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Weekend sleepover

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Mom642, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. Mom642

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    Hi, My son who is 16 recently came out to us (his parents) and we've accepted the fact and are getting on with normal life. His father and I, to some lesser degree, are having a hard time with the fact that his boyfriend is 27 years old. After discussing this with other gay men I have found that this is not uncommon, albit uncomfortable for us. My son is open with me and generally tells me when he will be spending time or going out with his boyfriend.
    The newest wrinkle in our path is that our son announced yesterday that he was going to spend Easter weekend, Sat & Sun night sleeping over at his boyfriends house-the boyfrinds parents are away for Easter.
    I don't know what to respond. He sleeps over at other friends houses regularily and he could have just lied to us and done as he pleased so I have to give him credit for that-but condoning a weekend away with is lover seems a bit too mich to accept.
    What's the solution here?
    Thank you!
     
  2. Euler

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    Hi Mom642,

    You are right to be concerned. It may or may not be common among gays that partners have a huge age disparity, however, it does not mean it is OK. How would you feel if your daughter was dating a guy almost twice her age?

    The thing with large disparity with age puts the two people into very unequal position in terms of maturity, experience and expectations. Your son, although physically almost adult, is still very much a child emotionally. For these reasons most relationships like this end up badly for the younger partner harming their emotional development. As a 29-year-old I would say that I would never even consider dating a 16-year-old or even an 18-year-old irrespective of their sex. A 27-year-old guy who is interested in a 16-year-old is up no good.

    Now, I'm not saying that you should forbid your child from having relationships or starting a sex life if he feels he is ready. However, he should do that with his peers, not with adults.

    This is a very tricky situation. If I were you I would not let your son to go to this "sleepover" week-end. Furthermore, I would encourage you to do whatever you can to make your son realize this relationship is not good for him apart from outright forbidding him (unless of course you are certain you can enforce such a ban but I doubt it). This might not be easy as teenagers have this "I know it all" attitude and they don't think very clearly with all their hormones either. Perhaps you could direct him to EC for peer support?

    You could also start by talking him about his expectations with his "boyfriend" and how he feels towards him. If he seems to be emotionally very involved with this guy it's more the reason to get involved. Try to make him understand why you are concerned and why the age gap is such a bad thing. You could also ask him what he thinks his BF is after in this relationship and does he expect this to last. It's OK to have older platonic friends but it's not OK to have sex with them or getting romantically involved with them.

    You could also call his BF and express that you are not happy about him seeing your son and that you kindly advice him to break it off if he cares about your son's emotional well being. This guy sounds like he is just using your son for sex even if he technically isn't breaking the law.

    I hope this helped.
     
    #2 Euler, Mar 25, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016
  3. Sagume Kishin

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    Well firstly, you should talk with your son about the whole relationship. There's a big difference in maturity between 16 and 27 year olds. Make sure that the relationship is on entirely equal footing - that the older man isn't abusing your son in anyway. Even if not, I'd be cautious and watch out for funny business.

    As for the whole sleepover business... well, if you try to stop them from having sex or sleeping over, they'll probably do it anyway. I'd say maybe let him stay with you and your son, so you can at least be aware of what's going on?
    It's not neccesarily the best idea to let him go alone.

    Regardless, be alert. None of us want your son to get hurt. Just keep communication open and make sure your son knows to be responsible.

    I'm not sure how well forcibly breaking it off would go, but Euler has a point. It may be for the best.
     
    #3 Sagume Kishin, Mar 25, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016
  4. TXTurbo90

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    I know that the laws regarding age of consent are in France are 15 years and older, but a 27 year old dating a 16 year old is absolutely not acceptable in my opinion. Your sons "boyfriend" is more than likely manipulating him for his own benefit, as there is almost 0% chance that they are on a similar emotional/maturity level. It is asking for emotional and/or physical abuse to happen. You are very right for the concerns you have.

    This is one of the few times/circumstances that I would do everything possible to stop the situation. If you have to ground him, take away his phone, talk to his friends, etc., I would until this "relationship" is over for sure.

    I can tell you that if I had a 16 year old kid, and a 27 year old man showed up at my house to go on a date with my son... It would be the last thing that sorry pedophile SOB ever did on this planet. That age difference is beyond robbing the cradle, its repulsive and disturbing :***:
     
    #4 TXTurbo90, Mar 25, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016
  5. HerrinDesFeuers

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    A 27-year-old dating a 16-year-old has absolutely nothing to do with being a pedophile.
     
