Hello Everyone, This is my first time posting. I've been lurking around the site for about a week. I haven't been quite sure what to say...I'm still "processing". My store is a bit of a long one, but I'll try to keep it as short as I can. My son who is 19 (will be 20 in about a month) came out to me as gay last Friday...He and I are very close - he is one of my best friends..I had been really suspecting (intuitively knowing)for the last year, maybe I had been in a bit of denial, but really his dad and I had always suspected a little bit since he was small kid..He almost outed himself to me when his wisdom teeth were pulled...I remember at the time (I was video taping) thinking..huh? My husband and I have talked about it before briefly - my husband has asked me..Do you think he's gay? I would just reply that I didn't know..if he was he hasn't told me. but my mother's intuition told me that he was. my kids have asked my husband, our friends have asked us. I had several friends who told me " you know he is!" and I replied the same each time. Fast forward to last Friday, I haven't seen much of him lately because he's over the last few weeks been a bit secretive which was not like him, he was staying out all night, never home, not telling me who he was with. etc. We made plans to hang out together and go to a movie. well. during the week I had been wondering how to ask him, wondering if he would tell me...which is when I found this site. Him and I had a talk - well I talked. I told him that I noticed a change in his behavior, he wasn't taking care of what he needed to at home, I never saw him, he doesn't bring friends around, etc. I said I didn't know what was going on with him, and he didn't have to tell me, but that he had responsibilities regardless, I was disappointed in how he was behaving and didn't like it. During the week leading up to our night out I made sure to put things on Facebook to show LBGT support - especially since I knew he was going to the upcoming pride parade in our city. We went to the movie and on the 5 minute drive home..he started crying, and said " I have something I have to tell you" I knew immediately what it was and my heart sank, but I stayed quiet. he said "the reason I'm gone all the time and have been so secretive is" " this is really hard for me to say" " I'm gay." I just drove and told him, it's okay, and that "I know" that I've always suspected. I said that I loved him all the same and it would be okay...I felt a little prepared given that I had been researching the week before. My son had also been dropping small hints..and as I look back, I was in denial. Okay, here is my dilemma and the reason for my post. I asked if anyone in the family knew, he said no. I asked about his dad, did he want me to tell him, or did he want to do it, he said that I could do it (why did I give him this option!!), he said he would tell his sisters, he wasn't sure of how or when yet, but he will (they will both be supportive) most of the family will be supportive I think. He hasn't asked that I not say anything to anyone, but he didn't give me permission either, so I'm very lonely right now and feeling very much alone with this. I don't know how to tell his dad. Him and his son are not close, they've never been close and my husband has been pretty hard on him all growing up "be a man!" "get a girlfriend!" etc. I think my husband is in denial as well. I don't fear for my son's physical safety, but I do fear for my husband's reaction, and I will go to the ends of the earth to protect from son from ever feeling not wanted, shamed, unworthy or unloved. I know this is why he's asked me to tell his father - I've always been my son's advocate and protector and so it makes sense. I know I can't tell my husband to react a certain way, his feelings are his feelings...just last night (my son wasn't home) he made a comment that was a gay slur and my daughter and I both got on him about it, while he may accept that other people are this way, I'm not sure how he'll handle it in his own immediate family. So I'm making myself sick with worry and anxiety. I'm obsessing about it. it's ALL I THINK ABOUT. when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I'm driving, (how will I ever find the right time to tell his dad). My son told me a day before Father's day. Nope. not a good time. my husband and I are getting ready to go on a week vacation this Sunday (my husband hates flying and is very anxious about it). nope, don't want to taint his vacation with this. when we get home, a few days later it's his birthday. nope again. I feel like my son really wants it out in the open but is scared. He showed me a picture he took of the guys he's been seeing - the first guy he's ever gone out with. I can see he's proud, he wants me to be happy for him...I want him to be happy. but this isn't the life I envisioned for him, I'm grieving and it's selfish I know. I cry daily all the time. I'm so sad. thinking that someone is gay is VERY different from KNOWING they are. it's reality now. honestly, I'm worried what will happen with my marriage as well. I love my husband, we've been married 20 year, but if he weren't accepting, that would be it. I will always choose my children first. so I'm scared not only for my son but for my marriage as well. My husband isn't anti-gay, but he isn't pro-gay either if that makes sense, so it's a big deal. I think he had hoped it just would never touch our family honestly. It may be okay and I'm worried for nothing...it's the unknown. Anyway, has any other parents or kids who have come out had this situation, where mom knows and have a dad like my husband - pretty macho? my husband is a nice guys and would give the shirt off his back but his crud sense of humor can be a bit much. Any advice is appreciated. I'm driving myself insane with imaginary conversation and scenarios. I may not be ready to march in the Pride parade with him yet, but one day I'll get there. I think once my husband knows everyone else will follow pretty quickly... thanks for reading if you made it this far..
