Should we tell him we know?

No, I wouldn't ask him about it unless there's a pressing reason to do so. He's young and still figuring himself out; it's better to wait until he's ready. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is generally be supportive, keep lines of communication open, and make sure he knows you love him unconditionally and that you're supportive of LGBT people in general (though try not to be too obvious about it ).

It sounds like you guys have a good relationship, and I'm sure you'll hear about it when he feels ready to share.

 

I second the comment above, I don't think you should talk to him about it. He is only thirteen and as you will see from most of the threads on this site, many people are still questioning their sexuality well into adulthood, so his thoughts on the subject may develop and he may not identify as panromantic forever. By saying that I don't want to invalidate young people who are questioning their sexuality, and the fact that he is questioning means it is fairly likely he is at least not straight, but I know from personal experience that how I identify has changed multiple times over the years since I started questioning at thirteen (and five years later I am still not sure), and it would not have done me any good then for my parents to tell me they knew I was questioning. Questioning is a very personal experience and since he has indicated on his social media that he is not ready to talk to you about it, this is likely true and he simply doesn't feel ready yet, even if he knows you will be accepting when he does decide to do so.

There is no hurry for anyone to come out, least of all a thirteen year old, but as cakepiecookie said I would make sure he knows, in a not too obvious way, that you are supportive of LGBTQ people, but don't pressure him to come out.

As for your worries about his friends not being able to keep quiet, honestly it is too late - he has already told them and thus there is the potential for them to tell others regardless of whether you also tell your son you know he is questioning. As he has said that he is not ready to tell you, I doubt he himself would tell people at his school so you don't have to worry about bullying unless his friends decide to tell anyone else, but really all you can do is hope and trust that they won't - even if you tell your son you know, this would remain all you can do. I think anything else - like talking to his friends - would only send the message that being anything other than straight is something to be ashamed of, which obviously isn't the best thing for a questioning thirteen year old. But it is likely that his friends are supportive of him and hopefully understand that this is his information to share, not theirs.

I hope this reply hasn't been too rambling, what I basically wanted to say is just - don't worry! He will tell you in time, when he is ready, and it sounds like he is very lucky to have such supportive and caring parents who will love him no matter what.

 

The answer depends on the fact did you gain this information through "legitimate" channels. If the information was posted publicly in a way that you could see it then you can in my opinion bring it up. You could just tell him that you noticed through his social media that he is questioning his sexuality and that it's fine by you and your husband. He can talk about it with you if and when he wants to but there is no need if he doesn't. Also it might be worth to point out that it's OK him not to be able to put himself a label yet and he is free to reassess his initial label if he later realizes that it doesn't really fit him later on.

With regards to him being bullied I think that he is the expert on that. He probably knows better than you what is socially acceptable in his school and circle of friends and that he knows better if such information is damaging to him or not so I wouldn't try to lecture him on who to tell.

On the other hand if you gained this knowledge through illegal or morally shady actions such as spying on his computer or social media account then I wouldn't bring it up at all.

 

I would let him be the one to talk about it to you first. Then let him know that you already knew. It might even surprise him in a good way. Really though I think you have done enough already just by accepting him. That's more than some parents are willing to do. Having your parents not judge or even hate you in some extreme cases can be the biggest thing for a non-heteroromantic kid. :smilewave

 

No. If you ask me, asking someone is the worst you can do. my mom did it and kinda pulled me out and I was VERY uncomfortable with it. Wait till he's ready. also, he's very young so I would just let him figure out his identity because theres always a chance he's not sure and can change his mind later.
hope this helped, just wait it out and maybe show him litte signs that you are pro LGBT.
also I am so happy to hear you and your husband are so supportive .
goodluck

 

I kind of agree with the others. Because he's still young and questioning, he likely needs more time to work through who he is and just as much time to really come to accept who he is. What I would do in the interim is drop hints about you being pro-LGBT... maybe let him overhear a conversation with your spouse about a gay person at work getting married or an actor or something in the news. He'll talk to you when he's ready. At 13 he's still new to the world of raging hormones and trying to figure exactly what he's attracted to and what he's not. God knows a lot of us on this forum (myself included) didn't quite figure it out until our 20s or later. Whether he comes clean with it tomorrow or in 2 years, it really doesn't change who he is, nor does it affect how you treat him. Just be supportive as you're doing now. I applaud you for coming on here and asking questions. Our community needs more parents like yourselves

 

I'm going to echo guitar here: first off, you are wonderful parents. Second, though, remember what it was like to be a teenager: it's a very strange, confusing, weird place in your life, even if you "fit" into society's "acceptable" categories. If it were me as a teenager, I would want my parents to let me know that being gay doesn't make any difference whether you are a good person or a bad person. That there's more to you than your sexuality. I would make sure your son knows that. For me at least, it's something I would've given almost anything for as a teenager. Maybe he's sure he's LGBT now, or maybe it'll come later, if at all. But at least he'll know he has a safe place to go.

 

I have to offer some balance here because I don't necessarily agree with not asking him. It's true that there are a lot of people that are not sure or open about their sexual/romantic orientation but there is a fine line between the two issues. You could also easily find many people on this sight or elsewhere who were fully aware of their orientation at a very early age but for one reason or another were not able to be open about it. Personally, I always knew and never had an issue with my sexuality. The fact that my parents avoided/ignored the issue caused me years of distress.

