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Husband coming out as transgender

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by upnorth, Jul 9, 2016.

  1. upnorth

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    Hello, I need some help and support.

    My husband has recently, in the last week, come out as a transgender person. It even feels strange to type that, and he feels strange about it too. It has been a very confusing time these last couple of months.

    He admitted to me this morning that he is jealous of my body and hair and general appearance, while attracted to me at the same time. He is not gay. This all came out rather angrily, as he is still coming to grips with this reality about himself.

    It happened because he watched Orange is the New Black, and identified with the transgender character on the show. Oddly enough, I was the first person to bring up the transgender identity, asking him if that is how he felt about himself. He wasn't sure when I brought it up at the time, but later told me that was a defining moment for him. That he had never thought of himself that way until I asked him.

    Since then, he has come out to a new counselor, but I have found myself having difficulties. I of course cannot speak of this to anyone we know until he is ready. But I feel isolated. I am heterosexual. I have had lesbian fantasies, but I am not a lesbian. We have discussed those things before in very painful conversations as well. He often lashes out at me in hurt, confusion and anger and a search for the truth. I do not provide enough emotional investment for him, as I am a very low-maintenance, low-moting sort of person, very introverted. I tend to project strength and independence. I had very few close friends growing up, basically none, so I don't have a drive to become very close and intimate with other people. This is most likely a failing inside of me, but one I am unsure I am able to change.

    He has begun calling me masculine and faulting me for it. He very much dislikes his own masculinity and appearance. I thought I was marrying a man, and because of his own confusion back when we were dating he represented himself to me that way. I knew that the marriage wouldn't be peaches and cream, and it hasn't, but we have managed until now. I told him this morning that I cannot be his close girlfriend. I only told him that because he has a policy of strict honesty and I am trying to honor that more, even when it is painful. I desire a husband. We also have two young children, a house, and he has been on FMLA leave from his job because he started having major panic attacks after we went on a vacation. The vacation did not go well. I have started working more hours at my part-time job to keep things floating until he can figure things out. He wants to be free to discover his identity, but he is not free, and I am resentful.

    I want him to discover his identity. Don't get me wrong, I would much rather be with a person who knows who they are and are comfortable with themselves. Honestly, any sexual attraction I had for him is gone. I don't know if that is temporary or permanent. He told me that he felt more connected to his new counselor than he has ever felt with me. Somehow things always come around to it being my fault in one way or another, while I am left feeling rather deceived by him, far more than I ever mis-represented myself.

    I am sure I am not alone, but it feels that way. I have suggested that he try and find a trans community where we live, or find one online, but he is afraid that other trans people are addicts like he is (he has struggled with alcohol addiction for several years working through his identity). And so I am his only friend, and I don't know how to help. I am terrible at being an understanding, supportive friend, because I feel betrayed at the same time by the person I am trying to support. I am practical and logical. I don't have a need to curl up on the couch and gossip, like what he wants. I don't think I am what he needs, but we live together and see each other, and take care of kids together, and it is all so hard and confusing.

    He keeps telling me stories of how he identified as a girl growing up, or would do feminine things, and it pushed most of his friends away in one way or another. He had emotional affairs with married women, because he couldn't help himself. His girlfriends would make fun of him because he would act in feminine ways. He's been called a taco and p**y at work and all of his bosses treat him like sh*t. One day he woke up and his girlfriend was putting makeup on his face, and he got so mad about it. But he said that she knew what he was even though he didn't. He would wear nail polish and eyeliner and color his hair, publicly as a punk persona, but privately because he just liked doing it. He's had a really hard time of it. And so I am compassionate and empathetic to all of that, but he pushes a lot of the emotional anger about all that treatment off on me, and I am tired. So tired. I don't deal with emotions very well anyways, and it is all too much for me.

    Today he asked me to go and buy nail polish and eyeliner for him. And I said no because I wasn't comfortable doing that without him. I told him we could pack up the kids and go together, and that would be okay, but I wasn't going to front for him. He rejected that and said I just didn't want to be his friend. I'm confused and tired and don't know what to do or think anymore.
     