  6. Euler

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    Yes. A pedophile by definition is interested in sex with prepubescent kids. It's fairly common for adults to display sexual interest in late teens but most adults are responsible and do not act upon those urges.
     
  7. TXTurbo90

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    We can argue semantics, but that definition is not correct.

    Merriam-Websters definition of pedophile: a person who has a sexual interest in children

    There are children who hit puberty at 10 years old, so does that mean that a 27 year old having a sexual relationship with a 10 year old does not make them a pedophile? I know the defining age of when childhood ends varies between cultures, but at 16 I can not think of a single person in the class of over 700 people that I graduated high school with (along with every other 16 year old I have met) that would have been mature enough to engage in a healthy relationship with a 16 year old child.

    Back on subject: It's about the emotional maturity gap that inherently exists between a developing mind at 16 with little to no relationship/sexual experiences and that of a 27 year old. That combined with the undeniable fact that it puts the kid in a situation that someone who is old enough to understand how to manipulate others on that level through experiences in social interaction throughout the years could very easily take advantage of him.

    Lets be honest here, what do you think that this 27 year old man would be interested in a 16 year old boy for?
     
  8. Sagume Kishin

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  9. pinkpanther

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    Invite the bf for a dinner, if he seems like a decent person, they'll be fine. Otherwise a serious talk with your son might be the next step. Just because the bf is 27 years old doesn't mean that their relationship will end up in disaster. That depends on both of them. You could talk with your son about his expectations from the relationship, make sure he understands the inherent maturity gap that exists between them.

    Overreacting from your side might do more damage than good, your son is at the age when he starts to make decisions on his own. Taking that away from him basically makes him a pre-teen again and that is something no one wants.
     
  10. TXTurbo90

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    #10 TXTurbo90, Mar 25, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016
  11. andimon

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    While I agree with the fact that he could be really affected by the often inevitable break-up, wouldn't it happen the same with a person his age?

    I strongly believe your child's safety should be number one priority, and by all means, see to it. However, you should ensure his happiness too and as pinkpanther pointed out, you definitely ought to meet this man and find out whether he is serious about the relationship or not.

    Just because someone is older it doesn't mean their sole interest in a younger person is abuse or sexual desire. That's just ridiculous and preconceived.

    But then again, what would I know?
     
    #11 andimon, Mar 26, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
  12. Euler

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    It's not about the (near) inevitable breakup but the power balance, potential for abuse and equality. When the partners are near each others age it's more balanced learning experience for both of them and part of normal growth process.

    ---------- Post added 26th Mar 2016 at 10:24 PM ----------

    When you receive an email from a Nigerian prince who wants to deposit $10m to your account because of tax reasons it doesn't mean that he is not always a scammer. However, statistically speaking you should not put your money into such proposal.
     
  13. blonde mum

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    I have a 16 year old daughter and there is no way on Gods green earth I would be allowing her to go sleep at a 27 years old mans house. I also have sons and regardless of the dynamic my opinion would be the same.

    That is not to say that I would forbid them to see them ( this has the potential to drive the child toward the person ) but I would definitely have them to dinner to check them out and take the opportunity to explain your feelings to both of them. If he is respectful of you and your son then he will agree to a slower approach.

    In England the age of consent is 16 but we still have parental responsibility until they are 18. They cannot drive, buy alcohol, cigarettes or go to a club because they are not mature or experienced enough to make decisions about their safety. Their are some exceptions to the rule but having worked with young people for 20 years I can assure you they are few and far between lol

    I hope that you find some answers and support on this site, it sounds to me as if you have an open and good relationship with your son. Explain your concerns and ensure he knows that you will always be there x
     
  14. YeahpIdk

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    Okay, the people arguing that this isn't "pedophillia" have a point, but this is still an abnormal relationship. I am 27 years old and would barf forever if I wanted to date a 16 year old. A 16 year old!!?? Forget it, I'd never want to date a 16 year old so hold the barf. I mean, that person is almost 30. I imagine they're an immature, stunted ignoramus who cannot successfully hold down a relationship with someone their own age...or even near it for that matter.

    Yes, there are age differences in relationships - gay or not - but the point in time is a huge factor. If your son was 26 and this guy was 37, that would still be a little awkward, but much more acceptable because a 26 year old is an adult that's been an adult for quite some time and can make their own decisions (given they have that ability and not an issue) with a clear understanding of consequences. At 16 though? This isn't the case. Your son is not fully developed - emotionally or mentally, and probably cannot see how much of a freak this guy probably is. I think you have good reason to be concerned. I live in the US, and that's considered automatically illegal and statchatory rape. That guy would have a record if he was reported, as a sex offender.

