid this kind of fate it's better you be understanding the fact that he will have a sex life at some point and it's better that it's safe rather than unsafe. The fact that your son calls thought of sex "disgusting" is indication that he is repressing his sexual urges. The more vehemently someone denies something the usual case is that the less true their words are.

 

You're welcome! I am glad that I could help put some perspective on the issue.

Being open and honest with him really is the best way to promote his entry into the world of sex/sexual relationships. It goes back to the teenage spirit of wanting to do everything that you are not allowed to do. :badgrin:

You sound like a very honest and active role model in his life, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. He is very fortunate to have you be supportive of him after what his father did to him. That is very worthy of praise (*hug*)

Note on your earlier post: I am sure he is struggling with a lot of internalized homophobia after being disowned, so that may be some of the reason he sees sex as disgusting. I know "just" my parents homophobic comments growing up led me to go back in forth with desire I had to explore my sexuality with the same sex, and having the guilt/disgust of feeling that way because of what my parents viewpoint of homosexuality being wrong/immoral. Just something to keep in mind when trying to understand his perspective in the future.

 

This is certainly something to be worried about. 15-year-olds should not be seeing someone who is 8 years older than they are. And a 23-year-old guy who is "romantically" or sexually interested in 15-year-old is up no good. At your son's age the age difference between partners should not be more than one year to either direction. Don't believe the people who say that age is just a number because it is not.

However, it might be difficult to convince your son about this. Teenagers think they know it all and he is probably very flattered that an adult is taking interest in him. Difference in maturity and emotional development between them is however so great that it's best to try to prevent such relations if possible. Have you considered perhaps suggesting your son to join EC for seeking support and having his questions answered?

 

Euler is right. I think you should talk to your son, he should try to explore his sexuality in a more healthy way, even if he might be hard to convince.

Do you know any LGBT groups in your area? like, say, a Gay-Straight Alliance. The support they could provide would be helpful, both in helping him become comfortable in his own skin and allowing you to meet other parents/friends of LGBT people and getting wisdom from their experiences.

 

I guess.

There's no requirement for accessing this board - so if he did register here, he could see your post.

EC has the whole 'no disclosing of identity' policy but he'd know it was you from the details so in the case of you and your son it wouldn't matter.

EDIT: Chip ninja'd me.

 

Sorry I didn't realize it was him that went to see a 23 year old. I thought that was you when you were young. I would imagine that his reasoning for doing so would either be he was manipulated by an older predator, or he was trying to find someone to explore his sexuality with no connection to school/friends/parents.(in a very dangerous and irresponsible way) The difference in emotional maturity at that age within a 2 year range is very high, let alone 8 years.

If you don't mind me asking... Do you believe that he realizes that it is not acceptable or safe to socialize with people much older than him at this point?

I will second what Sagume Kishin said, Do you know if there is any youth LGBT groups in his school? If he is out in school, it would be very helpful for him to be able to meet some people in his age group to connect with... but I wouldn't force him out of the closet to join the group if he is not ready. Being with kids of his same age and situation could help prevent him from seeking connections/relationships with other people online that may be trying to take advantage of his age/emotional maturity for the wrong reasons.

With that said, I would almost encourage him to have sleepovers over at your place versus somewhere else. You will know who he is with at that point, and the peace of mind not having to worry whether or not he is going out to meet a random pedophile. That doesn't mean encouraging him to have sex, just that he knows he doesn't have to hide/choose bad places to bring dates/partners. He is also much more likely to find someone within an acceptable age gap for a relationship because he will not have to hide them from you, and thus can hang out with them more often.

 

That's great news that he got involved with his schools LGBT group! That will allow him to connect with others his own age, and (hopefully) prevent him from feeling the need to seek company from older people online. Sounds like you have helped him come to the self realization that what he was doing is not healthy for him, and that is not an easy thing to do with a teenager.

You deserve a hug for being such a great parent. (*hug*) All too often in situations like this, children don't get the support that they need to grow as an individual, and they have nowhere to turn leading to depression, stunted emotional growth, and worse. Spending the time to guide him through this very difficult transitioning time in his life will pay enormous dividends, and he will appreciate it when he is older if he doesn't already express his gratitude now.

 

Alls well that ends well!

Your son showed maturity if he did indeed cut the relationship off.

Once agaih, thanks for being such a nice parent (*hug*)
I'm sure your son will meet a lot of supportive people.
This kind of support means so much. A lot more than most people think.

If he isn't greatful now, he'll be greatful later, as Turbo said.