  2. HM03

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    First off, I just want to say that I can imagine it's a difficult time for both you and your SO. She's starting to go to a therapist and you posted here, so you guys are on the right track. It says a lot about you (in a good way) that you decided to find support group online.

    I don't have a much to say. But, I have a few things:
    * Your husband has come out to you as transgender. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if you use to the right pronouns (female)
    *It's okay that she's angry. Repressing stuff for so long can take its toll and so can being in denial. But it's not your fault, and it's wrong of her to take it out on you
    * It's okay that you're angry. You just recently got told, and in a sense were lied to. But please try and be supportive. It's very difficult to come out.

    Someone else will probably chime in with better advice soon :slight_smile:
     
    #2 HM03, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  3. upnorth

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    Thanks for the reply. I will ask about the pronouns. I don't know if we are ready for that yet. Maybe in time. Everything is so new. I always just thought of my husband as an artistic person (a wonderful artist). I never minded that stuff. But we are realizing it goes much deeper than that.
     
  4. Invidia

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    Hi there. This indeed seems confusing; even to yours truly. Let me highlight the parts that confused me in particular.

    Now. No one 'becomes' transgender because of watching a TV show. It has never happened and will never happen. What can happen, though, is that a person can understand themself better, or perhaps even have a revelation, so to say, about their gender identity. But in that case, it's coming to understand something that was already there from the start.

    That might have been something he just said, or him being unaware of his subconscious in that case. However, if he was being entirely truthful, and accurate concerning his own being, then I would actually say that he is not transgender. No one just 'becomes' transgender like that. Transgenderism is something that people struggle with all their lives, although some people only become aware of it later in life.

    Thus, I will suggest three possibilities to observe and factor in when considering this matter.
    1) You (OP) are misunderstanding or misinterpreting the situation
    2) Your husband is misunderstanding or misinterpreting the situation, and is poorly analyzing his own feelings and identity
    3) Your husband is not transgender, but rather confused


    Now, about your situation. The first thing I'll say, which I'm guessing might not surprise you, is that a lot of 'trans marriages' and 'trans relationships' bust. The partner that it not the transitioning one will often no longer feel sexually attracted to their partner; it also happens at times that the transition partner will discover a repressed sexuality along with a repressed gender, and lose sexual interest in their partner.
    If this were to happen, I would say the ideal case is to settle things on a positive note, and to discuss well how you're going to address this issue with the kids and so on.

    If you want to save the marriage or is at least unsure whether you want it to end, trying to cultivate more healthy, mature communication is a good idea (actually that's a good idea either way). Couple's therapy might also be a good idea - however, be sure to look for a good one in that case. It's common, in my limited experience of reading first-person cases online, that the therapist will simply side with the person who is not doing the transition and blame the person transitioning - which would in this case be in your favor, but I think we can agree that would be very unfair?

    I hope that helps somewhat.
     
    #4 Invidia, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  5. upnorth

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    I would say we are confused. I will encourage him to call a hot line or something, because I am not sure he is transgender either, but I don't live in his head. He did tell me that he felt his brain was feminine. He has most of his life felt like a female in his head, was most comfortable thinking of himself as female. Looking in the mirror is a shock because it did not match how he thought of himself. He doesn't want to transition though. He hates his body and doesn't feel at home in it.

    He doesn't like traditional masculine things, but that's not a particularly transgender trait.

    Does that help? As a child he had a journal, and he called it "Her" because he was fascinated with females. He even told me his mom pulled his pants down at one point when he was around 12 to see if he still had a penis. Which I thought was abusive and horrible, and wondered if he interpreted that action correctly as a kid. He won't ask her about it, she's not emotionally capable of handling this type of situation with any sort of grace.