    I don't know what advice to give. I would try to educate my son as much as I can about people who are manipulative, and advise him to get STD/STI checks often, and always, ALWAYS use protection. If you can't stop it and it's not illegal, that's what I would focus on, is teaching him how to protect himself. That's what I would be most concerned about at this point, because why does this guy need to have a relationship with someone so young? The only thing I can imagine, and this is even if your son was a freaking model with an off the charts IQ, is that he is setting his sights on someone who is naive and won't question things that would be seen as a bit 'off.' I would question his motives.

    I was a republican at 16. How's that for out of your mind?? I mean...
     
  15. Linus

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    In any case, it's about time you sat down with your son's boyfriend and had a long talk. Either you, or your husband, if you're married. #ParentsPower #interrogation #Intimidation.
    (Ah sorry, I'm trying to give this a lighthearted note, aren't I? No, it's completely serious.)
    You can trust your son about as much as you can trust his boyfriend, in this situation. That comes with the relationship package. My advice would be, get to know your son's boyfriend above all else. Of course, Easter is long past. I don't know how that weekend went. I recommend this in the future though.
     
  16. Willa

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    Just because it's common doesn't mean it's okay.
     
  17. KepplerHand

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    Is he a millionaire? If he isn't, then your son should end this and get a real grasp of the meaning of 'Sugar Daddy'.
     
  18. Lalayajen

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    This.
     
  19. R M

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    well, I'd be very concerned. I think he's too young to be in a relationship with a 27 yo guy. I wouldnt like to know my kid was in a relationship with someone 11 years older than him/her. Thats a too big age gap for me, especially if he's not even an adult. You probably know what will happen that weekend and I personally dont think its a good idea for him to go. he's too young for stuff like that with someone with so much more life experience than him.

    I would have a good talk to him and tell him how dagerous this could be and that he may not be ready to do something like this with someone waaaayyy older than him. he's probably too unexperienced to do something like this with such an old guy. I advice having a talk and maybe not let him go and give him good reasons not to let him, so he may understand it
     
  20. Chip

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    OK, Is it legal? Maybe. Is it common in the gay community? Unfortunately, yes. Is it appropriate or emotionally healthy? Absolutely not. If I were the parent here, I'd be far, far less accepting than you (OPs) are. Don't get me wrong... it is absolutely awesome that you are being accepting and open and doing your best to navigate this in a nonjudgmental way. But I'm here to tell you... this isn't healthy or appropriate.

    Age-gap relationships are inherently unhealthy in nearly all cases, and particularly when there is such a large age gap at such a young age.

    The differences in every aspect of life between a 16 and a 27 year old are numerous, and one of the biggest issues (which plays out in both subtle and obvious ways) is power and control. The 16 year old is, consciously or otherwise, going to be heavily influenced by, look up to, and take a lot of direction and input from the 27 year old. A 16 year old having an older mentor, who is a friend guiding him on life and helping him to make wise decisions is one thing. But a mentor should never, ever be a romantic interest.

    A secondary question that your son (if he's not completely blinded by oxytocin from being in love) needs to consider is... why would an emotionally healthy 27 year old want to be with someone in high school? The answer is not that your son is amazingly mature and acts like a 27 year old; the answer is that the 27 year old is emotionally immature and, for one reason or another, has difficulty bonding with people his own age, or has power and control issues and wants someone he can control and manipulate.

    I'm sorry to rain on the parade here, and I really don't want to put the fear of God into you, but this isn't likely to end up well for your son. Now... you might get lucky and he might figure out these things on his own soon enough, but my guess is he's probably in la-la land by having this older guy shower attention on him, and it makes him feel "grown up"... which is one of the problems.

    One possibility might be to encourage him to come here and talk about the situation (we can remove this thread if you decide you want to do that.) While we have a few age-gap apologists here who occasionally show up, they are pretty soundly outnumbered by those who realize it's problematic, and your son should get good advice and encouragement toward making better decisions.

    We also have our advisor team that are available to talk one-on-one with him if he wants a listening ear and some good advice.

    Again, I want to say it's awesome that you're involved and supportive of your son, and doing your best to do the right thing. These are complicated waters to navigate and as much as you may be wringing your hands and wondering, just know that you're asking the right questions, taking the right steps, and doing your best to help your son make wise decisions and doing your best to be supportive... which sometimes also means setting appropriate boundaries, and that can be difficult as children get into their later teen years.

    Please keep us in the loop and feel free to ask for anything you need.