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Whether he loves a Jane or a John

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by blonde mum, Apr 2, 2016.

  1. blonde mum

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    Hi there People

    I require some advice and I am hoping someone can help.

    I have three children, a 16 year old daughter and two boys. One is 14 nearly 15 and the other my youngest is 12 nearly 13. I love my children and want only their happiness. My wider family is a mixed bunch of fruits and as many weddings we attend are same sex as they are straight. Our children have been bought up to appreciate diversity and reject intolerance.

    However that can not be be said for all the people we encounter. Over the years my youngest son has been targeted with comments 'jokes' and quips about being gay. In comparison to his older 'football, rugby, football' brother he is more feminine and, to be fair, if and when he says to me 'mum, I am gay.' I will not be fainting with shock or anything other than happy if he's happy. If he is not gay I will be a little surprised but only ever wishing for his happiness.

    He is, however, only 12. He is now at the age where he is experiencing changes and his interests will be Peeked. Whilst setting up an app on his tablet to monitor his internet access and limit time spent I have discovered my youngest has been looking at Gay Porn sites on his tablet.

    I need advice on how to approach this. I will need to discuss the watching of porn with him but do not want to say or do anything that will make him feel like he cant be honest with me.

    My slightly older son at a similar age did something similar with straight porn, he also asked me questions when he felt confused about his feelings for a male friend. I know that these feelings and thought and experiments are normal part of growing up.

    As with most boys I am sure, the brothers are at the bickering and arguing stage and my older sons insult of choice of late is to call him Gay! To which he gets angry and says or shouts hes not and responds by calling him stupid or goofy or fat or whatever he can insult him back with. Repeated conversations with them both regarding that conduct and those insults have been had I assure you!

    However, I think that because of the teasing he has encountered , he will not be as confident to speak openly and I worry that he may suffer unnecessarily. I want him to know he can be whoever he wants to be but I also do not want to say or do the wrong thing.

    While respecting and loving love in all its beautiful diversity I worry about him don't want him to get hurt by other peoples intolerance.

    My husband, his dad, has always said to insensitive people making comments about him and his supposed sexuality ( for crying out loud he was 6!) As long as my kids are happy I will be happy. Whether that is with a Jane or a John! That shut em up too lol.

    I would really appreciate your advice. How do I approach the conversation and is there anything I should be doing?

    I think I may have rambled but I hope you see where I am at.

    Kind Regards

    Blonde Mum
     
  2. Aspen

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    It's great that you're so supportive of your children and you want them to feel like they can come to you to talk about anything. If the fact that it's gay porn is what worries you the most about approaching your son, then maybe it would be best to approach it in the same way you would straight porn. Make it clear that the problem isn't the content, it's the media. As long as you're showing acceptance and non-judgement for other sexualities in all other aspects, this one conversation is probably not going to ruin that.
     
  3. ChillPenguin

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    It was basically my dream to have good parents like yourself. Not that I dislike mine, it's just they don't like homosexuality at all.

    Basically in an ideal scenario for me, my parents would come up to me and say something similar to: "Son, I will always be proud of you no matter if you want to be with girls or boys." Do bare in mind though that 12 is quite a young age and was around the age I started to develop an attraction to males. I didn't understand the meaning of it until I was older. I guess you could give him a bit of sex education (male and female) to make him understand it more and then maybe he will feel more comfortable about sharing his feelings?

    How NOT to handle the situation: "Son, are you gay?" or like my parent "You're not gay, are you?". That is almost guaranteed to be met with denial due to fear. Good luck.
     
  4. Calf

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    I think this makes good sense. Having the porn conversation is going to be an awkward one anyway so why not use it positively to reinforce the fact that you're totally fine if your son is gay but that you don't approve of pornography at his age etc. On that issue I can imagine it's a hard subject to really deal with because such easy access to unlimited pornography direct to your child's bedroom is a reasonably new phenomena but I doubt very much that your son is in the minority viewing it and there is little nonbiased evidence to suggest whether it is harmful or not (though obviously it is still illegal).

    ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:23 PM ----------

    I'm in two minds about this. On the hand I agree, it is awkward as a teenager to be asked this but on the other hand it could be the right thing if done correctly. My grandmother asked me if I was gay, when I was 13, in as casual a way as if she had asked me if I would like a biscuit with my tea. She quickly followed up by saying "if you don't want to tell me right now that's fine but I'm OK with it when you do". I knew I was though I didn't give an answer there and then but it definitely made it so much easier to tell her when I did because I knew it was me that was finding it awkward and not her.
    My mum on the other hand clearly knew but just skirted around the issue. I knew that she knew but the fact she was ignoring it made me think that she was ashamed of it or disappointed. Although it would have been difficult if she had have asked me outright, it would have been a lot less painful than the way it actually turned out.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:39 PM ----------

    As for the brotherly teasing is it possible that your 14 year old son has the same suspicions as you as to his younger brothers sexuality but due to his age, not the same emotional maturity and tact to express those thoughts. If you are going to discuss other issues of sexuality with your son you could maybe point out that his older brother doesn't mean any harm by calling him gay, it's just a word that has many uses, unfortunately most recently a common insult but I'm sure he still loves his little brother regardless of his sexuality.

    You mentioned your concerns regarding other peoples intolerance which is an honest and common concern for any parent but if you asked around here on EC, nearly everyone will tell you that so long as the people who matter the most -his family- support him, he won't care about the very few people in the world that will speak out against him.

    You mentioned that your son is 12, nearly 13, so it may be worth directing him to this site once he is 13 (the sites minimum age) because it is a much safer place online to talk and connect with likeminded people than most places and I know when I was that age it would have saved me a lot of sadness and provided a lot of comfort and hope to have access to a place like this. It might even have saved me from making some bad mistakes too.

    Finally I wanted to just say what a great mum you are to be so open minded and supportive of your kids even though it isn't always the easiest thing to do. I wish all parents could be the same.
     
  5. blonde mum

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    Thank you so much for taking the time to write back. I really appreciated your thoughts.

    I have spoken to my son about the porn, indicating only that the app I installed shows me the websites and outlining my thoughts on pornography and the rules of the home.

    I did emphasise that curiosity is a normal part of growing up and that I did, however, feel that those sights were not appropriate viewing for a young man his age and did not reflect how loving, healthy relationships should be (making it clear I was talking about relationships not orientation) of course he found it all very embarrassing lol as did my older son before him.

    Ironically, yesterday, another bickering battle between the brothers where it was the younger one calling the older one GAY gave me a fresh opportunity to reiterate the family rules on that issue and I actually felt it took the onus of him to be chastised for the use of the word (meaning it was the word that was the focus and not who was or was not gay). It led to a discussion on diversity and other cultural issues.

    I will definitely guide him to this site when he is old enough.

    It is not the only modern cultural issue our family has faced.
    (My daughter dated a rather handsome young man that was black and she endured some rather archaic opinions on the 'rightness' of that. What with her being white and all!!!) It is difficult to raise open minded strong independent individuals in society isn't it?

    Anyway, again. I thank you all deeply for you advice and it really did help.

    Kindest Regards

    Blonde Mum