12 year old daughter is lesbian - dating issue

I know it may not seem like it, but hanging out with a lesbian friend is not the same as hanging out with a boy. Lesbians do not see girls the same way straight boys do. When you're gay, its hard to find friends who are like you and who you can relate to because theres just not as many of us. I agree with keeping the doors open but that is as far as I would go. If her friend's parents are not accepting, then it is important that she has your daughter as a friend because it can get very lonely being in the closet. You have done a great job accepting and loving your daughter for who she is! I think as long as she understands your rules there should be no problems.

 

I agree with what ilovesg said.

I don't think it's fair to treat them like they're dating or trying to do anything sexual. Girls who aren't straight can just be friends. Even if she has a crush on this girl, don't think that they're going to be trying to make out all the time. I've had friends who are lesbians that I was attracted to and not attracted to. We weren't trying to "hook up" when the doors were closed. I can't say they wouldn't try to be physical, but I wouldn't jump to that first. And since she's so young, and so is this girl, I would treat it like they were just friends. Maybe keep the doors open, but don't treat it like they're dating unless they actually are.

 

I would treat it like a friendship between a boy and a girl. Keep an eye on how the crush develops. Maybe they become a couple but in that age it is rare that they do other things than kissing and holding hands.

 

I would talk to your daughter more about your concerns and be open with her. That way, you can open up more of a line of communication on that, so that if they did end up dating your daughter may feel comfortable being honest about that. I think it's right of you to want to be cautious about this if those are your rules, while still allowing them to be friends. I know you have already shown your daughter lots of support and love and that has made a huge difference for her already so good job

Maybe if you talk to her, you could ask her for suggestions. Maybe talk about hanging out more at your house than the other girls' if that would make you feel comfortable?

Also, I'm not saying their friendship will or will not have more of a relationship later on. I think like the others said, the fact that they can share things with each other and not feel alone is the most important thing and has given them a good friendship.

But just otherwise, maybe having a frank discussion with her (if you haven't yet) about general relationships/sex might make you both feel better even if that may be kind of awkward for her at first. That would also allow you to explain your concerns more openly.

But all in all, I don't think you have anything to be afraid of. It's good to be cautious and perfectly reasonable here, but the fact that your daughter has felt comfortable sharing her sexual orientation with you at such a young age is amazing and proof to me that she already feels very comfortable and safe with you as parents.

 

Even if lesbian girls don't behave the way straight boys do I think you should still treat this like a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. The girls expect you to keep this secret which may put you in a bad situation if the parents find out what is going on. They may view your role as encouraging bad behavior rather than providing a safe place and good guidance. The girls need to understand the position you are in and why it is that much more important that they abide by your rules.

 

Well, if she has a crush, even if it's mutual, it might well be that they aren't dating, like they haven't 'declared their love' (if there is any romantic love here). In that sense she wouldn't exactly be lying if she said they're just friends, if that's their official status, right? Maybe they are crushing on each other, who knows, but if they aren't dating then friend would be the closest status indicator, I think.

I believe that telling your daughter she can't spend time with this girl would be very unfair, actually, and I suspect that your daughter would be very angry with you, likely losing trust in your support of her. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if by those rules you decreed she is already angry with you.

Ask yourself: if you assumed she was straight (you say here that you did not, but just as a thought experiment), and she brought home a boy and they were playing and stuff - how would you act? Would you demand to meet the boy's parents? Would you forbid them from being behind a closed door? If no - I don't think this case is any different.

Even if they are in love, even if they snuggle or kiss, what's the harm in that?
I do understand if you think it might cause you trouble if the parents of the other girl are homophobic and see it as that you were withholding this from them, but acting on that before you even know for sure that anything is going on between them... that's not nice. If you need to know, and if you feel you don't want to possibly be held responsible for withholding information from the parents about their daughter, I suggest you at least sit the girls down first and ask them. Otherwise you'd just be acting on guesswork, and it might not even be the case that they're a thing.

Also, if they are a thing and the girl's parents are homophobic, then for the sake of the safety of the girl, and the well-being of your daughter, for the love of god, don't tell them. You might be able to ease into it over time or so, but just dropping the bomb like that could put the girl at risk, and if they're forbidden to see each other your daughter might be heartbroken.

Note that I include a lot of 'what ifs' here, as it's hard to know for sure whether something is going on - not that you cannot trust your intuition that your daughter is in love, but whether something is going on between them etc. is very hard to say, I believe.

 

The worst thing you can do in this situation is to tell the other girls parents about the two girls being lesbians; it would put the girl in a terrible position and could cause her harm if her parents arent as accepting as you and your husband are. I know this puts you in a kind of awkward situation but I definitely think it's extremely important to not come out for the other girl.
As a 15yr old queer girl myself I can say that your daughters friendship and crush on another girl doesnt necessarily mean anything sexual or that they're dating. For the most part having other lgbt friends is lovely in the way that it provides support and a sense of community. Your daughter is already different in the way that she isnt straight and she is probably just looking for a friend she can relate to.
I think the door being open rule is fine and is okay to have in place but I definitely wouldnt be as strict about meeting the other girls parents or anything until you know that they are actually dating. I would treat the other girl as if she is just your daughters friend until you have it confirmed that its anything more.
Being lgbt is often lonely in the way that you dont have a lot of people you can relate to and so its great that your daughter has someone who is like her that she can be around and learn from. I also think its great that you and your husband support her and arent extremely freaked out by the thought and reality of her dating another girl. Your daughter must really love and trust you to have the courage to come out to you at such a young age. Thank you for being good parents and for even coming to EC because you want to learn more about how to treat your daughter so she feels respected and loved.