*waves* Its been a long time. Need some input

I used to live in Nevada and work all over the state. Is it a predominately Mormon town?

 

I don't know if you said it to your daughter in precisely these terms, or if you are paraphrasing the conversation to let us know where things are, but it may be a simple case of re-visiting the issue and explaining your reason for reacting in this way. If she understands that you are looking out for her, rather than rejecting what she said, it will help a great deal.

 

I paraphrased what you stated in a short version... In the context it now reads, how does that make you feel?

I am not trying to start an argument or take a strike at you. I have a reason for why I paraphrased...

I know, that it sounded harsh! Especially, when worded that way. You're probably already thinking to yourself "I didn't say that, that's not what I said at all. You're taking what I said out of context. I didn't mean it like that at all!"

I paraphrased what you said for a reason. The main reason is, if you have used the word 'issue' with your daughter or while your daughter was present and if she knows about your thoughts for homeschooling? Because, I am sure you've spoken to her on how cruel kids can be and what happened with your childhood. She knows of your brother (her uncle) and how your parents (her grandparents) 'loved him enough' to allow his partner to be photographed during your wedding. I'm sure she has even heard you question the school system on their treatment of the LGBT kids.

Have you asked her about homeschooling? Because, if so... It might have inadvertently caused her more alienation thus explaining the visceral reaction you got. I'm sure it was rather sudden and caused red flags to go off in your mind making it urgent for you to come here asking for advice. I don't mean to assume that your parents have an issue or don't love her just the same or even your brother. I just mean, that I know from my own experience. It might be different than your daughters and the red flags I felt were for nothing. But, either way I felt it might be something for you to consider.

Because you state that you don't have a problem with your daughter, you're fine with who she is! You love no less than the day you gave birth. It's out of love that you are concerned. You are just trying to protect her and keep her from any undo harm in any form... Emotional, mental, physical... And she is so young. It's one thing for them to be able to pick themselves back up from a trip without you running to them, but a different scenario altogether then to suffer from bullies.

I think the wording of 'the gay issue as ammunition or the issue of LGBT in the school system' needs a little reworking, so to speak. Like, in terms of speaking to your daughter "DD some kids may not be as accepting and will pick on you for being lesbian. Same as kids that are smart are picked on, they're called bookworms and sometimes worse." In that sense her being a lesbian was not used in a way that sounded bad. She can't help being a lesbian same as the kids that are smart can't help that they are smart.

Same with the school. You wouldn't even have to get DD involved. You could go to the school and see if they have or could start an LBGT group/club or even do awareness panels on anti-bullying that would in essence also cover LBGT kids. Wouldn't even have to say anything about DD, you're a lawyer. You could've had a client that was and it got you thinking it might be something positive for the school to think about. So, in speaking in terms of DD instead of showing signs of anger... It's now turned to positivity, awareness, and something helpful for other children that might be experiencing the same alienation.

Show her she can talk to you! Let her know you care and that you love her. That it's ok to be open and honest with oneself. That 'coming out' was fine to you and when she is ready to 'come out' to her friends you'll be there to help in any way you can regardless of their reaction. You'd help her if they got in an argument over an outfit, so it should be the same if they would have a bad reaction to her 'coming out'. But, not make that a concern... More an after thought added to how other kids might bully her.

Show her that there is help out there for figuring herself out, even if she can't talk to you. If there isn't anywhere she can go for help in the school or the town. Well, there are places online like this site! :icon_wink Also, not saying you are not good enough... But, if she would want to (I wouldn't know how to word it to her) there is also counseling.

Lastly, the grandparents... When she is ready to 'come out' to them she will do that. But, based on what you stated... There is a rift there concerning the relationship between your brother and your parents. So, if they don't have any photo's of him and his partner. As well find a way to accept and be loving toward him and his partner. Well, that doesn't mean you don't have to. Be proactive... Have them come over for dinner... Get more pictures of him and his partner... Have pictures of just his partner. Might even help your brother and you get closer. If he can't come for dinner, send a letter or an e-mail. Make him a part of your life and thus a part of DD's life. ^_^

I wish you luck and hope for the best. You care and love her... You seem very supportive and concerned that you may be alienating her and wanting to fix it. She has a great mother, show her that she does!!! There are not many parents willing to admit they 'might' have made a mistake. :icon_wink It could be that you never made her feel alienated and it was just in your head worrying about her. But, do think about including your brother if you haven't already! I think you'll figure it out. I also hope that the alienation DD feels, with her friends, will get better. Keep us updated!

 

(*hug*)

She is lucky to have someone who cares about her so much.

 

The post above is right (thanks for being a good Mom) and you're in a tricky position. I think that if she can't be home schooled, you're right in suggesting that she be selective with who she tells. It's PATHETIC that such a mind-set still exists. Personally, I'd try to move to a town that's not stuck in the 19th century if I were you, though I realize how hard to impossible a sudden move can be.

 

Honestly hun, don't feel bad about what you said to her. Perhaps revisit the issue, and tell her the reason why you told her to not tell anyone about it is not because she should be ashamed but because you live in an area where people are very closed minded to the idea?

Either way, don't feel guilty at all <3 A lot of us only wish our parents were like you. Trust me. You're a good mom.