Hey fortysomething, That is an incredibly hard situation to be in. My situation is a bit different, as my parents are already divorced. My dad is very similar to your husband (although my father is probably more homophobic than your husband). I am out to my sister and my mom, but have not told him yet. I know how it feels to be afraid to come out to someone like this. You sound like a really supportive and caring mother to have offered to talk to your husband on behalf of your son (he is lucky to have you). I am in the process of saying something to my father and the only real advice I can give is that any sort of big announcement is going to need a period of adjustment. I'm sure your husband loves his son and would rather see him happy than upset. It might just take him some time to realize that. I think that you might want to have a conversation with your son--see if there is a way that he wants you to tell him and just be honest about how you are feeling about the situation. You never know, he might feel better if you are there to support him saying it rather than you saying it when he isn't around. Make sure he is ready for everyone to know. I know you are worried about telling your husband, but he will find out one way or another. I hope that this has helped in some way. If you need a friendly ear, I am here. Good luck to both you and your son!
Hi fortysomething and thanks for posting, In the beginning of your story I got the feeling that your husband has had suspicions about your sons sexuality for almost as long as you have. So, your husbands temperament, personality and possible stubbornness aside - he has had as much time to come to terms with it as you have. The truth of the matter is, you can never truly know exactly what is going on in someone elses head a hundred percent of the time, no matter how well you know them. In my personal experience - Growing up, my dad was a gravel quarry working, truck driving, mechanic who didn't (and still doesn't) give a bugger about what anyone thinks. He was one of those people who used swear words a lot around his friends and workmates, often including homophobic related slurs. As a kid, I remember him being quite loud mouthed, opinionated, hot headed, impatient - as well as fun, sporty, hard working, proud and loving toward his family. In my eyes, he was the last person anyone would expect to be accepting of gay people (not including churchy people), so I was quite afraid to tell him. In the end, when the time came, which - as far as I can remember - felt like quite a random Sunday afternoon, he was prepared for it and accepting. If you think your husband might react with ignorance or hostility at first, perhaps have some literature ready (e.g. PFLAG brochures and printouts). Even though I don't know either of you personally, I can't help thinking that continually procrastinating with this will only make life more difficult in the long run.
Thank you both for responding, I do appreciate it! Confusedmoose - I agree, I think I need to have a conversation with my son. At the time when he told me, I was so focused on saying the right things, and supporting him, that looking back I realize I did most of the talking, I didn't ask a whole of questions, and I automatically asked about telling his dad - maybe he felt pressured to tell him now or like he had to answer one way or the other. Clearly he knows I haven't said anything, and he hasn't brought it up again...if my family is good at anything..it's AVOIDANCE. thank you so much for your support. Mangotree - thank you so much for your advise, and you are 100% correct, we've both suspected for a long time..and we've talked about it, he's directly asked me...etc. I think I'm maybe not giving my husband enough credit. He does love his son, and I'm sure will come around eventually, but I feel just as scared to tell him as his son does. There is just never a good time to say it. You know what I mean? Hey...what do you want for dinner? oh by the way, our son told me he's gay...I'm struggling with two things...not only how to tell him, but when. the timing isn't right this or next week, it's just not, but you are correct in that he will find out eventually and procrastinating will make it worse in the long run (but a part of me rationalizes that hey...we didn't know for sure for 20 years, what's a few more weeks?) again, very selfish and shameful of me, I know. Thank you for telling me of your experience, my husband sounds a lot like your dad. He's a contractor, with a potty mouth and loud personality. I just can't help but feel like if it was one of our daughters he wouldn't have a problem with it at all, but because it's our only son, it will be a hard pill to swallow. I'm having a hard time reconciling my feelings about the whole thing to be honest. and I'm scared to tell my son I'm having a hard time dealing with it, because I don't want him to feel bad, I feel guilty for all the years that he didn't feel he could come to me, for all the years he's had to hide who he was - although he's grown up on the outside as a happy kid. He's super gifted artistically, and is in art school to be a fashion designer, so he's chosen a career path that fits his personality and is very accepting, it all makes so much sense, so why am I so sad? I should be celebrating his bravery, but instead I'm crying on the inside, wishing it wasn't so. I feel like a terrible mom right now. Maybe I'm working myself up over nothing - I have a tendency to do that...
Well you are NOT a terrible mother. Don't feel guilty-- he wasn't ready to tell you. He may have needed that time to accept it himself. You are just adjusting to the news. As silly as it sounds, you are sort of in mourning-- you are saying goodbye to who you thought your son was. You will start to feel more like celebrating his bravery soon. You just need time to adjust.
Hi there! You have definitely come to the right place. If you feel comfortable broaching the topic, you could suggest that he check out EC. I agree with those above in that you should really try to sit down with your son. And don't feel pressured to come out for him. This is a really vulnerable time for both him and you, so let him take it at his own pace. And the same goes for you-take your time.