    I'm not sure what the truth is, and if he is not transgender, something is going on. He keeps telling me he is tired of being ugly and wants to be beautiful. He is a very average looking person. We both are. He is not ugly. But in his mind he is.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 12:24 PM ----------

    I would say we are confused. I will encourage him to call a hot line or something, because I am not sure he is transgender either, but I don't live in his head. He did tell me that he felt his brain was feminine. He has most of his life felt like a female in his head, was most comfortable thinking of himself as female. Looking in the mirror is a shock because it did not match how he thought of himself. He doesn't want to transition though. He hates his body and doesn't feel at home in it.

    He doesn't like traditional masculine things, but that's not a particularly transgender trait.

    Does that help? As a child he had a journal, and he called it "Her" because he was fascinated with females. He even told me his mom pulled his pants down at one point when he was around 12 to see if he still had a penis. Which I thought was abusive and horrible, and wondered if he interpreted that action correctly as a kid. He won't ask her about it, she's not emotionally capable of handling this type of situation with any sort of grace. His brother is schizophrenic and would beat him up and call him a p**y on a regular basis.

    I'm not sure what the truth is, and if he is not transgender, something is going on. He keeps telling me he is tired of being ugly and wants to be beautiful. He is a very average looking, slightly overweight person. We both are. He is not ugly. But in his mind he is.

    *Edit: He also told me that he had been asked out multiple times to dinner by gay men, which he is not interested in, even though he tried to think of men like that and couldn't. He also told me that he thought his best friend and roommate moved out on him eventually because he laid his head down on his lap during a movie once and it weirded the guy out. Another guy friend tried to have sex with him in a basement too, someone we both have known our whole lives. Anything like that weirds him out, but he is always looking for deep emotional connections that people just can't handle. Like intimate girl time, the kinds of relationships that straight men aren't used too or allowed to have in our society, but he's so very masculine it just wouldn't work. And he married the very wrongish kind of person in me, because I just can't do that. I've never been a girl who gossiped on the couch, even though I am an attractive female. I just can't give him what he wants, for some reason. It's all very weird and strange and we don't know how to deal with any of it. We have tried three couples counselors and I didn't like the first and second one for various legitimate reasons and he didn't like the third one for other legitimate reasons. Now he tells me his current counselor is a "safe place" and he doesn't want me there because I'm going to ruin it. It sounds to me like he is headed into another emotional affair. I'm trying here, but it's too much for me. But he told me this morning that he thought I was perfect for him because I'm so much his opposite. None of it really makes sense.

    We might end our going our separate ways. I don't want too. I want to try my hardest, but I feel limited in what I can do. I feel limited by my own personality and orientation. I like being married, it has major advantages. I don't want to be single again. I don't. And it's horrible for kids when parents separate. I kind of feel like we are too much of a problem for anyone to handle.
     
  6. Eveline

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    Edit: I wrote this before reading your second post but I hope it is anyway helpful. At this point you do have to assume that your partner really is female, it takes time for a person to fully accept that they are trans and considering how hard it can be, it is unlikely that she will change her mind. Try to work through her doubts together and be patient about it, the process of coming to terms with it all can take time and right now, calming down and finding some form of stability again is important.

    -----------------------------------

    As a trans woman I feel uncomfortable refering to your partner using male pronouns and I hope you don't mind that I use female pronouns. This is something that in time you will need to get used if you do choose to stay with her. It can be hard to wrap your mind around it during the first few weeks but eventually it will hopefully become natural for you.

    One thing to keep in mind is that like your partner, you need to go through a journey of both acceptance and growth. Both of you can't just change from today to tomorrow and it might take a long time to reach the point when things feel stable again. The one thing that you should never accept is abusive behavior and if the emotional abuse continues it is probably a good idea to seperate at least for a while to give her room to grow and find herself and you a sense of peace. Considering how detached your partner seems, she has a long way to go before she becomes comfortable enough with herself and reaches the stage that she can open up fully. This also means that over time she will change for the better as right now she is trying to cope with something that can be impossibly hard to cope with and she is lashing out, most likely because of the distress caused by taking down barriers that have numbed her and protected her from gender dysphoria for so long.

