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Father calls us homophobic

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Accepting, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Accepting

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Hello, I visited my father a couple of years ago, when I heard him talking on the phone to his sister, saying that "I can't tell him I am Gay, I don't know what he'll do", and I never mentioned it to him. This year I visited his father (80th B'day party) and my sisters and I were staying in a holiday park. One night they came into the room to say about my father being gay, and I didn't know how to react. It turned out this was why he left ages ago and divorced my mother. She first found out when she saw him on a gay chatroom and asked him about it. She let him stay, as she, like all of us now, was accepting and open. Here comes the worse part though; a year later he left. He left a note on the table for my mother and packed up, and moved out during the day when we were out. No prior warning or anything. He then over the years gradually became more verbally abusive to my sisters and I, for no logical reason. He broke contact with me two weeks ago, stating that my mothers side of the family had poisoned and manipulated me, and that I was going to turn manipulative. He then claims that it is because we are homophobic, when we are most definitely not.
    Thanks for reading anyway.
     
  2. Landgirl

    Full Member

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    Hi, I'm sorry you are going through such an upsetting experience. From what you have said, it sounds like your father's negativity could be the result of things not going too well for him in other aspects of his life. Perhaps he initially hoped that coming out and then leaving the family meant all his problems would magically disappear. Has he succeeded in establishing himself within the gay community and having satisfying relationships? Could he be lonely, or finding it harder than he imagined? Is this something you could discuss with your sisters, and see if they have any ideas, or any more information that might be helpful.

    Another thing that occurs to me is that he could be frightened of losing you, so has become hypersensitive, and is reacting to quite small trivial things as evidence that you aren't supportive, whilst ignoring signs that you care.

    If you haven't already done so, maybe it would help if you contacted either your local LGBT support service, or a national advice line for families of LGBT people. It might help to feel someone (in addition to the EC community) is listening to your side of things, and based on what you say, and their experience, they may be able to suggest a way forward.

    All the best in your quest to resolve the situation.
     
  3. n3ko

    Regular Member

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    I'm not sure how or why people behave the way they do, but could there be something that you aren't seeing from your perspective which would account for the way he is feeling toward your family? sometimes people have pure intentions and don't realise things from anothers' perspective. otherwise, it is possible your father got paranoid about that, it is something you need to talk with him about. perhaps with the help of a mediator.
     
    #3 n3ko, Jul 11, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  4. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    He was the one who lied to you. If he is exclusively gay he used your mother, you and your siblings to keep straight privilege and probably deny his sexual orientation for himself. In the latter case, he is the homophobic.

    If you wish for a better relationship with him, call or text him that you will be open for a talk if he wants to come. I heard about a case like that. The father went away but later (when he was happy with his boyfriend) returned to his family to return a healthy and friendly relationship.