So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dress?

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

I think a lot of people find it more difficult to accept in their own children,even if in principle they can accept these things in everybody else...
I can say that at least you are honest enough to acknowledge firstly that you are uncomfortable and secondly that that is hypocritical...the best I can offer you is to ask yourself what it is that you have invested in your child emotionally that makes it so hard to accept that she wants to present herself in that way...I think that this is ultimately about you...and something you are trying to express through your child.
If you cannot see it and resolve it...perhaps the best way forward is to ask yourself whether it isn't worth discomfort just to see the smile on her face when she's wearing clothes she's comfortable in...I know you will want your child to be happy...
Remember also when you are considering everything, that your child trusted you with the truth, something some of us never give our parents...it may make you uncomfortable, but the alternative, of keeping secrets, of pretending to be something she is not would have been an insult to you as a parent dont you think? When it makes you feel hurt...just remember that she loved you enough to tell the truth.
best wishes

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Keep in mind that after coming out, it's common for many of us to experiment and go through a "rainbow phase", meaning super flaming, campy, swishy for men, and "butch" for women. If it's any relief, most end up "settling" somewhere in-between the two as they learn to balance being a part of the community and adding their own individual flair.

I'm just glad she's able to do so without worrying too much over what her parents will think. Some of my friends have no choice but to sneak clothes in to our support groups and events, so kudos to being open-minded. It's probably that saying "I'm gay" is like, "Whatever" when someone is in-denial, but something like *this* brings it home. It's the same reason "straight passing" queer people are able to gain acceptance, while others less so (either by choice or nature).

Personally, I've always loved butch, tomboyish, and otherwise "masculine" women, and wish it were more common :x

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

I understand that you are afraid for your child. Yes it is a big badass biased world out there. I experienced at least some of that myself; A friend's parents telling her she was not allowed to play with me anymore. another parent making me stand outside on the porch- I was not allowed in their house.
You know you can't change the world your child lives in; but you can give her something that will protect her emotionally long after you are gone. You can give her your wholehearted support and stand up for her. Remember that its those who pick on her who are in the wrong, and not your child. She's just being herself.
And the way you deal with this can be really important in the long view. Long after you have gone, she will still be here and the emotional fortitude she will need to carry on is partly built on how you as her mother, support her now. If you feel a need to try and curb her dress habits, it could be useful if you told her how you feel...if you explained your concerns about her safety , so that your negative feelings are not interpreted as "mom doesn't like who I am". Children are very sensitive to attitudes...she's probably sensed your discomfort.
I will also tell you that while it can be very disturbing to be excluded and discriminated against, nothing will be as damaging as having a parent hold your way of being against you. The challenge is to channel your fears in a constructive way...and to keep your communications open and honest.
Your post has made me feel very emotional....there's a lot there I identify with...and I wrote these words from the heart.
I wish you and your daughter well.

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Did she say she was trans? It's possible she could just be a gender non conforming girl, and believe it or not, even straight women can look that way (I know a REALLY butch looking woman with a husband).

Gender roles (for the most part) are all made up by society. All of the make-up, long hair, and dresses being womanly? They're made up by society. Pink used to be a masculine color, men used to wear dresses (ok ok tunics and chitons), a lot of women in today's society don't wear dresses or skirts at all, men grow long hair naturally, and women grow body hair naturally, but humans made up the idea that they are somehow "bad" or strictly masculine/feminine things.

The reason behind some lesbians becoming masculine (and not all do) mostly comes from the idea of wanting freedom and more expression. You no longer have to please the eyes of men and can do whatever you want to feel like yourself. It's true freedom. During this stage it is normal to explore new things, although most end up rekindling their feminine side once they've gotten past the stage of experimentation.

Of course femininity was always uncomfortable for me, and even if I was straight, I wouldn't want to perform it. There's so much pressure put on women that most men simply don't have with their appearance, and it feels sooooo much better to ignore society and what it says about how I "should" be because of my genitals.