    Unfortunately, this is an extremely tough situation to be in and the decision to stay together heavily depends on your ability to truly accept her identity and see her for who she is, it also depends on you coming to terms with being in a relationship in which you might not feel attracted to your partner. You shouldn't stay with her assuming that she will someday stop being a woman because that will never happen if she is trans. This process of acceptance comes with a sense of loss for losing that part of your identity that you have invested in your partner being male. This sense of loss can be hard to cope with and as such it is important that you see a therapist so you can work through your feelings in a safe environment. Another option is to go to a support group that is aimed at the partners of trans people. One option is an organization called Pflag which is there to support family members of trans people going through the process of transitioning. Try to see if there is a chapter nearby or if there isn't go to an LGBT center and ask about such a group.

    I can tell you that the first few months after discovering that I was trans were some of the hardest of my life. Sadly, my family didn't accept me when I came out and trying to cope with this by myself was a truly horrible experience. Unfortunately, not having the needed support can dearly hurt a trans person going through the process of transitioning and statistically speaking it leads to much a harder and more painful live overall. With this in mind, I am truly grateful that you have responded in an accepting way to your partner coming out and I do hope you find a way to build a happy life together. If you are forced to break up which is understandable, if you care about her, you should try to make sure she has a strong enough support network and encourage her to maintain a strong connection with your children in which you gender her correctly as a woman. This will both do good for your children, to your partner and to you by extension.

    Do you have any specific questions about transitioning or about what it means/feels like?

    There is a link on the top of the gender identity forum with a large amount of useful links and information. If you haven't browsed through it here's the link: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...nformative-threads-links-gender-identity.html

    Much hugs,

    (*hug*)

    Eveline
     
    #6 Eveline, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  7. upnorth

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    Thank you. Your thoughts are truly helpful. Thank you so much for validating my sense of loss. We've reached some place of no return. I don't know what I'm going to do. Your thoughts helped me really see reality about this situation.
     
  8. n3ko

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    I cannot add to what has been said above^ but I wish you and your partner luck and I hope that you are able to work through this in a way which is peaceful for both of you, whatever happens.
     
  9. upnorth

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    I suppose all of this hurts even more because I have had other women in my life admit they are jealous of me in one way or another. I just never thought it would be my husband, who turns out is a jealous female in a man's body. It makes me feel very unlovable, just for me being who I am. It has all been very jarring. I don't lord stuff over people. I don't say mean things. I am kind to anyone I talk to, or just quiet if I am in a bad mood. I am a nice person. I love to read. The whole thing baffles me.
     
    #9 upnorth, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  10. Invidia

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    I agree with Eveline: With your response to my post, it does seem like she really is transgender, and that my aforementioned possibility #2 in particular was correct. I will thusly use feminine pronouns (I won't hold it against you if you find it difficult, however).

    Does she not want to transition? Does she not want to go through with hormones etc. even though she hates her body and feels ugly? That's a bit of a tangent, btw, since this thread is mainly about you rather than her.
     
  11. upnorth

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    That's what she told me. But that may be an early reaction. This is all very new. Once she thinks about it and looks into it, that may change. She doesn't feel like she can get a job anywhere and be treated respectfully, and it is going to be important that she does soon. Otherwise things will change really dramatically. We live in an expensive place. There is also an alcohol problem, something that we could afford while she was working, but now we cannot. She gave me her credit and bank cards to lock away, but that doesn't mean she can't just go down to the bank when a craving hits.

    On the positive side, since she started talking about this her panic attacks have lessened. And she stopped smoking after leaving her abusive job. So there's that.

    I don't think she really believes her body will change, and knows she doesn't have the financial wherewithal to do anything about it really. She used to be very heavy (really difficult genes), and when she got fanatic about her weight, hit the gym, bulked up and lost it, was disillusioned by how differently people treated her. She thinks she is a freak, really, and is very hard on herself.

