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New here, and new to this

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Coffee Love, Aug 17, 2016.

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  1. Coffee Love

    Coffee Love
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hi. Last time I found myself on a message board, my son had been diagnosed with Asperger's on top of ADHD and I found great support system there. Now I find myself here and I hope maybe I can find support here as well, and someday give support to others.

    My son, who is in high school, has overcome a lot with his autism, and was comfortable enough a couple of years ago to come out as bi to his dad and me. We are a pro LGBTQ family, and we told him we supported him 100 percent. Since that time, he has dated no one - male or female - and so we have had time to adjust and see what happens from here.

    However, I really need support when it comes to my daughter. She shared with us just a few weeks ago that she is transgender. She says she has known she is a boy for at least 3 years. She is not quite 13 yet.

    Before I go any further, she is pre-everything and not ready to come out yet to anyone but the three of us, so we are still using her birth name and female pronouns - with her permission. So when I use "she" and "her", I'm not denying anything or misgendering her on purpose.

    My first and most raw emotion right now is loss - I'm losing my daughter. I know she will be the same person inside but I am losing the girl I've always known and the future dreams for her that I know were my own. I'm losing the girl I wanted to see one day in a wedding dress and a girl becoming a mother to my grandchildren. Knowing that she is transgender answers SO MANY questions that we've had all these years, and explains why she was always SO RESISITANT to anything feminine - clothing, behaviors, girl scouts, etc.

    Another really raw emotion is surprise. She has researched and read and watched videos and talked to online friends (who only know her as a boy), and she knows so much about the process of transitioning FTM, she's like a walking encyclopedia. She knows the terminology and the science of it all, and I am playing catch up trying to read up on the subject and learn more about it.

    I have to share that in all of this, I'm confused. I want her to be who she is meant to be, and I want her to be the best version of herself. I'm struggling to comprehend my girl telling me that she's really a male in a female body and that she wants to find another man to fall in love with someday. She's doubtful about children.

    She will have the support she needs. She's already cut her hair and is wearing a binder, and passes for male with strangers. She has been a gorgeous girl and I have to admit she makes a really cute boy. But - how do we tell our family that she wants to become a gay man? I don't expect that to go well with several relatives, but we will fight for her no matter what.

    Like I said, I could really use some encouragement. The therapists we have been talking to so far have said that my husband and I are doing the right things - but we feel like we have no one to turn to besides each other. We cannot figure out how you make the decision to tell the school, tell family and let friends and her classmates know. No idea.

    Thanks for listening!
     
    #1 Coffee Love, Aug 17, 2016
  2. Florestan

    Florestan
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It sounds like you're doing a good job. It can be hard to tell people things like that. In my experience, when I come out as transgender to someone, I stop thinking over what to say and just go through with it, regardless of what the consequences might be. Beforehand, I'll be ridiculously nervous, but it's always been a relief to stop having to wonder what might happen, even when it went badly.

    As long as your son is ready, and you've taken the time to discuss exactly how and when to tell people, don't let anxiety hold you back. Some may not take it well, but others will be supportive.
     
    #2 Florestan, Aug 17, 2016
  3. silverhalo

    silverhalo
    Full Member

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    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey welcome to EC. I don't really have much advise for you as my knowledge on the subject is limited but after reading your post I just wanted to congratulate you on being such wonderful parents. I know both your children are going to be great when they have such amazing and supportive parents behind them. Like you say I'm sure there will be some tough times but you will come out stronger on the other side.
    EC is a great place and I'm sure those with more knowledge will help you out.
     
    #3 silverhalo, Aug 17, 2016
  4. tgboymom

    tgboymom
    Full Member

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    WOW! You are AMAZING! My TG son tried to tell me in his very early 20's, but I passed it over as if.. well.. that's a private matter so I didn't do anything about it. It all blew up last May or so, and I was in fear that he would do something drastic so I came HERE and received soooooooooooo much information. I got him the help he needed through an informed consent clinic and he's been on T since last July. I've arranged for his double mastectomy next month.

    I've never been anti-LGBTQ, but never expected it for my child so I can understand your dismay. Side note.... we are born again Christians... so that helped. Even if we follow just the one command.. "Love One Another", it helps.

    May I suggest that you are in mourning? That's how I see it with us. I don't hate my child, I don't want to lose him, don't want him out of my life, want to help him, but I do feel that sense of loss.

    It's been over a year that we've been going at the transition and I still feel the loss of my daughter. At some point, when he begins to look more like a guy, I hope to be celebrating the birth of my son.

    YOU, woman, are AWESOME. I wish I was like you right off the bat!

    As far as telling family...... wow.... the hardest was telling my eldest sister, J's godmother is not just born again, but EXTREMELY conservative. She didn't take it well. Some people took it well.. some didn't. The choice at that point was mine to either delete the naysayers from my life or not. The bottom line is that this child is of my own body and his protection comes FIRST. I have been taking queues from him about treatments, names and now surgery. After the surgery I need to help with the name change etc. We are fortunate that my kid is an adult but honestly, if J was still in school, I would take queues from him about what he wanted.

    Best wishes!
    Be blessed!!!
     
    #4 tgboymom, Aug 23, 2016
  5. Alexrocks1253

    Alexrocks1253
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Washington D.C. United States
    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Things change. Everything will be alright. The US is a pretty accepting place for the LGBT community. I'm sorry that you feel like you're losing your daughter, but there are many worse points in life compared to your daughter coming out as a trans-guy. If you need help, don't be afraid to post on my profile wall. Good luck with everything! Hope this helps somewhat. (*hug*)
     
    #5 Alexrocks1253, Aug 23, 2016
  6. RavenTheRat

    RavenTheRat
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    All I can say is you are an amazing mom. Any transguy (myself included) want our parents to be supportive like you are. You rock :slight_smile:
     
    #6 RavenTheRat, Aug 26, 2016
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