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

OP, by just coming here and posting your thoughts you are already doing a lot better than so many other parents with lgbt kids

Accepting something conceptually/intellectually when it is presented to you is very different from accepting something when it is happening to you. But it sounds like you may become more comfortable with the way your daughter dresses after the initial shock period passes. Of course some other kids/parents might choose to distance themselves from you but hopefully they are only the minority and will not cause you or your daughter a lot of distress.

Although I never had the same issue with my family in terms of clothing (I always dress on the girly side), the older I become, the further away I drift from the path that my family planned for me. My family definitely went through various stages of confusion, anger and disappointment. In my lowest point, I was so upset with my family and myself that I absolutely refused to openly communicate with them and things got a lot worse during that period. This is something you do not want to happen between you and your daughter. No matter how upset either or both of you feel at times, make sure she knows she can be honest and open with you.

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Has your child come out as TG?

Mother to mother... It hurts to look at the little girl who's hair I combed and clothing I purchased at the most exclusive stores, who's wedding I imagined one day, who's babies I thought I would hold who is now sporting a men's cut, hairy legs and FACE (when it isn't cleanly shaven), breasts bound, a chosen boy's name and clothes to match. I hate it.. no lie. Hmm.. in all of what was just described, one word was repeated over and over and over.... "I". This is the world that was created for my child, not one that "he" created for himself. Now he lives the life he feels he should.

I am this child's mother.... I don't care if he wanted to be a tomato!!! I'm STILL the mother. He's almost 30... I'm STILL THE MOTHER! I just arranged for his top surgery at the end of September. I'm still the mother. I'm scared, but STILL the mother. He will come home to me to recover so I can take care of him.. naturally... I'm the mother. I am ignorant in the TG world. I don't know what's proper, what isn't or how other people are reacting to my child, but my fists are always clenched and in fighting position ready to take on whatever has to be taken on because........ I am the mother.

You sound like someone who is going to be that child's mother, no matter what... and you are needed. Even when your child is all grown up... you'll be needed. Your love, understanding, acceptance, generousity and HELP will be needed. Generally, I bite my tongue and cry when I'm alone because this is not how "I" imagined I'd be leaving my kid on this earth, but he's happy! With each change, with each treatment, as time goes on I do realize that my tears are selfish. I'm mouring the loss of my beautiful daughter, my only child, but have not yet celebrated the birth of my handsome son.

Brace yourself for the long haul. Get some therapy for both of you if you can. Look for support for your child and put on your armor. I've not met the mothers of other TG kids, but I've never read that it was easy and you know, the difficulty means nothing unless it is happening to you and your child. You can sit in a room with a bunch of mothers going through all sorts of stuff and unless ONE OTHER is raising or trying not to lose their TG child, none will understand. It's the oddest emotion.. isn't it?

Yours is young. Mine is nearly 30 and the older I get, the tighter my finances are getting so I've impressed upon my child that after this double mastectomy, he needs to get back into school and get his degree and get with the program because mama won't be around to pick up the pieces forever. If you keep taking queues from your child NOW, then there is the best possible chance of being successful and independent one day. Isn't that what we all want... happy, healthy children who grow to be happy, successful, well adjusted adults? It'll be ok.. it really will.

Be blessed
I've just prayed for you..

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Hello Firepit5~
I can say from experience as a 13 year old newly-out-of-the-closet lesbian that this is a way to express one's sexuality and to find out who they are. I understand that you are frustrated that your daughter is turning out completely different than how you imagined, but I believe that it is best for you to let her express her sexuality and emotions. When I came out, which was just last month, to my friends and family, I had gotten a short haircut as means to express myself. I wear casual clothing, and I do like to wear men's clothing. I can also understand that you are afraid for her and that you're just trying to protect her from the people out there that wish to harm her. I get it, I'm living through it every day. It is a nagging fear, but I get over it and remember that I always have someone that cares. I don't know all the details of her/your situation, so I can not fully give advice seeing as you are in an entirely different state and place than I am. It's okay to feel the way you do at first, but to allow your daughter to express herself is best. My stepmom, dad, and mom were supportive of the entire thing, and without that support or feeling of support, I would be in an entirely different place. You seem to be open-minded and understanding, and I can understand that when it comes to your daughter, your mama-bear instincts are going to strike and you're opinion might differ. I suggest that you try to talk to her about it and let her explain why she wants the haircut and why she wants to dress in a more "butch" fashion. I hope that this helps somewhat!