    It has been very difficult for me to watch all of this over the last few years. The whole story has come out bit by bit. I had no idea any of this existed. A friend who knew her very well tried to tell me before we got married, but I think he only suspected and wasn't sure, and so wasn't explicit about it. Anyways, we've had a rough go of it the last 7 years.

    I don't think she would be happy with a non-sexual relationship. I think in that case we would be splitting up. She is very particular about me being attracted to her, and she thinks that if she looked better, was beautiful or pretty, that would change my feelings. I know its not so simple, but how do I explain that? I've tried. I think she thinks I am a very shallow person, when really, to stay with her as long as I have, to deal with all of the emotions and abuse as long as I have, I am a very deep and patient person. But I am not perfect. I have been angry in the midst of it all, and unhappy, and at a loss as to what was really going on. But I think I am finally starting to understand.

    I have separated twice, once for 3 days and once for 4 weeks. We seemed to resolve things and stuff got better, but at some point it would devolve again. I am not comfortable with her porn use either, something that I left the second time for after I discovered it on the computer. She would definitely turn to that if the relationship was no longer sexual, and yes, she does blame me for not being interested enough in sex. But I know that is a classic manipulation tactic. I did not have sex before I got married, and didn't know I would have a low sex drive. Sex was also painful for me for the first couple of years, something that a portion of the population experiences sadly enough. So it was all a really bad situation. We would work it out, and then my sex drive would dive, and he/she would get mad, and around we would go.
     
  12. Invidia

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    It may indeed be an early reaction. The idea of transitioning, especially medically, can seem very frightening at first glance.
    She seems to have a very negative outlook on things. While being transgender indeed makes it more difficult to get a job, it does not make it impossible. What are things like in Alaska? How is the atmosphere? Is it on the accepting side or the more "Hmm, that's weird" side of the country?
    I'm sorry so hear about the alcohol problem. Many families have to struggle with this, unfortunately, and it's difficult to get around sometimes, to break a bad cycle. Have you talked about it? Maybe talking about it would be a good idea. Not in a shaming way, obviously, but in a more pragmatic way to try to solve its financial implications, and what I assume could make her hard to deal with at times (if it does).

    That's really great! Giving up smokes is kind to the wallet. Maybe you can give her some praise for this and say it's a good thing.
    And it's really good that her panic attacks have lessened. I used to have a lot of those too, and I know they are not fun to deal with.

    I truly pity transgender Americans sometimes. Things are just so expensive for you across the Atlantic. :frowning2: Here the cost is trivial compared to your costs. However, if she talks to other transgender Americans, I know that things like insurance can help with the costs.
    Her body can too change! If not I'd be sipping wine up among the clouds by now (do forgive my dark humor). May I ask, how old is she? Changes are often less effective and take longer the older you are.

    That's understandable. xx

    She might think you're shallow, but I would say it's more likely in this case that the determining factor is with her own perception of herself rather than of you - she seems to have very poor self-esteem.
    Would you be happy with a non-sexual relationship?

    What makes you uncomfortable about her porn use? I don't have any 'moral high ground' on this or anything, since I occasionally read erotica and stuff myself, but do feel free to talk about it if you want to.
    She shouldn't be blaming you for having a low sex drive.
     
    #12 Invidia, Jul 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2016
  13. upnorth

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    I don't think I can do this. She wanted me to put makeup on her yesterday, and I absolutely refused. Then like a child she kept asking and asking, hoping to wear me down. Telling me I wasn't her friend, accusing me of being afraid and masculine and any number of things. Bringing up my family and saying horrible mean things about them. My family has been nothing but kind and accepting of my husband. But there's all sorts of imagined wrongs and character judgements that come out of her mouth. I never talk about her mother, who is a difficult person, because you don't do that to your SO. I guess those rules don't apply to her, and she gets mad at me if I get mad, because she's "just being honest" and "calling things as they are." I'll leave it at that.