Regarding your actual circumstance, it may be that your son is very confident in orientation and will be tough enough to survive any attempt of bullying if he were to be outed. It might be that he is still unsure or not ready to accept his true orientation so he is experimenting with the concept. It could however just be the case that he is trying to create himself a more interesting personality online by creating an 'exotic' persona.
Snooping around the online profiles will only add fuel to your suspicions and fears, it won't help you to find out the truth about your son and it won't help your relationship with him.
The only way to find out the answers to your question is to discuss this with your son. It will probably be uncomfortable for both of you, however you do it but the main thing is to be as open and accepting as possible. Don't be accusing or challenging, if he denies it then just leave it open saying something like "It doesn't matter either way, I just want you to know that I love you either way and you can tell me if anything changes".
Avoid expressing any of your concerns on the first conversation, such as sexual health, bullying, life goals etc and leave them for a different conversation. The last thing you want to do is turn your sons openness and trust into a negative lecture that makes him think you don't support him.
Definitely don't use any of the patronising clichés such as, "maybe it's a phase", "I'm fine with it but I don't want you to tell anyone else", "why are you ____, is it something I did?".

It is evident from your post that you are concerned about issues such as bullying or maybe experimenting with other boys at this young age and rightly so but try to approach these issues in the same way you would if it was nothing to do with orientation. For example, you could discuss your concerns regarding sexual experimentation, regardless of gender.

Finally I would say don't be embarrassed of admitting to your own fears and prejudice so that you can overcome them. You are seeing the world from a different point of view to your son and you perceive risks that he doesn't. Being LGBT today is totally different to ten or twenty years ago and certainly isn't accurately portrayed by the stereotypes in the modern media. Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong but it doesn't help anyone to let pride and outdated ideas damage a relationship between parent and child.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope that something I've written can at least help you in making the decision.

 

i honestly dont think you should ask him about it,

if he knows that you monitor his social media accounts then maybe bring it up but i dont recommend making it sound likes hes in trouble (from a teenagers view, its so scary when adults say it in a way that makes it seem like we've done something bad)

if he hasnt gone on the trip yet, make sure to tell him to be safe and to remember to think about things (my mum always tells me that before trips/camps)

other than that.. maybe just wait until he comes out by himself?

 

I concur with some of the other comments here. Forcing a conversation about his sexuality might make things more awkward than they need to be. I know from personal experience that having someone try to "out" you can be very painful when you're not ready. And as parents, his relationship with you is the most cherished and important thing in the world. I would not risk jeopardizing it.

 

First of all, I don't support you reading his private messages. He is young, but he is not less of a human being than any of us. Safety reasons? Well, he is using the internet, which can be a very dark place for a dark mind.

I don't mean to judge you, I just want you to reevaluate your decisions. He is very young and fragile, he doesn't even know what pan-romantic means. He is confused, but if he started questioning his identity and sexuality, he must be already informed about the dangers and wonders of sex (using a condom, AIDS) etc. I think this is the only aspect which is of your interest, that is to make sure that your child knows how to protect oneself. Other than that, I don't see why you should worry about anything.

On the question of whether you should confront him, well it is up to you. I think it is hypocritical to make a fool out of him. You will watch him everyday and every moment knowing that he is hiding something, that he is troubled by something, and you will keep your mouth shut. How will you feel finding out one day that your husband knew you were cheating on him all along, but he waited for you to tell him. You will feel ambushed.

So, I guess you should stop spying on him, talk to him about it, and step back a little. He is in a sensitive period of his life, he needs your trust and support now more than ever. You must make him feel loved and respected, if he feels violated or cheated in any way, you will start having problems in the future.

So keep that in mind. Be true to him and yourself! You have my support!

 

When I was coming to terms with my sexuality the worst that happened to me was someone told me that 'they thought I was gay'. I just wasn't ready to deal with it, so it sent me further back into the closet. That was more my problem, I was a wimp.
I think the best thing you can do is be supportive. Don't be invasive but show support and show acceptance. Subtly showing support for LGBT issues and distain for bullying and bigotry will help.

From what I've from parents that are going through divorces and parents of children with other 'difficulties' is that the only thing that matters is that the child knows that they are loved 'no matter what'

BTW I think you are doing a good job, i.e. you just what is best for your son.

 

I also agree that it doesn't seem necessary to talk to him about it. I think it's really great how supportive you are, and I know you want to show that to him so that he has less things to worry about, but you can't force that option on him. That's his choice, and I think you need to start seeing him not as a child that needs protection but a human being that is developing a sense of identity and independency. In that sense, I also don't support you monitoring his activities in detail. If I found out that my parents did that, it would make me trust them much less. I think you can continue to show how supportive you are about LGBT issues, but don't press him on it. I also think you may be worrying a little too much about the repercussions. Why don't you just see how things go and not make this sexuality issue a big deal? The best kind of support I can imagine is when parents are nonchalantly accepting of a child's sexuality.

 

This could also backfire, he might just say that he was following those accounts for no reason, and he might close up some more. That's what I did when I was confronted at that age.

 

I understand that you want to help your son, and do your best to keep him safe and happy, but let him come to you. Most kids don't want their parents initiating a talk about these kinds of things, especially if they aren't ready. When your son is feeling more comfortable and confident with himself, and truly believes that you both love him, he will talk to you.

I am 15, so I don't have kids myself, but I know what he feels like, being so unsure about himself, and not wanting to engage parents in such a thing. Just give him time to find and accept himself. Then he will confide in you.