My genderfluid daughter came out to us recently. They came out to me a few weeks ago, and came out to my wife/their mother this past week. Already, I had to go back and change pronouns. I want to get in the habit of respecting their choice on that. I'm guessing I'll get used to it after a while. Until they came out, I had never heard the term genderfluid before. I have heard of FTM or MTF trans. Binary. I don't really understand. I accept. I love. I don't care. I want them in my life forever. I want to give them crap 20 years from now and not grieving at their grave. That's one of my biggest fears. I'm a white man who likes women. I won the race/sex/gender/sexual orientation lottery. I can't begin to understand the trials and tribulations faced by minorities. I'm fearful of the reaction some of my extremely religious relatives might have. I'm fearful of the reaction my child's peers will have. They have found a group of understanding close friends. We're going to a pride rally in the near future with a gay friend. In their group, they have a few bi, as well. They are the only trans. They are the only genderfluid. None of their close friends seem to mind, and I believe their close friends knew before we did. That helps me relax a little. Today, they told my wife they were nervous about coming out at school because they heard a friend of a friend (one of the bi) ranting against transgender people. They're all in the same after school activity. Oh boy. I've made appointments to talk with both a medical doctor (an endocrinologist) to discuss hormone blockers as well as a therapist that advertises as being friendly to the LGBT community. I'm just...clueless. I want to make sure I provide enough protection for my child, but not so much that I'm being harmful.
Firstly, I want to commend you for being so supportive of your child, I can tell that you're a great father for being so supportive of them. I think it's very understanding to be lost in what to do in this situation after all, this information is entirely new to you. As you've figured, you should get used to using the correct pronouns your child wishes to use. As for your relatives, have they ever spoken about lgbt topics around you? If not, possibly bring up a story in the news about lgbt support and try to figure out what they think about it. As for the way people at your child's school will react, it becomes harder to control that but just remain fully supportive of your child and that should at least help somewhat. I think what you've already done in support for your child is a very good start and like I said, you're being a great parent by being supportive of them.
No, the relatives have not spoken about LGBT topics. They have spoken about their religious viewpoints, and I think they missed the sermon about embracing everybody. Several years ago--really, a lifetime ago...before kids and even before I was married...a Wiccan friend was coming into town for a Wiccan conference. I...uhm...somehow let that drop. One of my relatives was horrified I would associate with her. "You don't believe that, do you?" "Absolutely not. But I don't share your beliefs, and I still hang out with you." That wasn't exactly endearing. As far as I am aware, I'm the only atheist in my extended family. I suspect that everybody else in family would say I'm Christian but I just don't go to church. I think they were horrified when we didn't baptize our children. I have no nephews. Previously, I had no sons. My oldest child is now the first male grandchild. So for all of this... I fear their reaction. I don't need approval, and if they cannot accept my child, I don't need a relationship with them. I fear their reaction for the hurt it might cause my child. I believe they will be accepting. They're my family, after all. If I had to bet money, I wouldn't bet against them. It's more the fear of the unknown more than anything. I don't think they would use their religion to make us feel unwelcome. But I do know their religious view would predispose them to being bigoted. I've seen and heard those comments first hand when it comes to Muslims and even sometimes other races. We're going to visit them soon. But even before that, my child suggested posting pictures on FB at the pride event. So that might start to clue them in. (!)
First I want to say that it's amazing that you're so supportive and accepting. As far as coming out at school, there's not much you can do to control how all the other students will react. What you can do, though, is to make sure that they have a supportive core of friends who won't let them listen to anyone who says that they're wrong to be genderfluid or anything like that. It seems like that's covered though, which is good. Definitely make sure that you and your wife validate and support her as well, as it really hurts if parents aren't on your side. If your relatives are rude about it, I think the best thing you could do would be to defend your kid and their identity and don't let your relatives get away with saying mean things. Support and validation are very important!
you're one of the first parents i've seen to respect they/them pronouns. good on you. and navigating her in-school social life is up to her, unless she comes to you with a concern. i wish the best to you and your family!
Congrats on being a crazy amazing super-dad. Hey. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Take a deep breath. Everything will be fine, I promise. Your child is going to be fine. Your job as a parent is to love and protect your kid, and to make sure they have what they need. That's like... the whole thing, when you really think about it. If you're doing that, you're doing it right. If your kid feels safe when they are at home with you, you're doing it right. If they feel like they can talk to you, you have totally exceeded everyone's expectations and you are a hero. Coming here was a good decision. There are lots of people in this community who will be willing to talk to you, support you, and answer your questions. Don't feel like being White Hetero Cis Man makes you an outsider here. This is a safe place for you, too. I'm also genderfluid. Well adjusted healthy adult genderfluid, with a job and a good marriage and all that stable happy stuff you want for your child. So talk to me. There are no stupid questions. I'm here for you. We're all here for you. And we're here for your child, too. We will help the two of you get through this together. Best wishes and God bless you both.