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

hii! i just recently came out as a lesbian and let me tell you, its exciting! i am currently experiencing similar things, trying to be... hmm... like, a soft butch? (lmao). being 100% out makes me (and a lot of other people ive spoken to) want to "look gay". they wanna be noticed, hit on, etc etc. your daughter may find out that dressing butch all the time isnt for her. or maybe it is. the least you can do is let her try it out. support from parents is really really important, imo. we all do crazy silly things once we come out. its kind of tradition for the lesbians and gays as far as i know!!! so yeah. bottom line is, i understand it may be difficult for you, but honestly at least let her try the whole thing out. experimenting with your style is fun, too so shes probably at least enjoying herself. anyway, pce!!

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Even if you did have a problem with it, and were to try to get her to "just be a girl" like you had imagined, you wouldn't be able to get her to agree to that anyway.
Whether it's transgenderism, an overzealous expression of butch-ness at the start of coming out as Lesbian, simply not conforming to society's 'gender roles' for how 'women' are supposed to dress, or some other fourth thing, if you accept her she'll go ahead with it, and if you try to change her then she'll be all "fuck you!" and go ahead with it anyway.


I mean what are you gonna do, follow her around everywhere she goes?
And just leave her socially and emotionally crippled and unable to take care of herself, both dependent on her parents & hating them at the same time... like what... happened to me...


You know, my biological mother has a very similar problem. She will just flat-out to my face tell me that I'm not transgender. Then on other days, depdning on her mood, she'll tell me that she doesn't want to have to hear it from me, that she'd rather I talk to a therapist or someone else, and that she doesn't feel that "as a mother, she is capable of dealing with/accepting her 'son' being a woman". Real emotionally supportive right there. Basically flat-out telling your transgender/questioning son/daughter (me) that them being your mother means they can't love you and accept you for who you are, because there's a certain 'way' things had to be in order for them to be able to do that.
You know, your hypocrisy about this is not that great, but it's still better than what I have to deal with.

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

I agree with everyone above. You are awesome for coming into this site and explaining this. That takes courage in itself. And it must be hard for you to come to terms with this. But this is going to make your child so so happy. You have no idea how free feeling everything is. Sure they will try out some stuff but eventually they will find a balance and their own style. Im a lesbian but I only have one plaid shirt. I have long thick hair and I like to wear dresses but once in awhile I'll switch to my cargos and drink beer with the guys and feel just like me stI'll. Focus on the good she's achieving instead of what she's wearing. Oh and by the way I find shaving so expensive! Do I do it? For the summer yes but once winter hits I go into fuzzy mode. Aha I pin that to lazyness

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Firepit5 - you summed up my life in that quote!

When I realised I was a Gay woman (14 years of age) I was scared stiff of telling my mother. It took me 6 months to pluck up the courage but she was amazing. She supported me every step of the way and even told me that she would explain to my father. I was so lucky to have a family that believed in me and accepted me. I never need to explain myself or make excuses for my life choice.

What I must say is that I don't know your daughter so won't even attempt to categorise her. If you are the sort of parent I think you are you'll do the same. She is your daughter - end of!! No labels beyond that are necessary. That label alone should be the most important thing to you. Any labels she may give herself can be taken in conjunction with that. Your daughter - your choice! Whatever you say then I hope she appreciates what wonderful caring parents she has.

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

I know it must be hard... you have to watch your daughter make what feels to you like a mistake. Maybe it is a mistake, maybe it's not, maybe this is who she is, and then maybe it's just who she is right now. It's hard to say at 13 years old. But of course, who she is is who she is, regardless of whether you accept it or not.

This is how people learn who they are. The role of a parent is to be the shoulder a child can come to cry on when life breaks their heart. No matter what you think about her choices, you can't spare her from her own desire to explore and experiment. You can't change who she is inside, only either temporarily prevent her from discovering, or otherwise give her the space to discover it for herself.