    I went to the store with her and the kids and bought the makeup for her so she wouldn't have to, but I didn't want to put it on her. First, I'm not good at eyeliner, which is what she wanted to wear. I don't wear it myself for good reasons, just mascara. I don't apply makeup often or wear it often. It's never been a huge thing for me. But she wanted to have some sort of girl party, doing makeup and nails, and I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to give her a false impression of where I was at. It wasn't ready to, and I got all sorts of shit for it. I don't think I can be supportive to someone who abuses me like this. I'm angry all the time, and treated like I shouldn't be, like my feelings don't matter. I'm not allowed to be angry, just reasonable and accepting, and anything other than that isn't acceptable. If I don't do exactly as she wants she says anything she wants to me. It kind of feels like hell. I understand that she is probably feeling like hell too, but I've spent much of the relationship pushing my own feelings under the carpet, much gratitude that got me. I only got complaints that I never talk about anything. So yesterday I stood up for my feelings, and she hated it. Hated it. I wasn't mean, I just said I do not want to have a makeup party with you. I think it would have been worse if I had done what she wanted. It wouldn't have been honest.

    Alaska is full of strange and different people, and stuff goes over my head just because I don't notice things about people. I really don't know anything about the transgender scene up here. I remember my job did hire a transgender for a time before she moved on, but she was very skilled in a certain area. My husband doesn't have any specialized skills like that. She has been considering going to school, but all this stuff has pushed that off to the wayside.

    I don't like porn myself. i think it is damaging and harmful, though I can see the appeal. But the industry is a front for the sex trade and other bad stuff and I just can't be a part of anything like that, even as innocuous as watching it. Besides, you have to watch worse and worse porn to get the same high after a while. It's damaging to relationships and creates unrealistic expectations, like anal sex or thinking that women like giving blow jobs. She lashed out at me yesterday for not giving her blow jobs more often. Like I said, unrealistic expectations from porn watching.
     
  14. HappyGirlLucky

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    You are being really patient with your partner and you really do not deserve all this abuse you are receiving. It is good that you are standing up for your feelings because she needs to see that you are suffering just the same and you deserve to be treated with the same respect you are giving her.

    I know you already tried three and your partner is protective about her current one, but are there any more counselors for you to try together? It really sounds like you could use one.

    I also share some of your views on porn as well and even though I don't judge anyone who enjoys it, I am not sure how I would feel about a partner consuming a lot of it. Personal views aside, the simple fact that you left her over it earlier means you were really clear about how you feel about it, which should have been enough for her to stop unless you agreed on something else together.
     
  15. Kira

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    Sure they're trans? I'm not one to judge, but that sounds awfully suspicious. As in, a trans person is usually dysphoric or uncomfortable with their body. Maybe they're just into drag and didn't know the right word for it, as it doesn't get near as much media attention? That could potentially explain it. I might be wrong, but I've never heard of such a case before and it just doesn't add up for me.
     
  16. Invidia

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    She does sound rather abusive, and above all controlling. It's good that you seem to be able to say no, though.

    @Kira Some trans people seem to enjoy their bodies a lot, so I wouldn't rule it out on that account... not that I can really understand, but I've heard of it occurring. *shrug*
     
  17. Eveline

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    Truthfully, from your story, it is hard to not have doubts about your partner. The abusive and manipulative behavior sounds like something that a sociopath would do. Demanding and trying to force your partner to do anything sexual using emotional abuse is something that can be seen as illegal and is an inexcusable act. There seems to be a clear pattern of abuse and it really pains me that you find yourself in such a situation, you seem to be such a lovely and kind person and I hope things change for the better for you soon. :icon_sad:frowning2:*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 11:35 PM ----------

    I'm sorry. :icon_redf

    I tend to be a bit sensitive about any show of abuse and from the story, it felt to me that you are feeling so trapped and alone and trying to do the right thing when you are faced with a person who seems to lack the empathy to see through your eyes and unable to understand what you are going through. It made me worried about you and my reply reflected that worry but it might have been a bit of an overreaction on my part. From the way you tell it, his behavior just sounds bad to me and I do hope things get better quickly. (*hug*)
     
    #17 Eveline, Jul 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2016
  18. GoodVibes117

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    nah, my girlfriend is transgender and she still loves those. i don't think it invalidates her as a woman at all, she's probably the most feminine person i know. what feels good just feels good, we've both accepted that with our bodies. like, i'm a trans guy, but i still use what i have, because i don't want bottom surgery.

    it's different for everybody.
     
