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My brother is confused about his sexuality...please help!

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by jamqueen101, Jun 21, 2016.

  1. jamqueen101

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    Location:
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    I live in Jamaica which I'm sure a lot of you know is probably one of the most homophobic country in the world. About 2 years ago, my brother left his laptop unattended (he is now 17). I borrowed his laptop to check my email and I found out he was researching about gay marriages. He told me, my mom and my sister that he has been watching gay porn and that he also dreams about it. He also mentioned that the thoughts started when he and one of our neighbors would jerk off together. He denied being gay, saying he's never been physically attracted to anyone in real life he only gets turned on when he watches the porn or when he sees his own penis. We were told not to be too concerned as teenagers are often confused. My mom responded the way a mother should by supporting and encouraging him however she is a christian so she believed it was a phase that he will get through. I on the other hand broke down and cried in front of him then he started crying too. In retrospect, I would not react now in the way that I did then. My reaction was not because I was ashamed of him, it was more of being worried for him in this country where homosexual males are dehumanized.

    Fast forward to now, about 3 weeks ago, we got in an argument as siblings often do, he broke down in tears saying he has been suffering from depression for years and kept it to himself and that he has frequently had thoughts of being suicidal because he is ''different'' . He fears any form of social interaction, he's extremely smart, he doesn't study and manages to do extremely well but yet he still considers himself ''good for nothing'' and ''worthless''.

    He kept saying he thought about ending his life because he doesn't want to be a 'burden' to us. Even after we assure him that he is not and we would never be able to survive without him in our lives.

    We immediately took him to the doctor where he was prescribed with antidepressants and referred to a psychologist. He had his first counselling session today where he told her about his addiction to gay porn. He came home and immediately asked me and my hypothetically, if he was a homosexual how would we react..I explained to him that he will always be my brother regardless but I would be worried because of the homophobic culture that we live in.My mom responded saying that will not change her love for him. He cried stating he is confused because he is neither attracted to women or men sexually in real life and he doesn't know what to do. He also says he's met girls who he liked connected with and approached but they rejected him so he feels he will never find a girlfriend,he feels he is fat and he needs to lose weight when that is far from the truth. He also mentioned that he has seen guys with attractive bodies that he wished he had but he doesn't think of being with or getting with them.

    He felt better after his session today but still feels confused about his sexuality. I don't know what to tell him as he keeps asking us why God made him different from anyone else and he believes it's a punishment for something he's done. Please help.
     
  2. Gravity

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    To be honest, it sounds like you and your mom are doing the best things you can at the outset - in other words, providing whatever comfort and reassurance that you can, and telling him that he has your love no matter what. Giving him a supportive base to start from in his own family will count for a lot. :slight_smile:

    Beyond that, making sure he's given support in other venues will help - in his psychologist, in his church life, and so forth. This is obviously less under your control, but to the degree that you can encourage it, you can still be helpful (or, on the other hand, standing up against sources of influence that are not supportive or are openly hostile).

    As far as his sexuality itself, only he's going to be able to come to terms on what's happening - offering a conclusion on him from a distance and online is doubly impossible. :slight_smile: But it sounds like he's making some positive steps in the direction of figuring things out.

    You might want to check out JFLAG - they seem to be a really helpful organization there in Jamaica, who can possibly speak more to local issues and how they might play out - they might also know of some other possibilities for providing support to your brother.

    Best of luck!
     
  3. Spartan 117

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    Hello there! First of all, I'd like to really commend you and your mom for supporting your brother no matter what. :slight_smile: You've done the right thing by telling him that you'll love and accept him no matter what his sexuality. I understand that Jamaica can be a very homophobic country - it's only natural that he, and your family feel anxious about this.

    One things that you can tell him is that being LGBT (which includes homosexuality and bisexuality) is actually very common and normal. Some will say it's unnatural, but that isn't true - homosexuality has actually been observed in thousands of different animal species. Humans are no different! It's certainly not a punishment brought upon him by god. If he's feeling so ashamed of his (potential) attractions, that might be making him more confused and most likely contributing to his depression.

    He may feel like he's different and he's the only one that feels that way, but that's not the case! Please tell him that he's not alone. Perhaps people in Jamaica don't talk about homosexual attraction often, and gay people might keep quiet for their own safety - but this doesn't mean that they don't exist! This website is living proof of that.

    It's nice that he has been so open and honest with you so far. It sounds like he is still confused about his sexuality, and that's not unusual - particularly when he's probably been confronted with some very strong opinions about how he *should* be feeling.

    He's still quite young and it may be that he simply hasn't met anyone he's attracted to 'in real life' yet. One question he could ask himself is could he imagine himself happily being in a relationship with a women in the future? Could he imagine himself being happy with a man? It's important that he knows there are no wrong answers to those questions - and he shouldn't feel pressure to answer in a specific way.

    Perhaps you want to suggest to him that he signs up here? We get a lot of young people in his situation. :slight_smile: As Gravity says, we can't (and won't) tell them what their sexuality is. Instead, we encourage people to think carefully about their feelings and make up their own minds about their sexuality. It may be a good idea, considering he may find talking about these issues with local people quite difficult. There's no pressure to do that, but maybe worth considering! :slight_smile:
     
  4. guitar

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    Does Jamaica have a culture of maintaining honor, and saving face?
     
  5. mvp 447

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    Please send my regards and best wishes. He's in our family now.
     
  6. BenFreeman

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    I wish people would tell these kids that its ok to be 'confused'...why does everything have to fit into a neat little box? clarity can take a long time to come...in the mean time he is still your brother; he doesnt have to be gay straight or anything else to do that
    Having said that...it doesnt sound to me so much like he is confused, as that he is anxious about what the answer might be...and that is what needs to be dealt with....consider how you can let him know that its ok...let him talk about it ...and listen...and be ok with it
    best wishes