You should feel proud of yourself for seeking advice and admitting you are uncomfortable. That is a sign of strength when in your position a lot of people would just make the mistake of forcing their own discomfort back onto their child.

I like this quote on the subject:

"Human solidarity is the necessary condition for the unfolding of any one individual." -Erich Fromm

The more you support your daughter, regardless of if you agree or not, the faster she will develop a sense of real individual identity, strength and autonomy as the person that she is ultimately going to end up being regardless. You could think about it this way... in a handful of years, she is going to be an adult and have to make her own life choices. If you allow her a safe place to practice that now, it will be so much easier when she has to do it for real.

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Get over this? Do you think we ever "get over" this? I applaud your honesty and truly, it did make me look at myself. My brother-in-law passed and the viewing was this evening. I didn't go because my child is here recovering from his top surgery. When asked where I was, my husband told people that my child had surgery and I won't leave. When asked what kind of surgery.... he told them.. "a mastectomy" and left it at that. He told me that he didn't want to tell anyone that my child is trans. I didn't know what to think. His family are all conservatives. Was he ashamed? Did he think they couldn't understand? Did he think they would think less of HIM?

As a prosecutor, you've dealt with all sorts of people with all sorts of opinions but I'm guessing that the only thing which meant anything to you were the FACTS, not conjecture. If any of your friends think less of you because of your child's self expression, I don't think they are friends. If they think less of your child, then I KNOW they aren't friends. You're a smart cookie... I doubt you care what strangers think.

Being an attorney, I bet you can argue both sides to this and I think that having this talent is going to help you tremendously! What is the bottom line here... your child's safety, well being, education, eventual self sufficiency, happiness. That's the goal.... how do you go about seeing that to fruition? You start with where you are now.. getting information.

I am fairly certain that I know what you are feeling and yes, there are people who think less of me and less of my child, including my family. This situation is as difficult for you to navigate as it is for your child. You'll find yourself pulling away from those who express disappointment and outrage because there is no bond greater than the one between a mother and her child and you'll start to see these opinions as an attack of you and your child.

Keep thinking and talking it out. Hey... my kid has been out for a while and I'm STILL not used to it. I can validate your feelings. I do hope that you are seeking some help in understanding and dealing with this. The more information you get, the easier this will be. I don't think we "get over it". I think we get information and examine the bonds we have with our children, and move towards acceptance.

Please know that you remain in my prayers. (((Firepit)))

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

I'm glad you got an answer to that. I often think that if I knew about this when my kid was younger, we could have done something about it sooner and avoided much of the turmoil he is now experiencing.

Yes.. time will tell. In the interim, there's nothing wrong with self-expression as long as it isn't dangerous (or outlandish). I know that I had limits when it came to changing hair color and clothes. They can certainly express themselves without showing too much skin or using a distracting hair color.. etc. I let my kid do black hair with red bangs but some of her friends looked like tropical fish! At 13? NO! lol Dressing with skirts up the butt... NO! I will admit.. it was difficult to conceal the cleavage. The child would have had cleavage in a turtle neck..... so we did the best we could there.

Unlimited self expression comes with age. My kid didn't get a piercing until like 24 and still won't dare get a tat.. LOL He can.. there's nothing I can do about it now... and he wanted one at 13, but he doesn't have one.

I hate to say this, but this could just be a phase your daughter is going through. As time goes on, you'll both know more. The important thing is that you put on your armor and get ready by getting information, seeking support, and most of all, by listening to your daughter. She'll guide your next move.

 

Re: So hard to word correctly: 13 yr old DD came out and now is seems to want to X-dr

Thank you for this original post and thread. My 13 y/o came out to me today. She has always wanted to dress comfortable. Although this past year she has gotten more boyish looking. I didn't truly care about her clothes until today, when all the information came together. I know I can't do anything about it but to be supportive of her. I came to this site looking for support for myself. There aren't any in person groups that I can find locally. I do realize I can only change myself. Thank you for your posts and honesty.