  19. GoodVibes117

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    You are so very strong, ma'am. Even being trans myself, my partner coming out to me as trans took a lot of adjusting, I can't imagine what it must've been like for you.

    Your partner seems like she is being rather abusive towards you, and you should mention this to her. I know this is probably a hard time for her, but that does not excuse behavior like that. She is an adult who is married. Lashing out about things and name-calling isn't acceptable behavior.
     
  20. upnorth

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    Thanks for all of the support everyone. Things have definitely gotten better. The one night I posted below was the last time she has treated me in that way. I managed to adjust my attitude to be more supportive and helpful, though it is still a challenge, and she really had a change of heart. We've had a long history of very wrong behavior towards each other, but her coming out has really helped. Her panic attacks have virtually disappeared, she quit alcohol, coffee and cigarettes and her anti-depressants have kicked in and are helping regulate her moods. She started listening to me and looking into the trans community online, watching movies, learning, ect. Since I last posted she has decided she wants to remove her beard eventually and start HRT. She absolutely does not want to change her equipment though, no desire for a vag. I'm not sure how we will afford those things, but hopefully we can work something out.

    She has given me her credit and bank cards and I keep control of the car keys as well. So she's been very all in on changing her lifestyle. She is also out of her horrible and depressing job, which has been a huge positive change. She has also been learning new skills so she can work from home, hopefully, through our small business I've been running for a few years now.

    She is very devoted to our marriage and wants me to stay, work out some sort of compromise. I'm not sure how this is all going to play out, and I've had a few days of real grief and sorrow, insecurity about the future and feeling distrustful of all these changes, as awesome as they are. I guess I lived with this other person for so many years, about 4, that I was used to that person. I don't have an addictive personality, and I miss having wine or alcohol sometimes with her. That was one of the things that was attractive to me in our relationship, so something else that just died and I am grieving over. So now we share cups of tea, lol.

    One thing that has been confusing is her desire to be asexual. She has always hated the obsession with sex she has had her whole life, feels like it has ruined so many aspects of her life, made it harder to live. She blames testosterone for her anger and when she feels mean towards the world, even though she understands that dysphoria is a real culprit in her life as well. I can't relate or understand those feelings because I rarely feel angry and don't have a raging sex drive that has driven me crazy in my life. I'm on the other end, rather low sex drive and a neutral outlook towards the world. I tend to take things as they come and am very quiet.

    When younger she had a bombastic personality and would dress with a punk aesthetic, wear leg warmers, Doc martins, cut off pants, chains, pink mohawks, ect. She had to give that all up as an adult because it just wouldn't fly on any job that would support her financially on her own. So now she is coming back to how she used to dress, wearing black and red nail polish, just ordered leg warmers, wants to wear feminine sweaters. It's all a big much to take in.

    So right now I'm happy that the abuse has evaporated, but I'm definitely not as enthusiastic about all of this as she wishes me to be. I don't know, I feel a little lost. I feel like I've done so much work and trying to change for my marriage, trying to hold everything together through all of this and I'm feeling pretty emotionally wrung out and tired. But we are doing ok. We are communicating and talking like two civil adults at least. There's no sexual tension or desire in our relationship right now. I'm not sure if that will ever come back, or maybe it will if I get to know this new person all over again. That's really how it feels right now, getting to know someone all over again. But I suppose if I left that is what I would be doing anyways if I had any hope of a relationship beyond my kids or friends again.

    I know that this is a struggle for marriages to stay together anyways, even without the transgender thing. People changing and growing, changing political views or social views or hobbies and the partner having to deal with the repercussions of those changes. I think this is definitely much deeper than that, I'm not minimizing it at all, just trying to understand and adjust.